Friends HE don't like

[Nurse6868]

I've had a friend for many years. She didn't finish high school.She has four kids she raised on her own, She's always doing different little jobs to get money. Still, she has always been there for me. My fiance doesn't care for her. He says he doesn't want her in our house. He talks to her but its fake. Today he said I had to get rid of her for good or move out. She has never disrespected him and has never influenced me in any way. I don't want to Lose our friendship.What would YOU do?

Is it his house or “our” house?

Super weird that he'd feel so strongly that he wants you to end the friendship or get out. He doesn't have any secret 'history' with he does he? That's the first thing that popped into my head...

Tell your finance that who you are friends with is none of his concern? Unless she is pushing drugs, what’s his problem?

what if he doesn’t like your mum next? Wil she be banned?

My question is: what’s motivating him? Is he controlling? Why does he say he expects you to end the friendship?

Any partner who believes they have any right at all to tell you who you're allowed to be friends with should very rapidly become an ex partner.

It's beyond controlling, and isolating victims from their friends and family is a very common early approach by abusive people, so be careful.

If you've been with him for years & there are no other red flags, then he maybe gets one reminder:
"I love you, but you're my partner not my parent. I'm an adult and I get to decide for myself who my friends are."

If he doesn't like her, it's reasonable to try to minimise times that they're together (still doesn't mean he gets to ban her from your home), but certainly not to influence you to stop the friendship.

wow he’s certainly making a big deal of it. What’s his problem with her exactly?

Be very wary of marrying this guy this could be the start of him controlling the narrative of who you have or don't have in your life.
Red flag I'd say.

She's always doing different little jobs to get money.
Is this code for saying she does/has done sex work such as OF? Or sells weed? Not that this means he can control who you are friends with, but going from tolerating someone he doesn't like, to telling you to move out is a big leap. Would the little jobs she does for money bother him in that way?

She... has never influenced me in any way.
Your wording suggests she does do something he might not want you hanging around. If my partner had a best friend who used drugs, cheated on his partner, stole cars etc I would not want that person in my home, regardless of whether they were nice to me.

If there really is no back story, then controlling who you are friends with is a big red flag. Is he like that in other ways, such as not liking what you wear, or not liking you going out with friends in general?

Is it his house? How often is she there?

On the surface it sounds strange and controlling.

but, if her little jobs include criminal activity or unsavoury characters then he does have a point about not wanting her in his home.

only you know the facts and back story

This. He's testing the waters, how soon can he isolate you from your friends and support network?

If he is really uncomfortable around her, I'd just meet her elsewhere. Tell him that is as far as you are prepared to go, and see how he reacts.

No-one should ever be able to dictate your friends. That is a massive red flag, OP. Think hard before you attach yourself permanently to that man !

Fuck that! I bet you don’t adore all his mates too. Start packing or you are going to lead a very lonely life with this man.

Yap! Do any of her kids look eerily like your fiance?

I can't believe anybody is suggesting he has the right to do this.

Even if she is a sex worker as some have suggested, you are a grown adult and entitled to decide who you are friends with.

If he won't back down, leave him. I would be tempted to leave him anyway.

Who does he think he is? Hate men like this.

Easy, you move out and date him if you want to. Do you have other friends he doesn't like?

I'd be getting rid of him

This is easy - move out as soon as you can.

This is the start of the isolation from friends and domestic abuse. He does NOT get to pick your friends or stop you from seeing them.

This is dangerous - please leave, before it gets much, much worse.

This is controlling behaviour, telling you who you can be friends with. You are an adult and you get to decide who you are friends with. You make the choice and decisions.

Usually these things escalate if you agree with him. First it is your friend, then family, then what you wear, who you talk to at work.

It is a red flag and you should consider your entire relationship.

"She has....never influenced me in any way."

Agree with pp who picked up on this line. Our friends influence us all the time - try a new bar, wear a new style of coat, consider a different car - big or small, we subconsciously (and overtly) take note of what people we know, and whose opinions we trust, do.

But we don't go round saying it out loud, it just happens. So what your comment reads like is that she's never got you to do anything bad/dangerous/dodgy and you see that as a plus for her. In isolation, it is the opposite - but I also agree with pp that it is part of a wider evaluation of your partner's behaviours and end goal.

Get rid of fiance. Sounds a right nob head

It's ompletely unreasonable for him to expect you to end a friendship because he doesn't like her. He doesn't have to like her, but he does have to put up with her.
Does he have any reason for behaving this way?
Has he been critical of any other people in your social circle? I'd be very wary of him trying to socially isolate you. This is classic abusers handbook behaviour.

Red flag
You can be friends with whoever you like and it’s not up to him.
Is he controlling in other ways?

I’d be packing my bags personally

He's shagged her, I bet you a tenner

sisters before misters. If she has done nothing to him but is a good friend to you there’s no reason for him to be a dick!

I'd leave. Choosing between a controlling man and a long time good friend, no choice at all.

It sounds like the beginning of him trying to isolate you from friends and family and ramp up the control to abuse.

I would ditch him for thinking he can control your friendships. A red light for sure.