To leave my husband when he has cancer?

[Braindrain22]

H has been financially, emotionally and one time, physically abusive.

He is a pathological liar. I tried to commit suicide and he dropped me off at A &E shouting and screaming at me.
He has lied about our finances, he has texted other women. I really could go on.

He now has cancer and his abuse has ramped up. Shouting, screaming, taking everything out on me. I've had enough, I have always been a SaHm, I have no job, no pension.

But if I leave, imagine ? He manipulates people, including our DC. But I just don't think I can take it anymore. I am spiralling again, my mental health is suffering. But if I leave it will fall to our DC and I can't let that happen. Please.... what should I do?

Please leave him. You deserve to have a life. He is not your problem, your job, or your duty. Make the first step. Decide today you are leaving.

You can call Macmillan - support line for people and their partners/family with cancer. They might be able to support you with your feelings of guilt and how to move on. There is also the Samaritans and SHOUT ( text support.)

Look online and find a solicitor in your town who deals with divorce.
Email or phone them tomorrow to make an appt - many give 30 mins free.

Make yourself a list of what you need to do.
You don't have to suffer any more like this.

The fact his father is/ was an abuser makes it worse- he's not had a good role model and will be copying that.

Thank you for replying @Braindrain22
You have to do what’s best for you.
You are wondering how, if you leave him now it will be perceived by others.
Well ! Those who matter won’t mind ( they know what he’s like ) and those who mind ( like your unsupportive, including violent fil, in laws ) don’t matter.
Now is your chance to get out.
Can your family help financially?

Thank you for replying @Braindrain22
You have to do what’s best for you.
You are wondering how, if you leave him now it will be perceived by others.
Well ! Those who matter won’t mind ( they know what he’s like ) and those who mind ( like your unsupportive, including violent fil, in laws ) don’t matter.
Now is your chance to get out.
Can your family help financially?

The cancer is irrelevant. This man is abusive so you have to leave. Get some advice from DV charities. Have your children been blind to this or have they been manipulated by him? Sod what others think and put yourself nearer the top of the pile. Making yourself financially dependent on him was unfortunate. See what benefits you can claim and offer the DC at home the chance to come with you. If they have fallen under his spell leave them there. They are adults and this is no way to live.

He's abusive so absolutely leave, yes he'll do the boo hooing that his wife left him when he got cancer but you know what? Bloody let him. Those who are worth having around will get your side before making judgements, and the ones who don't and believe him and think your awful? They don't matter and the trash will take itself out.

Agreed. I mentioned upthread an acquaintance who was in a similar situation. She had a miserable existence.

Her now ex's kids had no intention of looking after him, but expected my acquaintance to do it all. As I said upthread, it took another two years before she left him.

When they shit hit the fan with exh, and I could feel people being baffled at how I could leave such a wonderful man at the time of his greatest need and vulnerability.

I asked a few to ask themselves WHY a woman would leave a man when he was least able to come after her.

That shut a few up.

You need to leave him. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of. His behaviour is shameful; you are not at all shameful for having tried to stick with it and make it work for so long.

The best thing you can do is leave and be honest about why. It’s natural to not want to expose the awful stuff he’s done or to want to try to protect your kids from it, but sunlight is always the best disinfectant. He maintains control by making you feel ashamed, and by lying about the reality. People might not want to believe the truth if it shatters their imaginary image of him, but the truth is the truth. Most people will be horrified and want to help.

If you need practical advice on how to get out you should think about contacting a domestic abuse charity. There are lots of good ones and lots of them offer a free help line.

Hi OP. Reading your thread from last year and wondered if you left him? There's a genuine reason for my asking.

Leave. You’ve nothing to feel guilty about. Cancer isn’t an excuse for abuse. See how he copes without you as a punchbag.

I’ll bet it did !!!
Well done you @SocksTooSmallAgain

Your children are adults

Get a job

Leave

You are unhsppy that is a good enough reason to leave

We could list 100 more reasons

Contact Womens Aid or your local council for advice

Leave this abusive man.

The fact that he has cancer does not make him less of a vile individual.

He will have to find ways to look after himself. The hospital/social services can asses his needs.You and your children do not have to care for him.

I think it sounds like he has been abusive for a long time and you have lost your self-esteem and sense of boundaries. You don't have to continue wasting your life with this man.

I’d find it hard to leave someone close to me, with a cancer diagnosis, but you must do what you feel best.

She is leaving an abuser...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I had the most ridiculous argument with someone recently who thought that you should look after the father of your children if he was ill no matter what kind of a person he was. This same woman has also told me the stats about how many men leave wives and partners after the woman's cancer diagnosis - which is absolutely staggering. And it is staggering that people still have the patriarchal point of view that you owe this man anything.

My ex had cancer, I hated him and felt sick that I would be trapped being his carer. He recovered, had an affair and I guess you could say the trash took itself out. But I know how you feel about what people will think - remember, you feel that way because of how we as women are conditioned to put everyone but ourselves first. Tell everyone the truth, as other PPs said, talk to your GP, charities, anyone and everyone who can get you through this. You owe him (and anyone who takes his side) absolutely nothing.

Thank you for asking, I'm sorry to say not yet!

A lot has happened since my last post. Sorry this is long.....

The chemo worked very well but the doctors are concerned that there is still some cancer cells left. They wanted to do a major operation to make sure everything is gone. This operation would be life changing and very risky. H has refused to do it, the doctor that we spoke to was very good and said he could "watch and wait" but he may have a scan where everything looks ok and then a few months later it could have spread everywhere.

H is prepared to take the risk, although he hasn't had any follow up scans so far.

He is now saying that he doesn't think he even had cancer in the first place!!

We have a couple, who we have been friends with for years, the man in the couple has known my husband for a long time. They don't live near us anymore but have been very supportive through this journey. They have been messaging me too to give support.

I found out a few lies my H has been telling me and broke down on the phone to this couple and told them how he has been treating me. Their reaction left me shocked, they both said I need to divorce him. When I said how awful that would look the man ( who has known my H since their teens) said " anyone that knows H would not blame you for leaving".

There is more but I need to pop out, will update later if anyone is interested?

Have pm'd you x

Oh OP - how sad for you. I hope you find a path forward which suits you.

I lost my dear dad in January, it was awful, H as per wasn't very sympathetic and didn't really support me at all. I sat for 3 weeks with my dad watching him slowly die.

I arranged the funeral and dealt with all the paperwork etc. My mum said if H wanted to come she would be ok with it. I said to H please don't think that you have to come if you feel uncomfortable. He replied "well my mum wants to go"

Not I want to support you, the kids . I blew up and said I didn't want him there. He used to get on with my dad. But my dad just put up with him for my sake really and hated him towards the end.

I have contacted Refuge who said that I am being abused, I can approach a council for housing etc.
They have been very kind, but I've just been stuck in this huge cloud of grief. Unable to do anything .

I caught my H sending flirty messages to a woman that I know. I still haven't got to the bottom of it. I don't care but just feel angry that it is someone I know and how loving the messages were.

Ive told H I want a divorce. He said he won't sell the house, I told him I can force him too. It isn't a good financial move to sell yet, not enough equity for us each to buy somewhere and I have my DD to think of too.

However, the atmosphere at home is awful, I'm just finding it difficult to find the strength to do anything about it just yet.

Thank you for reading

I may ask for this to be moved to relationships, is that possible?

Hi op I think you have been through too much to back down could you rent somewhere or start the divorce proceedings so he knows you mean it and if he does anything to you call the police I usually have sympathy for anyone with cancer but your dh is a proper twat he doesn’t love or respect you one bit. Op now is the time to escape do not do anything to yourself he’s not worth it get help from somebody you trust and women’s aid. If he bad mouths you just say hey I would rather be whatever he says than a wife beating cheating abusive twat. Forget other people and there comments your the one suffering and your dc will be grateful you got away in one piece especially dd as it could be them one day.

“Anyone that knows H would not blame you for leaving.”
Said by his long time “friend”.
That says it all @Braindrain22
It’s not you. It’s him. Your husband.