Ending Marriage Living Abroad

[FairCrow]

Looking for views here: I think my marriage is over and has been for a while.
We've lived in another EU country for six years so DC9 doesn't really remember anything else. I'm disabled and can't work here so I've been at home pretty much all his life.
"D"H is a very angry man who blames me for everything and basically uses me as a free cleaner/maid and to be around whenever he wants to go out or go away, sometimes for weeks at a time with work.
He's not nice to me, no sex for 4 years or so because I'm not "nice enough to him". He never kisses me, hugs me or shows me affection, and because of the language barrier and my disability, I'm forced to ask him every time I need the Dr or any non-simple business.
I don't like the atmosphere he brings to the house nor the way he assigns everything as a fault of mine, whether it is the dinner I cook or the fact our son makes a massive fuss about doing homework and getting up on time for school.
However our son is also happy at a great private school (unaffordable in the UK) and is settled with his friend group. This is really important to him.
It is probably possible to stick it out, I think I could get some support for that and try and manage for another 10 years or so but I still worry about the conflict for my son.
Which is worse - leaving and devastating my son or staying and trying to pacify his father for another decade? I don't know what to do.

Can you explain why in six years you haven’t learned the language sufficiently to book your own appointments ? You say you’re disabled but struggling to work out why that prevents you studying the language for a place you have lived for such a long time- especially with free time as a sahm with school age child ? Once I can understand that, hopefully I can give you some advice.

Are you in your DH country? What are the laws around your son leaving if he has duel nationality? Would you come back to the UK? You'd have to work on the assumption that your son would be staying where he is settled (same as the courts would rule here) rather than move with you unless neither of you have the right to stay.

OP - it’s tough. In all likelihood - you won’t be able to take your son put of the country he is settled to come back to UK, if you decide to leave your H.
Would you be able to survive in that country - on benefits? Will H be required to pay maintenance?

Leaving your son with his father and moving away will indeed be devastating to a child.
I think your only real choice is to build up some resilience and not let H’s attitude affect you. And push back, maybe?

Also - figure out the divorce laws of the country you ate in and plan your future

I agree with previous posters. It is going to be very hard to move to the UK if dh objects - do you think he would? Where are you? Could you apply for citizenship at this stage? That might help you but it really depends where you are? Do you have any support network?

I'm disabled and can't work here
Why can't you work? I'm not sure if you mean because of your disability, your lack of language or something else.

Also, I am really sorry you are in this situation. It sounds awful. If you want to leave I am sure it's possible but it's also complicated.

I will try and answer the questions:
Disability affects speech and hearing. I can certainly book appointments but not quite fully understand complex medical terms and explanations where accuracy is vital. I would rather not go into to much detail about my disability - anything I am able to do, I do. I often do quite well, but there are limits.
Working is difficult for disability reasons, language reasons and also that my husband goes away at random for anything up to a month with little warning. No relatives or support here. It is possible but there are not many opportunities for people with my disabilities, especially in the area we are.

H will certainly object to me going back with my son. And I will never leave my son under any circumstances- I am his primary carer. My son and I both are UK passport holders and do not have a passport or citizenship of the country we live in which is H´s country. Son is eligible though.

I think your only real choice is to build up some resilience and not let H’s attitude affect you. And push back, maybe?

Thank you - I am more interested in people´s perspectives on taking my son back to the UK (if it were even possible) and how it would affect him. I am inclined to agree with the above comment - although I don´t know how I can get better at not letting him get to me. Pushing back is less of an option because H will become abusive to me and I don´t want to have to deal with shouting and outbursts. He seems to feel like I am responsible for his happiness, but I don´t see how I can ´provide´ him with it. He does have mental health issues and is seeing people/on medication but I am not sure how I can change or fix this for him.
I want a calm, good life for my son - that is the goal. If I could keep H calm, I could probably stay here.

Thank you all who answered.

Honestly ( and I speak from a position which was similar) I would take a holiday (without notice of course) to the UK. Your son will be fine and your husband who is so intent on keeping his son and being a parent can actually do so. You cannot and should not do this for another ten years. That would be an awful blueprint to be giving your son and an awful experience for you.
Google divorce lawyers who speak English in your city/nearest city. There will be some. It’s Europe and lawyers are educated. Having a plan will make this more bearable in the short term.
I have to ask why would you want to have a physical relationship with this man in any case? He sounds horrible.

i think your son would be ok moving back but the chances of you being able to do so are vanishingly small unless your husband realises he can’t parent alone.

H cannot parent alone - he would lose his job very quickly without me being there. He also cannot remember anything eg for school, forgets to make meals, will not clean anything ever, and locks himself out at least twice per week. There is not a chance I would leave my child with him, though, DS does not deserve that at all.

I´d like a physical relationship as a mark of a normal loving relationship, if that makes sense. Not that this is where we are.

I understand. Sorry if I sounded harsh at all. My now ex and I lived without anything physical for years before I managed to get a divorce (also in the EU).

I think the only option is to look at short term planning (lawyer, benefits) and if you are safe to do so telling him that this is what you are thinking of doing. If he can’t keep his job and parent then he needs you. He needs you yet he is taking you for granted which is disrespectful and not loving at all.

My son and I both are UK passport holders and do not have a passport or citizenship of the country we live in which is H´s country. Son is eligible though.
As you have been there for a while and are the spouse of someone with citizenship, you might be eligible too. Have you looked into it? It could be useful (depending on where you are, of course).

Sorry - meant to add re: citizenship - if dh did object to you leaving the country but you got divorced, you could find yourself in a tricky situation where your right to stay in the country where your child is was problematic. I have a friend whose divorce came through as she was applying for citizenship and this annulled it. She had to start all over again with getting a permission to stay.

You come back for a holiday and you start divorce proceedings from the UK. Do you have family that would welcome you back and let you live with them whilst this happens? Your DS will be fine. He won’t be if you stay in the marriage and he grows up around this dysfunctional and damaging man.

You can not go to the UK on vacation, refuse to come back and file for divorce - NOT unless your son is on your side in wanting to move to the UK and to leave his dad.
I had friends whose parents move them overseas w/o telling the other parent.

Which then were followed by bitter court cases, and deep wounds that stayed with the now grown ‘kids’ for years.
So - that IS not an option.
And I don’t see your H agreeing to you moving away. And, by your description - your DS likes where he is - his school, his friends.
Maybe he’ll be interested to move later, when he is a teen?

As to how to become more resilient - there are
many ways. Have you ever had therapy? They might help coming up with strategies for not taking things too close to heart.
I had a difficult H once. He blamed me for all kinds of unhappiness, and considered me a terrible wife, etc. It bothered/hurt me originally as I thought it was unfair, etc. But eventually - I realised I don’t care what he thinks/says. I also needed to wait it out while kids were small and I wasn’t ready to explode their lives. I needed to survive - and I did.
Learned not to care and not let what he said affect me. Was like water off a duck…
What also helped was getting a little bit of my own life - friends and hobbies going. Your son is not a baby - so must be at school for a decent amount of time. Dedicate some time to yourself!
And sign up for language classes.

it’ll help you with feeling more independent, and will help you eventually!!!

What country are you in? Which language is it?

Thank you - I agree it is a matter of survival. I'll not be exploding my son's life, either, nor his opportunities. I'm not happy but at the same time, I could do more things for myself when I am having a good day, and dedicate more time to making myself happy. Thank you so much for the advice on resilence and coping in a difficult situation - it is very useful and valuable to me.
Re: the country - I am not comfortable sharing too many personal details about this or my specific disability/conditions.

Do you have any friends in the area ? Are there many British people who you have managed to build up any connections with who could help you even if it’s just a listening ear ?

@FairCrow
I second the advice on surviving - and focusing on yourself/your child to make it bearable, as leaving is not an option.

I think as women we have trouble learning how to not care, and how to stop expecting our partners to change and become the men we'd like them to be.
Hoping for the life with him to change for the better - is why you are driving yourself to unhappiness. He will not change and will not give you some other life/relationship.
You need to accept that as your reality, and figure out how to improve your life, given what you CAN change.
In general - we rarely can change anything about other people - the ONLY thing
that we can change is our reaction to what they do, (and life in general)

Before divorcing my H was also quite vile to me at times. I also had to figure out how to keep the peace without losing myself. For me it was realisation that when he was being nasty - that it was not about me, it was whatever control/insecurity/etc issue he had. So - while earlier in our relationship I'd have argued, and tried to defend/explain hoping that if only he understood me, he'd stop. But with time, it dawned on me that he doesn't care to understand. So I stopped trying to explain. I'd let him rant, etc and stopped reacting.

My exH also used to travel a lot - and it was great - as it gave me lots of breathing space. And me and DC could do our own thing.

Gym and doing things with friends also helped keep me sane.

Good luck!!!

I think you need to learn the language asap and apply for citizenship and pass their language tests. How many years do you have to be resident in the country before you can apply?

Citizenship will afford you protections.

Also in terms of work, have you ever worked? Can you work remotely at all?

I would not just up and leave with your son to the UK. That is going to create all sorts of very ugly, protracted and expensive legal work.

Plus your son is happy where he is? It’s what he knows? I don’t know that you’d be allowed to just uproot him like that.

I really think the key is learning language, getting citizenship, finding some kind of work and consulting a local solicitor. Equip yourself.

I don’t think leaving for the UK is a good idea. Your son will resent the disruption to his life.

I just want to be clear that I have made progress with the language. However, speaking and listening are an integral part of language fluency, and disability in these areas can and will slow someone down. 5-6 yrs wouldn't usually be enough for total fluency in a regular person, so it's not a matter of not learning a language or joining a class, it's a matter of the time needed and the specialist help.

Leaving is always an option open to you.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?. Do you yourself have a good relationship with him or he is starting to morph into his dad?

His father certainly only cares about his own self and getting his needs met. What sort of parent is he to his son if he cannot remember anything for school or make meals?.

I presume your son comes home at the end of the school day: that place is his only stability and one constant because his home life is not great. He will be picking up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken between you and his dad. Staying also for the sake of the child rarely if ever works out well for all concerned.

It’s neither his fault nor yours his dad has decided to embark on his own private based war against you. He’s your common or garden abuser who uses Mh as an excuse. Trying to remain resilient here when faced with such an onslaught of hate and misery from your so called husband will not succeed. He likes having you around in order to further abuse and mistreat you: you are indeed the free cleaner and maid . You will continue to remain socially isolated where you are.

I would also think it a given he has been unfaithful to you as well also given the amount of time he is away.

You have a choice re this man, your son does not. Do not make this his blueprint for his own relationships as an adult.

You don’t need fluency to get citizenship, do you? It depends where you are. It’s often level B1.

If you can get to B1 and find work, your language ability will soar. Plus TV and radio.

For those recommending OP aims for citizenship of her resident country: thanks to Brexit this would very probably entail her sacrificing her British passport, which would make it difficult to return to the UK later on. Not a smart move.
OP: what a horrible situation for you. But you can’t simply return to the UK with your son for several reasons without getting legal advice first - mainly the mental stress to both of you of fighting a vicious court battle and then potentially being ordered to return him.
The first thing you need to do is work on your language skills so you‘re less dependent on him. Do you have access to Family money to pay for them or is he a financial abuser too? Try online classes from home - private 1 to 1 classes could be tailored to your needs. Specifically, many EU countries have online booking systems for doctors, which would mean no speaking to book an appt. I know Germany and France have one called Doctolib, for example (and I think there’s an English version too). A private language tutor could work on making those areas accessible to you.
And I agree about making an appt for an English-speaking lawyer for advice: the advice about taking your son out of the country will prob be ‘don’t’, but you could ask about divorce and laws on marital abuse. Does he have access to your bank records? You might need to conceal it somehow by paying in cash or even opening a second secret account.
BTW you can become fluent in a western European language much quicker than 5-6 years without a disability: I did it in two. Sure it will take you longer given your circumstances, but you will feel way more in control once you’re not linguistically dependent on him.
Both of you sound utterly trapped in this situation: just that he’s reacting by being an absolute bastard, while you’re feeling completely helpless and unable to change anything at all.

For those recommending OP aims for citizenship of her resident country: thanks to Brexit this would very probably entail her sacrificing her British passport, which would make it difficult to return to the UK later on. Not a smart move.
Not really. Plenty of countries allow dual citizenship. It really depends where she is.

Not at all necessary to relinquish British citizenship. I now have dual nationality.

it really depends on which country she’s in. The Netherlands, for example, does not allow dual.

Please don’t post misinformation.

I wrote probably. Most/many EU countries will ask British citizens to relinquish their other citizenships. The misinformation is other posters telling her to apply for a new citizenship without understanding the consequences. I’m a British/EU dual citizen myself - it would be way more difficult now.