Dating, would looks put you off?

[Tamagotcher]

I've been talking to this gent, we eneded up friends online as we have mutual friends in common. He doesn't have many pictures of himself posted and the ones he does, arent recent. Hes asked me out on a date and im really undecided. I've seen more recent photographs and for all he isnt ugly hes not great looking either. This guy on paper is perfect if you go down the tick off list. good job, nice home, relationship with his kids, hes intelligent, financially stable. He so far seems to be the kind of guy who would be quite doting, and would probably do anything i asked of him. My head keeps telling me that this is exactly the type of relationship I should have, after dating really awful men in the past. The only problem is I dont find this guy sexually attractive. Am I being shallow and ridiculous? Does anyone ever get past the lack of lust? I feel awful for even writing this because I know id be saying to friends looks arent everything.

I don’t think you can gauge sexual attraction without meeting in person.

And some people really do photograph poorly. I am one of them - in real life I am much more attractive than photos would suggest!

There are two strands to this.

First, no, it isn’t shallow to decide against pursuing a potentially romantic/sexual relationship with someone you don’t find sexually attractive. I suspect there would be fewer divorces if more women did turn down men who were ‘good on paper’ because they didn’t truly fancy them. There are so many threads on here that amount to ‘My DH is a nice guy and a good dad who works hard but our marriage is struggling because I just don’t really want to have sex with him and he gets frustrated and feels rejected and now it’s causing resentment for both of us’.

Second - while I don’t think relationships work if you don’t find them sexually attractive, I also don’t think you can really gauge sexual attraction from a few pictures. Someone’s voice, mannerisms, the way they look at you, their laugh, their different facial expressions and their general physical presence make a massive difference. I would not have fancied my DP from nothing but photos and messages. We met at work and got on very well, so we developed a rapport, basically - but his actual looks didn’t set me on fire. It was more the way he moved, spoke, behaved, caught my eye, interacted with other people etc. I remember after I’d worked with him for a while and watching the way he leaned back in his chair with one arm tucked behind his head and rolled his eyes at me when he was having a phone conversation with a difficult colleague that we both hated and thinking “Oh… I think I might fancy this man…”

So I would say meet him and see if there’s an attraction in person. But if there isn’t - don’t kid yourself that you can have a sexual relationship with someone you don’t want to have sex with.

My partner is awful at taking photos of himself. He's absolutely gorgeous 6'3 and I love his voice, his hands and what a great musician and cook he is. He's extremely kind, patient and non judgemental. I wouldn't be able to tell any of those things from a bad photo!!

You don't actually know if you will be attracted to him yet, because you haven't met him.

Of course, if you meet him and you aren't attracted to him after a couple of dates, then it's not worth pursuing.

He would do anything you asked of him? I think it is staff you need to apply for not look for a boyfriend.

meet him and see.
on the one hand attraction is really complicated and based on a range of factors. It’s really hard to tell until you meet them in the flesh.
on the other hand, I met a guy for a date I thought was perfect for me and meeting him face to face killed it in seconds. I was gutted. He was a great person in every way. Urgh!

I think he’s worth a date with all the good points, people come across very differently irl, also not everyone is model photogenic. Some men I’ve met online have been good looking in a photo, only to find it was particularly flattering, and not so good looking or no spark, other men I’ve met in real life that I’ve fancied, if I just went by photo I probably wouldn’t of met them.