It's a sex and relationship one...

[AnotherTaleAsOldAsTime]

I've been with my partner for 5 years. We're both older (50s and early 60s). Both previously married and divorced 10+ years ago and have adult children.

In the early days, sex was great - as always.

He'd not long come out of a relationship when we got together, which is normally something I'd avoid but we knew each other well as friends previously and there didn't seem to be any issues re that.

My relationship background has been a bit rocky and less positive than his so I'm aware I was carrying some 'baggage' in that I don't really feel I know how to have a 'proper relationship' or to how to be in a relationship and struggle with confidence and self esteem on occasion.

I felt that, in the first couple of years, he overshared a bit about finding other women attractive. But it was something that had been comfortably shared in his previous relationship on both sides. They'd both laugh about it and he didn't realise it would be an issue for me.

In my experience, it's always been done as a way of being indirectly critical of me - unfavourable comparisons; why can't you be more like X? type thing. He's never said anything like that per se just occasional comments that such and such is really pretty, beautiful, attractive, sexy, looks good in that but in quite a neutral.way.

We spoke about it and he said he didn't realise. He apologised and hasn't done it since. He had thought I was so secure in knowing how he felt about me that I wouldn't be bothered and would laugh/share my own thoughts on men etc. As that's how it had been in his previous relationship. He didn't realise it would make.me doubt his attraction towards or feelings for me. It did. I felt he was letting me know I wasn't quite good enough. He denies this strongly.

Now we are here. I just feel so unattractive akd undesirable. There have been a couple of light hearted throwaway comments made since that I've asked him about and be just answers that he doesn't know what he meant or he doesn't know why he said it. The truth is obviously he meant what he said, and he said it because it's true. He denies that of course.

Sex has dwindled to pretty much nothing. We last had sex in August and it was about once monthly for about a year before that. I've just switched off.

Before the August sex, we went away on holiday and he initiated sex. We'd not had sex for about a month but he lost his erection and we just stopped. We did have sex a fortnight later but he didn't finish. He told me he had but we don't use condoms (he's had a vasectomy) so it's pretty obvious.

When we first started seeing each other, I was tentatively hopeful that we'd have the sex life I've always wanted but never had. But with the comments, the loss of erections and the lies about finishing, I've ended up just feeling really unattractive and like he can't be honest with me so I don't know what I'm supposed to trust.

I was ruminating on it a lot and the only way I could manage that was to accept that he just doesn't find me attractive. It's worked but I also don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't find me attractive. So I've just switched off.

I often think about opening up a conversation with him about it with a view to improving things because, in every other way, things are great. But I don't see the point when I don't feel he is going to be honest with me about it.

I know what he will say. I've heard it before. I just don't believe a word of it. It's just become the elephant in the room now and I don't know what to do.

I know the obvious answer is to end it but I don't really want to. Other than this, we have a good life together. I'm aware he might end it but that's not immediate. He says he loves me and I love him but sex has become such a loaded issue. And I've got nothing new to say.

I don't really know what I'm asking or what I want. Thoughts, experience, suggestions? Thanks

Based on previous threads like this, this will be unpopular with the majority on MN, but it's my honest opinion.

It sounds like you're the one with self-image/confidence issues and you're now looking to blame your partner for that after quite some time of putting up with his, in all honesty pretty harmless, comments about "other" attractive women.

He may well be picking up on this and noticing some off putting behaviour or "vibe" from you when trying to be intimate.

It’s only my opinion, but this did appear to be happening mostly in your head. If there were such a thing as couples CBT, I’d say you need it; you sound as if you are trying to protect yourself by deciding the worst possible interpretation of someone’s words before anyone can hurt you by surprising you, and then turning that into reality.

@AnotherTaleAsOldAsTime I can absolutely understand this and I think it's more common than people realise. Most women I know are completely blind to this kind of conversation/attitude of men. We have been conditioned to not noticing it but once you see it you can't unsee it and that's the part you are grappling with.

OP I haven’t read all the comments but aside from his comments about other people’s appearances . Do you think your confidence is affected by the Menopause and his ED could be due to prostate problems, he needs it checked. ( me and my partner are similar ages to you)

Tbh, I really do think this is a lot of overthinking on your part, as you said you have issues you are carrying forward from previous relationships, it sounds likes you’ve made a lot of assumptions, about how he feels about you. I’m not sure you want to continue the relationship unless you’re willing to communicate properly with him & I’d go to some individual counselling to try work through your feelings of insecurity.

The more responses I see from you, OP, the more I think this is about your mental health. Basically, you think every thing your partner says or does is somehow a dig at you, and you cannot accept that this just isn’t about you. A man commenting on someone’s appearance or qualities doesn’t mean he doesn’t fancy you. A man losing his erection - especially in his 60s! - doesn’t mean he doesn’t fancy you. Not everything is ‘a sign’, OP, and people validating your obsessive thinking isn’t going to help you. You need some counselling I think.

@AnotherTaleAsOldAsTime

Here to add weight to the work on yourself and then evaluate, have some good, honest, conversations with partner, he may need to see a GP, viewpoint.

It would be a shame to let this one end without trying these things first.

Good luck!!

How do you know he doesn’t find you attractive? Have you asked him?

Overall you’re coming across as very needy in terms of wanting lots of compliments and reassurance on your ‘attractiveness’. Why? Personally, too much of that gives me the ick. I’d rather have a good laugh with a partner than be on the end of endless compliments (although the odd one is nice).

I'm none of the things he finds attractive.

I'm not 'attractive'.

I can't compete with other women who he only sees when they're 'perfect'.

I never make an effort anymore. It was too hurtful to feel like I was trying and still not good enough. Its easier to just accept that I'm unattractive to him than to try and still fail. I tried to but I can't even look him in the eye in case he's embarrassed by me or wishing I were better than I am.

I'm a functional person. I work, I sleep, I do the things in life I need to. I've stopped doing anything that makes me 'visible'.

Day to day is fine. We laugh, we plan, we have fun but its quite limited. I very rarely put myself in a position with him where there are other people around anymore. We don't socialise or go out much anymore.

If I'm somewhere I really want to be, I can cope with him not finding me attractive. Eg if we go to see a band we both really like or want to see. Or if we go to a pub for a drink on the way home from work on a weekday evening. But we don't go out at the weekend when people have dressed up because I don't feel like I belong.

I don't feel like this if I go out with friends. I don't really give it any thought at all and I'm still happy to make a but of an effort but I avoid him before I go out. He always comes to say goodbye, have a nice time etc but I can't look at him.

I don't want compliments. They're meaningless and make me uncomfortable.

@AnotherTaleAsOldAsTime

Please get some personal therapy.

He doesn’t make you feel like this without your permission.

Your avoidance/safety behaviours are only maintaining how you feel, and making matters worse, they’re not actually helping. Short term, maybe, long run, definitely not, but you need to unpick this with a professional.

This.

OP , Jesus !!!!! , a bit of common sense here ..
Why on earth would he ever want to date you in the first place if he found you so unattractive, like come on seriously ????
Before you post anymore here , I’d look up counselling & book ASAP..
You’re going to spoil whatever chance you guys have if you don’t pick yourself up ( I’m saying that very kindly ) , bit of positivity, & Say to yourself “ Right , I’m going to do my best here to fix what’s going on “ ..
Best of luck 🤞, You can do this !! 🙌
X

Oh my I think you need some therapy / counselling to help build your self esteem.
You seem hyper sensitive
You must accept that some of the things he has occasionally said about other women don’t reflect on you at all .
Eg my husband once commented on how lovely some young woman was who was looking after us at an event .
He very rarely says anything like that .
She was very pretty , natural looking , had a lovely calming voice and more to the point did her job well .
I agreed with him absolutely that she was absolutely lovely .
Him briefly mentioning that didn’t affect me at all .

OP, I’m very rarely an apologist for the men on these threads, but all of your posts tell me that this is primarily about how you feel about yourself. Not how you feel about him. And not how he feels about you. Some counselling - individual and couples - might help you work through some of those feelings of inadequacy.

On who he does and doesn’t find attractive - I’m still very attracted to my partner, but I wouldn’t think twice about someone who looked like him on tv or the street - I can both fancy him and acknowledge that he’s just perfectly normal looking!

I'm surprised at the number of people who are blaming her for how she feels and telling her she needs help with her mental health.

I’m not sure anybody is blaming her, but it seems pretty clear she’s at a very low ebb in terms of her self-esteem, and it’s having a damaging impact on her relationship and wider life. That sounds like depression, o at least really destructive patterns of thinking, to me.

He’s 60+, it’s very natural to start loosing interest in sex and physical abilities unless he’s a very fit and healthy man. Otherwise just nature

Pork sword can run out of usable energy by 60+ years. Blue pills may or may not work. We gave up fornication by age 45 cause I always thought it was a ridiculous pass time anyway. Everyone is different.

I agree with all of the above, except the ending the reqltionship. If it was me I would honestly sit him down and say 'why is our sex life so shit?' Or words to that effect, then id say absolutely nothing and wait to see what he has to say. Youve made an assumption but youre probably a million miles away from what is actually the case. A males inability to get or maintain an erection are very rarely to do with the person they are with. Talk to him.

In the kindest way possible, everything you've written above is nuts. You make an effort when you go out without him but no actual effort for him? Read it back OP. Process that.

I make an effort for myself when I go out with others because i like to. I don't feel comfortable making an effort when I go out with him (for myself) because I'm very conscious that I'm not what he finds attractive and that's when I'm most acutely aware of it. I feel stupid and would rather just not make a fool of myself in that way.

I know it shouldn't be about what he finds attractive but there's no fun in it for me if I feel shit about myself. And I just feel self conscious rather than nice.

It's hard to put into words because it's a feeling and an instinct rather than a tangible thought process.

I've thought about some of the comments on here and someone said (sorry, haven't read back through and found it).something about him being very focused on how people look, 'looks' and appearances both men and women. And I think it's true, he is.

I don't really notice other people like that and I never think enough to comment. I'd never comment on what someone was wearing or their appearance or how good looking they are. He does notice. And I know he.does so even though he doesn't really comment any more (other than on men), I'm still aware that he's 'noticing'.

But that's because it's important to him and I just don't want to draw attention to myself and have him or anyone else think anything negative about me. And I know other people probably don't care as much as he does or I do but thats just how I feel.

I think part of it is that people often feel obliged to say "you look nice" when some has made an effort and I don't want him to feel obliged to say something he doesn't mean. Not that he does but still.

I suppose I just don't know if he's looking at me thinking I look a mess or wondering why I bothered or is embarrassed by me drawing attention to myself.

I feel awkward having make up on or wearing something nice if he's going to be thinking you can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear.

I can't look people in the eye and don't enjoy it.

Don't even consider trying to second guess what someone else is thinking. It's a fool's game. It leads nowhere. All men (just about) look at other people all the time. They are wired that way ( or wired wrong 😂). You need to wear what you find you look good in and wear your makeup for you to feel better, not him or anyone else. Just do it ! You will get more respect from him if you do it for you and take no notice of anything else. Stop caring about him, it's draining all your confidence and making you miserable. Care about yourself instead. Do it.