Me and baby unexpectedly left

[BinNightTonight]

My partner completely unexpectedly (in my view) walked out on me and our baby almost 3 weeks ago. Everything was fine, we had petty words due to exhaustion, and then he packed a bag and left, while I (shamefully) was crying and begging him to stay and talk to me.

Since then, hes barely been in contact, despite our baby being in hospital on two occasions and it being their first birthday. He always appeared to be a very loving, hands on father and everyone who knew him thought he was an "amazing" dad. He was, or seemed to be, very close to the baby, saying how the baby is all that matters, the best thing to ever happen to him etc and he did show that in his actions everyday.

Following my maternity leave we made a joint decision for me to leave my job and cancel our nursery place, he was extremely encouraging of this. So now I am left with no job or nursery place. Since hes left I've discovered he wasnt paying some/a lot of the bills he told me he was paying and we are in lots of debt, CCJ, baliffs involved etc. I had no idea about this, however as I am still in our privately rented property I am liable for these debts, as it was things like council tax. It also means I am giving up our/my car as its in my name and I can no longer afford it, that adds onto "my" debts. When he left he went onto my banking and sent himself 1k.

I messaged his ex partner who advised he had left her in a similar position and everything he has told me about his past and relationship history has been a lie. He also has used drugs while in our relationship 2 years ago, which he vehemently denied, but i rightly or wrongly messaged his old colleague who confirmed, as i did have some suspicions a few years ago.

I just dont know how i begin to process this? I have spoken lots and lots with family and friends who are very helpful, but i am sick of burdening them and I have used the Relationship board in the past and found it helpful. I have NC for this. I feel like I've discovered something new everyday and cant explain the shock, at all the lies, the situation hes left me in and most of all, him not bothering with our baby! When he does get in touch its to threaten solicitors, but hes not actually checked in, didnt message happy birthday or send a card, hasnt been to visit and it's feeling more and more like hes doing a runner from it all, including our baby.

I'm absolutely heartbroken, I didnt expect this from him at all, he seemed like the best dad and family man, everything was 50/50, he did everything for us/me, or so it felt like. He really was as involved in everything as me, so I dont understand how he can do this. I am coping okay, better than I would have thought, I just did not expect to be a single parent 11 months in. Ive applied for CMS, however they cant locate him.

Thanks all, any support or insight would be invaluable, im sure I've missed loads, but its also cathartic typing it out.

Practically can you afford to stay in the house if you get a job? Is it in both your names? You might need to walk away from it if not and maybe move in with your parents for a while whilst you get sorted is that a possibility? I’ve been a lone parent for 16 years, I know how daunting it sounds but once you get up and running it’s fine.

@jeaux90 I dont know if I can afford it really, my parents have actually had their house valued and are looking to see whether a suitable one comes on that we could move into with them (somewhere maybe with a more separate area for when we all want our own space) but I would love to keep my little home and independence if possible. I am going to feel very isolated without a car though. We split the bills here, so I paid things like car lease, insurance, TV, Internet, phones, car tax, whereas he paid rent, council tax, water, gas and electric (at least I thought he did!) So I will need to see how much they all cost, while also paying the debts off!

I saw you mentioned the council tax debt, has it been passed to a company called Bristow and Sutor by any chance? If it's been passed to a third party my advice would be not to engage with them and to speak to your council before doing anything.

I had issues with council tax debt after I was made redundant and the third party debt collector were absolutely unreasonable to deal with, but I spoke to the council direct and they took the debt back (with much more reasonable terms!!).

His initials aren't S.R are they? - if so, please PM me x

@kellygoeswest It was Jacobs, the second I saw the letter i stupidly rang them and paid a lump sum and set up a payment plan, I was just so scared someone would come to the house. I think im going down the IVA route unfortunately. I'm sorry you're were in a similar financial position, its awful x

@28andgreat Not if his name is true, please dont say there are two of them! X

Feeling so shite and wondering how I'll ever get over this! He did video call the baby today (at my suggestion) and sent me £50... Apparently I'll get much more on pay day, I'll believe it when I see it.

He's treating me with such disdain (though was fine over video call) and anger, I've done nothing wrong. Gutted that I am tied to him for the rest of my life, though I wouldn't change my baby for the world, and they'd be different if they had another dad, so trying to accept that.

My dd1 is in a similar situation but is 5mths pregnant and has found out so many lies have been told, and he has lots of debt but fortunately they don't live together (they were in the process) obviously she is devastated as are you. Sounds like you have amazing parents and I hope that babies Dad is true to his word and does send money.
Have you contacted water company, ours let a neighbour pay on a plan and for every £ she paid they paid a £ so basically we're very helpful and halved their debt. Please don't do an IVA until you have had some independent advice as I think you have to pay them for the privilege. Good luck with your job search. When times get tough reach out.💕

@pinkladyapplepie I'm so sorry to your daughter but also glad she didn't quite live with him yet!

Im really struggling with the money side, I owe too much to set up a payment plan as I wont be able to afford it. I owe 6k on my car also as i cant afford the lease payments so am having to hand it back before the lease is over. You do pay for an IVA. I spoke to a family solicitor who gave brief advice, to tell them to chase my ex partner as he is working etc, but im too scared to do that when its mine and my babies home they'll turn up to 😢

I’m so sorry OP, that sounds so so difficult. I can’t imagine how shocked you must be.
It sounds like you’ve already got the ball rolling in trying to sort out the debts which is good.
You’ve already seen a solicitor about custody which is what I was going to suggest. It’s laughable that he’s already tried to threaten you with this.
Your parents sound like amazing people too who are doing everything to support you so make sure you lean on them and know you’re not going through this alone.
xx

Almost 4 weeks and he still hasnt been to see his baby. Things continue to escalate with him being vile to me and threatening court, hes being so unreasonable and awful but lacks any insight. I just cant believe the change.

Just found this and read your story. Hoping you’re doing ok now, and that 2026 brings you more hope and joy.

Aww thank you so much for checking in.

In a way things are better, we just have no contact really. He has been up to see our baby 3 times since September, each visit is fleeting, he clearly doesnt want to be here and he leaves as soon as he can. He will literally stay for 90 minutes with him, doesnt ask to give him a bath and put him to bed, doesnt even try to spend quality time with him when he is here. Hes like a fun uncle who pops by.

I should have had my first CMS payment on the 1st January, I am still awaiting the full payment... I've reported this, as he had 4 months to get the correct amount of money and send it on the correct day.

Not long after I originally posted, I found out he was flat hunting with a young, female work colleague... So I presume he was cheating on me (it was weeks after he left, which seems quick otherwise...) but I suppose it doesnt really matter now. Hes chosen this woman (who I'm sure is very normal and nice and will have been told a pack of lies, just like I was) over his baby, which says it all. He didnt see the baby over Christmas/NY, though i did get a text on Christmas day telling me to "give him a kiss from his dad." I was surprised I even got that.

He has stopped threatening court and solicitors, we just dont hear from him. He doesnt ask about him, doesnt ask for photos, doesnt ask to video call. He clearly has absolutely no interest. I did find a few weeks after he left he was contacting a nursery where he lives, 4.5 hours from me... Which unsettled me, as why would my baby be in a nursery 4.5 hours from me when I quit my job (at his insistence) to look after the baby.

When he visited a week before Christmas he arrived with a black eye and a ludicrous story as to how he got it.

The rare occasions we do have contact he continues to treat me awfully, I am unable to bring anything at all up or else he screams, shouts and swears at me. So I've just dealt with all the financial side alone. I continue to get letters addressed to him for debts/loans, the most recent one being Friday for £1200, threatening bailiffs. I do open the letters so I can contact the sender to advise he no longer lives here, so bailiffs dont turn up at my house. I know i shouldn't, but I dont care at this point and I wish id opened letters when he did live here.

I am accepting he will never step up and be a real dad and he has rewrote history and will continue to do so, so that he is always the victim. But it is so hard, the change in him and how my life has been a lie. I know i will never understand or figure out what has happened, but its almost impossible to not try!

Oh my gosh; you sound very strong to be able to deal with his hideous behaviour. Out of the blue, then dealing with this aftermath - you sound amazing. His debts are unforgivable, how dare he leave you in that situation. Is there no way to get them allocated back to him and not for you to deal with? You can send them to his work address? He sounds unhinged and a nightmare to deal with. Much strength and hugs to you.

Unfortunately not, one of them is council tax which we are both eligible for, even though I'm getting the IVA to deal with "my" side, they will still chase him for his side too, which is good. The water was also just in my name, I didnt know this. When I approached them to pay my monthly bill/arrears they only had my ex partners contact details (phone and email) and said he'd paid off the app on his phone. He didnt really pay at all for the 3.5 years he lived here, for anything. The bailiffs letter I received on Friday, I did contact them and give them his work address. When he left he also took 1k of my money too, knowing that was my last wage and I had no other income. He took that money from his baby. I genuinely cant remember when I last spent money on myself even when my ex was still here, he knows full well every penny would go on my child, and he still took it.

He really is difficult to deal with. I feel I've gone above and beyond and theres nothing more I can do now, so I just dont reply to him or even open his messages. I will if he mentions coming up to visit, as the solicitor advised I should encourage (supervised, for now) contact. The second time he came he didnt even let me know, he just showed up. Everything is a battle with him. Hes looked me in the eye and told me he fucking hates me. I have no idea what I've done to him. Ive just sorted everything and carried on, there are plenty of things I want to say to him but I havent as he could always use it against me should he decide to go to a solicitor, so I am always pleasant but formal in our interactions.

OP, you should be incredibly proud of holding all this together for your baby.

I would strongly recommend you aren’t present for future time he spends with your child - facilitating this yourself is giving him an avenue to continue hurting you, and must be an unpleasant atmosphere for your baby too.
Would a member of your family be willing to take it on? Doesn’t sound like it will be more than an hour at the park sporadically to be honest!
You can also get apps you can use to communicate about baby which filter out abusive language etc I think - be worth a google! You could then block his numbers and restrict his ability to treat you so poorly moving forward.

I suspected cheating when I read the Op. His vileness towards you is because he knows he is an utterly disgusting POS for what he did to you, but he's trying to get away from the guilt feelings by blaming you for his behaviour. It's a very very common response of cheaters. It's completely irrational Cheater 101 behaviour.

Don't take it personally. It's not a reflection on you, it's a reflection on HIM.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

https://www.experian.co.uk/consumer/guides/financial-association.html

This might be helpful too.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/consumer/water/problems-with-paying-your-water-bill/watersure-scheme-help-with-paying-water-bills/

I am so sorry this is happening. You may also qualify for the below water bill scheme as well as healthy start vouchers.

Thank you. It shouldnt be this way, but as long as i dont bring anything up, he is civil with me in person. The last two times hes visited i just go into a different room so I'm nearby but we dont talk.

He has been abusive over the phone and text messages but I just dont engage. In a way, its a helpful reminder as to who he really is, as sometimes in person he can be as nice as pie, and it can leave me feeling confused! I havent even opened his most recent messages (they werent abusive) I have put boundaries in place which he doesnt like, but I honestly hardly hear from him now.

I have looked into the apps, but there is absolutely 0 chance he would use one, unless they were court appointed. I'll definitely reevaluate if his contact ever picks up.

I'm not sure my parents would facilitate, he was a massive part of our family and they feel completely blindsided and hurt by his behaviour too. He also owes them a large sum of money which I doubt they'll get back. With the way hes treated me and their beloved grandson, I honestly think I am able to be more calm and reasonable, my mum says she couldn't even look at him!

I'm going to have hard decisions to make as he cant continue coming in and out of our child's life as he gets older. On his third visit he told me he was arriving midmorning, it got to 4pm and I was still sat waiting (at which point I called him and told him we were going out now as we'd waited long enough) Its okay me being the one waiting, but I cant put my child through that. Its almost as though he wants me to say, you cant see the baby, and then he could continue being the victim, that honestly has entered my head as to why hes treated me so atrociously!

Thank you. Ive thought this too, as hes blamed me for "kicking him out" (i didnt) and said I am "emotionally abusive" (thats him), as though he is acting like I have done to him, what he has actually done to me.

I just dont understand why that would mean he doesnt see his child though? It obviously just wasnt part of his plan to have the baby. He honestly seems to go across the country doing this to women, its just that I am now tied to him forever!

@InNewYorkNoShoes @OurChristmasMiracle

Thank you both, I'll have a look!

It's all so horrible for you.

My ex was a bit like this although I was under no illusions that he was a good dad.

He wanted DS and within 6 months of his birth he destroyed my mental health, ran up so many debts, gambled, drank to excess, refused to support us or let me work and walked out quite happily. He did however try to come back.

For the debts I explained to everyone I could only pay what I could pay and I gradually chipped away at them. I never had any child maintenance.

I would expect your ex to stop visits completely soon.

But you will be ok! You've got family to support you and you are clearly intelligent.

I'm sorry you've experienced this, its absolutely awful and youre trying to navigate it all while also being a single parent.

My ex is/was also massively drinking to access, every single day. He always blamed me, of course!

I do also expect he will completely disappear soon, which is just baffling, I would never in a million years have believed this if someone had told me even the day before he left.

Thank you x

Glad you have supportive family OP. Did you meet his parents? Do they know that he's done this to their grandchild?

His mum passed away a few years before I met him, i do know this to be true. He was no contact with his dad, ironically his dad was abusive (he says) and walked out when he was young. After a particularly bad argument one night (I say argument, it was a one sided one) my ex left, the next morning he rang me crying saying hed been informed via LinkedIn by his step sister that his dad had passed... He didnt go to the funeral. Now, given all the lies, I dont know what to believe, but the timing was very odd, something would always happen to make him the victim again.

I didnt meet anyone in his life, not a single soul. He has a half sister who he was brought up with, he was no contact with her throughout our relationship as far as I know. Apparently she got in touch with him recently as she had a baby and wanted to tell him, but he wont have told her the truth at all.