New BF sending phone to girl in Italy who says she’s being abused

[GrinchWithAConscience]

My boyfriend and I have been friends for years but only recently started dating. He is autistic and a real penny pincher. He even decided not to buy me something recently because of the cost. Now he’s sending his old phone internationally to a girl in Italy who said she’s being abused and might have her phone taken away. He told me he’s been speaking to her online for a few years and that she’s a good friend. He’s assured me he’s not emotionally involved with her romantically, but he only mentioned this phone thing when I asked and didn’t explain much.

He said sending the phone will be expensive, and while I don’t think it’s that costly, I know to him it’s a big deal. I’m worried because it was his own phone and there could be personal info on it that might cause problems. I also think he might be too trusting and I probably would have blocked the person by now. I don’t want to stop him helping someone, but something feels off and I don’t trust it anymore.

I find it hard to believe there’s no one else in her life who could help her, and I feel like something suspicious might be going on. He always says I can talk to him about anything but I’m scared to bring this up because I think he’ll get defensive. I feel a bit wrong going behind his back by asking here, but I’m not sure what else to do. Has anyone else been in a similar situation or have advice?

What's the point in him sending her a phone, surely it's also at risk of being taken. I'd be suspicious of him being open to blackmail. If she is being abused he needs to tell her to ring the police and whatever help lines they have. How does he even know she's in Italy, sounds like a big scam to me.

This sounds like a scam.

If she's being abused then why doesn't he call the police for her? He knows her address.

Of course it's a scam.

Not really sure why you'd stay with someone who is a penny pincher either. I mean it's gotta be pretty much the biggest nono surely. Besides abuse. How are you supposed to enjoy life with a miser?

I would consider if you want to be partnered in life by someone who does this kind of thing and then gets upset when you try to communicate with him about it.

Life is going to be very difficult if you choose him.

This.

This. Absolutely this.

people don’t change, it’s not reasonable to think that they will change or be different once you get to know each other. Think carefully how your life would be

He’s sounds very immature. You shouldn’t be walking on eggshells to raise a very valid concern. Only a very naive person would get drawn into something like this. Maybe he is having doubts secretly but his need to be a white knight to this stranger in a foreign country is trumping any concerns. He’s being extremely foolish.

Pretty sure it's a scam. Probably hoping he has left banking/money apps on it. He sounds very naive, and being mean with money is a total turn off imo.

He may have been good as a friend but hes a rubbish example of a bf and you can do so much better for yourself. Clearly you do not know him as well as you think you did and now you are seeing the real him. Also mean with money equals mean with love. Why put yourself through all this?.

And why on earth is he sending a phone to some female in Italy?. That has got scam written all over it.

Italian postal system is so bad for theft he probably wouldn’t even get there.

I agree with pp that this surely must be a scam.
And honestly if you can't even have an open discussion about this then your relationship is dead in the water.

I'm in Italy. Since Brexit I have to pay random amounts of customs fees on any parcels from the UK. It would be cheaper to get a phone here. Not that it matters because it's a scam.

I really like him, we get on well and I don’t want to leave him. He doesn’t have much money to be honest and I would say he is very careful and does not waste it but even so.

I don’t want to accuse him or make him feel bad. I know how hard it would be for him to accept that an online friend he has been speaking to for years might be scamming him. I haven’t really said anything yet because I’m afraid I’ll come across as jealous or controlling. I am also terrified that this is only the beginning of a scam and there will be more to come. He is already liable for a relatives debt as it went to next of kin he can’t afford to be scammed and I don’t want him to get into a worse financial situation. I’d really appreciate any tips on handling this and speaking to him about or or should I just let him get scammed and learn for himself

Im autistic and this sounds like something I might have done when younger. Its a definite trait to appear penny pinching in some ways and weirdly generous in others - not seeing the point in buying new clothes when existing ones are functional, or too comforting /familiar to replace, or to much of an ordeal to try and adjust to something new (I will wear shoes through until they have holes in them as I hate changing them)
But feeling the need to provide when there's a sense of injustice - like thinking a person is being abused - the cost would barely register.

Many people with autism have black and white views about the 'right thing to do' and it can be very hard to accept that not everyone else does the right thing. Or that we've missed something because we're being straightforward and the other person is playing games. I would think the best way to approach it is with logic, and asking him about it in a way that helps him come to his own conclusion - e.g broaching with him about the cost of buying a phone Vs paying customs, or asking if he's thought about this being a test and what he would do if another request came through (in the way scammers generally up the ante)

There can be a strong sense of shame when realise you didn't understand the nuances of a situation when you thought you did, so please bear that in mind. To me it makes me feel very childlike and frustrated that I 'haven't learned' - because being autistic means that it's really really hard to make any progress in certain areas (social skills and nuance). When otherwise I'm intelligent and there's a real sense of 'i should know better'.

You don't inherit your relatives debts, so that is another sign that he has no clue about money and will be giving his away or being scammed constantly. He might be a good friend but is he a great boyfriend?

How can he be responsible for a relatives debt. Was he a guarantor. Have you seen proof, what debt is it for.

He wants to sleep with her, trust me. If he's normally tight but doesn't mind spending money on this girl, the only reason is he wants to get his end away. Sorry.

You might not want to do it, but if you were my DD I'd be telling you to run for the hills. No way is any of this going to turn out well.

The debt went to next of kin? Are you sure?

He told me that his dad was essentially a shopaholic living above his means and can no longer pay and the debt transferred to him? I just believed him as he researches things a lot, but now that I think about it I’m not sure if that is true and will have to talk to him about it again in the next few days.

He goes above and beyond to send a phone to a friend but he probably wouldn’t do the same for you or even buy you a small gift. That says how important you are to him.
it’s sounds like a desperate attempt to impress her than helping.

"I really like him" is a highschool reason to stay with an inappropriate boyfriend. Are you in highschool?

You don't trust him, you can't communicate with him for fear of him kicking off or getting defensive, you can't rely on him to not make foolish decisions that could put your personal data or finances at risk, you can't discuss any of these concerns with him. All of these are valid reasons to reconsider this relationship, even if you really really like him.

This seems very unlikely

Does he have a joint account with hid dad, has his dad put him down on the billing details.