Can you ever go back to an emotionally abusive marriage?

[OutAnAboutToday]

I left my husband this year and we are now sharing custody of our children. I left due to EA behaviours from my husband but mainly the worst instances were when the DC were very young/babies. I left due to being unable to move past how he treated/spoke to me verbally in those early days.

Ex has never acknowledged how badly he treated me and in our marriage took the attitude of sticks and stones may break my bones etc. He said he was brought up to hurt the person in an argument as much as possible and that words are meaningless.

We are now in a no man’s land of whether to have a trail separation or plough on with the divorce.

He had stopped name calling in arguments for the last few years and had grown up a bit. But it was my inability to forgive the horrible names and other things.

He says he still loves me and he just wants me home now but then says he knows it is not that simple.

Is it possible to have a clean slate with much work on both sides to communicate better and can one ever move past emotional abuse?

He used to say horrible things about my parenting and said things like useless woman, retard, imbecile etc. He has admitted to treating me badly and acting like a dick. He stopped name calling after we briefly split in 2020. Things were ok when I left, we got on and there was fewer fights. It was more about his past behaviours.

So is it possible with counselling and self reflection to build the relationship up again?

Well I did but gradually he slid back to his old ways. Different but still abusive and I finally left for good 4 years later. Been on my own 8 years now and nothing would persuade me back again

Why would you want to go back to someone who said such HORRID things to you and treated you so badly?

Also, why do we have to forgive abusive behaviour. It changes how we view that person, it erodes trust and respect and is just a shitty shitty life to live.

We don't need to forgive and forget and carry on.

You need to move on for yourself. For your life. For your self esteem.

That's all without even touching on your kids. They don't need to see this sort of relationship dynamic.

Why do you want to go back? Sounds utterly depressing for you and your DC

In answer to your last paragraph in your initial post the answer is no.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. It is also not a relationship issue.

If you went back you will be abused by him again. He does this because he can. If you look at his parents one of them likely acts similarly.

People don't change.

Enjoy your freedom and move on.

Absolutely not. Never consider it.
I wouldn’t even want to be with someone who could treat someone this way at anytime, especially postpartum and especially using words like retard.

Forget him.

He would need years of therapy and even then it could well not be successful. This is ingrained within him. Abusers are generally not open to therapy and doing joint counselling with your abuser is not recommended. You are not safe enough to undertake any joint sessions with him also because he could manipulate the counsellor into taking his side. No decent counsellor would ever want to counsel the two of you together.

Never go back. It tells them that you will tolerate their behaviour. They don't change. Keep going.

You'll never get that time back op. His behaviour and treatment of you overshadowed your life and early motherhood

Why would you want to subject yourself - AND THE DC - to that ever again?

Of course you can go back, as long as your eyes are wide open to the fact that he won’t change, and you’ll be going back to how it was before.

Plus your kids will be old enough now to see and hear this man belittling you, emotionally abusive, and think this is ok.

So your call OP

He will only get worse. Stay away, no contact nothing. He is bad for you, you need some one good for you and care

Do you know why you'd even consider going back?
Is it convenience of not having to get a divorce?
Is it guilt?
Is it that you've learned tot systematically downplay your own feelings and minimise the hurt others have caused you?

Or is it because you love him (not his potential, the actual him)?

And if you would go back, are you aware that you're acting on a hypothetical situation? You ask, "can you go back with lots of counselling and hard work and self reflection?" What makes you believe he'd be willing to do that? Isn't this just wishful thinking?

It’s the pull of the family unit that makes me want to consider going back. All of us being together and yes I do miss H despite all he has done or said. He blows hot and cold still and one minute he is reasonable saying that he would like us to try again and he would work hard to make any changes necessary and the next he says that I would need to make monumental changes if we were to try again, he says as an afterthought that he would make some changes too.

He changes between texting almost romantic messages to telling me how I have destroyed the family and destroyed all our lives.

Sounds like he’s still being abusive & manipulative, telling you it’s all your fault, it’s you that needs to make the changes, deflection, lacking accountability, he’s just testing you to see how much you’ll put up with. If you go back he’ll quickly slip back to his old ways. Abusers don’t change. No chance id go back.

Thanks. He still says that I left for no reason, that the people he works with think it’s ridiculous and even our children (he has told them all exactly why I left apparently)think the reasons are stupid. Don’t get me started on how inappropriate it is for him to be discussing intimate details of our marriage with our children. I’ve never bad mouthed him and have kept the reasons vague, Mum and Dad are happier living apart etc.

He keeps saying I’ve massively exaggerated the whole thing and his mother despises me now.

Then you have to ask yourself exactly why you are considering even giving this another go. Because he is minimising his part to play in this & using all the usual DARVO tactics on you. Do not enter relationship counselling with this man, where there is a history of abuse, counselling is not recommended. he’ll have you believing this is all your fault & you have overreacted & probably charm any counsellor to be on side with him. I don’t see any signs this man has changed his ways.

Please don't go back. I left a similar situation last year and stupidly let myself be talked back 5 months later. I moved back in, I felt guilty for causing so much trouble as he was on best behaviour when I'd left. Things were good for a few months then life happens and I am sat here 6 months later wishing I hadn't wasted another year of my life and having to go through the process of moving out and the heartbreak all over again. He's still blaming you (exactly what my partner did) and it might not be as bad as it was before but I guarantee his behaviour will slip and you'll feel the same as you did before you left this time.

Another one strongly echoing please please don’t go back. I also gave my abusive ex a second chance and now am having to take out a non mol order on him, I know that’s extreme but these things do seem to be escalate in a very negative way 😔

Don’t go back. Don’t go back. He is still abusing and controlling you, and you still can’t see the full extent of it. Monumental changes… my arse… 🙄

Don’t do it. He’s an abusive piece of shit. You were right the first time. Stay well away and divorce.

@OutAnAboutToday There are countless numbers of single men who would like to have a relationship with someone. Why go back to an abusive partner instead of finding someone nice?

Thanks. We tried to talk today and he says things like our child thinks that his Dad never stood up to me and always did what I wanted. He also mentioned a holiday that he took our kid on and how I didn’t give him any spending money (he asked our child on the holiday - did mum give you any spending money?) it feels like it was done to make me look bad - ex had converted all the money and I take DS away on my own and sort all costs too. It’s the little things but it felt like it was said to make me look bad. It’s subtle.

As an IDVA, I'd say it sounds like he's very far from taking accountability and making any changes. If he is blaming you, then it will be your problem to put right once you're back there. I echo a PP that couples counselling is a terrible idea, but there are perpetrator programmes he could look into if he's interested.

As someone who was once in a very similar position, I can only tell you what my psychologist said to me (and I was only seeing her because of what the relationship had done to me) - that if I go back I would have to be prepared for the punishment that would eventually come for having left him in the first place, making him feel bad, making him believe he might have been at fault, etc. etc. etc. She was so right, and every time I recalled it her words it was like a bucket of cold water. It would have been a honeymoon period for a bit, but the punishment would have come, I've no doubt.