Dating, would looks put you off?

[Tamagotcher]

I've been talking to this gent, we eneded up friends online as we have mutual friends in common. He doesn't have many pictures of himself posted and the ones he does, arent recent. Hes asked me out on a date and im really undecided. I've seen more recent photographs and for all he isnt ugly hes not great looking either. This guy on paper is perfect if you go down the tick off list. good job, nice home, relationship with his kids, hes intelligent, financially stable. He so far seems to be the kind of guy who would be quite doting, and would probably do anything i asked of him. My head keeps telling me that this is exactly the type of relationship I should have, after dating really awful men in the past. The only problem is I dont find this guy sexually attractive. Am I being shallow and ridiculous? Does anyone ever get past the lack of lust? I feel awful for even writing this because I know id be saying to friends looks arent everything.

How can you really tell if you haven’t met? And it’s not just about attractive non physical qualities. Body language, voice, even smell are physical qualities that affect attractiveness, without being anything to do with looks.

It is incredibly short sighted of you to rule a man out based on that.

I don't think you should exclude him if you haven't met him in person, sometimes being in someone's presence changes things.

I look like half a potato in photos. In real life I'm much better. He might be the same, you won't know till you've seen him!

I don’t think it’s possible to tell from a few selfies but it isn’t shallow. There’s no way men would want to be with a partner they weren’t attracted to to and they wouldn’t ever question that it’s a given.

Not fundamental appearance, no. What they do with their appearance - their style - might do. I don't like sportswear, trainers, athleisurewear, bling, shaved heads, tattoos or band t-shirts featuring bands formed post 2000.

Happily I am married to someone who doesn't commit any of my personal style sins.

Yes, but the OP’s idea of ‘perfect on paper’ is also pretty short-sighted — financially stable, good job, nice home, good relationship with children, likely to fe ‘doting’ and do anything she asks. That’s not a person, that’s an absence of obvious financial or familial problems.

He can tick all the boxes in the world, but if you don't fancy him it's a bit of a dealbreaker. It's worth meeting him for a coffee to see if there's anything there, but if there's no spark it's not worth it.

You need to meet.

I wouldn't commit to a relationship if there were no attraction there, but I don't feel attracted to a 'look' in a photo. Attraction comes from a real live person. It is often about the sense of humour or the way they smile. Body language comes in to it. It's very much about something you feel.

Yes, if we met, and, for example, the person never smiled, or they had something else about them I found really off putting, then that is something to do with the way they look which would be off-putting, but if they sound nice 'on paper' I certainly wouldn't worry too much about a photo unless they had F*You tattooed across their face or something blatantly obvious

@SomeConstellationyes I see your point exactly. I think - and I speak from experience - that you look for stability as you get older over raw attraction. Sure, there has to be some attraction as other posters are suggesting, but it’s not the be all and end all. In fact, I would say friendship is the most important factor.

of course, we don’t know what OP has to offer him in return for his ‘good’ qualities

People don't need to be conventionally good looking to be attractive. Meet him and see whether there's a spark.

I think there has to be some level of physical attraction but it's not about being good looking necessarily. I would meet him and see how you feel after a few dates. If he's great company and makes you laugh, you might find that there's an attraction there!

I've had really good looking boyfriends in the past who were awfully dull, or vain or self-centred. When I met my husband, I thought he was good looking but what really made me stick around was the fact that he's kind, funny, loyal and intelligent. Looks really aren't everything and 35 years later, we're both fatter and grey haired but still have a laugh and a great time together ☺️

I don’t think it is. I think it’s important to find your partner attractive. Obviously other things matter too, but physical attraction is important imo.

I’ve been in your shoes, and felt really bad about it too, but he really grew on me and I ended up adoring him.

One to the ugliest men I ever met was when I was in my mid 20s. He was the same age and was short, skinny, balding, had an enormous hook nose, hardly any chin, and small eyes hidden in wrinkly lizard folds. Yet he was full of personality, vivid, and funny, and those little eyes twinkled with humor and joie de vivre. Everyone loved him, including women. It wasn't an act, he was just an authentic kind funny bloke. I only noticed much later that he was actually conventionally ugly when he was sitting relating a hilarious story and a beam of light through the window suddenly illuminated him in relief.

So yeah, looks don't mean a damn thing. I'd meet up and see if you like his personality, because at least for me, if that is appealing sexual attraction can grow very strongly after that.

I'd just meet him. You'll never know otherwise. People who sound great on paper turn out to be awful. People who look terrible in photos turn out to be attractive.

Are you on MAFSUK?

I will tell you my story. It's a bit long but might be pertinent.

I met a man at a party while I was on holiday in another country, and had a one night stand with him. I was fairly intoxicated and stoned (this was a long time ago!) and I didn't particularly remember every detail of the evening, or the man. I did remember he was fun and very good in the sack, but not really exactly what he looked like.

Some months later he emailed me (got my address from the mutual friend at whose party we met) and we started an occasional correspondence. The chat became more sexual over time and we started to text each other as well.

He then sent me a couple of photos of himself, they were just awful, he looked really dreadful. Just ugly, by any standard. Absolutely not my type, I thought, I had better knock this on the head before we get to the stage of meeting again because I wouldn't be attracted to him. I must have seen him through the proverbial "beer goggles" to have slept with him before.

So I faded him out and the communication gradually stopped.

Several months later I happened to be back in his country. I was stood up for a dinner by a friend one night as her babysitter was ill, and I was alone in a fancy hotel with nothing to do and a full minibar. A couple of gins later I phoned him, I can't even remember now exactly what I was thinking. He arrived at my hotel thirty minutes later. He was great, including being very attractive and sexy. We had a good night together and I flew back home to London the following day.

A few weeks later he turned up in London! He asked to stay the night, and then never left. We got married about three months later.

We have been married for over twenty years now. (His kids moved to London and we brought them up there. We also had a baby together). He still cannot take a decent photo of himself or anyone else.

Looks are literally the least interesting and, arguably, the least important aspect of a person.

Obviously, if you feel repelled by someone's looks and find them repugnant, or would be embarrassed to be seen with them, it's probably not going to work!

But just thinking they are not actively 'good looking' is unimportant in the grand scheme of things. A lot of people would be single if being 'good looking' was important for a successful relationship

And a lot of relationships would be happier if it were the only thing that mattered 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sexual attraction is about a lot more than looks, and sometimes not about them at all. A photo tells you very little.

And yet, this is how almost every single man makes dating decisions!!!

However, women are expected to behave to a different standard, with self-righteous people like you ready to put them in their place.

Our urge to couple up is very much a reproductive urge, so it's only natural that you would want to actually be sexually attracted to a male partner. I think the importance of this is greater for women than men, since we're more sensitive to feelings of disgust, and men aren't as fussy as us.

My head keeps telling me that this is exactly the type of relationship I should have, after dating really awful men in the past

This stood out to me.

Be careful of ending up with Mr Sensible that you feel like you should want to be with, rather than wanting to be with them.

Also be careful of falling in love with what a man gives you in terms of services, rather than who he is as a whole person. Those two are not the same thing. Neither do I think it's a good idea to couple up with men you don't find physically attractive.

Trouble lies in those kinds of compromises, and it's rather unlikely you'll be happy longterm with them., as well as potentially breaking their heart in the process.

Looks are one thing. Attraction is another. Luckily. Otherwise only good-looking people would ever partner up and the human race would die out.

If there is no inital attraction based purely on looks, and the attraction doesn't grow after a few dates then a relationship is doomed.

Give him a shot! Attraction can surprise you and you won't know if you're sexually attracted to him until you meet. You might have insane in-person chemistry, I've had it happen with a man that on paper isn't what I like at all physically.

Worst case scenario you go on a date and establish that you were right and you're not that into him - which is literally what dating is for!

I'll use my builder as an example here.

Bit fat.
Bald.
As with your bloke, not ugly, but certainly not attractive.
Shortish.
Looks anxious.

However, he's a lovely, lovely guy. I got to know him a bit while he was working on my house and I 100% could go for him. He's such a nice person. He's also married, so whatever. But my point is, if I'd seen him on a dating site or even met him in a pub, I would have knocked him back. But he's great.