How to stop feeling green eyed over my younger sister..?

[indigoo]

We’re both mid-thirties, she’s a year younger than me. When we were kids we didn’t really get on that well, sometimes amazingly well, but mostly it was bickering. At school I was always more of a model pupil and she was more average. I got with my DH a while before she got with hers, she got in with the wrong crowd, dropped out of uni at one point and I guess if I’m honest I always thought I’d be more successful of the 2 of us. I guess I probably thought about this more subconsciously than it being in my thoughts much.

Anyway fast forward to now and she’s had 2 beautiful children, I only have 1 who I love and adore but it was a struggle to get pregnant and I can’t have anymore. Her DH is lovely and they have a good amount of money and a happy life.
I also earn well, married to my childhood sweetheart and live in a nice house but I can’t help but shake the jealousy off towards my sister. She’s very healthy now and recently told me she’s not drinking anymore and started running, she looks great. I just feel like I can’t keep up with her. They’ve got plans to do their loft conversion soon and we’re in too much debt to even consider doing anything.
I’m not sure why I’m writing this all down, maybe just to get it out of my head.
I think if I’m honest i feel our dad used to compare us a lot, and I guess I’m still feeling compared now. I dunno, I feel it stings more when you’re the older sis.
Help me get over this!

This sounds a bit like the dynamic with me and my older sister. She was studious, did everything right, very self preserving by nature, settled down with her uni boyfriend. I went off the rails, dropped out of loads of things, had a series of failed relationships, yet now we aren’t in dissimilar positions and I get the feeling she resents it. I think she liked being the one who had it together while patting me on the head for being a bit of a mess and all over the place.

She’s all but cut me off now, and seems to resent my existence and me having any kind of confidence or success.

At least you’ve acknowledged it. Just remember you’re not actually entitled to a better life than her for any reason.

Try not to see it as a direct competition as others have said OP, try not to compare, you’re two different people with different lives. If it came to a choice I’d prefer to see my sister happier and more successful than me - rather than see her being sad, lonely, stressed or wondering what the point of life even is. Count your own blessings, and be happy she’s doing ok too xxx

Maybe try look at it all differently. Instead of being envious maybe be happy for her. See it as a good thing. She is your sister . You must want only good things for her .
I agree with others social media has made us more competitive in life . Homes/cars and so on. But really its really not worth the stress it causes . You will always be envious or wanting more . Its never ending .

Seems crazy. Sounds like you have a happy marriage, nice house, enough money and a child. Sure it's sad you can't have another but other than that sounds like you are doing incredibly well. Maybe practice some gratitude and stop comparing yourself it's daft.

Why do you need to 'keep up' with her?

I might not be the best person to comment on this because my younger brother is far better off and more successful than me and with a far better work life balance despite me being the far more naturally academic one.

There are various reasons for this - upbringing, luck, difference career choices, different decisions at various points along the way that worked out better/worse than they might but could very easily have gone the other way for either of us...

But I simply cannot conceive of being envious of him and our disparity is FAR greater than yours and your sister's!

Her achievements and lifestyle do not take away from yours in any way. And, let's face it, your life sounds very good.

The most uncomfortable aspect of your post is the implication that would would be happier if she were struggling in some way.

I am the younger sister in this scenario and I think it’s definitely a dynamic that came from our parents. Who is ‘on top’ has changed but my sister is a trigger for me and that is hard to overcome.

I have no advice but I see you xxx

Thanks all, yes I absolutely need to change my feelings which seem to be deep routed. I guess I am a high achiever in life, it means a lot to me to be successful and I think that is just the way I am, not necessarily what my dad caused. I think our dad encouraged us to be high achievers because him and our mum were bright but they didn’t do well because they made bad choices in life, and so we lived in a small house with little extras for holidays etc.

I think some of my envy also boils down to social media, I know I know, stay off of it and all that, but I can’t stay off of it, I enjoy going on it and following friends as well as brands I like etc, but my little sis is a bit of a serial poster and she only posts the good bits so it can come across like she’s living this amazing life. Also I have had comments off mutual friends of ours to say “your sis goes away all the time!” As in they’re comparing us too… I don’t go away much, not because we can’t afford to but because we’re quite homely and we’re decorating our house right now.

Anyway, I really need to shift my mind set because this isn’t doing me any favours, but I guess it’s hard when you’re full sisters only 1 year apart who even look quite similar.

I am the younger sister in a similar scenario and it has destroyed our relationship, and my trust in my sister. She competes at everything, despite the fact that we are completely different (different skills, hobbies, interests, jobs etc) and she is unable to celebrate anything good that happens in my life. I find it incredibly upsetting, to the point that I’ve started counselling recently to help me process the last 30 years of poor behaviour towards me. She was always seen as the ‘high maintenance’ one by our parents so what I experienced is them facilitating this behaviour for an easy life rather than facing in to it. Too many examples to list but this has also impacted my relationship with my parents, as I felt like I was expected to deal with the poor behaviour and move on.

You’ve recognised yourself that these are unhelpful feelings. I wish my sister had the same level of self awareness. Please don’t destroy the chance of a proper relationship with your sibling. As someone else has said, thief really is the comparison of joy. 😢

You actually sound very insecure. You say you envy her holidays but that travel isn’t a priority for you. Either own that you have different priorities OR dig into it. DO you really prefer home improvement to travel? Or are you doing it yourself keep your DH happy or keep up with the Joneses. You need to examine your values and priorities then when you are sure of them. Own them.
your need to be doing better because you’re fractionally older also stems from this lack of confidence imo. If you were confident in your own values and aims you could focus on that and wouldn’t need to be “better” than anyone else.

You aren't alone in this, I feel inadequate compared to my older sibling, but as the years pass its getting easier. We are very different people and have never been close, I always felt they were the golden child but the last few years they are not being nice to my parents so thats helping.

Sorry I know that sounds like I feel better for my parents getting poorly treated, but its not that, I think my parents are realising how much more I do for them.

I think it me growing and my priorities changing, and those of my parents too. Now its more important to have time with the grandkids together rather than getting my parents expensive gifts. Although my sibling who is very well off has started getting mean with money. They are well enough off to send their kids to private school, but recently got a bunch of supermarket flowers and a standard bottle of Prosecco for our mums birthday, max a tenner spent so I think my Mum was put out by that too

Oh and the competitiveness. Practice saying 'oh thats nice' and meaning it. I've never been a competitive person because I learned at a young age I wasnt good enough to compete with them. I'm younger, I wasn't sporty enough, not good enough. I realize that sounds very down on myself, but there is power in it too.

Find the things that are important to you and channel your energy into that. I've found the things that are more important to me, and become good at those, like baking, spending quality time together with my kids and their grandparents

Op parents putting children against each other never seems to turn out well. It pushes kids apart.
There's a MN expression often found on the Christmas threads - Comparison is the thief of Joy - and that is so true.

Be happy you are both doing well, you have one happy child, and put some effort into building the bonds with their cousins.

“your sis goes away all the time!”

An observation isn't a comparison.

If someone said to me, "Your brother's house is huge!" (It is) I wouldn't hear, "Your house is tiny!" (It is).

Why do you need to compete though? You have a Dc, a DH and a house, that’s a pretty good life. Sort your debts out and then you can save to be able to do more of what you want, but don’t compare to your sister.

You're railing against the role reversal. You were happy and comfortable in your role as the achiever, the successful one, the one who made your parents proud. You put all the work in and now it seems life has led to her usurping this role from you and it doesn't feel fair. I can totally understand why you're feeling this way and why it's hard to swallow.
Life can lead to all sorts and this isn't the end of the story for either of you. Try to be grateful for what you have and happy for sis. It could all change so quickly.

I have a sibling that thinks like this about me.

she’s never said it but doesn’t need to

the snarky it’s alright for some comments not directly to me but in a roundabout way hurt.

it also hurts when she doesn’t acknowledge anything big in my family life yet I’m the first to acknowledge things in hers.

I had a brilliant relationship with her adult child and make arrangements and see them etc however she has never really bothered with any of mine and can be quite offish with them at times.

it sucks.

we are both absolutely totally different and so are our lives in every way imaginable and I put it down to how different our mum treated us and still treats us.

im the one who is relied upon to help my parents with absolutely everything in an almost expectant kind of way where as my sibling is never asked to do anything as they have been babied from a young age.

in also get emotionally dumped on by my mum about my sibling and I spent two years helping to financially support her as well as practically and when I put a stop to it I think my mum almost resented me more than my sibling because it meant my mum did more.

yes I have a nice house and children and a successful business that I have worked my absolute ass for for and still do

I chose that path and am more than happy with it however sibling never could or wanted to but resents me for it.

you really need to give your head a wobble and be happy for her.

I'm not too sure what she has that you don't have. You have a job and money, a nice husband, a healthy and happy child who doesn't cause you problems.
It sounds like you have a deep rooted inferiority complex.
Ok she has the running and the house renovations - but you could also do those things if you wanted to.

I guess I am a high achiever in life, it means a lot to me to be successful and I think that is just the way I am

I guess it’s hard when you’re full sisters only 1 year apart who even look quite similar.

Honestly, OP, I'd shake yourself out of this mindset is not doing your peace of mind any favours. You can definitely come off Instagram for a start. And you can just calm down a bit about it all. Maybe recast it in your mind as neither of you being 'high achievers'.

I mean, I'm not intending to be unpleasant here, but I don't consider being married with two children, holidays and a loft conversion evidence of high achievement at all. It sounds like a perfectly pleasant, average life with enough money.

(ETA: That came across as bitchier than I meant -- what I'm trying to say is that I consider myself a low achiever in life, and I've 'achieved' more than your sister. I have friends who've won major prizes for scientific discoveries, run theatre companies or art galleries, write award-winning novels, and some who are now stonkingly 'racehorses and yachts' rich from very humble beginnings off the bakc of their own hard work etc. My doings are very small beer in comparison.

Social media is destroying people’s minds. Learn to be content and happy with what you have achieved and what is yours. Everyone is so busy looking out the window at what everyone else has, without appreciating what they already have.

Its people, they have compared themselves to siblings since the beginning of time as pointed out up thread.

OP I have this with my sister in law a bit. Society tells us you will be less successful if you don’t do well at school or get good grades. It’s a hard lesson when you get older and have to learn that isn’t always the case.

My SIL is a stay at home mum, never did well at school as she was out partying and never even got anything at GCSE level. She’s had kids easily, easy pregnancies and fallen on her feet marring my brother who has an amazing job.

It’s easy to look at others and compare, esp when rules / guidelines have been set when we were kids and now this isn’t true.

Life isn’t fair or equal, hopefully you can get to a place of more acceptance or just think internally
she’s miserable if it makes you mildly less jealous. You never know what some people are going through.

It's good that you recognise that the problem lies with you. It can be fixed by you.

I really don't think your mutual friends were comparing you both at all, your way of thinking appears to be a wee bit distorted.

So she is having a loft conversion and you’re not. I thought you were going to say she married a multi
millionaire and was living the high life. Comparison really is the thief of joy here!

I think you need therapy to work on yourself.

Comparison is the thief of happiness.
Just let it go. Count your blessings, and enjoy your life.