Partner is extremely grumpy ALL THE TIME. Cut and run time?

[leavepartner]

Been with partner a number of years. Two young school age kids. Mortgage in my name only. He works. I am a SAHM after having the kids. I earned more than him previously.

He has always been grumpy but these days he seems to be constantly grumpy. Any minor thing sets him off and he is just unbearable to be around.

I feel as if I am walking on eggshells all the time and he shouts and swears at the kids for any minor inconvenience.

All childcare is down to me. Even when he has days off from work. Manual work different shifts. He hasn’t put our youngest to bed without me being in the house and they are nearly 4.

Feel as though me and the kids would be so much better off without him. Mortgage is thankfully minimal and youngest will start school in September so getting a job won’t be a problem.

Very unhappy. What would you do?

That sounds so hard OP. I remember my dad being miserable before my parents split up, and miserable men trigger me now. Sounds like an unhappy environment for you and your DC

'Grumpyness' is often just a name for low-level aggression, and downplays how damaging it is.

I feel as if I am walking on eggshells all the time and he shouts and swears at the kids for any minor inconvenience

Your children will remember this.

When it's reached this point, it doesn't seem like you have much of a marriage left. And when it comes to fatherhood, other than income, what exactly is he to them except a swearing & shouting machine?

I feels like your home life would be calmer & more pleasant without living under such a dark cloud.

No one is happy now and the stress he’s causing you must be affecting the dc too.

it sounds like you’ll cope well without him and maybe he will become a better parent every other weekend or whenever he does see his dc when he only has himself to think of most of the time.

Yup, boot the grumpiness out of your lives.

Your children are living with an abusive parent. You need to get them to a safe place.

@Wethers121It really is. I actually prefer it when he is at work so I think my mind has been made up x

@EarthSightThe income is another issue. He gets paid (bills are paid by me - he transfers money every month) lives like a king buying whatever he wants without thinking of the rest of the month but then expects me to sub him. I get his wage is his to do what he wants with after bills are paid but he doesn’t see the bigger picture of the rest of the month. Dark cloud needs to go! X

Everyone posting like if is so easy to just leave. What about the fact he will have the kids on his own and you wont be able to stop it. The shouting etc would likely be worse on the kids without you around. If youre on your own you may end up extremely stressed and be the grumpy shouty one. Its not as simple as silly kneejerk answers

Leave. You won't look back.

Start by sorting out some childcare and going back to work. You will need to be financially independent to leave him. I wouldn’t wait until next September. Get your youngest into a nursery, use your free hours and find some paid work so you can start squirrelling some money away.

@lynnebenfieldshandbagI already have some squirrelled away that he doesn’t know about. Remember a family member saying when I was really young about having a “running away fund” and it has always stuck with me so am good in that sense x

How old are you both?

Is he older?

Is it possible there may be something wrong, like illness or depression?

Important to be clear and aware of your rights - get financial/legal advice. Not being married may make things complicated re property etc. You may be able to get a free initial consultation with a solicitor.

Get a job. Income, status, colleagues, career development, more savings, pension, self confidence, a life outside the home - all good things.

Do you have parents / siblings / a good friends network?

Do you drive & have your own car?

Get clear on the financial situation re savings, outgoings, bills, debts.

Yes, cut and run time.

You don't have to stick around in such unhappy circumstances.

You'll be so much better off without him. His attitude to money and family are dreadful.

This is so true. Grumpiness is often just total male entitlement, selfishness and lack of willingness to put oneself out.

it sounds like you’re in a great financial position so you should do what makes you happy and what takes your kids out a situation where they aren’t treated nicely.

Single parenthood can be bloody brilliant, and a whole lot easier than having an additional man-sized teenager on the books to also consider.

And this is the terrible justification why kids endure and women often put up with miserable situations.

If he’s a grumpy disengaged fuckwit, he will be doing EOW maximum and probably not even that. Better to live with a caring and loving parent for 12 days out of 14 than in a dysfunctional and unhappy household 14 days out of 14.

My experience of lone parenting could not be more different from what you describe. There are financial stresses yes, but it actually sounds like this OP might be OK financially.Shedding a needy “all about me/ tantrum when things go wrong” person can only be a massive win.

Why is the mortgage in your name only?

Have not got together with him maybe

You’d be better off emotionally without him in your day to day lives. I cannot see him doing much if any childcare going forward given that he does nothing now. Such men are really selfish to a fault.

What's making him grumpy? Have you tried speaking to him about it?

It's easy to say LTB (as proved above) but is he depressed? Surely you need to speak to him about it and see if it's salvageable

This just puts it off for another year or two. Honestly life is so much better for everyone after they’re gone if you don’t need their financial contribution.

The kids in the situation are being shouted and sworn at regularly by their dad. They too are walking on eggshells. That's no way to live, especially when you are young as it can shape who you are and your relationships in the future.

Leaving can bring a different set of problems, but unless the father here is willing to change his behaviour then a separation is needed to give those kids stability and calm in their lives (as well as for the OP). In situations where the dad is like this, it is very unlikely he would wish to have 50/50 contact with them.

Som men genuinely think women will stay with them despite their terrible behaviour. My only advice, take the time you need to be financially organised and then go live happy without him.
Good luck!

I would think he is not as grumpy like this to his work colleagues and if so he can control
himself. This treatment therefore is for the op and in turn her kids.

And even if he was depressed it’s still no excuse or justification for his behaviour within the home. Indeed op go and live potentially happier without him in your day to day life.

This point about grumpiness is spot on. It’s a way of making controlling, destructive and sometimes abusive behaviour sound acceptable and normal- even a bit funny or cute. I think our mother’s generation used it a lot to minimise they own situations because they couldn’t get out of it. Sounds like you can.

you sound like you’re a very mature, capable woman with a bit of money behind you. You know what you need to do.

generally, by the time a woman leaves a marriage, she is so far down the road, the relationship is dead - too much resentment and disappointment to back up. It’s only then that the man comes to the table, reflects on his behaviour and suddenly wants to make it work.

because men like this don’t care if you’re unhappy, they just care when you won’t put up with it any more. I fell for it the first time, and wasted several more years throwing good after bad. Then we did the whole thing again and when I realised he simply didn’t care enough to manage his behaviour and told him I was out, he came back with ‘I’ve been such a fool, I’m willing to start trying’ - no thank you, I’ve been here before.

being a single mum can be hard at times but mostly it’s completely brilliant. Going to airports knowing you can all be excited about a holiday instead of feeling tense about how he’ll respond to having to stand in a queue still gives me such joy, nearly a decade later.

also, it was a bit bumpy at first for the kids, but now he’s a better dad. Without me there to placate and manage his moods, he soon realised the kids wouldn’t want to go to his place if he couldn’t make an effort and keep his shit together.

i wish you all good things. Good luck.

My dad was like this, then my partner. I used to dread going anywhere in the car with him, or on holiday. When he was drunk he verged on abusive.
We split up earlier this year (technically he left, we had agreed to live separate lives, and I think he thought I would beg him to come back, I didn’t.)
I am just back from holiday with my kids and and they all said how relaxing it was without him. He ruined all events by grumping his way through them. Run!