How do you decide if a marriage is dead after nearly 35 years?

[tumpymummy]

I've been with my husband for most of my adult life, since I was 23 years, now I'm 57. We have 2 children aged 24 and 21 who have their own lives. Husband has retired 6 months ago, I enjoy my part time job so don't plan on retiring yet. Life has been good, but how do you know if we've reached the end of the road? I often wonder what he brings to the relationship, why am I still with him? Financial security is the main reason I think. When he goes away I look forward to having the house to myself. We haven't had sex for probably approx 10 years. Is this just what life is like after so many years together? He is a popular guy, we have lots of friends, but he has no get up and go. We have been in the same house for over 30 years, but it has real damp problems. I thought he would sort this out once retired. But he hasn't. He does nothing around the house, although he does cook. If anything needs doing, I have to sort it. We are going away next week. I asked him to sort a holiday a month ago, he didn't. So last week I sorted one in a few hours. Im starting to wonder what he brings to the table, apart from money. My job is low paid, I wouldn't be able to afford a place of my own unless his pension is split. I see my parents weren't happy but my mum stayed. Do I stay too, for better or for worse? Parts of our life are fun, but it feels like I do everything. Or is that just long term marriage? I have no wish to meet anyone else.

His pension would be split.

definitely don’t give up your work.

what does he do with his retirement?

what do you do together?

we’re at a similar stage to younot quite there yet. I finally got dh to join the gym with me which has been good, every article I read about retirement is the need to keep challenging yourself, both physically and mentally. The most successful retired couples I know do things together like walking whilst also pursuing individual interests. We plan to do short bursts of activity on the house multiple times a week too.

I think it depends what you want from life. You don't sound particularly happy right now....would you be happier living alone?

Financially everything would be split 50/50 but you would need to find somewhere to live that you could afford each month, based on your own income/savings/your pension and your share of your husbands pension

Flip it around, do you want to start again? Do you want to live alone? Do you want a new relationship? What do you want him to do?

divorce means splitting everything and likely to be 50/50, is there enough for two modest places to buy?

many people are no more than room mates by that point in a marriage but actually it works for them, only you can know if you want more

It's not unusual for the sex side of things to dwindle after decades together, but a good relationship would still have some sort of intimacy, even if it's just cuddling. It does sound as though your relationship has run its course. Your DH seems to have lost interest in the house and connecting with you. You could stay, but you'll be signing up for this unhappiness for the remainder of your life.

My husband died last year - early, aged 59. We didn't have a good marriage. People keep asking me how I am, how I'm coping etc. Honestly, I'm fine. On a learning curve coping with some things on my own but without the constant misery. Life can be short OP. If you think there's no hope of saving this relationship then don't be afraid to go it alone. Yes, it would be scary at first while you get yourself set up, but don't stay just because it's easy.

God, I hope I get more than six months of loafing upon retirement before dh starts eyeing up my pension.

We are very similar to you and I only stay for finance and company. If I could click my fingers and he’s moved out with finances settled, I would.

So you’re basically his mother sorting everything out around the home and life admin etc. Nah couldn’t be arsed with that. It’ll only get worse and you’ll get less and less tolerant. Leave while you are still young enough.

Ive seen plenty of older people wishing then left and then were stuck caring for someone who’d not actually done much for them apart from provide money.

Do you love him? Does he make you laugh? Do you enjoy his company? Aside from the sex issue (does that bother you?) are you close / affectionate? Is he kind to you?

After a long marriage monotony can set in but you have to have the above to survive it. Would life be better alone? If he were to leave tomorrow how would you feel?

Your expectations of him seem to be based on what you want to do. You’ve given him a to do list

My DSis and my best friend both have husbands who don’t like travelling, whereas they do. Both have decided independently that they will go off travelling on their own, with friends or they take their children. It works well.

Why can’t you sort the damp problem? It’s not much effort to call some tradesmen to get quotes on what needs to be done to kickstart the project. Then hand it over to him to manage while you work

Do you have independent interests?. It sounds like your DH is still trying to find his feet with his retirement. Has he found hobbies to interest him? That should help with the get up and go

Why don’t you have sex? Have you asked him?

I wouldn’t call time on your relationship yet until you’ve addressed the lifestyle issues

How long has he been retired?
I found when I first retired I needed about a year to almost "wind down" from my working life, and then after I started to find activities get involved with things and start doing house decorating/ renovations, etc.
Initially there is no urgency to do these jobs!
Does he have friends who are also retired that he sees and is connected with ?
Honestly the fact that you have not been intimate for a long time is more worrying that anything , connected to adjusting to retirement (which is common)
Only you know how you feel, the adjusting to retirement is a temporary thing, your connection with him is a long ongoing situation and that (in my opinion) should be addressed first.
Good luck.

Only the type of mother where the child pays for everything.

It also surprises me on these threads how readily people dismiss financial provision as if it’s barely a contribution at all. Being the family breadwinner is years of stressful responsibility, regardless of the nature of the job itself.

Maybe he feels as bored with the marriage as you? He could be planning his escape?

The damp problem thing is weird. Unless he’s a specialist I wouldn’t expect him to sort it out, retired or not. Unless you just mean call in a specialist which either of you could’ve done at any point, or look into moving if you want to. He is who he is, with pros and cons by the sound of it and you’ve got your own pros and cons too. If you don’t love him enough to see spending the rest of your life together, then that’s the make or break matter as he’s not going to change at this point and it doesn’t really matter what it’s like for other people.

Have you had a discussion about what you want to do with your time now and what he wants to do with his and what you might do together. My husband retired recently and he has taken time to get used to it. I wasn't at all sure how it would impact us.

However it has been positive for him and us as he is doing various different things which gives us far more interesting things to catch up on. I still work long hours, so he has taken on virtually everything at home which has been a real plus for me. He has never been someone who sits around though.

I think that retirement is one of the hardest times for a marriage as it is such a big change.

Thankyou! Some useful perspectives here! He has only been retired 6 months so I guess it is early days, and a period of adjustment. He is relishing not working and is keeping active. Several of his friends are retired too so he doesn't hang around the house all the time. I guess I was hoping he would sort out the house now he has more time, but I guess he's enjoying not working. I was hoping it would be one less thing i'd have to do. I did everything for the kids when they were younger, but I didn't mind that as I was the one who pushed to have children.

Get someone in to sort out the damp. It might be more than general DIY.

When he goes away I look forward to having the house to myself. I do too and I’m not unique!

You both need to address the lack of sex.

He has no get up and go…but he has many positives and isn’t one of the twats we read about so often on here, is he?

No, I don’t think it’s the end of the road but more likely a rut you’ve got into, a degree of taking each other for granted (he only cooks), boredom (no holiday planned) and frustration. Together you can turn this round.

I have been with DH 35 years also. I am 55, so is he. To be fair neither of us is retired, though we dream about it more and more.
We have sex about once a week. We are great friends and very affectionate with each other. I still enjoy having the house to myself!

DH also expects me to sort stuff, but he works full time and me only part time. If he retired first I guess I would be looking to change that balance but I am sure it would take a while to break a 30 year habit.

May I ask, what IS there to address about the lack of sex, that lasts for ten years? Genuinely.

I'm asking as a woman in a long term marriage, no children, who loves her husband and we are both content with not having sex anymore (my husband is 75, my interest in sex is almost non existent).
Just to add, if I EVER chose to have sex again, it wouldn't be with my husband.
Yes, he is still capable, yes, I'm much younger, yes, I do love him, but as a best friend, not somebody to fancy.

Yes, you may ask. OP remarks upon the lack of sex as clearly she misses it. I infer she fancies him, fancies having sex with him. You don’t with your husband but if you and your DH are happy in yours does it matter? I’ve been with my DH just under 50 years and we’re best friends and lovers. Each to their own @Luckyingame.

Ask him to sort the damp house out and then divorce

I mean, he sounds lazy round the house, and I couldn’t live with that, but unfortunately you only work part time in a low paid job and can’t actually support yourself, so I guess you are a bit stuck!

Do not stay for mere financial security. He seems quite happy as he is.

You wrote that he does nothing around the house other than cook which itself does not take hours on end (does he think he deserves a medal for that?!) so he was never going to do anything re. the damp course. And that indeed does need sorting out now particularly if you were to come to sell the house.

And yes people in their 50s and beyond do have sex so why did your sex life cease. You've become more like housemates than lovers or even a couple.

I wonder what your children think of you both being together. You as their parents have provided them the blueprint for their own adult relationships and they have learnt about relationships first and foremost from you. They may wonder why you are still together (you picked up on your parents unhappy marriage and your mother stayed for her own reasons) but you have a choice re your husband and you do not have to repeat what she did. They certainly pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, between you both even if they are not at home all that often.

Well for a start if you are still working part time and he is fully retired, why the hell are you still doing everything in the house apart from cooking? I’d start there before considering separation. I’d have a word with him, point out there is 1-2 days work a week (I guess) managing the house (including sorting out the damp) and tell him it is unreasonable for him to do nothing whilst you effectively do two jobs. Then stop doing more than your fair share.
I also think you fell into the classic trap of being ‘backup’ re the holiday. He agreed (presumably) to sort it, then he didn’t. No way would I do it for him if he just ignores it. He KNOWS you will. He relies on it. I’d have said at my deadline, sort it today or it is too late. If he didn’t, I would have sorted it myself and roping in a friend and going with her, or going alone. Said nothing more, then walked out the door on the day with a ‘see you next week’.
Try making him pull his weight first, this may resolve some of your problems or will at least bring them to a head. At the moment life is great for him and all on his terms whilst you are resentful and picking up the slack - why? You don’t have to anymore.

Poison in his cornflakes OP

Surely there's not that much to do around the house for two people. He cooks. You could stop doing his laundry and leave that until he gets the urge to sort it. Cleaning is as much or as little of a deal as you make it. If you want him to do certain things, tell him to or to fund a cleaner. But if you've always done it and that's been the arrangement as he paid, then it's not going to change now by osmosis.