Me and baby unexpectedly left

[BinNightTonight]

My partner completely unexpectedly (in my view) walked out on me and our baby almost 3 weeks ago. Everything was fine, we had petty words due to exhaustion, and then he packed a bag and left, while I (shamefully) was crying and begging him to stay and talk to me.

Since then, hes barely been in contact, despite our baby being in hospital on two occasions and it being their first birthday. He always appeared to be a very loving, hands on father and everyone who knew him thought he was an "amazing" dad. He was, or seemed to be, very close to the baby, saying how the baby is all that matters, the best thing to ever happen to him etc and he did show that in his actions everyday.

Following my maternity leave we made a joint decision for me to leave my job and cancel our nursery place, he was extremely encouraging of this. So now I am left with no job or nursery place. Since hes left I've discovered he wasnt paying some/a lot of the bills he told me he was paying and we are in lots of debt, CCJ, baliffs involved etc. I had no idea about this, however as I am still in our privately rented property I am liable for these debts, as it was things like council tax. It also means I am giving up our/my car as its in my name and I can no longer afford it, that adds onto "my" debts. When he left he went onto my banking and sent himself 1k.

I messaged his ex partner who advised he had left her in a similar position and everything he has told me about his past and relationship history has been a lie. He also has used drugs while in our relationship 2 years ago, which he vehemently denied, but i rightly or wrongly messaged his old colleague who confirmed, as i did have some suspicions a few years ago.

I just dont know how i begin to process this? I have spoken lots and lots with family and friends who are very helpful, but i am sick of burdening them and I have used the Relationship board in the past and found it helpful. I have NC for this. I feel like I've discovered something new everyday and cant explain the shock, at all the lies, the situation hes left me in and most of all, him not bothering with our baby! When he does get in touch its to threaten solicitors, but hes not actually checked in, didnt message happy birthday or send a card, hasnt been to visit and it's feeling more and more like hes doing a runner from it all, including our baby.

I'm absolutely heartbroken, I didnt expect this from him at all, he seemed like the best dad and family man, everything was 50/50, he did everything for us/me, or so it felt like. He really was as involved in everything as me, so I dont understand how he can do this. I am coping okay, better than I would have thought, I just did not expect to be a single parent 11 months in. Ive applied for CMS, however they cant locate him.

Thanks all, any support or insight would be invaluable, im sure I've missed loads, but its also cathartic typing it out.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Looks as though he has a history of not being honest and you trusted him, probably because he has got very good at lying. Firstly, debts in his name are his debts only.

You need to take action on the joint debts and your own personal ones as the priority. Don't give up your car just yet. Speak to Citizens Advice as a matter of urgency. They can help with speaking to those organisations and people you owe money to and putting payment plans in place. You need to tell the council there is only you now and get single person's discount. You will be entitled to some benefits as a single parent with no income, but you should look into a nursery place for your child and a job for you.

If he took money from your account, not a joint one, then you can try pursuing him to get it back. Tells you a lot about the man that he has taken money which would help his child from its mother. I.e. his actions show you who he is.

You need to secure your bank account and report the £1k theft to the police.

As for the debts, some will be in joint names so speak to those companies but others will be his name. Speak to a money/debt advice service and see what they recommend. It could be that they will suggest a repayment plan or talk you through the practicalities of an IVA.

Have you also applied for benefits as you are now a single parent? And child support.

That sounds horrible, the processing will come in time but right now you need to use the detached feeling to get you through securing your future for you and baby. That's your brains way of protecting you.

Talk to your bank and report the £1000 as stolen. You did not give consent for it to be taken, it doesn't matter if you were previously in a relationship with the thef

Talk to every bill or debt holder, explain the situation and ask to go on an affordable payment plan. Even if only £5 a moths, it shows willingness to pay and means they shouldn't pursue you further.

Make sure you are receiving all benefits you are entitled to.

Speake to gingerbread (single parents charity), they might be able to signpost other help.

Thank you, I've spoken to a debt charity and will be getting an IVA 😔 Some of them are at baliff stage (council tax) and one at CCJ stage (water) They are in our joint name unfortunately. I am so angry that he is just getting away from it while I'm raising our baby single handedly and hes left me in the shit massively.

I cant afford the car, we leased a nice car 2 years ago and its just too much for me on my own.

Ive applied for UC just to get me through next month, but im also looking for jobs and a nursery, which feels impossible given everything else im already sorting, while looking after a 12 month old alone! The nursery i originally chose only has 2 days a week availability from June 2026.

I've applied for child support but they're unable to locate him. He hasnt sent me a single penny, even a couple of quid for a bottle of milk. Its all just such a massive mess.

I'm so sorry OP, what a horrible shock to find out that he's not who you thought he was at all. It's no wonder you're reeling and trying to make sense of it all. Sadly, he is obviously a practiced liar and is now showing his true character.

On a practical note, have you spoken to Citizen's Advice about the financial situation and debt? They may be able to refer you to agencies that can help you. On the job front, are there family members that can help out with childcare? Or you could look for a childminder if you've missed out on a nursery place. Getting back to work, even if part time, will give you more agency over your life and some outside focus. Wishing you and baby all the best, you sound sensible and strong and you will get through this! You are much better off without him even if it doesn't feel like it right now 💐

Thank you, my parents are looking at how to condense their hours at work so they can help with childcare.

Practically, I do feel I have most things in order/a plan of what to do (looking for a job in a school) I just emotionally and psychologically dont know how to process this and move on? The past few years of my life has been a lie, I cant even look at a photo of him, he feels like a stranger. I dont get how someone could do this to their child, who they lived with and seemed to have a very close, loving bond with?

He isn’t a brilliant father, he’s a total waste of space and energy.
Focus all your love and attention on your baby and getting through each day and you’ll be absolutely fine without him. You’ll look back and know he’s lost a huge opportunity but that’s on him. Do not chase him.

Wow what a colossal piece of shit. Well that's a very valuable lesson learned, leaving your job and cancelling nursery while you were financially blind was wild. Not blaming you of course but for the future, no matter how much you love and trust someone never do so blindly. People lie about money all the time.

Sounds as though you never really knew the real him and it was all just an act - I have no idea why or how people do this but it's awful and I'm sorry it's happened to you.

Use the support you have, don't even worry about being a bother. If my friend or sister or whatever was good through this I'd want to help in whatever way I could.

In terms of dealing with it, you just need to give yourself time. It sounds trite but it really is the best healer - keep yourself busy, focus on your lovely baby (I hope they're doing ok after their hospital visits!) and slowly it'll start to hurt less and less. Until one day you'll see him and feel nothing at all.

Yeah, I definitely have messed up by trusting him and leaving my job/cancelling nursery, he just said its absolutely fine, he wanted me to stay home, I knew his exact wage and that we would manage on that, he got a new job a few months ago that covered my wage, he was/is a good earner. I obviously just didnt know he wasnt paying what he said he was. I'll never be so stupid again, I cant imagine trusting someone again full stop, nevermind enough to give up my job.

Everyone thought he was a brilliant dad, from the moment he found out i was pregnant to the morning he left. Its not just me sitting here like yeah its a shock, and everyone around me thought he was a dick, everyone thought he was amazing. Of course i know now he wasnt, but that just hurts so much, how amazing he seemed, and how it must have all been an act.

OP I'm so sorry, what a massive shock for you.

As soon as I read this:
"Since hes left I've discovered he wasnt paying some/a lot of the bills he told me he was paying and we are in lots of debt"
I immediately though he's been using and covering his arse and as soon as he was about to get found out, he's legged it, leaving you literally holding the baby.

You then mentioned the drugs in the next paragraph. I suspect he's been using more and more, probably since the baby was born. Big life events often have a way of prompting an addict to relapse or for recreational use to morph into a major habit.

You sound very switched on and I have no doubt you'll be able to handle the practical and financial side of things. Emotionally this is an awful betrayal, but you WILL get through it. Lean on your friends, your parents, anyone you can. Be totally honest with them and allow them to help you. Addicts are very manipulative and excellent liars - please don't blame yourself for not seeing this side of him until now. It sounds like he took in everyone else. Absolute user, in more ways than one.

POLICE is the first thing you need to do!!!! He’s STOLEN £1000 from you!! Also contact your bank and see if they can help pull it back from him? Even if it leaves him £1000 in overdraft

Are you married to him?

We arent married.

With regards to the drugs, I've actually bought drugs tests and swabbed pretty much my entire house (but mainly his office, where he worked and gamed) and there are no traces of drugs anywhere (thankfully) It seems he was doing coke when he went on his nights out (around 4 times a year) So I dont know if that explains where all his money was going?

Do you know where this alleged job is @BinNightTonight ?
Any wage slips around?
That will help CMS and debt agencies.

He had absolutely no right to your money. Report it to your bank and to the police.
He is most likely staying at a friend’s or his parents - don’t give up on getting maintenance from him.
Im very sorry OP.
You couldn’t have seen this coming.

I know his jobs address and gave it to CMS like 2 weeks ago, ive heard nothing since. I wont give up on that side of things though.

His parents are dead (i know for sure his mum is, unsure about his dad as he told me had but now the circumstances are too suspicious, but they werent in contact anyway) and he has no friends, when we were together I believed all his woe is me stories about them and why I wouldn't want to meet them, and his sister too. Turns out hes just burned all his bridges with everyone continually asking and borrowing money from them.

He is 4.5 hours away in the town where his job is I believe (he got a new job about 5/6 months ago, he mostly WFH and commuted down there sometimes, we'd go with him too)

I just feel absolutely devastated, I dont know why he isnt contacting me re our amazing baby. He walks now, his dad has never seen him walk. I am so angry at him for doing this, leaving me in the shit like this.

Report him to the police for accessing your bank without your permission! That's financial abuse and theft.

The issue is, I did give him my phone. He said he'd paid rent for November and was transferring it back since he wasnt going to be living here. It was only after, it transpired he had paid October's rent a month late and hadnt paid Novembers at all, and he also took £400 more than our rent. Thats still theft though, isnt it? He knows i have absolutely no income, I dont know why he felt it was appropriate to take that money from our child, as they're the only thing I spend money on!

Move any money you have to a new account asap. Use new passwords/pins. Use a different bank. Also change your email. Painful, but worth it.

Thank you, he only had access to my banking app via my phone, he couldnt access it from his phone at all.

Register for Single Adult discount on your council tax.
Check your credit report to see if he's borrowed money in your name.
Get a water meter if you're not already on one. One less person in the house will mean less water used.

Just wanted to say he is a complete shit and you are right to feel as you do. Be kind to yourself, put you and baby first. Lean on any family and friends who are near. Definitely report the theft to the police!! Gingerbread are a brilliant organisation for single parents and could help you. Big hug xxx

You said you know where he works as you used to go down with him? Can't they use this to get child support?

Thank you all ❤️

@ozarina Ive given CMS his work address after they advised they were unable to locate him. They said they were writing to his work, I haven't heard anything since, this was around 2 weeks ago, or more. I will be keeping on at them if they try to close the case, I spoke to a solicitor re custody (hes obviously not interested, but kept threatening to see a solicitor, so I saw one) who said they could take the money direct from source, ie his wage.

Ive applied to the council for the single person discount and have got a list of all our debts that I am liable to pay, as they were in our joint names.

Just so fucking sad and angry. Thought id hit the jackpot with him, he did everything for us. The day before we had such a lovely day, I dont know how to process what hes done. It'll be 3 weeks tomorrow since hes had contact with our child, after seeing them every single day, cuddling them all night (they cosleep), playing with them all evening, taking them for their swimming lessons, cooking us all our food. I'll never understand the change. It's hard being a single parent.