Do my children even love me?

[hadenough2025]

Just that really,

Single mum to 4 kids, ages 15,12, nearly 10 and 2, eldest has AFHD and suspected ADS, had a rough evening last night with my nearly 10 year old he swore at his brothers because they constantly pick on him he said it out of frustration but I told him no more screen time because of it, he then proceeded to whine the others up and then all hell broke loose, my eldest son put another hole in his bedroom door, my nearly 10 year old trashed his room and was telling me to go die and hopefully I die in my sleep, my eldest 3 are so disrespectful, rude and nasty to me. They don’t do anything they are told and my eldest has rubbed off on them, I just cannot be bothered to do this anymore. I didn’t want to be a single parent, I didn’t have them to do it alone and then not appreciated or respected. With my eldest no consequences work he literally doesn’t give a shit, was really poorly last week he wouldn’t even help out round the home, none of them do. Christmas is coming up and I don’t even want to buy them anything because what’s the point? All gets thrown back in my face. They shout at me, give me abuse and say nasty things. I don’t get a break from my eldest as he don’t go to school he is home tutored so I’m round him 24/7. I try to put rules and boundaries in place but then it just gets laughed at and they end up ganging up and triple rebelling, I literally have no idea what to do? Please no negative comments or snotty remarks, I genuinely feel like the worst mum ever and I’m doing the worlds shittiest job at bringing them up on my own. ☹️😔😢

Where's their father in all this?

Boys father married me and then cheated on me six months later, he then moved over 3 hours away to be with her and have another child. I ask for his help but he don’t help as he’s too far and when I say about the behaviour he doesn’t give a shit to be honest.

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Firstly Id go round with a box & collect all their electronics up (if you cant do that take the power cords & the chargers) and stick it in the loft. Then I would tell them they can earn the fuckers back.
Take back control. If your soft with them, even just a one off they learn your weakness. Boys are like raising dinosaurs I swear to god. I did this with mine, took them 3 weeks to earn it back but now they do as they’re told.
My Eldest has autism, adhd & a LD too. Was a lot of kicking off & tears, but it was worth it.

Firstly, yes they do love you. Secondly you are doing it tough and your kids are trying their worst behaviour on, but this too shall pass. There are times for all parents when it all goes pear shaped. Those are the times when your best tactic is to stay calm and be reassured that you are not alone when it inevitably goes pear shaped from time to time.

I don’t agree with removing iPads and chargers. Rather than start world war three, I would encourage them back to the usual routine and take a moment to speak one to one with each, and then have a family meeting with them and calmly discuss.

I wouldn't do this. It will make things worse for op.

I do agree you certainly are right to seek respect and if you are able to remove all electronics and maintain calm for however long it takes that could work. If the eldest is putting holes in his door and then rudely speaking to you, his behaviour is now being replicated by the others. Why is he not able to go to school?

Yes, they do love you.

but not in the same way that partner might of that your own mum might.

your own children don’t look after you. It’s your own job (and it’s a hard job) to look after you.

if you are resentful of everything you do for them look at what you do and see if you can reduce it.

wg if you resent cooking complicated meals cook simple ones.

eg if you resent doing laundry start to teach (at least the older ones) to do their own.

etc etc.

Your 9 year old needs his brothers who were teasing him to say sorry.

One of the things that helped my husband growing up in a family with a bastard of a dad and an older brother with ADHD was that his mum always made time to sit down and have a chat and afternoon snack after school , and gave him responsibility and sent him shopping for the family, and to do outdoor jobs. Despite the circumstances, he grew up capable and respectful.

I would absolutely be pulling back on what I do for them. They need you to stop being a pushover and parent them.

15 year old and 12 year old are old enough to do their own washing, they're all old enough to clean their own rooms. If one of them throws a fit and trashes it? Well it's staying like that until he cleans it himself.

I used to call O2 and suspend my eldest mobile data for a day or two when he was punching holes in walls.

Took wifi box out in car with me.

Had to stand firm and do this 4 times before he learned there was consequences to his actions.

Oldest of your 4 kids needs tackled, and other 3 will likely copy and fall in line. They are ganging up on you because you have taught them that they get away with such behaviour.
So hard for you, but if you can get control of eldest one and have them do own laundry and some hoovering etc for pocket money, then house can become calmer.

Get kids out house with you to a park worth a try. And supermarket give each kid a paper list with handful of items they have to find for your trolley. Again, not easy, but 99% of folk in a public place will be sympathetic towards you when kids kick off in public as they've all been there themselves.

If I took the electronics my eldest would smash the house up, he would prob end up hitting me too as he’s attacked me before and he would also take it out on his siblings, I have given them chores before they never do them, I also have so much to do everyday I forget things and they play on that, the two older boys pick on the younger boy and that’s why he goes mad (no not acceptable) but his way of dealing with his frustration, my eldest son is a big lad and I can’t even get him off his siblings when he hits them. My eldest son doesn’t go to school because he didn’t cope on a mainstream school, he asked to be home tutored and got it but STILL isn’t doing the work and getting up to get ready, I’ve cancelled phone contracts, I’ve cancelled subscriptions and I’ve also stopped buying nice treats with shopping, this year for Xmas they are getting 5 items each because I am not buying nice expensive things for them anymore. Birthdays are also the same because I’ve had enough of the disrespect and the lack of appreciation, my son trashed his room yesterday and I made him clean it and he did, I’ve had family meetings and chats with them all and they just piss about don’t listen and laugh about it, my eldest son keeps saying when he’s 16 he’s moving out (which I couldn’t care less about at this moment in time if honest) I’ve refused to decorate bedrooms because they don’t look after things and trash them so their bedrooms look bare and basic as such. I’ve contacted SS, the police and CAHMS for my eldest to have a talk with him and to help me but I don’t get it. It’s getting to the point that if my son hits me again I will loose my temper and I don’t want to go down that route because I’m the one who will get done for abuse. I can’t decorate my home properly or buy new things because they just have zero respect for anything, I honestly don’t know where I’ve gone wrong but clearly I have and it’s extremely depressing. I just feel like sending them to their dads and being done with it because why should I have to deal with this constantly? I didn’t expect to have them and then have to bring them up and provide for them alone? I’m just super exhausted and mentally drained and have literally had enough of the constant shit day in day out.

I wouldnt remove electronics as a lone woman in a house full of adolescent ND teenage boys with anger issues.

I think you should pull back from most demands or requests on the eldest. Concentrate on the ones that are being reasonable.
Reduce demands for everyone.
I dont understand why you took away screen time for your youngest? Is he not allowed to stand up for himself? Was it just because of the swear words?

What are your main house rules

I’d drop the eldest off at his dads doorstep and leave

the 3 hour drive would be worth it - and it might wake the younger ones up that that sort of shit doesn’t fly in your house. (You realise If they see the 15 year old get away with being violent to you then they’ll think it’s acceptable?)

I completely understand the removing electronics escalating things and not helping, this is something that often gets touted out as a solution but it sounds like things have gone to far for that.

Have you tried registering with https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/. They have a facebook peer group for members only and seminars you can attend to understand your children more and how you can take back control. Lost of people with kids who have complex diagnosis.

Because he swore and told him to fuck off

Yes I do realise and that’s what I want to stop because I don’t want them all attacking me if they get told no. Just feel completely defeated.

This. Tell your ex it is his turn to parent his son and that you will be over with his stuff at the weekend. Oh and he needs to be homeschooled. Your ex needs to take some responsibility for his children.

Why get them 5 items each for Xmas? They trash your house, beat each other and even hit you. They don’t get a Christmas imo. That’s what happens when you act like brats all year round.

Id also send eldest to his dads. He’s too big and he abuses you so he can go to the parent who is perhaps more physically able to control him.

Yes this.

Definitely I would change your approach with them. They have taken charge of your home and you need to get back in change.

I think with ASD routine, predictability and clarity and them feeling like someone is in control are game changers.

A very tight predictable schedule, really clear explicit expectations and directions, giving them purpose and certainty and it will change.

Your whole approach makes you sound like you are a victim in this. They will pick up on this and see it as weakness, they need you to lead them not mollycoddle them and not come across as powerless to them.

I think you need to write this whole situation into chat GPT and come up with a plan. Allow for significant teething problems but where possible stick to it.

There can be no doubt that many ASD personality traits are difficult for NTs to work with and vice versa but you can change this dynamic and the impact it is having on your home life.

BTW I think your boys love you but they don’t respect you. That needs to change.

Lack of present father(s) comes to mind. There is a thread today about poor life outcomes for working-class lads due to relationships falling apart and lack of present fathers. Good read.
Tbh, I don't think OP can do anything here. It's just too little too late.

This OP.
You have literally nothing to lose here.

So what’s stopping you leaving him on his dads doorstep?

You’ve already lost control and there is no way I can see you improving things without a short sharp shock