This might be a bit long but I don't want to drip feed, so please bear with me. I have reached a bit of an impasse with DH regarding his mum and I'm stuck on what we can do to get past it.
When we first met she was wonderful. However, once I got pregnant she started to become more domineering and gradually started chipping away at me and criticising me. DH would speak to her after each incident and she would agree not to do it again but then it felt like the behaviour would just show up in a new form and I never knew whether I'd get the nice version of her or the difficult one.
Generally speaking, there is a lot of drama. DH is expected to call her multiple times each day and if he doesn't call, she panics and cries because he might have been in an accident. He finds it difficult that she relies on him so much emotionally. There's also a complicated family dynamic where DH is the golden child and his brother is the black sheep. Ultimately DH feels very responsible for her and worries about her outbursts/reactions if he steps out of line. I feel she is manipulative but he thinks she doesn't realise what she's doing.
There have been a few times where she has blown up and lost her temper with DH, and called him awful names. Two years ago she did this in the run up to Christmas, and he asked me to see if I could calm her down. I calmly and patiently told her that it wasn't okay to speak to him like that and that she knew that the things she was saying weren't true. She accepted it at the time and apologised but ever since then her behaviour towards me has taken a turn for the worse, as if she resents me for standing up to her. Later that week she 'forgot' that she had other plans for that Christmas and refused to come to us as planned a few days later, which made DH really sad and really spoiled the day.
As the year went by her behaviour got worse and worse and it culminated last December in her calling me stupid (in her language, which she thought I wouldn't understand) and, later, physically pushing me, something she'd done previously. At the time she was staying over at our house and I asked DH to take her home and then explained to him what had happened. He (rightly) pointed out that I should have fetched him and explained what happened immediately but spoke to her about it. The result was a torrent of abuse on the phone to him and via WhatsApp to me. In the end I had to block her. She has never apologised (to me) for what she said and she denies that she ever pushed me or said anything horrible to me, although she has said that perhaps she did, but has forgotten.
I would have been happy at this point to go NC but I know how much DH was struggling with everything so we put some boundaries in place which were basically: no more sleepovers at our house; we would see her less often but when we did see her we would go out (rather than having her at our home, for example) and she would only get one last chance.
Since then, things have been mostly okay. There was some drama around her not being invited to celebrate my birthday with us (we didn't celebrate, I had flu) which we only found out about a month later when it was her birthday and she refused to see us, but told BIL the real reason why. But overall the plan of seeing her for quality time outside has worked well. However, recently DH is upset that she isn't able to come and stay for the weekend, for example, and upset that I can't forgive her. He basically wishes that everything could go back to how it was and feels like my attitude is cold and hard. She is in her late 70s and in excellent health but he is worried that she's going to die soon (something she often says) and that their final years of memories will be marred by all of this. However, I still feel so wary of her and every time we see her I'm on edge and anxious. For context, she lives 30 minutes away so not too far, but she would be insulted if we only invited her for e.g. lunch and not to sleep over.
I have suggested she comes and stays overnight for Christmas this year but apparently she has already told him she doesn't want to "cause trouble" by seeing us and so doesn't want to celebrate Christmas at all.
I just don't know what to do next. I feel like we've tried to find a balance that works but it's hard to find a solution that everyone is happy with. Obviously it's DH's house too and he should be able to invite her, but I'm struggling to get past what happened: the fact that she physically laid hands on me and the torrent of awful messages - I cannot imagine ever doing either of those things to someone. There are lots of other things but this is long enough already. FWIW I have suggested they spend regular time alone together in addition to the times we see her as a family but he isn't keen on that idea.
I'd really appreciate any suggestions or ideas of ways to find a compromise here and any other perspectives. AIBU to still say no sleepovers? Should I be able to put it all behind me now, especially given her age? My biggest concern is that I feel like I'm caught between two bad options: I either try to pretend everything is fine, and feel awful, or I hold the boundaries and DH is potentially going to end up resenting me in a few years. He is a great husband and dad and so important to me; I hate that this is coming between us. Thank you for reading if you've made it this far.