Social services help urgent

[STACEY2019]

Hi im in need of help and very confused at the moment as had baby premture been dianosed with depression since pregnant me and my partner have been together one year our baby is 12 weeks both suffering with mental health i manage mine with tablets and counciling and doctors he doesnt as he in denial.
On monday we had a argument over cleaning and he went out and got drunk came back and started going mad about stuff over the past i was ignoring it then all of a sudden he tried jumping out the window and stab himself i called the police to remove him for safety as i had my children in the house so he left the family home, social services came next day and the have put it as domestic voilence which no voilence towards me whatever or the children he has moved 3hours away and isnt allowed to return back or else my children will go on child protection plan well i dont understand this does this mean forever or till he gets help i know its very serouis but surely if we both co opearate with ss then things can move forward

Social services job is to protect your children if there is a danger. Seeing your dp behave that way is traumatic for the children. I’m sorry you’re struggling but he isn’t helping your situation.

Bullshit that your children come first.

You were barely with this man when you got pregnant, and had him in your children’s home. That’s massively irresponsible and dangerous. You’re lucky that the worst he did was try to stab himself.

SS will be very specific about their input. There should be documentation about any requirements, follow up meetings and a sw allocated. This is about safeguarding all your dc and supporting you. There may be some difficult choices for you to make. The argument was clearly verbally abusive and toxic which is not good for your dc to witness, likewise threats of self harm. Are you in a position to prioritise their wellbeing and safety?

I have a safety plan to keep children safe which i am doing , she said if i meet him i must not have the children but i can carry on talking to him to let him know about the children she is coming tommorw to move forward and close my case she is not being involved with me as i am not a risk she has said i must tell her if i want him back into family home then we will carry on with a child protection but i do not want him here while he is in that state and has not got the help i am depressed myself haveing tramuatic birth and baby in hospital which i have help with

Together a year and baby is 12 weeks? So you got pregnant with a complete stranger, with serious mental health and addiction issues. And you have older children, and your own mental health issues. What a shit show.

Take every bit of help offered and do exactly what you're told to do, and stay away from your "partner"

This. He isn’t a partner anyway if he lives with his girlfriend?! What the actual f is going on. Those poor kids.

Wasnt a stranger no i knew him since childhood but got together last year he has been through alot losing his mum and dad and his mental health has spiralled

This all sounds so scary for you. Just to back up the comment about finding support. In our church we'd welcome you and support you. Either way, you need to get a group of people around you to keep you strong and help you.

You could ask SS if they’d refer you to the Freedom Programme and (depending on where you are) help your partner get a place on something like Cranstoun’s Men and Masculinities. I don’t suppose his behaviour will change at all without an intervention and you might find it really helpful to get some support to understand more about the dynamic.

I can tell from your posts that you’re feeling more sorry for him than for what your children are potentially being put through by having him in their lives. You should stop all contact with him. He is unstable and violent, even if that violence is not directed towards the dc.

He is going to get a place closer to me and he going to doctors for his mental health issuresbut the social worker hasnt spoken to him since this incident all i have been given is a safety plan i am following but i would like to move.forward in the future so my daughter can see her dad even if its supervised till otherwise

Sounds to me like he was messed up and that normal when you’re depressed.
but he didn’t seek help and he threatened suicide in front of children. that’s not normal at all.

He doesn’t sound like a good catch.

Honestly, you don’t need him. You can prioritise your children and your own health and keep away from that idiot. If he sobers up gets clean gets (and keeps) a good job…. In say a year then I’d consider it. But not now. Not if he’s working on himself. He needs to be alone to do that.

I don’t think he will ever be the man you want. Forget about men and concentrate on the kids.

An awful lot of judgement towards the OP and her partner here.

OP, most of the demographic on Mumsnet have no understanding of what life is like for many, outside of the stereotypical middle class British way of life and values.

Ideally, you wouldn't have had a baby this soon in a relationship, but she's here now, and imo you are doing what has been asked of you so far and co-operating and trying to keep everyone safe, so please keep doing what you are already doing. Best of luck.

How horrible for you and with your baby in hospital too.

Social services will let you know when they are happy for him to move back and he’s going to need to engage with services. You need to encourage him to get the MH support and be strong and tell him he cannot see the children until that has been dealt with, unless in a contact centre if SS agree.
Do not let him home until SS agree. You need to show that your priority is absolutely your children. Personally it would be the end of the relationship for me.

The police may not have “put an order in” but you’ve been told by social services he needs to be away from you and your children or your children will be taken into care.

You don’t seem to fully comprehend that this is family violence.

What are you hoping to get out of this post?

I don’t think you should be so quick to make such assumptions. Many of us here, like me, have grown up in really awful situations that have given us insight - my Mum was schizophrenic and alcoholic and I spent my childhood in and out of foster homes, I witnessed her trying to stab my dad to death with a fork. It is precisely this that is making me have the opinion that op should never let this man around the children again. My own dh has bipolar and has been through all sorts of issues but he has never behaved violently or in a threatening way. However much the op loves this man the children must absolutely come first.

Op you're not ready to hear this, you're going through a lot, but this IS domestic abuse. It's not normal for a partner to do these things. Please cooperate with police and Social Services, they should be involved in this chaotic environment. Your kids need a stable environment, and you need to move stressors from your life to be able to provide this... remove the men completely. Block/change your number, get a court order regarding contact (which shouldn't be hard given the baby's dads actions) and move forward just you and the kids for now. Can you get family in to help you declutter to give yourself and the kids space to breath?

Actually some of us have lots of experience, and are more than qualified to judge. And make no apologies for doing so.

Hi OP. These are very valid questions and I encourage you to ask the social worker that is working with you.

They will be able to tell you what they are recommending he does, in order to safety share time with his child.

I don’t know anything about him other than what you have described (which is indeed very worrying and a huge risk to your children’s safety) , but there is a good chance he has a history of risky behaviour that hasn’t been addressed, and that’s why they are saying they will enact a child protection plan if you allow him back into the home and your children’s lives. They may be asking him to access mental health support, address his drinking, attend a perpetrator programme… which he should absolutely do if he wants to be part of his child’s life. I would be asking the social worker to do a risk assessment, and I encourage you to do Claire’s law disclosure to find out about any other violent behaviour in his past.

he can ask social services to offer supervised family time with his child… but
it’s a different matter, regarding him moving back in and also sharing time with your other children (who he has no right to see or share time with, as he isn’t their parent).

My advice… be absolutely honest with the social worker worker and ask the questions you have about resuming the relationship and what this may mean in terms of social care involvement. If they have said they will commence a child protection plan , this is serious and you may not realise quite how bad this situation actually is for your children.

I wish you well x

But the incident happened way too recently for him to have put in place a meaningful recovery plan, demonstrate commitment to it and for you to move forward. He sounds in no position at present to take responsibility for his own mh, wellbeing and happiness, let alone that of a gf with postnatal issues, a young baby and stepchildren. You need to seek support for a period without him, or possibly long term.

This comment is appalling and you should be ashamed.

Your older children already have a shit dad, they do not need an unstable violent step dad causing yet more chaos. You’ve chosen to have a lot of responsibilities by having several children with awful fathers, you owe it to them to step up and focus on them properly, engage with all the help available to you and them and stay single.

Op. Change your phone number ASAP so that your ex and his exes cannot contact you. If they someone get your new number then block and ignore them. Do not engage.