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Original poster

Do I leave partner or stay for certain opportunities

59 replies

Kimrsp17 · 20/10/2025 07:26

Do I stay with my partner because of certain opportunities for my daughter or go? I have been with my partner for 6 years and at first, the love was great. I’d feel the butterflies and always want to be around him. My then 7 year old loved him. But as she’s grown up and the longer I’d been with him, the more he started to tell her what to do and it seemed like he was controlling but he would make her eat vegetables and healthy food and he would call her out for everything he thought she did wrong, from simple things such as chewing with her mouth open, and not tidying her room and calling her out for not remembering to have a shower and others I know it seems like he wants the best for her and when I bring it up with him, he tells me he’s only doing it cus he wants her to have the skills and knowledge to have the best life, but she gets upset and comes to me and I don’t want to appear as though I’m not on her side but I can also see he wants the best, I always always feel like I’m stuck in the middle but now my daughter is 13 she tells me she hates him and she’s leaving when she’s 16. I don’t want to lose her but I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like the love is there for me like it first was. I lost my 14 year old son in a car accident this year and I’ve had to surpress crying, I cry alone in the bathroom I feel like I can’t talk to him he always says Ryan would want you to be happy but it’s hard. If I leave him, I gave my own flat so I wouldn’t be worried about my own place, but we go on holiday once a year now. If I leave him, I would have to pay all the bills myself and that means I’d never be able to afford to go on holiday. It sounds shallow but I want my daughter to have memories of going abroad and to be able to travel, u don’t know wether to stay until she’s 16 for the holidays and bury my hurt or just go and explain to my daughter that we can only afford a holiday every two years instead of yearly? It seems trivial when I write it down but when it’s in my head it feels huge. Please help.

OP posts:
LemonJellyLegs · 20/10/2025 07:28

Leave! Your baby girl needs you!!

BoxOfCats · 20/10/2025 07:28

Your daughter will have plenty of opportunities to travel and go on holidays when she’s older. What she really needs is her mum to protect her from this awful controlling man.

YodasHairyButt · 20/10/2025 07:30

If you asked her whether she’d rather leave and get away from a man she hates, or stay and have a few more holidays with a man she hates, which do you think she would choose?

Thewalrusandthecarpenter · 20/10/2025 07:30

The memories your daughter has of a week away will be far, far outweighed by the daily presence of this man in her life.

ButtonMushrooms · 20/10/2025 07:31

Don't stay for this reason OP. The 351 days a year when you're not on holiday are more important.

ThejoyofNC · 20/10/2025 07:35

Surely you're not going to prioritise holidays over your daughter?

EveningSpread · 20/10/2025 07:36

I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. I would avoid making any decision while you’re still in the early stages of grief.

You certainly shouldn’t stay in a relationship for holidays with someone you say your daughter hates.

But how far is that hatred standard teenage rebellion? The things he’s asking her to do sound extremely sensible. So from your post I can’t quite tell if he’s parenting her because he feels responsible, or if he’s unpleasant and controlling.

saveforthat · 20/10/2025 07:38

I suppose it's the way that he does it but those seem like things most parents would nag their children about. What do you think about untidy rooms etc? She is your daughter, surely you have the say on what is/is not acceptable. The biggest red flag for me is not being allowed to grieve for your son. I am so sorry for your loss.

WhatNoRaisins · 20/10/2025 07:39

Playing Devil's advocate are you a bit lax with her? Chewing with your mouth open and not showering regularly are quite gross things that will put other people off her. I'd be concerned for my children if they had habits like this.

MidnightScroller · 20/10/2025 07:44

Have you ever told your partner you’re considering leaving? He does sound awful, but if it comes out of the blue it wouldn’t give him the chance to change - if you’ve tried for years then just go! He has more to lose than you so be kind to him and try to maintain the relationship between him and your DD as that’s crucial for lifelong connection and comfort, but don’t make yourselves miserable if you know he’s not going to change.

MidnightScroller · 20/10/2025 07:46

And I’m so sorry about the loss of your son - even more reason to all be kind to each other and careful about your futures

ThisPithyJoker · 20/10/2025 07:48

I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with PP that it's advised not to make big decisions so soon after a bereavement. In terms of the controlling behavior, is there more to it? If your partner has effectively been a step parent to your daughter for 6 years, none of the things you've mentioned are controlling - they're parenting. She shouldn't be chewing with her mouth open or skipping showers and she should be eating healthy and tidying her room. Has it been discussed whether your partner should be parenting your DD?

Halfordsontheway · 20/10/2025 07:50

Prioritise your child.

aCatCalledFawkes · 20/10/2025 07:56

I'm sorry about the lose of your son.
I don't think the reasons for staying make sense. Your daughter is telling you she doesn't like him and you are saying you want to stay with him so you can both keep going on holiday with him.

LameBorzoi · 20/10/2025 08:00

WhatNoRaisins · 20/10/2025 07:39

Playing Devil's advocate are you a bit lax with her? Chewing with your mouth open and not showering regularly are quite gross things that will put other people off her. I'd be concerned for my children if they had habits like this.

I agree. I wouldn't stay if my child was miserable due to a partner, but it's to be expected that you are all miserable right now.

Asking her to shower and not chew with her mouth open are reasonable requests.

JLou08 · 20/10/2025 08:04

I'm so sorry for your loss 🩷

Is your partner politely prompting DD or shouting and screaming at her? The things he asks seem perfectly reasonable, not controlling. Teenagers do need a lot of guidance and they often dislike their parents for it. I imagine your DD will be really struggling with the loss of a sibling so things may be really heightened for her.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/10/2025 08:05

Discipline should come from birth parent. He’s picking on her about small issues.

DEAROP · 20/10/2025 08:10

Lots of parents start to have a bit of a conflict with their teens. He's been around half of her life and nothing he is suggesting is unreasonable at all. I get that you zre grieving, but leaving your relationship because your daughter doesnt like being told to shower or tidy her room will be bad for everyone.

It sounds like he wants the best for her and her actual parents have massive dropped the ball.

Ncforthis2244 · 20/10/2025 08:11

He sounds like an awful bully. You should have left years ago. Don't wait another day. Your little girl needs you, and if you want to still have a relationship with her as an adult, take steps now!

ThatKindPlumBeaker · 20/10/2025 08:12

I'm sorry for the loss of your son. It's absolutely clear to me that you must end your relationship with your partner and focus on your grief and daughter for a few years.

SandyY2K · 20/10/2025 08:13

Kimrsp17 · 20/10/2025 07:26

Do I stay with my partner because of certain opportunities for my daughter or go? I have been with my partner for 6 years and at first, the love was great. I’d feel the butterflies and always want to be around him. My then 7 year old loved him. But as she’s grown up and the longer I’d been with him, the more he started to tell her what to do and it seemed like he was controlling but he would make her eat vegetables and healthy food and he would call her out for everything he thought she did wrong, from simple things such as chewing with her mouth open, and not tidying her room and calling her out for not remembering to have a shower and others I know it seems like he wants the best for her and when I bring it up with him, he tells me he’s only doing it cus he wants her to have the skills and knowledge to have the best life, but she gets upset and comes to me and I don’t want to appear as though I’m not on her side but I can also see he wants the best, I always always feel like I’m stuck in the middle but now my daughter is 13 she tells me she hates him and she’s leaving when she’s 16. I don’t want to lose her but I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like the love is there for me like it first was. I lost my 14 year old son in a car accident this year and I’ve had to surpress crying, I cry alone in the bathroom I feel like I can’t talk to him he always says Ryan would want you to be happy but it’s hard. If I leave him, I gave my own flat so I wouldn’t be worried about my own place, but we go on holiday once a year now. If I leave him, I would have to pay all the bills myself and that means I’d never be able to afford to go on holiday. It sounds shallow but I want my daughter to have memories of going abroad and to be able to travel, u don’t know wether to stay until she’s 16 for the holidays and bury my hurt or just go and explain to my daughter that we can only afford a holiday every two years instead of yearly? It seems trivial when I write it down but when it’s in my head it feels huge. Please help.

Some of the things he was correcting her on are things you should have corrected her on. Why was he telling her to shower? She should shower, but surely as he mother, you should have been taking care of that.

It sounds like the way he does it, is the issue and he's somewhat controlling.

Now, anyone who cannot understand and sympathise with your grief isn't worth being with. You've just lost your little boy this year and him saying your son world want you to be happy isn't helpful. This is still do fresh and my condolences go out to you.

You don't sound happy with him.
You have a place to live without him
Don't stay with him because of going on holidays.

DwarfPalmetto · 20/10/2025 08:26

I've had to surpress crying, I cry alone in the bathroom. I feel like I can't talk to him he always says Ryan would want you to be happy but it's hard.

That alone is reason enough to leave him. He is telling you how to grieve. How dare he! I am angry on your behalf. You have lost your child, of course you will be sad. This is not the behaviour of a loving partner. He is being controlling of you and of your daughter.

So sorry for your loss Flowers

MagpiesAreBastards · 20/10/2025 08:29

Does she really hate him, or hate that he is providing discipline and a sense of order when you are all grieving? And she is a teenager, an age not known for the liking of being told what to do, as on the face of it, there is nothing wrong with any of the things he is telling her to do. Is he doing it because, understandably, you are not able to at the moment? Teenagers need boundaries to push against, he is providing them.

I think you need to get to the bottom of why she is saying she hates him. If it is as above, you need to step up and provide the discipline. Your decision whether to end the relationship is separate to that.

Cucy · 20/10/2025 08:36

Please don’t act like you’re staying for your DD.

Its you that doesn’t want to miss out on the holidays, not her.

She had told you she isn’t happy.

To be honest, this could have been dealt with years ago.
As soon as he started disciplining her, then you should have said it’s your job and it can be a discussion between you both when she’s not around, to compromise on things.

It sounds as though you met a man that can give you a nice lifestyle and sacrificed your DDs happiness to get it.

I am a single parent and we do not go on many holidays and do not have a luxurious lifestyle but my DD is 100% happy and comfortable in her own home, so much so that she says she never wants to move out.

One thing I will never compromise on is my child feeling safe and happy in their own home.

Burningbud1981 · 20/10/2025 08:43

Ncforthis2244 · 20/10/2025 08:11

He sounds like an awful bully. You should have left years ago. Don't wait another day. Your little girl needs you, and if you want to still have a relationship with her as an adult, take steps now!

Yeah such a bully telling the child to clean her room and have a shower