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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do my children even love me?

37 replies

hadenough2025 · 21/10/2025 09:41

Just that really,

Single mum to 4 kids, ages 15,12, nearly 10 and 2, eldest has AFHD and suspected ADS, had a rough evening last night with my nearly 10 year old he swore at his brothers because they constantly pick on him he said it out of frustration but I told him no more screen time because of it, he then proceeded to whine the others up and then all hell broke loose, my eldest son put another hole in his bedroom door, my nearly 10 year old trashed his room and was telling me to go die and hopefully I die in my sleep, my eldest 3 are so disrespectful, rude and nasty to me. They don’t do anything they are told and my eldest has rubbed off on them, I just cannot be bothered to do this anymore. I didn’t want to be a single parent, I didn’t have them to do it alone and then not appreciated or respected. With my eldest no consequences work he literally doesn’t give a shit, was really poorly last week he wouldn’t even help out round the home, none of them do. Christmas is coming up and I don’t even want to buy them anything because what’s the point? All gets thrown back in my face. They shout at me, give me abuse and say nasty things. I don’t get a break from my eldest as he don’t go to school he is home tutored so I’m round him 24/7. I try to put rules and boundaries in place but then it just gets laughed at and they end up ganging up and triple rebelling, I literally have no idea what to do? Please no negative comments or snotty remarks, I genuinely feel like the worst mum ever and I’m doing the worlds shittiest job at bringing them up on my own. ☹️😔😢

OP posts:

aCatCalledFawkes · 21/10/2025 13:56

autumnevenings25 · 21/10/2025 13:49

So what’s stopping you leaving him on his dads doorstep?

You’ve already lost control and there is no way I can see you improving things without a short sharp shock

Dad brings child straight back making him feel even more shit and even angrier because its not dealing with the issue.

Original poster

hadenough2025 · 21/10/2025 15:48

It’s pointless taking him to his dad’s, he won’t have him he will be brought back. His tutor has said today that he’s not even doing entry level for math and English and he’s just not co operating with doing work just point blank refuses and then gets angry. I’m so worried about his future but have no idea what else to do. I’ve thought about a section 20 just to save his siblings from all the crap over the last 5 years but then I feel guilty even thinking that but he’s not achieving anything here with me I cannot control him and he literally doesn’t do anything I say.

OP posts:

Seaoftroubles · 21/10/2025 15:49

The oldest boy needs to go to his father. Can you speak to your ex and ask him to take responsibility for his son as you are are the end of your tether and fear getting physically hurt. If that's not possible do you have anyone in your family who can step up and help you?

midsummabreak · 23/10/2025 13:07

How are you doing- I hope things have settled down a little. Perhaps your eldest can focus on what positions to apply for part time work? With going to his dads- Even if he will be brought back from his dads you all need a break. - and also- you could d the same and take him back too. Do you think that when he’s at his dad’s he may think twice before lashing out inappropriately.

Maray1967 · 23/10/2025 14:08

midsummabreak · 21/10/2025 11:17

I don’t agree with removing iPads and chargers. Rather than start world war three, I would encourage them back to the usual routine and take a moment to speak one to one with each, and then have a family meeting with them and calmly discuss.

I can see why this approach might be needed with DC with SEND, but with boys (mine are 25 and 17) in my experience you need to get tough and hold the line. Having a chat about feelings with my two would have had absolutely no impact whatsoever. What worked were consequences.

OP, are you the only adult in the house? If so, you need urgent help as your 15 year old sounds violent. I think he needs to be away from the house for a while while you get the younger two sorted out. With them I would definitely be removing all tech.

UpDownAllAround1 · 23/10/2025 14:28

drop eldest off at father of the years house. tell them Christmas is cancelled.

ClosetBasketCase · 23/10/2025 14:34

I'd honestly be dropping the older 2 off at their dad.
He has responsabilities too.
Also means that the older 2 cant ruin their younger sibilings.

MyNavyPlayer · 23/10/2025 14:48

Not sure where you’re based Op but most councils will have a webpage addressing local support options for those suffering from child-on-parent abuse. Also a lot of councils directly recommend this service for support - https://capafirstresponse.org

Capa First Response | Together for safer families - Capa First Response

We want every family to feel safe and no child to feel they have to use aggression and/or harmful behaviours towards a parent or caregiver to communicate

https://capafirstresponse.org

SapatSea · 23/10/2025 15:01

Children always love and want to be loved by their parents. It is so tough being a single parent, you sound like you are running on empty. Not only are you having to cope alone but also with the fallout of their father leaving. Your son sounds very frustrated and angry with life ( an dlikely the abandonment by his father), he shouldn't take it out on you but you are the "safe" parent/person.
You might find this approach could help https://livesinthebalance.org/ or read Dr Greene's original book
https://drrossgreene.com/the-explosive-child.htm

As others have said, simplify your life. Y ou need to descalate the tension in your household.E.g. Simple dinners,paper plates if washing up is a flash point and son on. If your son's would prefer Spag Bol and console gaming at Xmas - let them. Tell them they have a £20 ( or whatever) budget for Xmas and let them work with that and make a list of what they have chosen. Stand firm - buying them expensive stuff will cut no ice with them. Tell them everyday you love them, choose your battles -as Dr Greene says "don't sweat the small stuff." If you do impose a routine then stick with it - don't chop and change after a few weeks if it seems like something isn't working. It could take months but just plod on. Patience and calm, count to ten, use a low voice and tell your sons "don't speak to me like that" and remove yourself. They will get the message if you persist, do not rise to the bait. It is very tough to do but do it. Have msall chats, asking open ended questions about your sons lives and their hopes and plans so they know you are focussed on them and interested and curious about them - you SEE them. Praise all the good little things they might do, to reinforce good behaviour.

Take time for yourself - when the tutor is at yours, can you get a sit down and relax? Could you go to a class or do some Youtube midfulness. Stop expecting your children to be "normal" ( if there is such a thing)they are different
so are unlikely to go the traditional routes in life you would wish for them or expect. You need to reduce the tension and anger in the home and calm everything down.

You sound like such a loving mother who is juct at the end of her tether.

LIVES IN THE BALANCE

https://livesinthebalance.org

JaneEyre40 · 23/10/2025 15:10

hadenough2025 · 21/10/2025 11:52

If I took the electronics my eldest would smash the house up, he would prob end up hitting me too as he’s attacked me before and he would also take it out on his siblings, I have given them chores before they never do them, I also have so much to do everyday I forget things and they play on that, the two older boys pick on the younger boy and that’s why he goes mad (no not acceptable) but his way of dealing with his frustration, my eldest son is a big lad and I can’t even get him off his siblings when he hits them. My eldest son doesn’t go to school because he didn’t cope on a mainstream school, he asked to be home tutored and got it but STILL isn’t doing the work and getting up to get ready, I’ve cancelled phone contracts, I’ve cancelled subscriptions and I’ve also stopped buying nice treats with shopping, this year for Xmas they are getting 5 items each because I am not buying nice expensive things for them anymore. Birthdays are also the same because I’ve had enough of the disrespect and the lack of appreciation, my son trashed his room yesterday and I made him clean it and he did, I’ve had family meetings and chats with them all and they just piss about don’t listen and laugh about it, my eldest son keeps saying when he’s 16 he’s moving out (which I couldn’t care less about at this moment in time if honest) I’ve refused to decorate bedrooms because they don’t look after things and trash them so their bedrooms look bare and basic as such. I’ve contacted SS, the police and CAHMS for my eldest to have a talk with him and to help me but I don’t get it. It’s getting to the point that if my son hits me again I will loose my temper and I don’t want to go down that route because I’m the one who will get done for abuse. I can’t decorate my home properly or buy new things because they just have zero respect for anything, I honestly don’t know where I’ve gone wrong but clearly I have and it’s extremely depressing. I just feel like sending them to their dads and being done with it because why should I have to deal with this constantly? I didn’t expect to have them and then have to bring them up and provide for them alone? I’m just super exhausted and mentally drained and have literally had enough of the constant shit day in day out.

It seems like your eldest has picked up on the fact that you don't care and he is lashing out so he's doesn't get hurt. I know he's 15 but stop looking at him like a 'big lad', he's a child, a child that is crying out for love and attention but has no way of letting you know.

5 gifts for Christmas? Each? That's a lot. I actually think you should work on the younger ones, love and affection, try it.

Rusalina · 23/10/2025 17:13

I have no helpful advice but just wanted to express how infuriating it is that men (and it really is usually men) like OP’s ex can just fuck off and move on with their lives. I hope he gets what he deserves, and his new partner - I have zero time or sympathy for a woman who enables her partner to be a dogshit father to his first family.

LionelMessy · 28/04/2026 00:04

Interested to know how this saga played out

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