How do you decide if a marriage is dead after nearly 35 years?

[tumpymummy]

I've been with my husband for most of my adult life, since I was 23 years, now I'm 57. We have 2 children aged 24 and 21 who have their own lives. Husband has retired 6 months ago, I enjoy my part time job so don't plan on retiring yet. Life has been good, but how do you know if we've reached the end of the road? I often wonder what he brings to the relationship, why am I still with him? Financial security is the main reason I think. When he goes away I look forward to having the house to myself. We haven't had sex for probably approx 10 years. Is this just what life is like after so many years together? He is a popular guy, we have lots of friends, but he has no get up and go. We have been in the same house for over 30 years, but it has real damp problems. I thought he would sort this out once retired. But he hasn't. He does nothing around the house, although he does cook. If anything needs doing, I have to sort it. We are going away next week. I asked him to sort a holiday a month ago, he didn't. So last week I sorted one in a few hours. Im starting to wonder what he brings to the table, apart from money. My job is low paid, I wouldn't be able to afford a place of my own unless his pension is split. I see my parents weren't happy but my mum stayed. Do I stay too, for better or for worse? Parts of our life are fun, but it feels like I do everything. Or is that just long term marriage? I have no wish to meet anyone else.

I think this ^ is good advice op. Unless you are desperate to live alone?

Staying in a house alone when you know that your other half is coming back next week, is very different to being permanently alone, when you have no expectations of other visitors day after day, night after night. It takes a lot of work to build up a successful single life. Would you like to do that?

Are you sure you are not looking to another person to make you happy? I think we can all fall in to that trap a little when we feel stuck if we are not careful, when it’s ourselves we need to examine.

Also, unlike another poster on here, I was going to say that if he cooks, that is quite a big task! Do you cook too? Or is he sole chef? Does he plan meals? Who does the food shopping? And the clearing up?

Why did you not both address the damp situation while he was working ft? Is he always “the boss” because he earns more? Will this remain the dynamic once you retire too? If so, that is incredibly frustrating. Especially if he is the boss and wants to be in control but then isn’t very active! It then becomes control for control’s sake!

If your dh has lots of friends though, then he obviously has a reasonable amount to offer others!

Do you talk and laugh together? Are you good friends? Or is he a man’s man type?

Do you still like and respect him?

My dh and I have been married for over thirty years and have faced challenges during that time but I still very much respect him as a person and feel good when I hear his key in the door! I enjoy going out with him for an evening, How about you op?

Do you have friends in common? Do you go out together with groups of friends? I’ve been married 30 + years and we enjoy going out to dinner, concerts, and walking with other couples.

If he doesn’t hang around the house that is a definite bonus!

Have you had a proper conversation with your dh about all of these issues?

Maybe give him some more time? If your adult dc are coming home for Christmas, maybe enjoy that together, really try and appreciate your dh and family, then in the NY take him away for a weekend and go for walks! I swear my dh and I have solved so many issues by just walking and talking in the nearby woods together! No phones! No distractions!

Tell him how you are feeling op. Ask him what his plans are and how he sees his future? Share your concerns but not in a blaming way. Talk about division of labour and his expectations? Then discuss yours. Discuss how you would like your future to be?

Maybe a few sessions of marital therapy would help with this?

Whatever you do op, you have to be very clear in your mind what you are doing. If you decide to stay, it has to be a positive decision.

Don’t stay with someone constantly wishing they would change and were a different person. It’s not fair on them! He is probably not going to change much after thirty or so years. No one wants to live in a relationship like that. Or where one person is permanently miserable. If you stay it has to be with a positive spirit and not with resignation. Ditto leaving!

Good luck with your decision 💐.

Why don’t you cook tonight and tell him he cleans the bathroom while you do it?
Shake things up a bit!
Sometimes life can be too predictable and comfortable iyswim.

All I can read from OP is ‘I guess’ and ‘I think’…..do they actually talk or communicate? Bonkers

I guess you need to ask yourself if you stayed with him would you regret it in 20 years... I did this and the answer was yes. I'm 54 and waiting for conditional order- long marriage. Really hard decision OP, good luck x

I’d say it was too early in the retirement to be thinking this won’t work, except… 10 years without sex? Oof. Would you like to have sex, with or without him, or are you happy enough with that?

I’d try and set things up for some real heart to heart conversations, preferably not about cleaning or pensions, or not only about them. What about doing a national trail together - the Way of the Roses? Nothing like walking all day and then sitting in a pub in front of an open fire to get a bit of honesty going. He deserves that I think.

Honestly leave while you still can - there’s an awful long way to just get more and more miserable. You can still find a new love but that will get harder each year from now.

Every relationship is different and some relationships look like this, others don't. Only you can decide whether or not this works for you. And if it doesn't but you love him and want to stay with him, there are things you can work on together if he's willing, thing you can change about your own life without necessarily leaving. You have lots of options.

If you're truly not happy but want him in your life, you can try marriage counselling, and if he won't go then you should go alone and see what you can work out on your own. If you want more excitement, you might feel more fulfilled if you spent more time with more adventurous friends rather than relying on him to join you in that part of your life (couples can have separate interests).

As for the physical, that would be something you would have to talk to him and a doctor or therapist about. He might be having physical issues preventing things, he might even be suffering from depression or low testosterone (men's hormones sometimes go wonky as they get older just like ours).

If you still love him and want to be with him, see what you can work on together to take your relationship to the next phase. If you genuinely don't want to be with him romantically anymore, then maybe it is time to consider how best to end things.