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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this normal behaviour and should I have tolerated it? (Friendship/LONG)

48 replies

Alexa808 · 05/06/2008 11:54

I'm living between cities at the moment due to my dh having a job offer in Asia which still hasn't been confirmed and we're really sitting between chairs. On top of that I'm also 5 months pregnant and still have my 2 cats in our London house. My Mum has been sitting the house for 2 months but when we got married she and my Dad flew out to Asia for a week and left the cats behind. Our cleaner comes twice a week and pops in every day to put food out and check on water & cat litter for them but one WE they would have been left to their own devices and so I asked a former colleague who I've grown close to to drop by and check up on them if she could. If she wouldn't have the time I'd arrange for a professional cat sitter to come in for that WE.

She agreed and I was so overjoyed...how stupid of me.

When my parents got back before I did our neighbours said 2 (!) people had been in the house staying over and collecting a parking fine. Our cleaners said there were two bottles of champagne and wine in the bin plus cigarette packs and cig butts. Glasses and a dirty ash tray stood in the sink for them to clean. Someone had slept in the master bedroom and gone through our side drawers.

I asked my friend if it was her and she said yes, she's brought her latest squeeze over, they'd had a few bottles but left later. I asked if she stayed over but she denied it.

After carefully listening to neighbours and cleaners I was livid. My dh and I have shot guns, knives and ammunition in the house, sure, it's locked away, but ornamental daggers, etc. are there, too. Expensive decorations and all our documents, etc. are in the house as well. I'm still livid how she could do this to me and why did she lie?
I don't even know her date apart from seeing him once.

I sent a mail to her because I didn't want to get into a discussion and told her how sad I feel that she's abused the trust I put in r and how disrespectful of her to do this and then lie to me. It's not only my stuff in er, but also DH's and he's fuming. I told her how upset I was and how sad.

She came back all nasty saying what it mattered to me it was only a few bottles of wine and champers and it's not like we didn't have any. (DH collects them and lays them down to mature, it was a vintage champagne and a 94 wine worth over 200 Pound each). And that she aired the house and it was only a few fags but she didn't stay over. And that I've lost a friend for being so arrogant and difficult.

Was I unreasonable to be upset and angry at her behaviour? How would you feel if you were in my situation?

OP posts:
Alexa808 · 05/06/2008 13:49

Mrs. TM, I think you're right. Just really doubted myself after her nasty reply that I genuinely had to ask a poll of Mumsnetters to give me an idea if I'm uptight and arrogant as she claims.

I'm so relieved to see I had a right to say something. I'm thinking of letting DH of his leash to go after her now.

OP posts:
Tortington · 05/06/2008 13:50

shes a huge fanny

lulumama · 05/06/2008 13:52

one thing to have a bottle of something from the fridge, but most people would know that an old bottle of wine from a cellar is not just for drinking willy nilly, ditto champagne

as for shagging in your bed, smoking in your room and going through your drawers, on what mythical planet would that ever be ok!!???

total abuse of trust and she has taken advantage

perhaps she is used to getting away with all sorts of ludicrous behaviour and not sued to being drawn up short, hence her reaction and being defensive

i would not be able to tolerate that person in my life

macdoodle · 05/06/2008 14:25

They drank £400 worth of alcohol FFS that is THEFT pure and simple - the rest is plain rude - I would send her a small claims court request for the money !! You are well rid!!

minouminou · 05/06/2008 15:32

smoking in your place too - i'm assuming you're non-smokers full stop? i mean even when not pregnant....that's dreadful behaviour
you've not lost a friend - a bad person has removed herself from your life...be thankful for that small mercy
i second the idea of the small claims, too

Chequers · 05/06/2008 15:49

Message withdrawn

JessJess3908 · 05/06/2008 16:00

Are you sure you've got the full story out of her?

Once i went away and my lovely neighbour ( respectable mum of 2, previously reliable cat sitter) agreed to cat sit for a week.

When i got back, everything looked fine. I gave neighbour a bottle of duty free rum and thanked her very much. Then I got my phone bill and there was £100 worth of phone calls to Jamaica on there.

I confronted her - she said no way, didn't happen, wasn't her at all must be a problem with BT. I checked with BT then confronted her again - she looked at the numbers closely still said no way. Then she spotted a mobile number further down the list exploded.

Turned out she had given my keys to her teenage daughter to pop upstairs and feed the cats. Teenage daughter had arranged to meet her yardie boyfriend (who mum knew about and had banned her from seeing) at my flat. They stay for five mins, have quick cuddle then leave. On the way downstairs, yardie tells teenage daughter that he has left his phone upstairs. Daughter panics - knows she can't be too long or her mum will suspect something is up. So she GIVES HIM THE KEYS TO MY HOME!!! He sits up there by himself calling up all his mates in Jamaica.

Friendship survived but mother and daughter trust wrecked and step father ends up having a big fight with yardie boyfriend.

In retrospect - I got away lightly with an £100 phone bill!!!

TwoFirTreesToday · 05/06/2008 16:51

Awful, like being burgled

I would change the locks asap and would be more worried about the latest squeeze, was it him rummaging etc.

Hope they didnt use your lube!

Alexa808 · 05/06/2008 18:00

OMG, Jess, don't get me more worried. Hmmm...the guards from the embassy opposite our house saw them going in and coming out at the same time. She's always been a bit laissez-faire and bohemian (which isn't a bad thing, just saying she's a free spirit).
It wouldn't be out of character to do this, but I didn't think she'd do that to a friend.

TwoFir, hope they didn't use a lot of things

Ladies, you have made me feel so much better. I'm actually smiling again. Am so glad I came on here and posted.

Will discuss claim with Dh on the WE. Might be a good idea to draw a line in the sand.

OP posts:
Alexa808 · 05/06/2008 18:02

Minou, yes we are non-smokers. That bit of the action surprised me even more because I was originally supposed to arrive 2 days after her shenanigans and just opening a window will air nothing in this house. It's all open space and you can't really close off the downstairs rooms.

OP posts:
JessJess3908 · 05/06/2008 18:04

I've moved now... But you don't have to go that far

Seriously tho - he was a proper idiot gangster. I could have come home to a crack den/whore house.

My poor pussy cats would have been corrupted forever!

izyboy · 05/06/2008 18:57

Alexa I am assuming that you have a nice house and lifestyle - she obviously felt it was ok to have a bit for herself and that you wouldn't miss it! That's a scummy way to look at things isn't it? I expect she looked through your stuff to have snoop and maybe fuel the fantasy of being you-who knows! Anyway youre better off without the cheeky bint. Crikey, and then to have a bonk in your bed what a wierdo!

Kimi · 05/06/2008 19:28

Might be time to change your locks!!

catsmother · 05/06/2008 21:42

What a bloody bitch.

She may have had permission to be in your home - but for a specific purpose, and for that alone.

I suspect they may decline to do anything but I would consider going to the police if you have a written reply to your original email - in which she admits stealing from you. I'm not surprised you feel violated and livid.

hk78 · 05/06/2008 22:22

what izyboy said, she probably thought she would nick a bit of your lifestyle, omg has she been wearing your clothes as well?!
not acceptable imo
you are well rid of her.

TotalChaos · 05/06/2008 22:33

No and No. She is completely in the wrong.

Quattrocento · 05/06/2008 22:39

Awful behaviour - could she not have entertained in her own house? No loss IMO

jajas · 05/06/2008 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alexa808 · 06/06/2008 09:34

Oh chequers, forgot to say: the wedding was LOVELY and soooo romantic. Really intimate and I nearly bawled my eyes out and so did DH.

No interruptions whatsoever from FIL's GF but lots of smiles through gritted teeth which suited me fine as long as she was being outwardly polite.

(Had the laxative on standby the night before, just in case she was gonna go off into one of her racist rants again...)

OP posts:
cory · 06/06/2008 10:32

You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty towards your dh. Most people can be trusted, she could not. Her fault, not yours.

Alexa808 · 06/06/2008 11:06

Thanks cory, I just really didn't see it coming at all. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Wish I had known. Guess some of you are right, so lucky I found out now! Imagine her babysitting my daughter. Argh!!

OP posts:
catsypug · 06/06/2008 17:09

what a spiteful bitch! you're well rid Alexa - if you'd let her away with that then she'd probably just go and do something else horrible too.

I was in a similar situation - my ex friend went into my house when me and DH were on honeymoon supposedly to do us a nice turn by putting up balloons and rosepetals as a nice welcome home surprise....that was quite nice but then also welcoming us home were strategically placed polaroids of her and her friend and BoyF going through my wardrobe mock laughing at my clothes, or holding them up to herself in the mirror, going through my bedside tables which I'm sorry, tend to hold personal, private items. Pretending to sleep in my bed. They also had a couple of bottles of our wedding champagne. I was devastated actually being the butt of her joke - I'm sure behaviour like that and your friend showed is born out of jealousy.

I didn't end it then though when I should have don - I went on to take a couple more years of shit off this bitch before we finally ended up ending it after a massive blow up. She was a dick - sounds like your friend is too!

Alexa808 · 08/06/2008 07:58

Oh catsypug, so sorry to hear that. What a horrible person. What a nasty surprise, good you're shot of her.

Well, I've just found out from my crying cleaning lady that 'friend' and BF slept in our bed and left glasses of wine and full ash tray next to the bed. In a bedroom with freshly laundered sheets, all our personal items, etc.

When I texted her I'm thinking of taking legal action if she doesn't return the wine as she just sneered and said we seem to have enough. It's not about the ££ for me but to teach her a lesson and see remorse. She keeps denying she slept there and I got even more upset about her behaviour and if I could I'd love to smash her face.

She won't take Dhs calls either. I hope Karma gets her back.

Thanks to all of you ladies for being so supportive. I really thought I'm too uptight and stern. I also appreciated that you shared stories and gave good tips. I so hope we can be out of this house soon and move to Asia permanently.

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