Overbearing MIL

[autumnalgal]

I had my DD 3 weeks ago, this is my second DC but my first with my current partner.

His Mum has always wanted a daughter and when she found out we were expecting, made it very clear from the beginning that she hoped so much for a little girl. We then found out we were having our DD! She was thrilled and has been borderline obsessed since. She wouldn’t leave me alone during my pregnancy! I was messaged almost daily asking for pictures of my bump and she wanted to see us all the time. She has bought so many things for her house, almost kitting out a full bedroom for DD. She also sent a Fathers Day card to DP from our unborn DD in June, which really upset me.

When DD was born, she has been worse. She came to meet her the day she was born and massively overstayed her welcome. In the end, I had to go upstairs with DD and asked DP to ask them to leave as it had been hours and they kept asking if we could all have a take-away. I just wanted to rest as I had only given birth that morning.

A few days later, they came to visit again and we told them to please stay no longer than 2 hours which we felt was very generous. FIL turned up with beers and watched football on his phone while MIL wanted to constantly hold DD and undermined me a lot by highlighting how amazing Daddy is and saying things like, “Daddy can do it” whenever I went to get my DD. If she cried, they would be hesitant to hand her back making comments like, “we know what we are doing” and despite the two hour visiting boundary, they stayed for 3 hours which MIL thought was funny when she noticed and FIL commented he “won’t have a time limit on how long he can see his Grandchild!”

MIL still messages me multiple times a day and when I was visiting my DM and she found out, she then messaged my DM saying how much she loved their granddaughter. She wants to visit us multiple times a week, she plasters pictures of DD all over Facebook, she sent a pic of DD to her entire address book after she had been born and she created a FB group with me and DP and often requests we send her videos or pictures of DD or asks for frequent updates. We also get told we need to thank certain members of their family if they give us a gift for DD, which is something we are very good at and don’t need telling.

They’ve already started discussing family holidays next year, events they want to attend with us and even invited themselves to the Pumpkin Patch for my birthday last week.

I have found this all overwhelming and I am struggling to enjoy these early weeks with my beautiful DD. I am constantly anxious about the next time we see her or I hear from her. I am also quite anxious about DD being out of my arms for too long. I am EBF and my hormones are still a bit all over but being around DP family is adding to it.

I am not sure why I am posting this to be honest, I am just so overwhelmed and can feel that this may come between myself and DP. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

This a DP problem to resolve. It’s his mum and she’s massively overstepping and ruining a special time for you and your family.

She's excited, but could easily end up seriously damaging her relationship with you if she doesn't settle it down. DH needs to explain to her that you need to make sure youre having time alone as a family unit to settle into things.

Have a conversation with DP. Something like "I'm feeling quite overwhelmed and kind of defensive about your mum. I want us to get this right though, can we talk it through and make sure you and I are on the same team and tackling every issue together?". Tell him you appreciate his support and aren't trying to vilify his mum, it's just the balance needs to be right and at the moment it isn't and is getting very stressful for you and you need his help.

Maybe have a think about what you would each like family life to look like (including how it interacts with his mum), and how you can both make that happen.

Basically, it's easy to make her the focus of this, but she actually isnt, shes just a challenge in your relatiohsip that you as a couple need to work out how to navigate. He needs to step up and then you and your DP need to work together to set the paradigm you want. I hope he sees that and decides to support you so you can set healthy ground rules together. I do think your approach with him is key as it will be easy to become a row that feels unresolvable if he gets defensive and feels the need to side with his mum rather than pull together and make sure you feel safe and prioritised (sadly happens a lot). So i would try and go down the patient problem solving route rather than an accusatory one. But he does need to step up pronto.

Honestly that sounds absolutely suffocating. Your husband needs to step up and support you. Also you need to be much firmer. It sounds horrendous.

Fuck that! Time to lose your shit. Very clear boundaries. Explain that you find it intrusive and need physical and mental space. You need time to bond as a family unit and she is overstepping. You want to have your bday with just DH and baby. You will no longer be answering a million messages a day or providing FB fodder.

At least she willingly admitted she was looking forward to a girl. My immature child of a MIL had 3 boys, 4 grandsons and when we were expecting our little girl she started acting really childish and stroppy and acted completely disinterested when she was born and was doing this weird thing of purposely fawning over the boys. Kept also protesting how she never wanted girls and preferred boys. I think it must have been some completely immature jealousy that deep down she would have liked a DD. Oddest woman I've ever met in my life. I'll never understand her behaviour (I've tried) . As a side note if anyone can analyse that weird behaviour!?

Sorry, I needed to get that out!

Distance is key. Healthy boundaries. Start being available only on your terms and saying "no" now and again. Don't answer messages immediately, leave some unanswered for a few hours. Don't do a big "talk" or showdown: it'll backfire. Speak with your actions.

Clear hard boundaries now. Tell your husband either he tells his mum to back off (and don't let him throw you under the bus by saying shit like 'oh it's not me mum, it's her' etc). Tell him that either he tells her or you will and you won't be nice about it. Her visits are once a week going forward and that's it. She stays for 2 hours and leaves. No ifs and or buts. This is important time that you will never get back.

My MIL was an absolute rotter when I was pregnant to the point I was hospitalised with panic attacks. I had to put a lot of boundaries in place. Thankfully I no longer have to see her but god she was awful.

She sounds like an overbearing nightmare. Your partner needs to speak to her and make her understand that she seriously needs to back off.
The telling you to thank people struck a chord with me- my MIL used to tell me to say thank you, till the day I'd had enough and said I didn't need anyone to tell me to say thank you, as I'd been brought up to have good manners and always thanked people. That went down like a lead balloon.

I wouldn't be able to live with that bollocks at all. She is far too intense and unhinged. Your FIL is no better.

Your DP needs to tell them in no uncertain terms to back right off and shut the fuck up. If they won't then you will have to be prepared to shut off contact with them, or only keep it at an extremely low level.

They seem not to understand or have any concept of boundaries. So impose some.

Firstly, I would block her phone number and on any social media and messaging apps. Your mother and any other of your family and friends should also do so otherwise she will always be able to find a way through.

Secondly, I'd agree that they can visit once or twice a month (or preferably less) and that if they started any of this nonsense and/or outstayed their welcome then even that would be withdrawn.

Thirdly, but just as importantly, remind them in no uncertain terms that DD is YOUR baby, not theirs, and that as grandparents they have no automatic rights here. They are not her parents and will not be allowed influence.

Fourthly, there is absolutely no way on this earth that I would go on a holiday with them and nor would my child.

They are cheeky fuckers. Totally unhinged. Don't let them trample all over you. You are DD's parents so you make the decisions, not them.

Mine wasn't quite as bad as yours but was still overbearing & DH couldn't set boundaries with his Mummy if his life depended on it.

I had to lose my shit before it was (sort of) resolved. Good Luck!

You poor thing. Your partner needs to tell her to back the fuck up. She’s way out of line and treating you like a brood mare that’s just given her a fancy gift. Your PIL sound vile and grabby and your daughter isn’t her property. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this when you’ve only just given birth. I already despise your PIL and I don’t know them from Adam

You only need to say one thing to your dp “either you control your mother or I will and my way won’t be pretty”.

If she has a key, change the lock.

Nope. You need to put boundaries in now. Stop replying to messages.

my MIL started with some of these behaviours when I was pregnant, also my second but my DH’s first (no where near as bad as yours). My DH spoke to her and made it clear we would be having 2 weeks at home just the 4 of us once I had given birth. He made it clear some of the things she was doing and saying were unacceptable and if she continued she wouldn’t be seeing DS.

Your DP needs to step up and support you. It won’t get better unless he does.

I’ve experienced similar. Keep up the breastfeeding OP, you’re doing great. I found that having something only I could do (feeding baby) was crucial in keeping mentally well during that time. If PIL are wanting to hold DD a lot, do make sure you’re keeping firm boundaries about having her back for regular feeds. Otherwise it’s a slippery slope with baby not putting on weight. Going to another room to nurse her is the ideal excuse to get some breathing space and much needed bonding time, I found.

Jeez that's a bit strong. They aren't monsters.

Wider family also need to bond with children.

You just need some healthy boundaries, not machine guns in turrets ffs.

Your baby doesnt need you feeling stressed. She doesn’t understand words so your whole emotional state is transmitted through your body so you need to be calm, happy and rested for her to feel secure. Do what ever it takes to create the best emotional experience for your DD.

Calmly get your DH on side. Tackle this together.

Boundaries ageeed between you which are communicated clearly with most importantly deadlines/expectations and consequences. Then enact them - actions not words.

The texts I would tell her that I will respond twice a week. Visits would be twice a month for 2hrs. I would make this a coffee shop / park etc so you can leave to go home after 2hrs.

I would tell her that you already have holiday plans as a family of 4.

Please don’t worry about her ‘kicking off’ - the waterworks, the flounce, the am drama are all a choice and the threat of volatility is there to control you and get what you want. These character types are very cliched and predictable everyone knows one - just stand calm
and firm in your decisions - tell them once, confirm once and then take a physical action, walk away, end the call etc.

These days and weeks are precious for the 4 of you. Don’t let it fester. Don’t let it anger you or give it the finite emotional energy, time and headspace that you need elsewhere right now.

Nip it in the bud. Politely communicate boundaries, deadlines/expectations and consequences.

Get ahead of her. Have your plans already made for Xmas, birthdays etc the way you want and then slot her in.

Put her on an information diet - the pumpkin patch was a wake up call. Don’t tell her stuff.

Your man is key here; what does he think of his parents behaviour?. He needs to speak to his parents quite forcefully here and the two of you need to present a united front. I hope he is not a mouse when it comes to his mother in particular in that he cannot/will not confront her because he is that afraid of her?. Has he said things like, "oh you know what she is like, she means well" etc yada yada. He's grown up with them and could well see their behaviour as normal.

You are this child's parents and she needs you both to guide her. Not all relatives are nice and kind and some of them are indeed overbearing like your in-laws are. Such behaviour which was always there really comes to the fore when they become grandparents themselves.

You need firm but consistently applied boundaries. What is and is not acceptable to you here?. Decide on this and go from there.

Reading Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward could also be helpful.

Children need emotionally healthy role models and both in-laws here do not fit the bill. It's all about what they want regardless; he says that he will not have a time limit on how long he can see his grandchild and his wife wants another go at playing mummy again. She's always wanted a daughter and now she thinks she has one in the shape of OPs child.

You are the parents; what you say goes. You do not have to go on holiday with them either; start saying the words no this does not work for us consistently.

I'd simply ignore the constant texts.

Agree this is for DP to solve - you need to lose your shit with him, OP. Do mot suffer in silence.

Thank you all, so much! Many things for me to ponder over here.

I spoke to DP about this a couple of weeks ago and explained how I was feeling. I was calm and pitched it as us being a team and setting boundaries would keep my relationship with his Mum intact. He agreed but I could tell he was uncomfortable. When I brought up the Father’s Day card back in June, I asked him to speak to his Mum about not doing that and he has avoided it entirely. Still to this day he hasn't brought it up to her. I can tell he’s worried about upsetting his Mum because whenever she’s confronted on something, she gets very upset and ignores everyone for days.

I often feel like I can’t do this.

Dave, I've told you how upset I am by your parents' overbearing behaviour. In the first instance I have talked to you about it so that we can approach it together but you seem more worried about upsetting your mum than upsetting me, the recently post-partum mother of your child.

I am becoming really anxious about their behaviour and your failure to have my back here. I'm going to mute your mum and dad on my phone for now; you can explain to them that I'm very tired because of the baby and need a complete break from everyone for a minimum of a fortnight.

Let me know what you think are reasonable boundaries to put in place after that and we can discuss how things will look going forward. I'm going to start booking things for Christmas soon and while I'm happy to attend some things as an extended family I'd like some things to be just us four. You let me know which events are priorities for your parents to be invited to.

(And have a read of Boundaries With In-Laws by Cloud & Townsend.)

Have you recovered enough from surgery yet to run far, far away?

Seriously, I think your DH needs to talk to his parents and explain that it’s too much.

your dh is uncomfortable because it’s his mum you’re trying to get to stay away, would you like him to say to you he’d rather not see your min? She’s excited about a new arrival, her sending a Father’s Day to her son isn’t a big deal and her being excited isn’t the drama everyone is making it out to be, in the future you’ll welcome the help with childcare!!! Congratulations on the new arrival :)

Yes she is using her volatility to control people as I explained in my previous post.

This is very abusive behaviour that your DH has been subjected to likely his whole life.

Couple of options.

1. You encourage and support him to learn about toxic behaviours and how to calmly front up to such characters with boundaries, deadlines and consequences so that he can deal directly and efficiently with his mother.
2. You role model for him what it looks like if he doesn’t step up ONCE and you don’t have time in the moment to address.
3. You give him a boundary, deadline and consequence to action and then you follow through.
4. This has to be addressed instantly and consistently for the benefit of your new family unit - he needs to understand, respect and support this team effort. He needs to address his fears and treat her like the weather - a bad storm passing by but it will either blow over or be locked out!

Also call him out that not dealing with his Mum is self serving - that he is putting his own minor discomfort over your emotional wellbeing and MH. You are very vulnerable to PND at this stage and he needs to support and protect you right now.

Nip it all in the bud.

I dont want to project here but please dont be afraid to say no, ignore calls texts and speak up when you need to. Your DP needs to step in to this , trust me I have been here and I know its alot easier said than done! If you dont set the boundaries now it will get worse. I was told it would all calm down once the excitement was over but that wasn't the case, my 3 year old daughter absolutely idolises my MIL but it has come along with ALOT of issues for us to deal with with our dd. Ive just had another baby and I am more prepared this time. I actually just said to my DP after spending the afternoon with DD & MIL that I feel like ive lost my daughter to her. I dont exist to my dd i am like a bystander when MIL is around as she always took over with her and wouldn't allow me to be mum. Its sad and sounds ridiculous but feel its too late to do anything about it although i tried. When my DP spoke up one time there was hell up, we were gaslit and bombarded for weeks with nasty messages no matter how nicely we went around it. we wasnt respected at all. Dont let this happen to you

I often feel like I can’t do this.

Because you can’t. You are recovering from birth, your hormones are everywhere, you and DH are getting to know your darling baby and need to get to know yourselves as your new little family.

OK, MIL is excited and enthusiastic: fine. She also plays manipulative games (sulking after an upset) and has no sensitivity, outstaying her welcome etc. And making passive aggressive comments about time limits.

I would have an attack of screaming abdabs. At your DH. Burst into tears , say you can’t cope with the constant messages and photos requests and you want your birthday to be you, him and your baby. And you need peace, quiet, time on your own and with DH with your baby. And he needs to tell his Mum to keep control of her excitement and give you some time and space or you will go to your Mum’s for the week.