Need advice on Social Services and abusive ex

[Annalou1202]

Hello all,

I need some guidance please. Early June, I was the victim of a domestic incident. The police were called and social services got involved. I have since been moved into a refuge and it is my understanding that my ex partner is about to start a course.

What I need advice on, is that I would like to move back to the county I was removed from but I don’t know how to prove to social services that it’s not to be closer to my ex. To be very clear, I have no intention on getting back together with him and I’m taking my child’s safety very seriously. My reasons for wanting to move back are that this is the area most familiar to me and before moving I had plans in place to put my baby girl in nursery and had a job lined up there. This is also an area that is a midway point between all my different family members, and where my friends are. I’ve tried to get to know this new area and have made an effort to make connections here but it’s been over 2 months now and I’m just unhappy within myself. I was wondering if anyone else has been through this and what safety measures they put in place to protect themselves from further abuse? I should also mention I’m currently doing a course in recognising and understanding DA to show that I’m expanding my knowledge and recognise my ex isn’t healthy for me.

Thank you.

I would speak to your social worker about it and explain your reasons for wanting to move back to the area. I guess their concerns would be that you could bump into him or he could see you out and about and follow you and find out where you're living? Do they have any reason to suspect that you might get back with him? Have you done it before? I think you have to be honest and take on board the advice you're given. At the end of the day, their number one priority is the safety of your child and rightly so.

Stay positive and say to social services it is best to go back to the country with your child for schooling, family, etc.

No I don’t believe that they have reason to think I will go back to him and no I really don’t want to. When I was moved my social worker said this was temporary to give me space and that I could come back but now when I try to talk to her about when I can come back she says I can do what I want but if I do they will take my child. I want to put a plan in writing to very clearly show and state that my reason for moving back isn’t to do with my daughters father and that I will put safety measures in place. I’m thinking about maybe pledging to live in a different town and have home security set up?

Thank you. I am trying to be positive. I plan to do that. I am writing up my own safety plan with my reasons for going back, to present to the social worker :)

She said they would take your child? What exact words did she use and in what context?

my understanding is that the social worker has made it clear that you are free to go back if you wish but if you do they will remove your child.
Take them at their word. At the worst this shows how concerned they are at the incident. They are also checking to see if you are able to work in cooperation with them. Don’t fall at the first hurdle- two months is no time at all when it comes to your child’s safety. I know you want to be near family but that had not previously provided protection for you.

She said they will take your child if you move back to the area? This is nonsense. Request a meeting with the social worker and her manager to discuss this as they cannot just throw threats around like that and they can't take your child just because you move back to the area. Honestly, this is ridiculous.

I would take this more seriously op. You need to stay away from that area. It is rare these days that you get moved out of area. This guy has been assessed to pose a serious threat to you and your DD.

They may have more information about the situation than you do. He may have said something to police or ss that you are unaware of, or have a criminal record you don’t know about. They have said you will lose your child if you go back. Believe them. Being halfway between family is virtually useless for immediate support, being close to mates is a poor reason to put you/your child at risk.

It’s been 2 months. You need to give yourself at least six to get used to the sudden major life changes (I know, I’ve been there). A job offer from June won’t still be waiting for you unless you’re so in demand that you could easily find something in your new area, and there will be childcare in your new area.

Please understand you need to let go of your former life to keep you and your daughter safe and possibly alive. I know it’s a hard adjustment but it is what it is. Taking this seriously also makes it less likely that he will get much contact.

In all honesty if I had a penny for every time a woman told me she wasn’t moving back for her man, and then was found shacking up with him within weeks of the move, I’d be retired by now. Whether that’s your intention or not only you know but your social worker will be very well used to being mislead and lied to - complete with safety plans, references from domestic abuse workers who have similarly been mislead.

Your social worker is therefore going to be both cautious and suspicious. It’s only been 2 months since you’ve been away. What’s changed in that time - has he tried to contact you, have you been engaging with services, have you made links in the community? Explored nursery local to you, looked for work there? The reality is 2 months is no time at all when you’re recovering from abuse - it may be possible to move back but I’d want to see more time before you do. Time to recover, establish a life for you and your child, time for them to recover and time for you to be strong enough to protect yourself if he does turn up. It must have been a significant event for you to have been moved out of area so it needs consideration if you want to move back.

I understand you wanting familiarity and people around you, but that wasn’t enough to keep you and your child safe, and your social worker needs to consider that in any future plan. Grieving the life and the plans you had is an important part of recovering from abuse, give yourself time to settle before moving on again.

They can if this man presents a significant enough risk to the child and the mother has shown herself unable to protect herself and the child. They can’t stop an adult doing what they’re going to do but they can’t stop and will prevent a child returning to an abusive environment.

Moving back to the area == moving back with the abuser. If they are worried about her returning to the abuser they need to be clear and upfront about that. They can't remove a child because they move back to the same area as the abuser with no evidence that they are back together.

I can't imagine why you would want to move back to the same town. It's not fair if that's where he is ad where you wanted to live, but it's a fairly obvious protective measure NOT to do that, to keep away from him and, one assumes, any family/friends/coworkers of his who may be hearing his version and likely to act badly if they see you as a result. So it does worry me slightly that you see moving to a different town in the same area as a concession - that should be the bare minimum.

Is this job still on offer? That feels like a good reason to return to the area potentialy but it seems unlikely after 2 months?

I don't know where you live or how widely the distance the social worker considers practical, but while I live close to various friends/family members, there is a fairly wide area that I could nonetheless move to and still be fairly close, but not actually in the same area. Surely that is true for you too?

Most importantly, I imagine the social worker wants to know that prioritising your DD's safety is the most important thing for you and if you can't, then they will step in. The fact they feel this strongly about the area, suggests that your ex is very dangerous and that they don't completely believe you see that.

Thank you so much for giving such a detailed response. I’m assuming you’re a social worker so I’d like to share more detail with you as I think you could give me the best advice.

The incident itself isn’t why I’ve been moved. I was moved because following the end of my exs bail, he wanted to know where our relationship stood. I said I wanted space to figure that out and to process. He took that as his que to come to my home every night following that. I told my social worker and she said I needed to move.

Nothing has changed in the last 2 months. Yes I absolutely had plans but I was grateful for me and my baby being safe. What has shifted is that through hearing about similar situations, I’m now under the impression that being moved was jumping straight to an extreme on my social workers part. It seems that the most common practice in my situation is to put a non molestation or protective order in place and that uprooting a mum and newborn is a last resort. I really like my social worker so I hope that doesn’t sound like I’m hating on her but I am feeling really unhappy about this. My other issue is that when I was moved here I was told it was temporary to ensure I get space and to show that I was willing to protect my baby from further incidents so of course I agreed. But now when I talk with her I’m getting the impression that this is permanent and the threat of solicitors and removing my baby seems to be coming up a lot despite all of her reports saying I’m a really good mum and she’s happy I’ve taken this step.

I’ve been advised by a lawyer that if I put a request to move to her, that has “quantifiable steps” to ensure safety, then it has to be considered rather than an informal conversation where like I said I keep getting threatened with my baby being taken from me. I should also mention that I’m in no rush to return. I’ve been doing a course in domestic abuse and I understand that post separation abuse is at a really high risk in the first several months after the split. I absolutely know that now I’m here I have to wait and make the most of this time. I’m trying my best to enjoy having peace with my daughter and heal. I’ve been referred to a therapist and although local nursery isn’t an option as they have no space, I’m doing my best to socialise my baby with the other adults and children in refuge. I really am doing my best.

im sorry for the information overload and I really hope I don’t sound like I’m hating on my social worker. I’m really grateful for the help and support she has given me and I love my daughter so so much. I’m happy we are both safe. I just don’t want to have to change our whole future because her father was an idiot and it could’ve potentially been handled another way? I hope that makes sense.

if you have any further thoughts or guidance I would really appreciate hearing from you again.

I’ve been advised by a lawyer that if I put a request to move to her, that has “quantifiable steps” to ensure safety, then it has to be considered

It's not up to your social worker to 'consider' if you're allowed to move or not. What kind of accommodation are you in? I am also a social worker and I don't like the way this is being communicated to you at all. Moving out of your home when your ex won't stop harassing you is a last resort that should be employed AFTER a non molestation order has been tried. Did you apply for one?

Honestly I know to some it may sound stupid but I was raised in a military family. The area I’ve been moved from is the longest I’ve lived anywhere and it’s the first place I’ve been able to plant any real roots since moving out of my parents home at 18. I’m 28 now. Maybe I am being unreasonable but to me it’s just so heart breaking that this place was my home and where I planned to live indefinitely and a good place to raise my daughter.

yes the job is still on offer. I actually had 2 offers of work. One was in a nursery and they would also have my daughter at a discounted rate on the days I worked and one was a job I had left but were inviting me back.

and yes so the area I was in is Gloucestershire. My ex currently lives in Tewkesbury which is on one side of the county. The area I was thinking of moving too is about 30-40 minutes away from there. I had hoped that that was a reasonable distance.

And I agree, throughout she’s spoken about how important it is to prioritise her safety and I am doing everything she advises. Moving back to the county is the only thing we “butt heads” on. That’s why I wanted to put something in writing to show I’ve really thought this through and am working towards agreeing a plan for safety with them.

thank you for taking the time to respond

I said to her that I really wanted to move back. She advised that she thinks I need to make the most of being in refuge which I said I was trying and will continue to. To which she said “good because if you came back now I’d be looking at getting solicitors involved and having DD taken out of this situation”.

Edited by MNHQ to remove identifying details

No I hadn’t even heard of a non molestation order until I did my own research. When I told her my ex wouldn’t leave me alone, moving to a refuge was the only option presented to me. I’m in a women’s aid refuge

Please request a meeting with the social worker and the manager to discuss this. You need to hear it from a manager so you can understand what the message actually is. In what capacity do you have a solicitor?

If you are being completely honest and there isn't information missing here then this wouldn't meet threshold for removal. The local authority are not able to restrict where you live and can only remove your child if they are at risk of significant harm. The situation you suggest (again if accurate) could be potentially safely managed but you need to be aware that it may increase risks and also increase concerns about your motivations.

Under what auspices are social care currently supporting you and your child under - is your child on a child protection plan or are you in pre-proceedings? If in pre-proceedings your solicitor needs to support you to review this plan in PLO meeting. If on child protection plan you could always also reach out to your child protection conference chair.

I would suggest you need to request to meet with your social worker and their manager to discuss your plan and rationale for this. Have you discussed it with your key worker at the refuge and have they been able to support you to think through what the safety plan can look like, they should be able to help you think through things like target hardening at the address (measures to make the property safer), how you can manage risk if father has any child contact etc.

You say you've sought legal advice - if not in pre-proceedings but have a solicitor you could invite them to join the meeting. Alternatively if you have supportive relationship with someone from the refuge it may be helpful for them to join the meeting.

Why do you know hes on a course. Hes dead to you now. Forget about him move on

Thank you for your help. I will do that. And I don’t have a solicitor. The advise I was given was through a free consult

Thank you for reaching out. Yes I have given all the details of this situation in my post and comments.

DD is on a child protection plan with her 6 month review set for January. Her social worker has a meeting with us everyday 10 days to monitor what happens. And thank you for that idea, I hadn’t thought about speaking to our chair. I would be interested to hear her thoughts as in our last meeting she was very pro us working things out and remaining a family. Whilst I don’t want to be with my ex anymore I would like to hear what she has to say about me being moved out of the county.

Yes I have a keyworker in the refuge and I’m due to have a session with her tomorrow. I plan on showing her the plan I’ve come up with so far to get her advice before I present it to social services. Given what you’ve said I think I will get her guidance and then arrange the meeting with the coils worker and manager. Like I’ve said in previous comments I’m in no rush to move back now as I completely agree having the space and time to process and heal is important, I just don’t want me moving back close to my previous home to be totally off the table.

Thank you for your advice. I unfortunately can’t afford legal representation in an official capacity but when I arrange the meeting I will look into if this is something legal aid can accompany me with

* Edited by MNHQ*

when I arrange the meeting I will look into if this is something legal aid can accompany me with

you can't get legal aid to represent you unless/until the local authority enters pre proceedings or care proceedings. You won't need a solicitor at this stage. You just need some open conversation with the SW and the manager.

Unfortunately you won't get legal aid unless the local authority determine that your child needs to be considered within pre-proceedings (link here about what pre-proceedings is frg.org.uk/get-help-and-advice/what/pre-proceedings/). You could also reach out to the family rights group for advice and support - they have a helpline, it is an organisation run by parents with experience of social care and care system.

I think your approach sounds sensible, I hope the meeting with your social worker and manager is productive. You can always utilise the complaints process if you are not happy following that meeting but I think if possible working with the professionals around you, listening to their worries and potential solutions/offer of support is the best way to move forward if you can.