Household management -are you willing to train a man?

[SofiaJessica4]

Until recently I was in a long distance relationship (US/UK) of just over a year with a kind, intelligent man who also happens to be autistic and a bit lacking in the household arena.

He is a 33 year old software engineer and is former military, and perfectly capable at work. At home, when I visited I noticed he was good at doing the few things his caregivers had taught him like wiping down the kitchen counters and doing the dishes (he did not have a traditional upbringing and there was a lot of neglect).

However, more widely there were big gaps in stuff that wouldn't get done eg he'd clean the bathroom but forget the bottom half of the toilet which looked like it hadn't been cleaned in a month. Or, he would forget dishes were dirty and put them in the cupboards. While I was there he had left an indoor rug on his balcony which subsequently went moldy and had to be thrown out but he 'didn't notice. He used a fan every night that was literally black with dust and probably a health hazard. He didn't realise you need to change your bedding frequently, and only had one bed set.

It made me think he wasn't as functional as I thought... and this was him making an effort for me as he knew a clean place is important for me. Other things he didn't know.... that a guy, especially a big guy, is usually expected to carry suitcases when travelling and it looks weird if a small woman is carrying her and her partners luggage on her own.

I love this man and I do believe if given pointed, direct instruction and 'training' that he would learn. He seems to be willing. I just assume guys are lazy and don't change and what you get now is probably what you'll always get. I'm not sure what the line is between 'people don't change' and 'in some circumstances it's possible'.

It's most likely the end of my love story with him, mostly due to the distance, but I'd really like to hear people's opinions on this 'training' thing as it's such a nightmare to navigate. No one wants to play Mum to a grown man.

I may have skipped to the end but any man who was in the military should be good at doing what is asked of them. Maybe he doesn't respect your authority enough to give as much effort as he would do to something he sees as a female task - sometimes these ideas are entrenched in the male psyche and maybe he needs a bit of a nudge that you are his team, not his mum.

@LeanToWhatToDo thanks that's true and makes sense

You wrote about this issue before on Mumsnet in September. You have not taken on board the previous advice given snd have come back here a month and a half later seeking the same advice .....

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5406602-dealing-with-an-unclean-man

You want permission from us / Mumsnetters to continue dating this man child and that it will all be OK and that the man will improve and is trainable.

This is NOT going to improve.

Autism displays in different ways in different people and you said in your original post in September that you are also neuro divergent so you may feel connected to this man and some kind of neurodiverse kinship.

1. Stop thinking this is the only man for you. You can find men in the UK who are neuro diverse or on your wave length.

1. This man's cleanliness issues are NOT going to improve.

This relationship is going to cost you a lot of money travelling to see him - and drain all your time and energy being his carer / cleaner when you are with him.

I thought I'd read this before.

He was in the military: he knows.

I’m ex-military, my ex-H is military, my current DH is military: basic hygiene is one of the first things drummed into you when you arrive at basic training. Particularly personal hygiene. Recruits are responsible for keeping the barracks clean - including bathrooms, mopping floors, meticulous tidiness, ensuring their laundry (including bedding) is in their laundry bag ready to be dropped off at the base laundry on time. Inspections of their own personal sleeping space and kit are frequent and meticulous - I once had every item I owned thrown out of my locker and had to start all over again because there was a rogue bit of fluff on my towel 🫠😂 We used rulers to ensure our beds were made perfectly straight every morning, and when our sheets came back washed and dry from the laundry, we’d iron them so there was never a crease out of place.
He knows what clean and tidy looks like OP 😕

@RavenFinch you're not wrong. It's part of why we broke up 😭 thank you though I needed to hear the words

I bought my autistic son some "how to clean" for men books. His house is beautifully clean and tidy.

I'm ex military also. He knows.

It's not because he's autistic.

Am I the only one who was skeptical about the ex military part? Anyways, I don't think you should get into a relationship thinking you can train or change them.

I think it's sensible to expect people to stay largely the same, and maybe improve a little when you ask them to. Rather than expecting them to change a lot.

But also, I would expect some level of compromise when two people move in together. Meeting in the middle.

When you talk of the need to "train" the guy and describe exactly how you want things and which mistakes he has made, it looks like you expect to dictate exactly how things will be, not compromise. That may not mean you're wrong, but it suggests this isn't going to work out.

@myopinionis thanks. I think me seeing him forget to do household things scares me as it means I'd need to remember it all. I know with autism being direct and being detailed helped, and I haven't tried that with him before. However, I don't think it's fair to expect a lot of changes in a partner, in my experience. And you're right compromise is important

Er no