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Original poster

That red flag you ignored.

62 replies

TheThingOnTheIce · 14/10/2025 09:44

Anyone else ignored early red flags. You saw them but hoped you were wrong and try to see the best in people ?

My most recent disaster , his female ‘best friend’ who was an issue from the start and my gut told me she’d be the end of us and I was right. I should trust my intuition more .

OP posts:
gratefulmumm · 14/10/2025 09:52

Yes I ignored so many but to be honest I'd never even heard of 'red flags' until I was already deep in and started looking up this kind of behaviour.

im so sorry this has happened, it must be heartbreaking. Thinking of you and sending lots of love.

trogtrogtrog · 14/10/2025 09:56

Yes. I ignored lots of red flags in hindsight. I trust my gut a lot more now. If something smells wrong, it often is.

Original poster
TheThingOnTheIce · 14/10/2025 09:58

hindsight is a wonderful thing but to be fair some red flags are redder than others if you know what I mean.

OP posts:
StonwEd · 14/10/2025 10:40

He shut me on the balcony of our hotel on our first weekend away together "it was a joke" and I needed to chill out a bit. Same trip he got so drunk he had to go to bed and I went across the road to the pub to meet a friend who lived in the city we were visiting. When I told him what id done he told me he was going to tell me he loved me for the first time but wasn't going to bother now.

That friend in the pub begged me to leave him that weekend, there and then but I spent another 4 years with the cunt.

Original poster
TheThingOnTheIce · 14/10/2025 10:44

@StonwEdeugh what a twat
well my alcoholic exh told me he was an alcoholic the first time I met him . As we were young and everyone was always drinking I actually thought he was joking . Fml

OP posts:
GingerIsBest · 14/10/2025 10:49

There were so many with exBIL and the sad thing is that SIL KNEW it so didn't even tell us most of them as she was ALREADY embarassed about it.... and yet stayed.

The one we knew about (but didn't recognise either): he had a "crazy, abusive" ex who had taken all his money and caused him to be bankrupt.

The major one we didn't know about until later: If they had even the smallest disagreement, he would ghost her for up to a week and when he came back, would tell her that he couldn't cope and it was easier just to go silent because it triggered all his childhood trauma.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 14/10/2025 12:06

I was so young and it was way before we knew about red flags, but mine was his insecurity. Stupid me thought it was sweet.

Nope. It tuned him into a jealous, obsessive abuser and I weighed less than 6 stone at age 19 by the time I got rid of him. Urgh.

It did teach me everything I didn't want in a man and I met my now DH not long afterwards. Happily married for almost 25 years now.

Yetmorewifework · 14/10/2025 12:14

Oh goodness, I didn't see several which should have been obvious!
I ended up married to a nice man who just wanted a housewife. The big red flag I didn't see was 'and of course when we're married you won't need your little job because I'll earn enough to look after you.' I just thought he was being nice. Oh no. He was deadly serious. Marriage didn't last very long...

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/10/2025 12:17

Possessiveness. I was young, and I’d absorbed all that societal mumbo jumbo about it being romantic and protective that a partner loved me so much that they didn’t want any other men to have a chance at getting me. It took me a while to realise that “it’s only because I love you so much” actually meant “it’s because I don’t respect or trust you.”

I’m glad I learned it early, and that when I next began dating a man who started trying to dictate what sort of situations I could be with men in and that I should only see male friends outside of their houses and with other friends present (and ideally not be friends with men at all), I could laugh in his face and tell him to show himself out.

Mydahliasareshit · 14/10/2025 12:21

Ah, that would be the one who told me it was simply impossible to control his temper, because he was half Greek you see, so bred in the bone. And that he had been accused of rape, but his father got him the best brief in the city to get him off.
Yes, of course he was abusive.

youlied · 14/10/2025 12:23

When he was texting a woman he did a tiling job for (over 100 texts a day). It broke my heart at the time but I convinced myself it was above board. On the morning of our Wedding I wanted to ask him the truth about it all. I married him and 2 years down the line the same behaviour began with another woman he worked with. His behaviour changed when he began sneaking about with her too.
We’re divorced now. Would have saved myself so much heartache if I had listened to my heart.

ThatAquaRobin · 14/10/2025 12:27

"My ex(s) is/are avoidant and narcissists"
"You'll have to be the one to break up with me"
"Let me show you my drugs stash" (shows stash)
" I have worked out your personality type and look how well it matches mine"
"You're.amazing, so empathetic, I am in awe of you"

For some reason I lapped all this up. He was still messaging his ex while giving me all of the above. Then he went back to another ex the week after I finally ended it.

dobbydotdot · 14/10/2025 12:39

My ex was totally self centred and self absorbed, work was his only value, and I should have seen it way early on in our relationship.

A couple of classic examples, one evening when I was worried about my mum recently becoming very very unwell, and needing hospital treatment and so on, he decided that was the evening he needed to get so upset about the death of his grandmother several years before, to the point he couldn't possibly cook dinner, or do anything other than lie face down on the sofa being sad.

Another was when I gave up my job to move to another country to support him in his new job there, (without us being married - what on earth was I thinking?) and was considering what things I would need to buy and what he would need to pay for. His attitude was: you have some money, you need to pay for your own stuff. I pointed out on that occasion that I was spending my final wage and wouldn't be seeing another pay packet for quite some time, which simply had not occurred to him.

The last one was when he let me know quite casually that he'd decided he was going to go ahead and apply for his green card, and settle there permanently. I said 'what about me?' and he said 'you can sort yourself out, you'll have to try and get a job and get sponsored yourself if you want to stay here'. That was one of the nails in the coffin, it took me another six months to leave him though, and I had to make him pay for the flight home for me. I spent far far too long with that man.

Conniebygaslight · 14/10/2025 12:47

StonwEd · 14/10/2025 10:40

He shut me on the balcony of our hotel on our first weekend away together "it was a joke" and I needed to chill out a bit. Same trip he got so drunk he had to go to bed and I went across the road to the pub to meet a friend who lived in the city we were visiting. When I told him what id done he told me he was going to tell me he loved me for the first time but wasn't going to bother now.

That friend in the pub begged me to leave him that weekend, there and then but I spent another 4 years with the cunt.

How did you finally end it?

Conniebygaslight · 14/10/2025 12:52

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 14/10/2025 12:06

I was so young and it was way before we knew about red flags, but mine was his insecurity. Stupid me thought it was sweet.

Nope. It tuned him into a jealous, obsessive abuser and I weighed less than 6 stone at age 19 by the time I got rid of him. Urgh.

It did teach me everything I didn't want in a man and I met my now DH not long afterwards. Happily married for almost 25 years now.

My 19 year old DD is similar at the moment....

Girlmom35 · 14/10/2025 12:55

A few weeks into dating, my ex told me he was really selfish.
I laughed.
He laughed.
6 years later we broke up, mostly because of how incredibly selfish he was.

Brightbluesomething · 14/10/2025 13:05

Oh yes I’ve ignored more red flags than a Chinese army!
Strangely I had form for leaving as soon as I saw them in other relationships, so I can do it. But there were two ex’s where I stupidly ploughed on knowing what the red flags were until I eventually left. Because of the issues I saw from the start.
I had hope that they’d change as none of them were insurmountable (no DV or anything like that). But when the realisation hit that they wouldn’t change, because they didn’t want to, I sadly had to leave people I loved. And accept that they didn’t actually love me, I was just a useful distraction.
I’m very glad I don’t have to put up with their crap any more though so it was definitely the right decision both times.

researchers3 · 14/10/2025 13:07

TheThingOnTheIce · 14/10/2025 09:44

Anyone else ignored early red flags. You saw them but hoped you were wrong and try to see the best in people ?

My most recent disaster , his female ‘best friend’ who was an issue from the start and my gut told me she’d be the end of us and I was right. I should trust my intuition more .

Yep! Several of these. Ended our long marriage.

In fact I just called it off with someone new for this reason so I guess I learnt the lesson in the end.

MyAcornWood · 14/10/2025 13:08

Ah the classic his ex used to cheat on him and hit him and he only ever pushed her away in self defence because she was CrAzY.
19 year old me was a fool. I expect to his next girlfriend, I was the crazy one who was a cheat and used to attack him.

BeeKee · 14/10/2025 13:10

Porn use and excessive wanking leading to him not wanting to have sex.

Original poster
TheThingOnTheIce · 14/10/2025 13:13

Honestly I don’t think I’ve been in a relationship where there weren’t signs from the start
i clearly attract them and then cling on hoping something changes. It’s definitely a me issue
It’s never been DV or anything but it’s always been stuff I know most other people wouldn’t put up with .

OP posts:
Original poster
TheThingOnTheIce · 14/10/2025 13:15

My most recent ex kept telling me I needed therapy with is ironic as if I had my shit together I would have finished him the first time he sacked me off for his female ‘best friend’ . Not 2 year later

OP posts:
Imbrocator · 14/10/2025 21:42

I didn’t know what red flags were then, but I did ignore my gut, because whenever he was horrible but then apologised profusely and said he’d never do it again, I believed him. I’d never met anyone who lied and used emotional manipulation in that way before.

First red flag was him, very drunk, being vile about someone I knew. Absolutely mad, frothing at the mouth vitriol about someone he’d never said anything but hello to.

If only I’d left then and never spoken another word to him.

racierach · 14/10/2025 21:51

When he grabbed my “love handles” and told me I shouldn’t put any more weight on.

I was about 9 stone and skinny as fuck. Twat

PauliesWalnuts · 14/10/2025 21:59

When he didn’t introduce me to his kids or parents or siblings. Used Covid at the start but when he still hadn’t four years later I realised that it was because he just didn’t think I was good enough. And why I asked him about it, he didn’t deny it.