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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this normal behaviour and should I have tolerated it? (Friendship/LONG)

48 replies

Alexa808 · 05/06/2008 11:54

I'm living between cities at the moment due to my dh having a job offer in Asia which still hasn't been confirmed and we're really sitting between chairs. On top of that I'm also 5 months pregnant and still have my 2 cats in our London house. My Mum has been sitting the house for 2 months but when we got married she and my Dad flew out to Asia for a week and left the cats behind. Our cleaner comes twice a week and pops in every day to put food out and check on water & cat litter for them but one WE they would have been left to their own devices and so I asked a former colleague who I've grown close to to drop by and check up on them if she could. If she wouldn't have the time I'd arrange for a professional cat sitter to come in for that WE.

She agreed and I was so overjoyed...how stupid of me.

When my parents got back before I did our neighbours said 2 (!) people had been in the house staying over and collecting a parking fine. Our cleaners said there were two bottles of champagne and wine in the bin plus cigarette packs and cig butts. Glasses and a dirty ash tray stood in the sink for them to clean. Someone had slept in the master bedroom and gone through our side drawers.

I asked my friend if it was her and she said yes, she's brought her latest squeeze over, they'd had a few bottles but left later. I asked if she stayed over but she denied it.

After carefully listening to neighbours and cleaners I was livid. My dh and I have shot guns, knives and ammunition in the house, sure, it's locked away, but ornamental daggers, etc. are there, too. Expensive decorations and all our documents, etc. are in the house as well. I'm still livid how she could do this to me and why did she lie?
I don't even know her date apart from seeing him once.

I sent a mail to her because I didn't want to get into a discussion and told her how sad I feel that she's abused the trust I put in r and how disrespectful of her to do this and then lie to me. It's not only my stuff in er, but also DH's and he's fuming. I told her how upset I was and how sad.

She came back all nasty saying what it mattered to me it was only a few bottles of wine and champers and it's not like we didn't have any. (DH collects them and lays them down to mature, it was a vintage champagne and a 94 wine worth over 200 Pound each). And that she aired the house and it was only a few fags but she didn't stay over. And that I've lost a friend for being so arrogant and difficult.

Was I unreasonable to be upset and angry at her behaviour? How would you feel if you were in my situation?

OP posts:
NoBiggy · 05/06/2008 11:57

You've lost a friend.

Well that's tragic.

A friend that drinks your wine and shags in your bed.

Some loss.

RosaLuxembourg · 05/06/2008 11:58

She drank YOUR wine and champagne. And went through your drawers. I hope she doesn't still have the keys. She is a nutter and no loss as a friend IMO. She has treated you with extreme disrespect.

nickytwotimes · 05/06/2008 11:59

I'd be livid too.
YANBU. Sod her!

Uriel · 05/06/2008 12:00

Not normal behaviour.

You are well shot.

littlewoman · 05/06/2008 12:01

Oh, what a horrible situation. Although she's being very defensive, Alexa, if the roles were reversed I'm sure she'd have been annoyed. She has taken a liberty. You asked her for a favour, and then she took the pee as payment, imo. You think she might have cleaned up after herself. Cheek.

NotABanana · 05/06/2008 12:01

I think it doesn't sound like she was much of a friend to start with tbh and she certainly didn't behave like one.

No loss and I would consider asking her to pay for what she stole.

Change the locks.

Alexa808 · 05/06/2008 12:02

Am really upset about this. I really trusted her. She's had the house keys for so long and never did anything like this. Maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones but my head was all over the place yesterday. Especially her nasty email back made me wonder how I could have erred so much in ever asking her for this favour. I looked after her cat before and all was fine. I wish I had had a cat sitter look after them instead of wrecking a friendship whereas Dh thinks it's best we found out early what she's like.

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 05/06/2008 12:04

I would have hired a professional cat sitter, as that would have provided peace of mind whilst so far away.

Your former colleague has turned out to be just that; a colleague, not a friend.

It is always tricky when you ask a favour of someone. Perhaps she thought you wouldn't mind her using your home as her own?

I wouldn't have minded about the wine, tbh, if she was doing me a favour.

In fact I would have arranged for a few goodies to be there for her, as a way of saying thank you.

The smoking and using your bed would have made me very angry - it's very disrespectful of her.

frisbyrat · 05/06/2008 12:06

I agree with your dh. Better to know now. Change the locks too, mmm? Just in case. She sounds like she's out to get what she can.

Alexa808 · 05/06/2008 12:07

I actually bought cigs and her fave perfume at the airport on my way out. Only to hear what's been going on. I said I'd take her out for a nice long lunch...

Thanks for everyone's opinion. Just really questioned my view of the world.

Yes, the bed bit and drawers is what really got me. And the fact she brought her date over and used our house like a pub without cleaning up afterwards.

I guess one learns from experience...

OP posts:
2point4kids · 05/06/2008 12:10

She fed your cat for 2 days, I hardly think she desrves 'payment' of several hundred piounds worth of wine!!
Espcially not if she took them without asking and had a good rummage through your house too.

Thank god you found out now what a crap friend she is and not later on when you might have asked her to babysit or something more serious!

Earlybird · 05/06/2008 12:34

Just curious - how far out of her way did she have to travel to feed your cats? Does she live alone (wondering if she used your home for privacy with her date, as perhaps she lives with others)?

No matter how you answer above questions, think she has acted abominably, btw.

Alexa808 · 05/06/2008 12:40

She has her own apartment with a little garden, less than a 2 mile drive away across the river all to herself.

She was recently off work for a really bad back and on pain killers. It astounds me that she a) could drink alcohol which is a known inflammatory and b) shag her BF given the pain her back was in she said.

It's not like our house is special, it's a very residential area and quite boring, all embassies, not a lot of high life. She actually wrote that the tiny neighbourhood pub along the street was closed so she did what she did.

OP posts:
DirtySexyMummy · 05/06/2008 12:46

Just wanted to add to the thread

Her behaviour was not normal, it was rude and disrespectful and if you have lost her as a friend you are lucky.

Sorry that this happened to you.

NotQuiteCockney · 05/06/2008 12:46

I could understand, and be fine with (maybe) the shagging and the staying over.

But drinking your wine etc without asking, and the lying, and going through your drawers, ugh.

FioFio · 05/06/2008 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kitsmummy · 05/06/2008 13:00

No way, no the shagging and smoking's not fine. In fact nothing's fine except popping in for 10 minutes to feed the cat and then going.

CoffeeCrazedMama · 05/06/2008 13:02

Her behaviour was shocking on all levels. When you do a favour like this for a friend or neighbour you go in, check on and feed the animal/s, pick up any post and put neatly on table, check no-one has broken in, and then YOU GO! (carefully locking the door properly.) When someone gives you their house keys they are placing their trust in you.

To behave in such a way suggests this is a person with no idea of appropriate behaviour. Your dh is right. But a horrid way to find out .

MrsTittleMouse · 05/06/2008 13:07

I agree with kitsmummy - if you agree to look after someone's cat, then you go into the house, feed the cat, perhaps tickle said cat behind the ear and then leave. You do not smoke, steal their wine, shag in their bed or rummage through their possessions. I would be really really angry and I would change the locks as quickly as possible.

wotulookinat · 05/06/2008 13:09

God what a cheeky cow your friend is. I would be livid.She stole the drink from you and has invaded your privacy by going through your drawers. That's not the sort of friend I'd want, to be honest.

Alexa808 · 05/06/2008 13:29

If it would have been my own bachelorette pad back in the days it would have been different.

The main problem is that a lot of what's in the house belongs to DH and he is furious and beyond angry at his stuff being taken and used. He hasn't said anything to me a la: your girlfriend, but he's livid. It took all my soothing to stop him from ringing her. I feel guilty for exposing his belonging to that girl.

OP posts:
warthog · 05/06/2008 13:30

i'd send her a bill for the champagne for starters.

i think it's disgusting behaviour.

MrsTittleMouse · 05/06/2008 13:34

It isn't your fault! It's hers. I wouldn't have sweet-talked DH out of phoning her, I think he (and you) have every right to be angry at someone who you trusted and has betrayed that trust completely. I mean - she stole from you!

warthog · 05/06/2008 13:35

i rented a house from a friend who came round one afternoon to let the gas man in. turns out she thought he was rather fit so they spent the afternoon in my garden drinking all my beer. i don't know what her dp thought of it, but they're not together anymore, and we're not friends anymore.

Alexa808 · 05/06/2008 13:46

I really don't get why they would rifle through our drawers. I've checked but found nothing missing. Still I feel violated as there was lube and DVDs and photos in there.

warthog, what a friend. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

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