Is this a friend?

[Littlebluedot]

So I've confided in this friend about my mum who is very narcissistic and toxic and it's been getting me down so I've confided in said friend, I also confided in her about another friend that has been bitching about us all.

Anyway I sent her a pic I saw on Facebook that said "It's a credit to your character that you don't understand why people do unkind things, so instead of despairing and picking apart someone's lack of compassion, celebrate the fact that yours is abundant enough to never treat people that way"

She then replied with

I'm sorry that you don't think I was supportive. I was trying not to get involved. Please don't complain to me again about anyone. It's been quite draining this week. I've tried to help and advise you, but it's getting me down because you've gone over the same thing on different occasions when we've met up and it's been getting me down and I'm not good at helping people with their emotions. I never know what to say apart from offer practical advise and tell them it might not be how it comes across. And that's not always helpful when someone says to give them the benefit of doubt. I hope you understand because your friendship is important to me x

I just feel really hurt by that because it's her whose brought it up at times and I try and be supportive to her because I thought that's what friends were for.

I'm just wondering if to continue with the friendship.

She's a friend because she is being honest with you that she doesn't feel equipped to give the kind of support you need. Not everyone can do that. You either need to find someone who can (maybe a therapist), or someone who doesn't mind that kind of conversation. Keep in mind that people who always complain, or who do it a lot, can be very draining and people tend to want to hang out with positive people.

Well you know what to do if she has a problem and mentions it more than once .

I don't feel I do complain a lot but maybe I do... It's been a stressful couple of weeks and I've had a lot going on, I just needed a friend bit maybe I picked the wrong friend.

Sounds like you have been doing a lot of complaining about things which to be fair, can get very draining to hear constantly.

I would use this as a chance to self reflect and ask yourself if you have been doing this, if so, tone it down and apologise.

I don’t know why you would send her that? I’d be a bit offended to be honest. I think she did the right thing even though it might sting. If you need to offload it’s best to get a therapist or start journaling. Friends do support each other but it’s not enjoyable when someone constantly offloads.

You need to stop complaining load when you meet this friend… you should get a therapist to offer load too

Ok, appreciate what your saying. Thank you for the advice x

It would really grate on me to receive that meme. It’s attention-seeking, it’s not actually you saying something nice to her about her character, it’s you trying to reel her into responding to you with more support for your problems. She’s not equipped to give you the level of support you need, she’s been clear that she doesn’t think the practical advice she has given is appreciated. If you want to talk about your mum being a narcissist then you need to find a therapist qualified to talk about that, not an unqualified friend.

I don't know what the hell that quote is supposed to mean (?), but I hate being sent those kind of things with quotes on. I never know what to say to them.

Because I could relate to it, I am the kind of person that picks things apart. I realise in hindsight she probably thought it was directed at her but it genuinely wasn't.

Yeah, completely understand where your coming from. I think it's probably time to self reflect. Thank you for your advice

Agree, she should consider not being your friend because you lack the ability to sense or respect her boundaries or differences.

You are the bad friend in this, not her

That meme is offensive. Read it back. It is a thinly veiled attack not a compliment. It calls out her ignorance.

If your mother is narcissistic how are you responding to that? Have you cut her off emotionally to prevent her behaviour from harming you or are you still incredulously commenting on her behaviour because you see it as abnormal. It is draining listening to people repeating the same issues without taking action to mind themselves. Focus on managing your situation. Your friend is entitled to not get dragged in if she does not have the emotional resources.

Whether you've actually been complaining too much or not, she's telling you how it feels when she talk to you. She's not shutting you out, she's said your friendship is important to her. You can either back away and not be her friend or listen and keep the friendship going. Maybe she's also having a tough time and feels you're not listening to her, at least she's had the decency to tell you rather than just fade away. Sounds like a decent friend to me

Reply with an apology, you didn't realise and go from there.

Yes I think so, she clearly values your friendship. She’s setting her boundaries, letting you know she doesn’t feel she can advise you.
Thing is, there’s only so much you can advise/sympathise with someone (they can’t change anything can they).

Christ on a bike! That meme is so offensive after you'd confided in her! I'm a bit speechless tbh. Your poor friend 😢

I think you didn’t read that meme carefully, and she did.

What!!!!!?? But you sent it to her? How could she NOT think it was directed at her?

Yes, in hindsight I can see how it looks and maybe it was a bit attention seeky on my part.

Me and my mum aren't speaking at the moment but it's been tough, I think I seek validation on friends because I've been put down my whole life by my mum, always belittles and comments on my weight or how I look so feel I have an anxiety about that x

Thank you, I definitely will do!

Really appreciate your advice xx

Probably yeah, but hindsight is a wonderful thing!

Yeah that likely seems what she was saying and understand what your saying about the advising part.

I will rein it in from now on x

I can't even work out what that meme means, but I can imagine why your friend has taken offence to it, especially since she has clearly offered you a listening ear. She has responded in a very compassionate, but firm way.

Kindly - those kind of memes always smack of being a bit self obsessed I think, but well done on the fact you're reflecting now.

That is horrendous from your mother and deeply traumatic but you need therapy to deal with this level of stuff as it will wear out your friendships.

Both DH and I come from extremely dysfunctional families and it is incredibly difficult so I understand your deep grief.

From experience though DHs sister looked to us to take on a surrogate role as therapist come parent as she dealt with the fallout on her side. But over time it completely drained and overwhelmed us, remember we both have our own issues too, she is massively resentful and honestly we have cut her off emotionally at this stage at least temporarily because her resentment is so damaging and quite honestly it is misplaced from her parents. She would say she doesn’t complain often too but she absolutely does.

Please don’t put yourself in that position with your friends. They are not replacement therapists. They are friends.

Thank you for your kind words, I'll take it on board ❤️