Could you get past this invasion of privacy?

[NopointinNCbutherweare]

I don't know where to begin with a back story as there's so much water under the bridge. I will add more details if necessary but I'm looking for perspective on this particular issue primarily.

I found out that my DP hacked into my phone and;

Read all of my emails and texts
Went through my pictures
Somehow got on to my mumsnet account and read every thread I've ever made dating back years

Could you get past this? Is there any situation in which you think this would be acceptable?

I feel violated 😔

How did you even find out?

Why would you want to get passed this?

By backstory, if you mean you’ve cheated on him and lied about it and he’s hacked into your phone for proof….then I’d say you’re as bad as him and have no claim to the moral high ground.

If it’s nothing like that and he had no reason to do it then no, it’s not forgivable.

Hi,

Thanks for the replies.

No I don't have a history of cheating on him. I was completely faithful. He however - has cheated multiple times.

So the full context:

We haven't been together in a romantic sense for years. We have been living as co-parenting housemates as his second affair killed it stone dead for me. We've been in seperate bedrooms ever since and no sexual contact whatsoever for the same length of time (4 years). He knows exactly where he stands and I made it clear I do not see him in a romantic way any more. He is free to meet somebody and I figured we would reassess the living situation at such a time.

Now, the reason we still cohabitate is because our DC is disabled and has significant care needs. We also live in the most expensive part of the UK where he wouldn't be able to afford to take on the kind of property he'd need in order to do shared custody (IE two bedrooms, accessible, not in a shit hole flat in a run down area or a HMO)

I figured so long as we were getting along it made sense to maintain the status quo. I made my peace with the end of the relationship a long time ago and felt that whilst he was a shit partner he isn't too bad a friend and always pulled his weight with DC which lightened the load for me.

I never would have thought in a million years he would be snooping through my things.

In the past year I've lost a lot of weight and have started to reclaim something of a life for myself after letting myself go and being in a depression rut for years.

I go to the gym, buy nice clothes, make more of an effort with my appearance, make time for my friends when I can.

All of that has made him incredibly jealous and he thinks I met somebody. I haven't.

My position is though.. even if I did it would be none of his business and he's got a cheek!

That's the full story. I appreciate our situation is somewhat more complex than the OP lays out but I wanted unbiased input to begin with to see whether my gut was right.

Suffice to say I've given him notice to leave but I'm just gutted. I trusted him as my friend and family.

Absolutely relationship-ending for me. No question.

Do you live together? If so who owns the property? I'd throw him out for this.

ETA cross-posted with you

I found out he'd done it as he mentioned things that he'd have no other way of knowing then when pressed he finally admitted it.

Nope. There is a fundamental trust issue here - obviously he didn’t trust you now you can’t trust him. Deal breaker.

What the actual fuck? The fact you even need to ask suggests you are in a boiling frog situation. You need to get the fuck out but take care.

Op thanks for update, so you have changed your password on fone,
Basically he who had affairs destroyed your relationship but checks your fone for info, wow!! Op so classic this,

And yes no bloody business of his

He needs to leave and you need to change the locks so he can’t re enter your home without your knowledge or approval.

Also, once he has gone change your wifi and make sure his name isn't on your Internet provider account.

Yanbu.

Passwords all changed yes.

I asked how he found out what my phone lock was and he said he just pressed random numbers and letters - that's a blatant lie as its something very specific.

Apparently he only accessed it once but I don't believe that as you couldn't look through everything he's looked at all at once in a brief window of time.

He's very apologetic but only because I found out. If I hadn't he wouldn't have said anything.

How can you even be civil with someone who does that? I can't even look at him.

Did he move in with you? Whose name is on the mortgage or lease? If it's yours alone, I'd kick him out and I wouldn't care where he went to live.

This

apparently having a gut feel is more than enough to be told on here that you should go through your partners phone. I wonder why this thread is so different…

He moved in with me and it's in my name only. I could have kicked him out years ago but I felt bad at the prospect of him having to live in a house share or needing to move out of the city (and then me inevitably being shouldered with 100% of DC's care)

God only knows what else he's been doing.

I'm going to tell him to leave by the end of the week.

And the massive drip feed changes the context completely.

ffs

What??? No.

I'd be changing the locks and packing his bags now.

What was his excuse?

He'd been asking me questions about whether I had been seeing somebody and didn't believe me when I said no so "wanted to know for sure"

Why were you even engaging? You’re nut together. It’s none of his business.