Partner is extremely grumpy ALL THE TIME. Cut and run time?

[leavepartner]

Been with partner a number of years. Two young school age kids. Mortgage in my name only. He works. I am a SAHM after having the kids. I earned more than him previously.

He has always been grumpy but these days he seems to be constantly grumpy. Any minor thing sets him off and he is just unbearable to be around.

I feel as if I am walking on eggshells all the time and he shouts and swears at the kids for any minor inconvenience.

All childcare is down to me. Even when he has days off from work. Manual work different shifts. He hasn’t put our youngest to bed without me being in the house and they are nearly 4.

Feel as though me and the kids would be so much better off without him. Mortgage is thankfully minimal and youngest will start school in September so getting a job won’t be a problem.

Very unhappy. What would you do?

Wow what an incredibly bleak outlook

Shouting and swearing at tiny children isn’t ‘grumpy’ it’s abusive. Even if he is depressed @BallerinaRadioOP has a responsibility to protect her children from him.

Are the children his? If yes then he will have them on his own at his own place and with whoever adult he likes around. Are you ok with not seeing your children and leaving them in his care some days or weekends?
It would be better if he could get his mental health or irritability under control, whether you stay together or not so I would ask him to get help or make changes to improve his moods.

Oh no I agree about the treatment of kids but surely you look into why he's like this rather just saying yeah he's grumpy let's throw everything away.

Assuming you are not married I would be asking him to leave as soon as possible.
If he is shouting and swearing at young children or at you in the presence of young children he is verbally abusive and that can be ground for reducing contact or supervised contact.
speak to women’s aid/a solicitor, and get some advice. If I felt he was going to be shouting and swearing at my kids he wouldn’t be getting any u supervised contact.

Swearing at the children is disgusting, For this reason at the very least, you should leave. Children need to feel safe in their own home.

You should definitely leave but can you afford to? If he has been the one paying the mortgage during the years you have been a sahm then he will probably have some claim to the house even if you are the sole owner (are you) and the mortgage is in your name. It won't be that hard for him to prove that he has been paying for it and he will be able to make a claim for that money back from you. I know you said you have some money put aside, but surely that will disappear quite quickly if you have to buy him out and you don't have any additional money coming in.

@cheeseandbranston True and sad. They only seem to start really trying when something might be taken away from them, which is different from caring about someone else in an altruistic way.

Also, no one should have to 'try' to be a loving or respectful to their partner, or try to just be a decent or normal person. It should be a bloody given. That's when you know it's fucked up.

It sounds like separating will be relatively easy if you are not married and he has no legal claims to the house?

I disagree.
coming from a home with a mother like this if my parents had divorced I’d at least have been happy 50% of the time, rather than having a miserable childhood 100% of the time ……

Totally miserable for you and your DC. You’d be happier and calmer without him in your home.

would you though? I think it's more likely that a child miserable half the week will spend the second half of the week recovering and cursing their luck of having to move between 2 homes. When a child needs comfort or protection and the mother is in the same home, he can run off to her and find her in seconds. When he is at dad's he has to wait hours or days to see his mum and speak to her in private.
If the dad is abusive he shouldn't have alone access or overnight. If the dad is rude or irritable he should seek help and improve, the threshold to withhold unsupervised visits is very high, there is a lot of low level toxic behaviour by parents, the mum will be relieved without the dad but the children get to face it alone every week with no other adult to shield them.

I would leave OP but before you do get legal advice. I wonder if it is best for you to be a SAHM while you divorce and go back to work afterwards? I think you need specialist legal advice but I would definitely make plans to go.

This one is a real case by case basis. My grumpy and volatile ex sorted himself out after I left.

He was awful for a bit and I was able to say ‘if you don’t get a handle on yourself the children won’t want to go your house.’ This made him step up in a way he categorically refused to for the whole of our marriage.

He’s a pretty decent dad now, and they move between two pretty happy houses. Had I stayed, they would be living in one house that was totally ruled by his moods and anxiety.