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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please tell me this gets easier

35 replies

justamumandherson · 23/10/2025 23:09

I hate myself. I took my son and left three weeks ago after being strangled from behind to the point I blacked out. I drained the joint account and all my savings and stayed at a hotel for a few nights until I found a place I could afford to rent, I moved a few towns over and I’m trying to rebuild. I’ve lost my life I lost my career I’ve lost everything.

Every night my son asks where his bus bed and where all his toys are and I try make it fun but what’s fun about being 4 and losing all your home comforts and toys and possessions, (thankfully I had funds left over in my savings to re buy his school uniform even then he has one of everything) what’s fun about sleeping on a battered blow up mattress, what’s fun about living off microwave meals when you hate pasta but your stupid mum didn’t think logically and just left.

I miss cooking in a oven, I miss being able to choose clothes to wear in the morning and not having to baby wipes stains and marks off the same two jumpers and leggings I have on rotation because that’s all I have. I miss having a coat because I’m soaked every morning on the school run.I miss my clients from my career. I miss the coffee shop round the corner from my old house.

I hate that everyday my sons asks for things that I just can’t give him.

I hate myself for missing adult conversations in the evening (despite sitting anxiously not knowing what’s coming if the conversation took a turn) I miss having someone to talk to about my son or my day.

I wish I didn’t spent over 10 years of my life with a man who did nothing for the last 3 years but run up debt in my name and beat me black and blue

I hate him with all my heart but I wish I could have my life back, I wish this weren’t so fucking hard.

OP posts:
GoodBones85 · 23/10/2025 23:14

However hard it feels in this moment you did the right thing for you and your son leaving.

Have you contacted an organisation like women’s aid or your local IDVA service for support? Please do this. There are services who can help you.

Sending hugs OP. You are brave and strong. And your son will thank you in the long run for prioritising both of your safety above all else ❤️

edited for typos

SpringSummerAutumn · 23/10/2025 23:15

If you'd stayed he would have killed you OP.
You had to do what you did.
It sounds so hard and just not fair at all.
But it will get easier. You will build a new life for yourself and your son.

Imbusytodaysorry · 23/10/2025 23:18

@justamumandherson things will get easier. Ut only gets better from here on In.
Do you plan to go to the police ?
Are you able to ask them to help retrieve your stuff ?
Op do you have any family support ?
You did the right thing . Your natural reaction was to run and be safe.
soon enough your son won’t temper these times . He would however remember the abuse if you stayed .

Original poster
justamumandherson · 23/10/2025 23:35

GoodBones85 · 23/10/2025 23:14

However hard it feels in this moment you did the right thing for you and your son leaving.

Have you contacted an organisation like women’s aid or your local IDVA service for support? Please do this. There are services who can help you.

Sending hugs OP. You are brave and strong. And your son will thank you in the long run for prioritising both of your safety above all else ❤️

edited for typos

Edited

I don’t feel comfortable talking to woman’s aid or any similar organisations, I spent so long sheltering my son from seeing or hearing anything I’m too worried they’d have to report the abuse given how bad it got and I can’t risk that. That little boy is my whole world, the only reason I’m still here. Oh how I wish that was a real hug, I have never felt so alone

OP posts:
Original poster
justamumandherson · 23/10/2025 23:38

Imbusytodaysorry · 23/10/2025 23:18

@justamumandherson things will get easier. Ut only gets better from here on In.
Do you plan to go to the police ?
Are you able to ask them to help retrieve your stuff ?
Op do you have any family support ?
You did the right thing . Your natural reaction was to run and be safe.
soon enough your son won’t temper these times . He would however remember the abuse if you stayed .

I can’t and won’t go to the police I think that’s why he did it for so long because he knew id never call them because I’m too scared it’ll have a knock on impact on my son.
Im a single child of two dead parents (sorry to be morbid) and recently come to learn the one friend I thought I had really isn’t a friend at all, I really am just a mum and her son. Deep down I know I did the right thing I just feel like I should’ve been more prepared I mean after three and a half years of being punched, kicked burnt and spat on you’d think I would’ve been smart enough to have a plan

OP posts:
iamnotalemon · 23/10/2025 23:42

Oh I’m so sorry. You did the right thing for you and your son and he won’t remember only wearing two tops or not having his toys, but he would remember the scars I’d you’d stayed. Sending you a big hug x

lostmum1980 · 23/10/2025 23:55

I have 2 coats I’ve listed on Vinted if you want to have look? They are size 14. Im happy to send them on to you (no payment needed ) and it would go to a pick up point of your choosing so you wouldn’t have to share your address x

Original poster
justamumandherson · 23/10/2025 23:58

lostmum1980 · 23/10/2025 23:55

I have 2 coats I’ve listed on Vinted if you want to have look? They are size 14. Im happy to send them on to you (no payment needed ) and it would go to a pick up point of your choosing so you wouldn’t have to share your address x

I’m not sure I could even accept that, that’s too kind but thank you so much

OP posts:
MarxistMags · 23/10/2025 23:59

I wish I could give you a hug (((hug))) Just to reassure you that you did the right thing for you both. But I know you know that.
Can you get your stuff and your son's stuff in any way ? You need to let help in for the sake of both of you. There are some wonderful organisations that can help you. What have you got to lose. You have been so brave and determined so far.
I wish you peace and much luck for the future. X

Sodthesystem · 24/10/2025 00:06

You went when you were ready, that's more powerful than a plan. If you'd stayed till you made a plan then you may have lost your strength.

I would say that if you have any fear he may try go for any form of custody (as they often do to try spite you) then you would be wise to report his crimes. Having a record of him nearly killing you might protect your child in future. Ideally he'd go to jail where he belongs.

I'd also ask you (no pressure) to consider that he will hurt the next woman too...perhaps, kill her. So if you could do anything that might prevent that, it may be worth considering. I know it's awful to consider but, if he kills a woman and you could have done something...you may beat yourself up forever. Perhaps youre just not in a position to think about this yet though. And that's valid. You have a new life to build.

I know it's scary, but isn't it also kind of exciting, to get the chance to start anew... you should be proud of yourself, you have given yourself and your little boy a fresh start.

Sodthesystem · 24/10/2025 00:08

justamumandherson · 23/10/2025 23:35

I don’t feel comfortable talking to woman’s aid or any similar organisations, I spent so long sheltering my son from seeing or hearing anything I’m too worried they’d have to report the abuse given how bad it got and I can’t risk that. That little boy is my whole world, the only reason I’m still here. Oh how I wish that was a real hug, I have never felt so alone

Show quote history

Pretty sure you can talk to them autonomously. And, you're out now so I shouldn't think they have any reason to report you to anyone.

Cluborange666 · 24/10/2025 00:12

You are an amazing mother doing the absolute best for your child. Hold your head high woman xxx
i don’t suppose you want to say which area you are in? (To get ideas for support, I mean.)

quickswitch · 24/10/2025 00:13

I know of a woman that left with 2 kids a back pack train ticket an address on a peice of paper and a tenner to her name.
She left with nothing only the cloths on back and a set of clothes for each child.
She got a train that took her to a whole new place hours away she new nothing off.
Arrived a few hours later to huge building thought it was the wrong place but she made it to a womens aid home that was waiting for her to arrive.
And like you she had no one not a single friend.
She made a promise she would never go back.
She changed her number first day.

She never went back 13 years on she has cosy little flat a job kids have moved on both in their 20s both boys both are close to their mum.
Now has friends stayed single her choice and to day she book a solo holiday to venice.
It was hard to heal but with time it got better.

I know for a dead fact if that fucker came near me now he would be the scared one not me.
I would call the police because im not scared of him or his childish threats.

Thankfully hes not bothered us once i think its because i left no trace i didnt and still dont do SM changed my number nothing was joint so i was in the clear.

Keep your head up op it will get better and one day he wont be important anymore when people become unimportant there is nothing left to fear, they fear your next move if they try to make a move.
You have done the first steps keep going little steps every day and every day will get better.
In a few years time your see how strong you really was and much better you are now.

lostmum1980 · 24/10/2025 00:20

justamumandherson · 23/10/2025 23:58

I’m not sure I could even accept that, that’s too kind but thank you so much

Show quote history

Honestly I do not mind at all. I don’t know if you can pm on here? but have a look at them and see if you like?! I won’t be offended if not your style! Vinted name is melanieking1223

summitfever · 24/10/2025 00:25

Speak to women’s aid and they’ll put you in touch with charities to get you furniture, clothes, toys etc. No need to tell them everything but they will give you practical help. And take the coats from pp, take all the help you’re offered and get back on your feet. People are amazing, pay it forward when you can x

leavepartner · 24/10/2025 00:32

Well done for leaving. You have done the right thing for you and your son. Your son will realise this when he is grown himself. He will be proud of you.

My earlier post about leaving my grumpy partner makes me feel silly now hearing how much you have been through. Sending hugs.

All the things you want and miss will come to you and they will feel
so much sweeter. Your new life is just around the corner. I promise x

fishtank12345 · 24/10/2025 00:35

justamumandherson · 23/10/2025 23:09

I hate myself. I took my son and left three weeks ago after being strangled from behind to the point I blacked out. I drained the joint account and all my savings and stayed at a hotel for a few nights until I found a place I could afford to rent, I moved a few towns over and I’m trying to rebuild. I’ve lost my life I lost my career I’ve lost everything.

Every night my son asks where his bus bed and where all his toys are and I try make it fun but what’s fun about being 4 and losing all your home comforts and toys and possessions, (thankfully I had funds left over in my savings to re buy his school uniform even then he has one of everything) what’s fun about sleeping on a battered blow up mattress, what’s fun about living off microwave meals when you hate pasta but your stupid mum didn’t think logically and just left.

I miss cooking in a oven, I miss being able to choose clothes to wear in the morning and not having to baby wipes stains and marks off the same two jumpers and leggings I have on rotation because that’s all I have. I miss having a coat because I’m soaked every morning on the school run.I miss my clients from my career. I miss the coffee shop round the corner from my old house.

I hate that everyday my sons asks for things that I just can’t give him.

I hate myself for missing adult conversations in the evening (despite sitting anxiously not knowing what’s coming if the conversation took a turn) I miss having someone to talk to about my son or my day.

I wish I didn’t spent over 10 years of my life with a man who did nothing for the last 3 years but run up debt in my name and beat me black and blue

I hate him with all my heart but I wish I could have my life back, I wish this weren’t so fucking hard.

You are alive. That's all your son needs really. You will be fine. Well done for getting away. You are a good mum for doing that!

Icecreamhelps · 24/10/2025 00:39

I came home from school one day, and an hour later my mum had packed me, my baby brother and what we could carry into a black taxi to a women's refuge whilst my dad was at work. The tipping point for my mum was he became physically abusive to me and my brother. We left with only the items we needed. Everything else was left behind. But what lay ahead watching my mum be free and grow with the freedom she found out of a controlling and abusive relationship was wonderful.

fishtank12345 · 24/10/2025 00:43

justamumandherson · 23/10/2025 23:09

I hate myself. I took my son and left three weeks ago after being strangled from behind to the point I blacked out. I drained the joint account and all my savings and stayed at a hotel for a few nights until I found a place I could afford to rent, I moved a few towns over and I’m trying to rebuild. I’ve lost my life I lost my career I’ve lost everything.

Every night my son asks where his bus bed and where all his toys are and I try make it fun but what’s fun about being 4 and losing all your home comforts and toys and possessions, (thankfully I had funds left over in my savings to re buy his school uniform even then he has one of everything) what’s fun about sleeping on a battered blow up mattress, what’s fun about living off microwave meals when you hate pasta but your stupid mum didn’t think logically and just left.

I miss cooking in a oven, I miss being able to choose clothes to wear in the morning and not having to baby wipes stains and marks off the same two jumpers and leggings I have on rotation because that’s all I have. I miss having a coat because I’m soaked every morning on the school run.I miss my clients from my career. I miss the coffee shop round the corner from my old house.

I hate that everyday my sons asks for things that I just can’t give him.

I hate myself for missing adult conversations in the evening (despite sitting anxiously not knowing what’s coming if the conversation took a turn) I miss having someone to talk to about my son or my day.

I wish I didn’t spent over 10 years of my life with a man who did nothing for the last 3 years but run up debt in my name and beat me black and blue

I hate him with all my heart but I wish I could have my life back, I wish this weren’t so fucking hard.

If you have a toaster and maybe get a cheap air fryer that is all you need to cook for your boy or make no cook picky plates some days. Research ideas , try to make it a bit ....fun for yourself , make it a challenge... this is your fresh start. Try to go places. Find a new favorite coffee shop.

fishtank12345 · 24/10/2025 00:48

Air fryer on amazon £29.99 currently if that helps. Can make so much. My kid eats chicken nuggets daily. Also does good chips.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 24/10/2025 01:04

You have done so well and have been so brave, ask yourself - what is fun for a 4 year old boy finding his mum has died.

I don't suppose at all that you are in South Devon, but down here our local libraries have coats inside for anyone to just take.
There is also school uniform available.

In Torbay we have a brilliant Facebook page that has been set up for people just like you - toys and clothes for children, essentially for Christmas. people offer items and people ask for items, lots and lots of toys go to one ladies home and people collect from her. Sometimes people are unable to collect and some of us offer to pick up and deliver.
One year one of the members sorted Xmas lunch for about 12 families and members donated towards that etc.

Just incase it helps anyone else, our Facebook group is:

Torbay Familes Christmas appeal

and this is what it says it is about
( out of date as has been running for at least 3 years ? )

About
How I’m thinking of this working

  1. someone in need gets in contact to say their child has asked for I.e. LOL ball.
  2. I post this request on the wall (anonymously)
  3. someone in the group comes forward to donate said gift. Please please don’t feel alone, and ashamed. It’s been a tough year for most but together we can insure no child goes without any presents this Christmas. Please share this post and invite as many to the page as possible for this to work. 😘 See less

Public
Anyone can see who's in the group and what they post.

Visible
Anyone can find this group.

The group has evolved since it's first conception, and many parents offer good condition used toys/books/clothes.

mathanxiety · 24/10/2025 01:53

What's fun about tour son being brought up by strangers because his father killed you?

DurinsBane · 24/10/2025 01:57

justamumandherson · 23/10/2025 23:58

I’m not sure I could even accept that, that’s too kind but thank you so much

Show quote history

Please accept the kind offer, there is nothing wrong with accepting help ❤️

falalalalaaaaaaaa · 24/10/2025 04:09

Oh OP, I know right now all you can see is all the things you didn’t do or can’t provide (yet), but from the outside looking in all I’m reading is how incredibly brave and strong you are for making the choice to get yourself and your boy out of a dangerous situation that was literally never going to get better, only worse.

I wish you could see what everyone else is seeing because holy smokes is that little boy lucky to have a Mum who would give it all up to keep both of you safe. It is so unfair that you’ve had to leave everything behind when you’ve done nothing wrong, but this is just the beginning and Rome wasn’t built in a day. You just have to keep swimming for now, and take one day at a time. Just please don’t hate yourself. You are doing your absolute best in awful circumstances and one day your son will see just how much you loved him through the hard times. Sending you the biggest hug, and please consider accepting the kind offer of those coats ♥️

Nestingbirds · 24/10/2025 04:28

Your son needs you to live more than he needs a bus bed. Every time he asks for something remember the reason he doesn’t have it is because you have chosen to stay in the world and by his side. If he was old enough he would so want you to do this.

By moving out you are protecting him and his future. At some point your son is likely to become fair game to your violent ex too.

One day soon you will be back on your feet, with new clients and a lovely coffee shop to visit. You will be safe, busy with life and have a future that is secure. Keep focusing on how you will get there op.

In the meantime please contact your GP, you are entitled to free counselling these days, and I think you would really benefit from extra support. You can also contact local
agencies for help and support. They will offer you all kinds of help, and will respect your decision not to report to the police if you don’t want to. You are not alone op.