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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure how to feel about what happened and worried about seeing a doctor.

30 replies

Robinoaks · 27/10/2025 07:34

I've moved this post from the sex thread as I didn't get many replies to get advice.

Hi all, please be gentle with me as I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself and very worried,, stressed out.
I've been dating someone for a while. We've had sex about 4 times previously.
The other day we were having sex and all was fine. He played with my bottom a bit which I didn't mind and I was aware of what he was doing.
Then we had normal sex, he was behind me. .
Next thing I know I felt a really intense pain and thought what the hell is this, why is it suddenly feeling this painful having sex?. I told him it hurt and he stopped.
All was fine afterwards until the evening when I had some serious pain in my bottom.

The pain has been awful for days and I've been bleeding for days too.
I'm too embarrassed to go to the doctors especially as I'd have no one to look after my little girl and would have to bring her with me but I know that if I don't stop bleeding soon I'll have too.
Had anyone else had any bad experiences, pain, bleeding from this sort of thing before?
It not something I'd ever experienced before and never want to again!
I'm really worried that I'm still in pain and bleeding after a week.

OP posts:
tragichero · 28/10/2025 01:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What does the phrase "cries rape" even mean? Would you talk about people "crying robbery", "crying murder" etc? You seem to feel rape (or "rape" as you call or) is a different kind of crime for some reason - one women frequently lie about?

What fucking abhorrent bullshit.

It is every sexually active person's duty to ensure consent is given for any sex act by their partner before they perform it. Anybody unable to grasp that simple concept is not fit to have any kind of sexual contact with another human being.

And this man did not do so. If he believed OP implied consent with her actions, he was wrong. Just as a man who believes a woman getting drunk and going to sleep in his bed is consenting to him penetrating her as she sleeps, would be wrong. Etc etc.

OP is the one in the situation, and it's her right to choose the language she wishes to define the event she experienced, so I am of course not going to do that for her.

But I do think it's dangerous and wrong to tell her that it's on any level excusable for a man to anally penetrate her without seeking her consent to do so. Let alone to encourage her to consider further sexual contact with such a person.

Penetrating people who do not wish to be penetrated isn't "rape", it's rape.

OP, I really hope you are ok. Please feel no shame or blame for what happened, it is in no way your fault.

Sex should never involve anyone putting their penis somewhere you don't want it to be.

I sincerely hope you get the help you need, both medical and emotional.

And your choices are your own, but if you were my daughter, my sister, my friend, I would be urging you with all my heart not to have sex with a man who penetrates you in a place you don't want to be penetrated. There are so many men out there who would be rightly horrified by the thought of performing such an act. You deserve a partner who treats your body and your boundaries with the utmost care and respect. Everybody does.

tragichero · 28/10/2025 02:02

And as a more general point, I am really concerned that this act seems to be becoming more prevalent, with the acceptance of anal sex as a mainstream sex act.

I don't want to kink shame anyone and fully accept that some women greatly enjoy anal sex, and they should absolutely crack on with it. (Funnily enough I was part of a really interesting and useful chat about this on the sex board, which helped me understand that for some women it is genuinely great).

But a friend of mine has experienced what happened to OP twice with different partners in the last year or so - they have penetrated her like this with no discussion and no permission given.

Fortunately she is among those women who find anal sex comfortable physically (some do, some don't) so she has not actually been injured or even physically hurt. She did in both cases immediately call a halt to both the sex and the relationship, and was still shocked and angry that her partner's had thought this acceptable on any level.

I haven't had this happen thank God, but I have had a number of men try to persuade me that I will enjoy anal with them, that most women love it, many love it more than they like vaginal sex etc etc, with a subtext that I am somehow disappointingly "frigid" not to like it.....

I now make it clear to any new partner as soon as I know sex is on the cards, that I dislike anal sex and it will never be on the table. But it should be absolutely the other way round - consent to this act, that is painful for quite a number of us, should not be assumed unless we go out of our way to clarify it's not on the table. Because many women won't even think to bring it up, until it's too late and frankly, why should they? There should be no assumption of consent, to anything, ever.

I do think the prevalence of porn is giving rise to these dangerous expectations of what sex will be like. But that's not an excuse. Anyone old enough to have sex is old enough to know you seek clear consent for any act, and that if you get it wrong and think you have consent when you don't, that's your mistake, and not your partner's for not being clear enough. The onus must always be on the person performing the act to ensure it's welcome.

It's like me taking someone's phone and saying "oh, you left it on the table, I assumed you wanted me to have it". Even if I was telling the truth, that wouldn't make me any less of a thief.

Thatsalineallright · 28/10/2025 07:23

I'm glad you contacted a doctor, OP. Hopefully they can help help your body heal.

Emotionally, though, I can only imagine that this is a rollercoaster. Have you considered telling anyone in real life what happened so that you can get more support?

Thinking of you and wishing you all the very best x

BeautifulSongsofLove · 29/10/2025 15:16

MouseInMyBedroom · 27/10/2025 07:41

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

You do need to see a doctor. Would a minor injuries at a hospital be any easier to get to - I think it might be more appropriate?

How old is dd? Young enough to be popped in a pram or old enough to be bribed with a phone and sweets?

I don't mean to detract from the seriousness of this post,@MouseInMyBedroom this situation isn't suitable for a minor injury unit.

OP, I'm glad you're seeing your GP for the appropriate examination and management.

Take care

fatphalange · 29/10/2025 15:55

tragichero · 28/10/2025 02:02

And as a more general point, I am really concerned that this act seems to be becoming more prevalent, with the acceptance of anal sex as a mainstream sex act.

I don't want to kink shame anyone and fully accept that some women greatly enjoy anal sex, and they should absolutely crack on with it. (Funnily enough I was part of a really interesting and useful chat about this on the sex board, which helped me understand that for some women it is genuinely great).

But a friend of mine has experienced what happened to OP twice with different partners in the last year or so - they have penetrated her like this with no discussion and no permission given.

Fortunately she is among those women who find anal sex comfortable physically (some do, some don't) so she has not actually been injured or even physically hurt. She did in both cases immediately call a halt to both the sex and the relationship, and was still shocked and angry that her partner's had thought this acceptable on any level.

I haven't had this happen thank God, but I have had a number of men try to persuade me that I will enjoy anal with them, that most women love it, many love it more than they like vaginal sex etc etc, with a subtext that I am somehow disappointingly "frigid" not to like it.....

I now make it clear to any new partner as soon as I know sex is on the cards, that I dislike anal sex and it will never be on the table. But it should be absolutely the other way round - consent to this act, that is painful for quite a number of us, should not be assumed unless we go out of our way to clarify it's not on the table. Because many women won't even think to bring it up, until it's too late and frankly, why should they? There should be no assumption of consent, to anything, ever.

I do think the prevalence of porn is giving rise to these dangerous expectations of what sex will be like. But that's not an excuse. Anyone old enough to have sex is old enough to know you seek clear consent for any act, and that if you get it wrong and think you have consent when you don't, that's your mistake, and not your partner's for not being clear enough. The onus must always be on the person performing the act to ensure it's welcome.

It's like me taking someone's phone and saying "oh, you left it on the table, I assumed you wanted me to have it". Even if I was telling the truth, that wouldn't make me any less of a thief.

So many men are porn sick these days. I’ve had two men do it with no warning whatsoever when having sex and during a brief period of online dating (never to be repeated), some men would open with the question straight away, before anything else, ‘hope you’re into anal?’ nice to meet you, too…not.

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