Please tell me this gets easier

[justamumandherson]

I hate myself. I took my son and left three weeks ago after being strangled from behind to the point I blacked out. I drained the joint account and all my savings and stayed at a hotel for a few nights until I found a place I could afford to rent, I moved a few towns over and I’m trying to rebuild. I’ve lost my life I lost my career I’ve lost everything.

Every night my son asks where his bus bed and where all his toys are and I try make it fun but what’s fun about being 4 and losing all your home comforts and toys and possessions, (thankfully I had funds left over in my savings to re buy his school uniform even then he has one of everything) what’s fun about sleeping on a battered blow up mattress, what’s fun about living off microwave meals when you hate pasta but your stupid mum didn’t think logically and just left.

I miss cooking in a oven, I miss being able to choose clothes to wear in the morning and not having to baby wipes stains and marks off the same two jumpers and leggings I have on rotation because that’s all I have. I miss having a coat because I’m soaked every morning on the school run.I miss my clients from my career. I miss the coffee shop round the corner from my old house.

I hate that everyday my sons asks for things that I just can’t give him.

I hate myself for missing adult conversations in the evening (despite sitting anxiously not knowing what’s coming if the conversation took a turn) I miss having someone to talk to about my son or my day.

I wish I didn’t spent over 10 years of my life with a man who did nothing for the last 3 years but run up debt in my name and beat me black and blue

I hate him with all my heart but I wish I could have my life back, I wish this weren’t so fucking hard.

Sending hugs. Please check your dms.

One day, your son will be so proud of you for keeping you both safe x

@justamumandherson women’s aid would support you . They really would . Nobody is going to take your child from you . Abusers use this tactic to stop you reporting them . Social work if ever involved would have asked questions and been happy and content you are safe and away. The risk is if you are still there .
However you are at risk of returning, and this is where you need the support .

If you need to chat happy for you to d.m

You are doing great . You are out and one step closer to peace. Others haven’t been able to make that step yet .

Hiya. Aww I am sorry to read your post BUT I know things you don't know. I have seen hundreds of women and children flee DV and have seen the trajectory. And you are in the first bit. The bit where it becomes clear what you have given up, along with the DV. You have given up your new washing machine that you probably paid for, the toys, the friends, the home, the future - everything. And everything is shit and the road ahead is uphill.

This is all true, and I am glad you told us your feelings on it because that is important.

But today you will get up, feed yourself and your child, do what needs to be done, and you will keep on doing it.

Soon you will find a new life, build one really, and the sun will shine and you will have new clothes and a haircut. Soon your child will bring new friends home, and play with new toys and feel 'at home' in the new life. Soon you will be smiling and free.

I used to have women come in the office at that stage and tell me how free they feel, how light, how full of hope, how their children are doing better, how they are no longer being assessed for SEND, how their behaviour has improved, how their relationship with you has got closer.

You're only at the beginning stage. You have work ahead, but that's life. x Everything will be OK soon.

Cardboard and some paint and create a new bus bed for playing in, honestly he will love this. You are very brave and life will get better. Please reach out today charities to get some support, visit your local food bank they will have lots of help there.

None of it is fun, but your son is much better off having a mother who chose life.
That was an incredible brave thing to do and is worth more than anything else.

Yes it's hard, but you've proven that you will make a better life for yourself and your son. This is just the beginning of that new life.
I'm also sending a virtual hug. Please remember how hard it was enduring that abuse and how close a brush you had with death. You survived that, and you'll survive this too.

Find a mum's group in your area and build yourself a new life.

I am so so proud of you for putting your son first and having the gumption for getting out of there. If they put hands on your neck, there is a high percentage due to statistics that he would have gone on to kill you.

You went full mama bear mode and you survived. The only reason I'd consider at least alerting the police to stop him being able to be in.contact in future. Maybe there will be safety measures put in place to stop him contacting you. I'm taking it he has no idea where you've gone?

Remember this too shall pass. You can build up a career again and new life. It will take time. Your little boy is young enough to start again and not remember everything. Interesting he asks about his bed and toys and not his dad. That's a good thing though.

You can and will get through this. If you need food banks then don't be ashamed to use them. Charity shop for anything you need if you can spare anything, especially a coat. You need a coat in this weather.

You've got this and I know your son will be proud of you even if he doesn't know it yet.

You got him out of there and yourself, fully intact.

So sorry you are in this situation. As other posters have said there is a lot of help out there. Your situation is urgent, please accept as much help as you can. Not just for yourself but your precious son as well. There is a site called Freecycle please have a look on there.

I hope you will soon be in a more positive situation soon. Big Hugs.

I totally admire you for the bravest you've ever been. I truly hope that life begins some normality soon
You are a warrior. Be so proud of yourself x

OP you are an inspiration you truly are! Please believe me you would hate yourself even more if you had stayed and your son was growing up traumatised that his mother was being beaten
Small steps. You will get back on your feet and your son will have a wonderful bed and many toys coming to him. More importantly he will have a stable, peaceful wonderful life all down to you and your bravery.
You are amazing and your future will be too💐

Please talk to the Designated Safeguarding Lead (DSL) at your child's school, they can help with uniform, FSM, referrals etc.