Not sure how to feel about what happened and worried about seeing a doctor.

[Robinoaks]

I've moved this post from the sex thread as I didn't get many replies to get advice.

Hi all, please be gentle with me as I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself and very worried,, stressed out.
I've been dating someone for a while. We've had sex about 4 times previously.
The other day we were having sex and all was fine. He played with my bottom a bit which I didn't mind and I was aware of what he was doing.
Then we had normal sex, he was behind me. .
Next thing I know I felt a really intense pain and thought what the hell is this, why is it suddenly feeling this painful having sex?. I told him it hurt and he stopped.
All was fine afterwards until the evening when I had some serious pain in my bottom.

The pain has been awful for days and I've been bleeding for days too.
I'm too embarrassed to go to the doctors especially as I'd have no one to look after my little girl and would have to bring her with me but I know that if I don't stop bleeding soon I'll have too.
Had anyone else had any bad experiences, pain, bleeding from this sort of thing before?
It not something I'd ever experienced before and never want to again!
I'm really worried that I'm still in pain and bleeding after a week.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

You do need to see a doctor. Would a minor injuries at a hospital be any easier to get to - I think it might be more appropriate?

How old is dd? Young enough to be popped in a pram or old enough to be bribed with a phone and sweets?

You have to go to the doctor. The doctor will have heard/ seen far worse and will not criticise you. Take your little girl with you with a favourite toy. Please get help.

Hi OP,

Im not an expert on this but I assume that he has injured you in some way, either by flaring up some sort of internal issue you already had like haemorrhoids (internal ones are not visible and so you wouldn't know you had them!) or he's injured you and caused some sort of fissure which can bleed a lot. I do think it's best to get checked out, even if it's for your own piece of mind.

You shouldn't feel embarrassed here, you've done nothing wrong. This man is at best absolutely awful at sex with no idea at all the level of trust, preparation and communication required for anal sex and at worst an abuser and has sexually assaulted you. Consent, enthusiastic consent is required for this kind of act and the fact that he did this without first seeing if you wanted to or without any of the required preparation is really alarming. I'm sure it goes without saying but you must never have sex with him again.

Besides physically, how are you feeling emotionally about what happened?

Please see a doctor and he did technically sexually assault you as he did something without your consent that is not a normal part of sex and would need additional sex to intercourse. Anal sex requires preparation lube and the anus area to be relaxed. Neither was done as you didn’t give consent … so of course you are in a lot of pain. Don’t delay, and explain to the doctor how it happened …. Please don’t be embarrassed, this isn’t your fault x

• meant additional consent to intercourse.

please don’t see this man again, I doubt it’s the first time he did it and he knew exactly what he was doing.

Please don't be scared or embarrassed OP, do see your Doctor and ask for a female Dr if you are worried. G.P's have seen it all before and this will be just a regular check to them. As it's still painful it could be an anal fissure or possibly internal haemorroids which can easily be treated. Take your daughter if you don't have anyone to mind her, many women have to take their children along and Doctor's are used to it.

Definitely see a doctor.

But I'm not quite clear, did your bf try to penetrate you analy from behind? Without talking about it or gaining your consent? (You allowing a bit of fingering beforehand is not giving consent.)

If that's what happened then that's rape. Please get away from him and get somewhere safe to recover and think things through. Do you have friends/family you can stay with?

Yes I believe so, I told him a few days after that I was in pain and where etc and he said that we probably shouldn't have done it without lube and without discussing when and how.
He apologised and said he would never intentionally hurt me. I feel very confused and upset by it. I keep questioning myself and wondering if I missed something, maybe he did ask and I didn't hear him?

We don't live together, thankfully, have only been seeing eachother for a few months.

Have faith in yourself love. You know what happened was wrong, and you know you need the doctor. The chances of him -not- knowing that anal needs preparation are near to zero in this day and age.

Even if he asked and you didn't hear him then you can't have given a proper answer. So he still went ahead without your consent. I'm really sorry you experienced that.

You're in pain. You're questioning yourself.

A good relationship builds you up, makes you feel better and safer.

I'm a stranger on Mumsnet and obviously don't know all the details, but if I imagine myself in your shoes... I would tell him I want to take a break for a few weeks to think things through. Some time apart would help me figure out what I want and what's going on.

Put yourself and your needs first. Take care.

he said that we probably shouldn't have done it without lube and without discussing when and how.

We? Doesn’t sound like you had any choice. Another rapist downplaying his assault.

Pain and bleeding for a week after nonconsensual anal where no lube was used, you need to be seen by a doctor. It sounds like you have tears that need to be checked out and there's the possibility of infection. Please go ASAP.

Your date raped you, and in a particularly painful way.

Yes, anal needs discussion, consent, and lots of lube. He knew that and chose to do it anyway.

Im not a doctor but if its bright red blood it may be a tear.
Do see a doctor and dont be embarrassed by it its very normal.
I myself had similar problem not due to bum sex but with having very hard poos.
Its caused a small tear.
I was mortified but i had to get it seen to.

I've had a telephone conversion with a female doctor and have an appt this week to have a check over, had to find a time where I'm child free as she wasn't happy to discuss the details of what happened in front of my little girl which is understandable even if she is preoccupied with my phone or whatever.

Thank you for the replies. Hopefully seeing the doctor and knowing what damage I'm dealing with will put my mind at ease.

Getting yourself medically checked, that's a good update.

Don't ever see this guy again. He knew this was nonconsensual and that you could be physically hurt and raped you anyway. You don't want a rapist around your child. You might think whether you want to report this to the authorities.

OP I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’ve been in your exact position - he also did the same to me without warning or discussion during normal p in v intercourse, without lube or discussion, and he knew I’d never tried any bum fun before. I ended up with several minor tears, and I couldn’t go to the toilet properly for about ten days (it was extremely painful).

Please go to the dr as they need to check you and your at risk from infection if you have tears. And please don’t see him again either. Whatever and whoever you think he is, he’s not. A nice man wouldn’t have done this to you.

I'm sorry you've had the same experience.
I have the doctor's this week and I'm so scared of what they will say. I feel absolutely battered down there and the bleeding still ongoing.
It's taken a week for me to really process what has happend, cried for the first time today about it and how angry I feel that I'm going through this discomfort and stress.

He must have known he could hurt me by doing that and I have no idea why he thought it was ok to do so. The only thing I can think of is that he seemed to be unable to finish through P in V intercourse.

Even if there is no lasting damage, he has caused me so much pain,
Tbh I think it's going to take me a long time to get to a stage where I'll be able to trust a man enough to let them near me after this.

How did you cope with the aftermath of the situation if you don't mind me asking? Did it affect you much?

Jesus H. You don’t go near this man again. He’s a reptile.

Please consider reporting him to the police. Its an assault.

Someone did this to me and I also bled a lot. I disnt go to doctor but wish I did
you can seek advice from a gum clinic if you’re too shy of a normal doctor, they’ll be so used to these injuries and non judgmental and supportive and they’ll be able to advise you if you need

There's a huge difference between anal play and full anal sex. Implied consent is not consent unless previously discussed. I think he was perfectly aware what he was doing was wrong.

OP, that’s rape. He didn’t ask you first. He’s admitted to penetrating you anally without consent. I think that, deep down, you know what he did but you’re downplaying it because it’s hard to accept what happened. Pretty much the same thing happened to me when I was much younger and I sympathise greatly with you because it was awful.

He would absolutely have been aware at the time that it was going to be painful for you - hence his comment about not using lube.

Please, please don’t ever see this man again. Block him.

You definitely should see the doctor. I promise you the doctor won’t judge you in any way whatsoever if you explain what happened.

I’m so sorry you’ve had this awful experience.

I’m sorry, but this is simply bullshit.

Letting someone touch your arsehole is absolutely not an invitation to anal sex. It just isn’t. And it certainly isn’t an invitation to go in without warning with no lube.

This man even admitted that he shouldn’t have done it and that he had probably injured her.

I’m not suggesting the OP should feel she has to tell the police or anything like that. But telling her that she somehow misled this man into believing she was consenting to anal sex is victim-blaming nonsense.

Plenty of men - pretty much all of them, in my experience - tend to enjoy having their arsehole teased a bit. But I don’t think anyone would ever suggest that this meant a man’s girlfriend could reasonably believe she could suddenly fist him without asking first and assume he was OK with it.

My gay friend had a tear inside his anus. He was limping for weeks.

He went to the doctors.

He didn’t tell me what happened, I assumed it was a gym injury but our mutual friend told me what really happened.

Your sex partner assaulted you because he did not ask for permission to do that to you.

Is there anyone who can look after your child?

You’re bleeding so it’s serious. You could get an infection.

You need medical advice. You need something for the pain.

I recall that my friend just had to let it heal.

Is it a tear inside or is it more of a fissure on the outside?