Really confused in my marriage

[TheLoyalMintGuide]

I was wondering if I can have some advice. I’ve been married to dh for over ten years. We have two lovely children. I have a job I enjoy at the same company as dh - not ideal but it was the only job in my field that came up when we moved for dh’s job.

I am really confused about my relationship with dh. I really care about him, I think he can be so kind and patient, and funny. He’s intelligent and perceptive, and genuine. He does, i think, suffer from depression. He gets so down - normally about work- and talks to me about it a lot. I feel he is destroying my chance of enjoying my job because of his sadness and how much he moans about work. I am generally quite a positive person though quite sensitive probably. I want to enjoy my life. He can be really grumpy and snappy. In fact i think he probably gets annoyed with me over something trivial at least once a day. I find I am often nervous around him. At work I see his best side, but sometimes at home he can be really hard work.

other times he can be lovely and good fun and I feel maybe I am overreacting. He has on occasion really shouted at me which I hate - the loud noise sort of hurts my ears, and I kind of back off. If he’s in a bad mood even the smallest minor bicker can suddenly escalate, like this morning when he got a bit grumpy about something, I got a bit grumpy back and he basically stormed out of the house to go to work. I asked him if he was ok but he just walked off. I tried to ring him and said that I was upset but he said ‘well I’m upset too and I don’t have time for this right now’ and was really angry. I listened the other day to a podcast about the ‘let them’ theory so for once I didn’t argue back. I just said ‘ok then, see you later’. He hung up. I’m
now sick wirh nerves about what he’s going to be like when he comes back from work. I’m working from home today and I don’t know how I can concentrate.

I know this makes him sound awful but he’s not, he can be so lovely and kind. I can’t work out how to deal with him. I worry about his mental well-being all the time. I also worry about our children hearing us argue and I often try to keep the peace.

I feel so lonely. None of my friends know and I think they would be shocked if they heard how he speaks sometimes. I’ve hinted at it a few times to my mum but she’s unwell at the moment and don’t want to burden her. Sometimes if I am really honest I fantasise about being seperate and living on my own, though I know the fantasy could never live up to reality. I look at houses on Rightmove and daydream sometimes. I have the odd crush on other people which I never act on but again fantasise about being wirh them - one of them is married which is awful and I’d never act on it.

I realise I sound totally deluded. What can I do to make him realise he’s damaging our relationship with this? I’m not perfect I know. I don’t want to get divorced but I want to be happier. It’s so difficult because when he’s nice I find it hard to remember what he’s like when he’s not. Today I did the school drop off after our argument and I felt like I didn’t exist. I sometimes feel that way, I can’t explain it. Any help please.

For me, it was about accountability. He didnt try to.excuse or downplay anything. He didnt try to blame me or any outside factors. He didnt say he would "try", he said he would.

That's why I am always hesitant about telling this story and why I always emphasise that part when I do. The moment a woman tells me h says, 'I can't help it" or "its because you trigger me" or "its notnlike I do it on purpose" or "i had a shitty childhood" or whatever, I KNOW nothing will change.

I think yours is a really useful perspective though @JadziaD. The million dollar question for all of us in this situation is do they mean it when they say they’ll change? How can we trust them?

The absence of the kind of commitment, and full accountability, you saw is the key. Mine had always minimised what happened and the impact on the family - tells me he’s not serious about accepting responsibility.

I think you have to look at BEFORE they even say they will change. Do they 100% own how toxic/bad the behaviur is? Because none of us change anything unless we really believe it needs to be changed. If we think for even one second that we were at least a LITTLE justified in x or y, we can't/won't truly commit to change.

Off the back of this thread, DH and I talked about this last night. His siblings, for whatever reason, have had an adult life that I can only define as "failure to thrive". Both have also suffered with mental health issues. And he said to me that he didn't know why he was lucky enough to have avoided these things. But I don't think he did avoid the predisposition to find himself in similar situations to his siblings, the difference is his ability to take responsibility, to look at behaviours and accept they are wrong and not make any effort ot justify them, and then to change them.

He's also intrinsically not a selfish person. So he's quite able to look at himself and decide if that behaviour is not okay for other people in his life.

Two of his nephews are really struggling at the moment, for very different reasons (and from different siblings). This is what precipitated the conversation. DH is frustrated because in one case in particular, he can see the specific actions that SIL has done that has, if not caused, certainly exacerbated the challenge with his younger nephew and he can't get his head around why she is a) so selfish and unable to prioritise someone else and b) so lacking in awareness of what her child needs.

The first time my DH said he’d change he didn’t. The second time he changed for 5 days.

@JadziaD youve hit it on the head there.
Accountability, self-awareness, consideration of how your words and actions impact others, commitment etc all show change.
Sustaining change, however, is the hard part but absolutely necessary to try to rebuild trust.
Having given anybody a second chance, though, the minute they drop the ball again, there’s no going back.
Words are nothing if not backed up by actions.

Firstly, let’s take a deep breath together.

🩷
secondly, I’m sending you a big hug! You really sound like you need it.

Thing you need to hear:
• He should not be making you feel on edge like this. This is not normal and should not be tolerated
• You don’t need to make excuses for his sick behaviour or try and justify it
• He may have good traits and be good at times but it doesn’t mean that makes the emotional and mental and verbal abuse okay because that is what it is.
• Him consistently not being able to regulate his emotions is NOT your job.
• You are not a toy to be hit with a remark anything he throws them out the pram
• You deserve better than this

I know all of this may seem hard to see and hear but you need to start looking at things for what they really are and listen to your intuition. The making excuses for his behaviour and reasons to stay are not enough. You deserve to be happy and feel safe and not stressed in your own home.

if you’re fantasing about leaving and looking at houses I would say your intuition knows this isn’t right.

Dont worry about “letting his family down” LET THEM! Maybe if there son acted like a decent man you’d stay but he doesn’t! This is NOT your fault!

I would say if you want to make this work you need couples counselling immediately. I would sit him down tonight and say look I cannot live like this anymore the fights, the bickering, we need to get couples counselling together or we will need to seperate. For the sake of your children that would be better thing to do than stay in this. They will see there parents fighting and the way he treats you. You are teaching them it’s okay to put up with band behaviour from a man or that it’s normal to do. That will not be healthy for them in the long run.

I personally think you should look at leaving him. He’s an abuser. Abuse comes in many forms and from what you have said this is a controlling behaviour! He’s manipulating you, drip feeding you, gas lighting you. And you are stuck in a cycle of trying to reason with his behaviour by backing it up with excuses.

everytime you go to excuse his behaviour with “but he’s a good person” or “he’s not that bad” STOP YOURSELF.

Just say it as it is!

Part of control is also making you feel like you can’t talk to others. So I’m proud of you coming on here but I do believe speaking to friends will help a lot.

Do you have anyone close by or a friend you can open up to? Xx