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Original poster

Husband doesn’t help with baby

30 replies

Kate0185 · 27/10/2025 21:37

My baby is 8 months old and since I gave birth, I’ve been the main carer for my baby. Both my partner and I work full time, our plan is for me to take the year off and him to take the last 6 months off.
Before I was pregnant/during pregnancy, I used to do all the house work and his only job was to walk our dog which he didn’t like. There were some arguments but brushed under the carpet.
After our baby was born, he still didn’t step up to do much house work or help with our baby. When I complained or said anything negative about it he would threaten to rehome our dog or say to divorce. I would eventually just give in and continue to cook, do house work and care for our baby just so we didn’t have to argue. But the resentment builds as he would say nasty comments like “you sit on your ass all day” or “you are ungrateful” or “you are one of those parents that want a baby but doesn’t want to take care of one or “it’s not a competition”. All of which are very hurtful.
Now that he is on leave, he still doesn’t help much but the occasional play with our baby or cuddle when I ask him to and most of the time he would ask why or say I don’t want to (because he was watching tv or scrolling his phone).
When he does come around to care for our baby, I use the time to clean up or do house work. It annoys me that he acts and tells everyone that he does things like he did it all the time. I do try ignore it and most unnecessary house work but as our baby grows, there’re more pressing ones like cooking meals for her and cleaning her clothes.
He does do a lot of the maintenance side of the house, such as painting the gate, gardening, etc. But he expects me to do most if not all the caring for our baby.
I don’t mind caring for our baby most of the time but I crave a break now and then, like not rushing a shower or take my dog for a walk without thinking that my baby would be crying. Most of the time now I just feel like I’m drowning while he spends a lot of time watching tv and scrolling his phone and me on the other side can’t even get a toilet break at times.
Recently my husband is mad all the time and becoming unbearable. I cannot say anything remotely negative that directs to him or he would just get really annoyed and angry. I do try to calmly tell him that I need his support but he just read it as I’m saying that he’s useless and a bad dad. I never said anything like that but it seems to be stuck in his head.
I’m getting really exhausted as my baby is not a good sleeper and constantly needs my attention. I find myself crying all the time during the day and night. I want my baby to have a mentally stable and happy mom but I’m really struggling to be one without my husband’s support.
I don’t want a divorce but I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
MumChp · 27/10/2025 21:39

Why are you together with a man like this?

Uberella · 27/10/2025 21:44

There’s nothing you can do;he doesn’t want to change;you’re simply a glorified maid and nanny to him and he has zero respect for you because he’s a cunt.

Pepperedpickles · 27/10/2025 21:46

Uberella · 27/10/2025 21:44

There’s nothing you can do;he doesn’t want to change;you’re simply a glorified maid and nanny to him and he has zero respect for you because he’s a cunt.

Exactly this.

EarthSight · 27/10/2025 21:47

Before I was pregnant/during pregnancy, I used to do all the house work and his only job was to walk our dog which he didn’t like. There were some arguments but brushed under the carpet

This man must have a golden penis because why would you marry him? 😩 He gave you zero evidence that he had any intention of looking after his own house, once he'd coupled up with a woman.

he would threaten to rehome our dog

I'm careful with the word 'abuse', but this is abusive 100%. This would make me so angry.

That was his ace card to ensure that you would remain compliant and not get too big for your boots by actually advocating for yourself, for some fairness. It's cruel.

but the occasional play with our baby or cuddle when I ask him to and most of the time he would ask why or say I don’t want to (because he was watching tv or scrolling his phone)

He's a shit father too.

He does do a lot of the maintenance side of the house, such as painting the gate, gardening, etc. But he expects me to do most if not all the caring for our baby

He does the jobs he doesn't mind doing, that get him away from you and his child....and come on! How often does something need painting or even garden as opposed to washing dishes or similar tasks every day?

I find myself crying all the time during the day and night

No wonder.

You work full time, on top of being your baby's main carer, and you have a shit, selfish, unloving husband who threatens to give away your dog when you step out of line (as if he has the only say in this), and treats you as a domestic skivvy.

Don't quit your job. He will get worse.

UpDownAllAround1 · 27/10/2025 21:48

Why don’t you want a divorce?

Tryingatleast · 27/10/2025 21:50

Op if anyone threatens divorce you’re not in a relationship. As others have said don’t quit your job. I’d also advise you to save x Sorry to say this

CheeseWisely · 27/10/2025 21:56

What a dickhead. I bet he’d describe himself as a great Dad too. I know that I’m incredibly fortunate that my DH has been at least 50/50 from the day our DS arrived despite working more hours than me, but it’s served to completely evaporate my tolerance for anything less from other Men. Divorce the lazy fucker, doesn’t sound like you’ll be any worse off.

Onthemaintrunkline · 27/10/2025 21:57

Hi you do sound as if you are drowning atm and that has to be pretty awful You’ve got, as I see it, 2 issues - 1 your baby ‘constantly needing yr attention’

Try and get your little one into better sleep patterns, she shouldn’t, unless unwell, constantly need yr attention. Then during her sleep times that time is yours to do whatever. This period in her growth doesn’t last forever, but it does feel like it at the time!

The other issue is your husband doing stuff all, frustrating, unfair, juvenile and unsupportive. Painting the gate I’m afraid doesn’t cut it!! His disinterest in his child and I’m afraid to say you is incredibly hurtful. You married, I imagine, in the expectation or hopes of having a partner. Your husband is falling short.

Original poster
Kate0185 · 27/10/2025 21:57

We live in the UK. My partner and baby are both British but I’m not. He threatened me before that if I get a divorce he would get full custody of our child. I’m really scared that it might happen because I’m not British.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kate0185 · 27/10/2025 21:58

We live in the UK. My partner and baby are both British but I’m not. He threatened me before that if I get a divorce he would get full custody of our child. I’m really scared that it might happen because I’m not British.

OP posts:
Onthemaintrunkline · 27/10/2025 22:00

Sorry OP I see you work full time. I missed thst very important fact in yr first post. My comments above should have recognised that fact. No wonder you are exhausted and carrying the dead weight of your H. He really is a waste of space.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/10/2025 22:01

I know it's hard to be logical. But why would he want full custody of a child he barely cares for? He wouldn't.

CheeseWisely · 27/10/2025 22:03

Am I reading right that you’re still on maternity leave and he is also on leave, rather than him taking full care over from you? In that case with 2 parents at home you should be on easy street, not drowning! If he’s not helping at home he should go back to work at least, parental leave is not time to doss about for 6 months!

Noshadelamp · 27/10/2025 22:05

Kate0185 · 27/10/2025 21:58

We live in the UK. My partner and baby are both British but I’m not. He threatened me before that if I get a divorce he would get full custody of our child. I’m really scared that it might happen because I’m not British.

It doesn't work like this. Being British doesn't automatically entitie him to full custody.
Courts look at who is best for the baby.
You work full time and can financially support yourself and the baby, you're in a strong position.

Rainbows41 · 27/10/2025 22:06

You have legal rights.
The authorities would help you and support you and your daughter in getting away from him. Don't allow his threatening lies and abuse and manipulate you into feeling trapped into a life with him. The truth is, he is scared you will leave him as he knows he isn't making you happy, so he is trying to bully you into staying with him.
Get on to womens aid and the citizens advice bureau and they will tell you what help you can get and will help you to get it.

Noshadelamp · 27/10/2025 22:07

On a different note, is your immigration status reliant on your being married to a British citizen?

HatAndScarf33 · 27/10/2025 22:08

It's an empty threat, why would he want full custody of a child he can't currently be bothered to look after? If anything, you’ll end up with all the care and he’ll put in the odd afternoon (no doubt as a Disney Dad) for appearances' sake.

Look at his actions rather than listening to his words. His actions tell you he's not even interested in being a part-time dad, let alone a full-time one! Also, if you're the main caregiver, he won't get full custody anyway. It's not in your child's best interest and the fact you're not from the UK doesn't change that.

I'd leave him and just worry about yourself and your dc. You'll be doing less as you won't have his mess to deal with and you won't have to watch him be a shit husband and dad - seriously, you'd be better on your own.

Original poster
Kate0185 · 27/10/2025 22:09

Thankfully I have settled status now so I can stay in the UK indefinitely and work.

OP posts:
Noshadelamp · 27/10/2025 22:10

Kate0185 · 27/10/2025 21:58

We live in the UK. My partner and baby are both British but I’m not. He threatened me before that if I get a divorce he would get full custody of our child. I’m really scared that it might happen because I’m not British.

Also threatening this is abusive and coercive. You need to speak to citizen's advice and women's aid for proper information and advice.
Knowledge really is power.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/
womensaid.org.uk/

Aimtodobetter · 27/10/2025 22:12

Kate0185 · 27/10/2025 21:58

We live in the UK. My partner and baby are both British but I’m not. He threatened me before that if I get a divorce he would get full custody of our child. I’m really scared that it might happen because I’m not British.

Your partner is abusive and his threat is bullshit.

Dery · 27/10/2025 22:12

He won’t get full custody because he’s British and you’re not. The courts will look at what’s best for the child and who does most of the childcare. He sounds horrible so it would be good if you could get away from him. However, there may well be shared custody.

Just for the future, lose the word “help” from your vocabulary. Using the word “help”
suggests it’s your job to do the housework and parent your shared child and that his involvement is optional. But it’s as much his job as yours. However, the fact he’s been so crap at both probably works to your advantage in custody terms.

Original poster
Kate0185 · 27/10/2025 22:13

He’s very good at presenting himself and I’m the opposite. I’m not a very confident person while he is that’s why I’m scared that no one will believe me or I would say the wrong thing and lose custody of my child. I know it sounds silly but I rather do anything and stay and suffer than lose my child.

OP posts:
WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 27/10/2025 22:19

He does sound useless and a shit dad. One of those men who likes the idea of family life as long as his wife looks after him, the house and the baby. You don’t need his help, you want him to parent his child and share the load fairly around the house, like decent husbands do. That stable upbringing you rightly desire for your child won’t come about if you’re exhausted and walking on eggshells.

You only get one life to live, please don’t live yours in fear. Women’s aid is a good starting point.

Missj25 · 27/10/2025 22:25

Kate0185 · 27/10/2025 21:37

My baby is 8 months old and since I gave birth, I’ve been the main carer for my baby. Both my partner and I work full time, our plan is for me to take the year off and him to take the last 6 months off.
Before I was pregnant/during pregnancy, I used to do all the house work and his only job was to walk our dog which he didn’t like. There were some arguments but brushed under the carpet.
After our baby was born, he still didn’t step up to do much house work or help with our baby. When I complained or said anything negative about it he would threaten to rehome our dog or say to divorce. I would eventually just give in and continue to cook, do house work and care for our baby just so we didn’t have to argue. But the resentment builds as he would say nasty comments like “you sit on your ass all day” or “you are ungrateful” or “you are one of those parents that want a baby but doesn’t want to take care of one or “it’s not a competition”. All of which are very hurtful.
Now that he is on leave, he still doesn’t help much but the occasional play with our baby or cuddle when I ask him to and most of the time he would ask why or say I don’t want to (because he was watching tv or scrolling his phone).
When he does come around to care for our baby, I use the time to clean up or do house work. It annoys me that he acts and tells everyone that he does things like he did it all the time. I do try ignore it and most unnecessary house work but as our baby grows, there’re more pressing ones like cooking meals for her and cleaning her clothes.
He does do a lot of the maintenance side of the house, such as painting the gate, gardening, etc. But he expects me to do most if not all the caring for our baby.
I don’t mind caring for our baby most of the time but I crave a break now and then, like not rushing a shower or take my dog for a walk without thinking that my baby would be crying. Most of the time now I just feel like I’m drowning while he spends a lot of time watching tv and scrolling his phone and me on the other side can’t even get a toilet break at times.
Recently my husband is mad all the time and becoming unbearable. I cannot say anything remotely negative that directs to him or he would just get really annoyed and angry. I do try to calmly tell him that I need his support but he just read it as I’m saying that he’s useless and a bad dad. I never said anything like that but it seems to be stuck in his head.
I’m getting really exhausted as my baby is not a good sleeper and constantly needs my attention. I find myself crying all the time during the day and night. I want my baby to have a mentally stable and happy mom but I’m really struggling to be one without my husband’s support.
I don’t want a divorce but I don’t know what to do.

Ah OP , so sorry you’re going through this shit !..
Sadly he has no redeeming qualities at all ..
You say when you nicely ask him for support, he says you are calling him useless & a bad dad, & he seems to have that stuck in his head , no he doesn’t, that’s just his dickhead move so you will get off his back ..
Your baby is little now , but time flies & your baby is getting older every day , sleep will improve, as each day goes by things will get easier, you’ll see… .. You yourself will be less tired , feeling stronger, able to cope with more , then you make your plan to leave him ..
I did it many moons ago ..
It really does work out all in the end , trust me ..
Hang in there OP x x

MumChp · 27/10/2025 23:53

Kate0185 · 27/10/2025 21:58

We live in the UK. My partner and baby are both British but I’m not. He threatened me before that if I get a divorce he would get full custody of our child. I’m really scared that it might happen because I’m not British.

Seek legal advice so you know what your situation is.