Husband swapping Instagram details at gigs

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Husband enjoys a niche type of music and often goes to gigs with a male friend. About 10 years ago I called him out on liking women’s photographs on Instagram and he told me these were “just people he’d met at gigs”. Last year, after he hit me with ‘the script’, I caught him having some sort of emotional affair which had been going on for about 6 months, you guessed it, via instagram with a woman he’d met at a gig. She lived on the other side of the world so hadn’t met again after first meeting at the gig.

AIBU in asking him to not to follow random women on Instagram? We are in a slightly better place now but there is another gig approaching and I feel I need to bring it up again. But also everything we’ve rebuilt still feels quite fragile and I don’t want to rock the boat.

You’re not being unreasonable. But honestly, Instagram is the least of it. You’re in a relationship where he has already crossed the line, lied about it, and built emotional intimacy with another woman behind your back. Whether or not he follows random women on Instagram is just a symptom. The real issue is that you do not trust him, and with good reason.

If everything feels fragile, it is not because you’re asking too much. It is because he shattered something and you’re walking on eggshells trying not to disturb the mess he made. That is not sustainable.

You’re well within your rights to bring it up. But do not lose sight of the bigger question: do you actually feel emotionally safe with this man? And if not, is this a relationship worth saving?

Extremely controlling. Get some therapy for your trust issues and stop dictating who your husband can talk to.

Thanks. I guess I feel like there’s a huge difference between being controlling and setting boundaries in the aftermath of an affair.

Maybe you just should share your anxiety. 'I feel anxious about this gig because of what happened before, can you reassure me.' It's understandable that you feel like this.

If he's on the same page as you and a decent person he'll reassure you there's nothing to worry about. He messed up so should realize you would think about this.
On the other hand, if he gets defensive and accuses you of not trusting him etc then that tells you something as well.

Do you really want to live like this? Of course you can ask him not to add women on instagram, chances are he'll just take their numbers or add them somewhere else. Relationships are miserable without trust, he's shown who he is, either accept it and what he's likely to do or move on really.

You probably feel like this because the trust has gone. It’s hard to advise, as IME you’re just drawing out the breakup, or destined to have issues like this constantly cropping up.

No, you can’t ask him to do this - but have you spoken about what the two of you find acceptable in your relationship? For example, if you added men and spoke to them on private message, would he be okay with that?

Of course you’re not being controlling. It is an utterly reasonable request in the circumstances.

If he was going through the script you must have been to hell and back trying to figure out everything. He would have seen that and needs to be putting g you front and centre of his thought process to build back trust. If he’s not doing that, he’s not remorseful and remains unsafe.

i doubt whether AIBU will give you the right advice. Surviving infidelity may be a helpful platform for you.

And you are right. Don’t worry about the comments of that PP.

You don't trust him and feel the need to police his social media use. Is this really the life you want?

Of course he shouldn't be following random women on Instagram, especially given his track record. But the fact that you are reluctant to discuss this with him is telling - in a healthy relationship, you should be able to have the conversation without feeling anxious or worried about his reaction.

It’s reasonable to try to negotiate boundaries, but you won’t really trust him again after an emotional affair.

I don’t think you are unreasonable. If he loves you he should be trying to put right the hurt he caused you with his emotional affair and respecting your feelings on this.

The problem is these days it’s just too easy for people to cheat either physically or emotionally. I don’t think relationships are worth much in the modern world. Before social media the behaviour that goes on now would have been unthinkable in a relationship.

If you (understandably) don’t trust him then end your relationship.

If he wants to have annother affair then he will - controlling who he speaks to on Instagram won’t make the blindest bit of difference.

I bet he doesn't add random men he meets...

He had an affair . Do you know it was an emotional affair and not physical as well because his life style would indicate plenty of opportunity for physical infidelity?

If your relationship is to survive he should be doing everything to regain your trust. So you shouldn't have to ask him not to follow other women on Instagram: he should know without you asking that him actively pursing interaction with other women is not the way to heal your relationship.

But sounds tas though your lifestyles are incompatible. He is still pursuing the life style of a single man. You, quite rightly, expect an H invested in your monogamous relationship.

If he's adding random women on instagram then he doesn't care about the relationship. He knows this was how he was tempted down a wrong path last time but he's taking the exact same risk if he does it again.

Also, if you are to recover you need to feel comfortable to be able to discuss any aspect of it with him - you should be able to say 'are you planning on meeting/chatting with/exchanging contact details with other women? Because that's where it went wrong last time so that's not really safe for our relationship'

If it's not ok for you to say that then you really don't have a salvageable relationship I'd say.

If you don't trust him where do you go from here?
I've no idea who or what my husband follows on Instagram etc but the difference is I trust him and it doesn't affect my life

They're not "random women", they're fellow fans of the music. I met so many of my friends through music scenes when I was younger and yes it involved connecting online after the gig (Instagram wasn't around then). That's normal.

Was it an emotional affair as in they were telling each other they loved each other and/or sending sexual messages? Or an emotional affair as in they talked to each other often and sometimes about emotional matters but kept it platonic? The former is obviously awful but people on MN tend to think the latter is reprehensible as well (I disagree).

If it was the former then taking him back after that was the problem. Because you're obviously not going to be able to trust him, even if what he's doing would be innocuous for someone else.

I don’t know the ins and outs of the content of the messages and I don’t want to know. I do know that he was critical of our marriage in the messages. Anyway, it culminated in her putting something on Instagram about them being in a long distance relationship and he had ‘liked’ this. Despite sounding like a teenager this is a professional man in his 40s!

It’s still early days so I’m finding it hard not to be hypervigilant about it all but it feels like it will be a setback to bring it up again after we’ve had a relatively good couple of months.

An affair and being controlling are 2 problems..I don't have a problem with anyone liking or talking generally to anyone in the world..there are boundaries you don't cross tho

I guess the question is why are you choosing to stay married to someone who clearly has no respect for you?

OK yeah that's definitely way over the line.

But the "good couple of months" are a red herring. The thing with betrayals of trust is how much they corrode the relationship's foundations. The essence of a relationship is trust, and that's something you feel organically, not something he can earn back with X months of good behaviour. Unless you can trust him implicitly, the relationship won't be the same again. And obviously it would be unreasonable to simply ask you to do that.

What I will say is that being in a relationship without trust is shitty for you, never mind him - it's shitty and stressful for you to think like this, and you deserve better.

My ex did this, he would go to music events add females that he's met there and flirt with them in the DMs for months after. I didn't know until I found out one day when I was clearing his old phone for him ready to sell and the idiot was at an event and hadn't logged out of Instagram and loads of messages were popping up in front of my eyes.

We went through a really tough few months, I tried to forgive him but whenever he went out I never trusted him and never managed to regain the trust. He didn't really help either, he thought I should just get over it. Turns out he continued anyway.

If you really want to work at your marriage (you both have to want to) then he has to work hard and prove to you that he's not going to do it again. It's only been a few months, he should be reassuring you.