Should I End This

[FlynnD93]

My partner of 42yrs (M) hasn’t spoken to me for 12 weeks. 12 weeks ago he spoke to me terribly over a situation about helping our adult daughter with a flat tyre. I left and stayed at my mother’s overnight. I’d just had enough! The following day he sent a text acting like nothing had happened (hello love and asking had his parcel been delivered) I replied as I’m not at home I wouldn’t know and I don’t appreciate being spoken to like I irritate you! I went home 3 days later. He never responded and hasn’t spoken since. This incident is not isolated but it’s always me that lands up being the bigger person and gives in, but this time I haven’t. He has always been a sulker, it’s not a great relationship by any standards he refuses to go anywhere unless it’s to do with his friends. I’m sure he doesn’t even like me! We own our property outright and I don’t want to leave my home. He has never outrightly shown any feelings, we have never had ‘feeling’ conversations as his actions make him unapproachable, he turns everything into a joke, we have just bumbled along and here we are 42 yrs later. I just want to be happy as I enter my final phase of life and think I should have walked years ago! WWYD

Sit down with him and discussing splitting up.

Easier said than done @RuffledKestrel he’s so unapproachable and unable to have a serious conversation that if I said ‘shall we split up’ he just say whatever and walk away as his ‘pride’ wouldn’t allow him to show any emotion. So much so I've never heard him utter the word sorry.

I couldn't live with this and don't think anyone should put up with this behaviour. I suggest that you get your ducks in a row, make sure that you have a full picture of your financial situation, see a solicitor and prepare to end the marriage.

You will probably have to sell your lovely home, but once you are away from this suffocating situation you can start to live your own life.

Good luck. 😘

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What has kept you there at all?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.
His sulking behaviour is an example of emotional abuse. To all intents and purposes your relationship is over because of the abuse he metes out. What does your daughter think of him?. She probably wonders why on earth you and he are still together.

If he said whatever when you bring up the subject of divorce I would take him at his word and press on with divorce. He's not bothered with you at all and sees you as someone to cook and clean for him. Men like this take a long time, years even to recover from.

What advice are you after? Send him a message if he won’t talk. It’s his home as well so he may want to stay. 42 years of this….

He sounds similar to my husband. The longest time he has sulked and refused to talk or even look in my direction is 8 weeks. He has also never said sorry for anything at all. My adult daughter and I did an online bi polar test and answered it as if we were him. The result was petulant bi polar disorder and it sums him up to a tee! I guess in the end all you an do is weigh up the pros and cons of staying! Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Even if he was diagnosed formally with bipolar rather than via an online test of no real merit (is there such a thing as petulant bi polar disorder?. It is the word petulant that I am taking issue with) this is still no excuse or justification for the emotional abuse aka sulking he metes out to you and in turn your daughter. What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here?. You're showing her that currently at least this is still acceptable to you. How would you feel if she went onto partner up with a person just like dear old dad?.

There are really no pros to staying with someone like this.

I daresay he does not treat his work colleagues and or people in the outside world like he does you and in turn your DD. He is probably all sweetness and light to them so he is just another common or garden abuser. Abusive men always blame others, it's never their fault.

What I would advise any friend in this position is to gather as much information as possible, pensions, house value, any assets and go and see a solicitor to find out the lay of the land.

Then you know what your options are although staying is simply allowing him to treat you like this. Silent treatment is abuse. We teach people how to treat us. You came back, the situation is unchanged.

I would also get you to list the good about the relationship and the bad so you can see it side by side. My Mum's friend did this list, there were 4 things in the pros column and when she needed to turn over the page of the A4 pad when she needed more space for the cons that was her lightbulb moment.

Yes, you will probably have to sell your lovely home but you created one once you can create one again. Look now on Rightmove, daydream what you could be doing, how you could be living. I would also talk to your DD, she knows him too.

Life is too short op.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in a relationship like this?

End it.

I totally agree that an online test has no merit. We really just did it as a bit of a joke after he had stormed off somewhere.
My daughter has a fiance that is the total opposite of her Dad in every way. He is kind, measured, calm and absolutely lovely. She has always pointed out his terrible behaviour and would never put up with any crap herself, she is such a strong person (unlike me).
Yes he is sweetness and light to colleagues, fiends, bar staff etc. Everyone loves him and you are right, nothing is ever his fault.

It sounds like he’s already left you. But yes definitely divorce him.

Yes you’re right, you should have walked away years ago.

You say partner, are you married?

How/in what proportion is the house owned? Do you work, have your own pension (I’m guessing you’re in your 60’s now), can either of you afford to buy the other out?

I think in your position I’d go and see a solicitor so you’ve at least got a starting point of where you’d be financially if you were to split.

It sounds as though this is a pretty straightforward decision @FlynnD93.
I don’t mean it’s easy but I do think there are only two options.
You keep your home but you have to live in it with an emotionally immature, joyless man-baby.
Or you leave him and you have to live somewhere else.
I think you probably posted here because you know you’d like to take the second option but it just feels overwhelming. I understand that. I wouldn’t know where to begin either. But women do it all the time and, if you started a thread called “I want to leave but I’m overwhelmed by the practicalities”, you’d get a lot of useful advice. It’s possible everything would get harder for a while but then you’d be free to live your life without tiptoeing around.
Could you afford to see a solicitor?

You are an adult, you dont need permission to end it. Get on with getting this person out of your life.

To be fair you leaving and sending an inflammatory text started this, he’s probably been questioning the same thing. You are together 42 years but you’re both acting like teenagers, you both need to discuss whether you want to work this out

I lived in a house where my mum
and dad don’t speak for years!! Actual years! It ruined my relationship with my dad as I sided with my mum but then later in life ruined it with my mum as realised they were both responsible for the situation. Organise leaving and start the discussion when you can’t back out.

So what's happening at home during those 12 weeks - Are you sleeping in the same bed , cooking his meals , still both doing your usual chores , watching tv together in the evening , making each other cups of tea , or living completely separate lives ?

That is an epic Worzel Gummidge level sulk.

You are worth so much more.

I think you've been brainwashed, possibly by yourself, into thinking you have no alternative, no option, no future without him.

Start finding out about your rights (get a consultation with a solicitor) and how to separate.

You need legal advice re how to split financially. Could you afford to buy him out? If not, you will have to sell.

Then get your finances sorted out and a plan together for yourself on how to separate, and then divorce him.
If you don't want too/can't speak to him then send him a message with the divorce details.

You don't need to ask for permission to enjoy your life again.

No marriage, 50/50 ownership of home. Separate beds10yrs ago as he goes to bed early and moaned when I went to bed (crept in in the dark and very gently got into bed) he watches TV in another room before all this, so yeh it actually is separate lives. I do my chores and work. Isn’t it funny how when someone puts it in black and white for you to read I’m thinking wtf am I doing!

Sounds like it’s already ended, you just need to do the moving out part.

You were upset enough to leave home and his first message to you was one expecting your service? And three months later, nothing else?
How have you survived this?
What happens when your children call round?
Do you usually do things together- what's happened to those activities or events?

I'm trying to think of what is in this shell of a marriage that you would want to salvage.

See a solicitor and get the paperwork started. You have to go ahead with it even if it means moving to a smaller property. He sounds like no fun at all and he's not going to change.

Thank goodness you are not married, just get the house on the market, split the proceeds and move on with your life. You deserve respect from a partner, not this immature childish huffing. Move on , you need to ginf your anger at being treated with such disdain...