Do I leave partner or stay for certain opportunities

[Kimrsp17]

Do I stay with my partner because of certain opportunities for my daughter or go? I have been with my partner for 6 years and at first, the love was great. I’d feel the butterflies and always want to be around him. My then 7 year old loved him. But as she’s grown up and the longer I’d been with him, the more he started to tell her what to do and it seemed like he was controlling but he would make her eat vegetables and healthy food and he would call her out for everything he thought she did wrong, from simple things such as chewing with her mouth open, and not tidying her room and calling her out for not remembering to have a shower and others I know it seems like he wants the best for her and when I bring it up with him, he tells me he’s only doing it cus he wants her to have the skills and knowledge to have the best life, but she gets upset and comes to me and I don’t want to appear as though I’m not on her side but I can also see he wants the best, I always always feel like I’m stuck in the middle but now my daughter is 13 she tells me she hates him and she’s leaving when she’s 16. I don’t want to lose her but I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like the love is there for me like it first was. I lost my 14 year old son in a car accident this year and I’ve had to surpress crying, I cry alone in the bathroom I feel like I can’t talk to him he always says Ryan would want you to be happy but it’s hard. If I leave him, I gave my own flat so I wouldn’t be worried about my own place, but we go on holiday once a year now. If I leave him, I would have to pay all the bills myself and that means I’d never be able to afford to go on holiday. It sounds shallow but I want my daughter to have memories of going abroad and to be able to travel, u don’t know wether to stay until she’s 16 for the holidays and bury my hurt or just go and explain to my daughter that we can only afford a holiday every two years instead of yearly? It seems trivial when I write it down but when it’s in my head it feels huge. Please help.

Oh hello step-dad. Does the OP know you're on mumsnet?

Maybe let the child's mum discipline her. It's not your job you controlling twat.

Maybe mum isn’t able to do that possibly because of grief and DP is stepping in. Still don’t see how that makes him a bully or controlling

I’m glad someone else said this.

From what has been shared, she seems to ‘hate’ him for bringing her up with basic manners/hygiene and for correcting typical child behaviour. Nothing screams that he has been abusive etc in any way.

My son also ‘hates’ me when I ask him to shower. Should I just leave him and let him bring himself up?!

I cannot understand why the mum brigade on here is so against men, and particularly step parents. If OP changed this story, and made the person in question herself, not her partner - she would get very different responses.

Bizarre.

You’re response to this is bizarre.

You know the saying ‘it takes a village’. From what has been shared, there is no controlling. He is caring for the daughter as any adult would.
it doesn’t matter what their title is?! If the daughter was about to run into oncoming traffic because she was messing around, should he also stand there and say nothing as her mum should discipline her? Be so for real.

Likewise, if this post said he took no interest, didn’t get involved, never helped out, wouldn’t watch the kids for 5 mins so she could have a shower, or watch them so she could go out and have some ‘me time’, everyone would be in uproar.

I swear you all just hate men - which is fair. They are idiots. But let’s stick to what’s actually been said?!

I am not a step parent btw, I am a 35yo mother of 2 before you start

Nothing he's asked your daughter to do sound unreasonable. Most people would expect their children to be able to wash, have reasonable table manners and have a go at tidying up. Whether you stay or go is up to you but I wouldn't put my future in the hands of a teenager in these circumstances.

he would make her eat vegetables and healthy food and he would call her out for everything he thought she did wrong, from simple things such as chewing with her mouth open, and not tidying her room and calling her out for not remembering to have a shower and others I know it seems like he wants the best for her and when I bring it up with him, he tells me he’s only doing it cus he wants her to have the skills and knowledge to have the best life,

If this is it, he's parenting. Of course she dislikes it. She's grieving her brother and being asked to do basic things she isn't doing and it sounds like she's doing so little with regards to hygiene and cleanliness that he's concerned. He makes her eat vegetables and a healthy diet. Right now, making sure she eats healthy is a parental duty.

Ask him to step back but you will have to do the parenting. I don't think he's abusive for expecting her to meet certain standards of cleanliness and table manners in the home.

You and your daughter both likely need grief counseling. Make that a priority.

Sounds like the mum doesnt parent her though. Thats why she lives like a pig and doesn't even bathe. If she had decent parenting sooner, he wouldnt have to complain about her stench.

That poster will have a child that never showers, tells her to fuck off and lives in a hovel. Probably never at school either due to their "aNxIEtY"

Sounds like he's tried to parent his step daughter.

Surely if he was her biological father you'd not be looking to leave him for telling his daughter to tidy her room?

The whole i hate him and am running away at 16 sounds very teenage angst cliche to me.

I have 4 children actually. We live in a very nice 5 bed in a leafy suburb and I earn 6 figures.

But don't let that dissuade you from hand maidening bullying arseholes.

But he's not her biological father. Which is why it's wrong.

But she's not trying to run into oncoming traffic. She's trying to be happy and relaxed at home, which is a place she should be able to be herself without fear of bullying or control.

But, keep shilling for controlling men. That's all you will ever do sadly.

Travelling and holidays aren't important, feeling safe and loved is xx

How long had you been in a relationship when he moved in. Could you have suggested living separately and waiting until DD was 18 to move in.

No one is bullying or controlling anyone. Let’s do a gender reversal and it’s a step mum asking the same of her step child. I doubt you’d have the same reaction. But I get it you probably hate men

Yikes, so the partner isn’t the father of either child - that makes a big difference. 6 years of parenting doesn’t give him the right to make her feel like shit, especially after she’s lost her brother. What a horrible horrible man - get you both away from him OP asap

What's your house got to do with your parenting skills? Or your job? If you said i have 4 lovely, compassionate, respectful children then I'd say youve refuted my claims. Instead you spoke about what house you bought.

Interesting.

Holidays don't matter when you're so miserable at home that you want to leave as soon as you can. Sounds like they'd be holidays with someone who she hates and makes her feel like crap.

He should not be parenting your daughter.

If she was happy at home, maybe she could stay living with you for a bit longer past 16, get a job and start going on holidays with her friends. She has her whole life to explore the world, but only one childhood.

And you've just lost your son and her brother? That's so incredibly sad, she must be going through so much.

The emotional dimension of home matters so much more than a week or two abroad.

You absolutely have to leave.

Step mums shouldn't do this either. It's up to the parent to parent their child. I think he's massively overstepping and it's harmful.

The parent loves the child so stuff like teaching table manners is balanced by that love and relationship. A step parent who does this is just someone coming into your home who gives you a hard time and makes you feel uncomfortable as a child.

I say this as a step parent myself.

I just don't think it's normal for a daughter of 13 to want to leave at 16 unless something is seriously wrong, this to me is beyond teen mood swings. Even if the step dad isn't a bully, it's important now more than before to show your daughter you choose her and are by her side. The partner could be a family friend later on if your daughter is ok with this but for now move to the other flat and focus on each other. The partner is not helping your relationship with your daughter, holidays are not good enough excuse to stay.

Maybe but I don’t agree with terms such as bullying and controlling it’s not.

She sounds like a right little madam, dictating who you can and can't be with because he tries to get her to take a shower and have basic manners. FFS.

But actually isn’t the worst thing that the OP has to grieve in private, she isn’t allowed to cry because basically he tells her to get on with it by dressing it up as something her son would want

Your daughter would rather sacrifice holidays than have them
and every day of her home life tainted by his presence. Believe her when she says she’ll be gone at the first opportunity she gets if he’s still around.