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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex is having a baby

27 replies

Haribostarmixx · 14/10/2025 09:41

Backstory - he left 1.5 years ago when our child was 2, immediately moved in with new woman, sold our house and I moved in with parents. They got engaged 6 months later.

Yesterday I found out he’s having a baby with the woman. How do I stop this taking up so much space in my head? I feel like I haven’t even processed him suddenly leaving and losing all my in laws and my home let alone everything that’s happened since. I was with him for 15 years and never imagined he would replace me like this. He literally doesn’t care.

How do I get over this? I still have to communicate with him for our child.

OP posts:
Adooree · 14/10/2025 09:44

Yes it's an immediate shock , but surely you don't expect him to stay single & celibate for the rest of his life .
As much as it hurts now , you need to move on . He has his life , you have yours .

Original poster
Haribostarmixx · 14/10/2025 09:50

No I don’t expect him to remain single, he wasn’t single when he left me. I’m asking how I move on.
Maybe people who have been through it can give me some advice on what has helped them?

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 14/10/2025 09:55

I feel for you op. I think the best thing is to try and not think about it. It’s done, it’s in the past, he is not the man you thought he was, he upped and left when it got hard and he wasn’t your focus anymore. Perhaps he’ll do the same again.

Be busy. See friends. Do hobbies. Get involved in community activities etc.

HoppityBun · 14/10/2025 09:59

Adooree · 14/10/2025 09:44

Yes it's an immediate shock , but surely you don't expect him to stay single & celibate for the rest of his life .
As much as it hurts now , you need to move on . He has his life , you have yours .

She knows that: the OP is asking for help to do so.

OP I understand why this is tough. 15 years is a long time and your ex’s new partner is in the position you thought you’d be in. My advice is:

  1. don’t expect to get over it and accept the way you feel is rational and understandable-just work on managing
  2. see if you and your ex can go to mediation to learn how to communicate for the sake of your child
  3. it’s a cliche, but therapy will help if you can find a therapist that you feel comfortable with
Original poster
Haribostarmixx · 14/10/2025 09:59

Thank you, I’ll try to distract my mind and hopefully in time it will be less consuming.

OP posts:
something2say · 14/10/2025 10:00

Hiya. I am sorry to hear this. I can understand what a slap in the face it must feel like, especially after 15 years together.

Let me ask you this - did he treat you like his ten out of ten? Do you think you were that to him?

If not, it is OK for it to end, and OK for him to move on and find his ten out of ten.

What I am interested in however, is you. How is your life now? How are you getting things going again for yourself?

Whenever I feel full of emotion, which I imagine you are now, I get out my laptop and write it all down in a journal entry. People don't always have the time to listen, nor should I go on about my problems. So I journal. I would advise you to pour all of your feelings out over and over again, to help you process this change, and then turn your attention to your own life and future - your plans, your job, your financial needs, your ideas, your health, your daily practices. Make yourself better. Pour him out and fill yourself up.

He wasn't your future. That relationship came to a conclusion. The road ahead is empty until you fill it up, which you will do, and you will soon feel better.

X

AutumnCosy2025 · 14/10/2025 10:01

Look at your DC & remind yourself of what a colossal twat your Ex is to have walked out on you both. Roll your eyes, pity the woman he's with & don't give it headspace!

if you're still at your parents. Think about how you can move out & become independent & move your own life forward.

Original poster
Haribostarmixx · 14/10/2025 10:02

HoppityBun · 14/10/2025 09:59

She knows that: the OP is asking for help to do so.

OP I understand why this is tough. 15 years is a long time and your ex’s new partner is in the position you thought you’d be in. My advice is:

  1. don’t expect to get over it and accept the way you feel is rational and understandable-just work on managing
  2. see if you and your ex can go to mediation to learn how to communicate for the sake of your child
  3. it’s a cliche, but therapy will help if you can find a therapist that you feel comfortable with
Show quote history

Thank you for the advice, that’s really helpful to read. I think you’re right about not expecting to get over it. I’ve just put on a brave face but maybe I need to focus on processing it all now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Haribostarmixx · 14/10/2025 10:04

something2say · 14/10/2025 10:00

Hiya. I am sorry to hear this. I can understand what a slap in the face it must feel like, especially after 15 years together.

Let me ask you this - did he treat you like his ten out of ten? Do you think you were that to him?

If not, it is OK for it to end, and OK for him to move on and find his ten out of ten.

What I am interested in however, is you. How is your life now? How are you getting things going again for yourself?

Whenever I feel full of emotion, which I imagine you are now, I get out my laptop and write it all down in a journal entry. People don't always have the time to listen, nor should I go on about my problems. So I journal. I would advise you to pour all of your feelings out over and over again, to help you process this change, and then turn your attention to your own life and future - your plans, your job, your financial needs, your ideas, your health, your daily practices. Make yourself better. Pour him out and fill yourself up.

He wasn't your future. That relationship came to a conclusion. The road ahead is empty until you fill it up, which you will do, and you will soon feel better.

X

Thank you so much. I don’t really talk about it with other people now but journaling is a really good idea. Thank you for the advice.

OP posts:
Zempy · 14/10/2025 10:07

I think it’s helpful to try to reframe things in a positive way.

So rather than allowing negative thoughts, like “he will do the same to her” “ he’s a piece of shit” etc you choose a positive mindset.

He was no longer happy with you, and your relationship ended, as all relationships do, one way or another. He is happy now with X. Him being happy should be good news for your child. Plus your child is getting a sibling! That’s great! Then you park him and his life. No need to dwell on it further.

As PP have said, the real focus needs to be you, and your life. What makes you happy? What plans do you have?

Original poster
Haribostarmixx · 14/10/2025 10:11

Zempy · 14/10/2025 10:07

I think it’s helpful to try to reframe things in a positive way.

So rather than allowing negative thoughts, like “he will do the same to her” “ he’s a piece of shit” etc you choose a positive mindset.

He was no longer happy with you, and your relationship ended, as all relationships do, one way or another. He is happy now with X. Him being happy should be good news for your child. Plus your child is getting a sibling! That’s great! Then you park him and his life. No need to dwell on it further.

As PP have said, the real focus needs to be you, and your life. What makes you happy? What plans do you have?

That’s very true. I guess it’s easy to hold a lot of negativity about him but that isn’t helping my mind set and my life.
The responses are really helping me, thank you.

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 14/10/2025 10:15

You have to accept that it's over, he's a free agent, he'll have a full life with wife & family that doesn't involve you now beyond how it affects your shared child (and sometimes even not then).

I got the anger and hurt out of the way early, it needs to burn out before you can move on.

Fill your time with distractions - I took up running - and eventually it won't feel important any more.

HerbertPootle · 14/10/2025 10:32

If something is overwhelming and constantly on my mind I find setting aside time to think about it and not thinking about it outside of that time really helps.

Decide to spend the next 10 or 15 minutes just thinking about it (writing it down might help focus your thoughts). When the time is up, put all those thoughts to one side and get on with the rest of your day. If you feel yourself starting to think about him again, plan another 10 to 15 minute window later in the day or tomorrow when you will think about it again. Gradually over time decrease the amount of time you think about it.

I find it really works to give your brain a rest from constantly going over and over things in your mind, things that you can’t change. It allows you to get on with your own life and think about something else, like what plans can you start making for you?

Original poster
Haribostarmixx · 14/10/2025 10:44

HerbertPootle · 14/10/2025 10:32

If something is overwhelming and constantly on my mind I find setting aside time to think about it and not thinking about it outside of that time really helps.

Decide to spend the next 10 or 15 minutes just thinking about it (writing it down might help focus your thoughts). When the time is up, put all those thoughts to one side and get on with the rest of your day. If you feel yourself starting to think about him again, plan another 10 to 15 minute window later in the day or tomorrow when you will think about it again. Gradually over time decrease the amount of time you think about it.

I find it really works to give your brain a rest from constantly going over and over things in your mind, things that you can’t change. It allows you to get on with your own life and think about something else, like what plans can you start making for you?

This is great advice thank you. I’m super anxious and things are often going round in a loop in my mind so I will try this each day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Haribostarmixx · 14/10/2025 10:55

Thank you so much for the responses. It all feels a bit lighter knowing I can come back and read these again when I’m in moments like I was this morning.

OP posts:
Tralalalama · 14/10/2025 11:37

ah man that first response was a bit too tough love in my eyes.

the only thing I can think of is: for me I would have to reframe it as he’s not a good catch and she’s welcome to him

YetiRosetti · 14/10/2025 11:40

Adooree · 14/10/2025 09:44

Yes it's an immediate shock , but surely you don't expect him to stay single & celibate for the rest of his life .
As much as it hurts now , you need to move on . He has his life , you have yours .

Wow, so unnecessary.

You’re very entitled to be upset OP, but you’ve had some great advice on this thread. Be kind to yourself ❤️

Adooree · 14/10/2025 11:40

Tralalalama · 14/10/2025 11:37

ah man that first response was a bit too tough love in my eyes.

the only thing I can think of is: for me I would have to reframe it as he’s not a good catch and she’s welcome to him

Oh , I didn't mean it to , I do think I'm quite a plain speaker , and tend not to sugar coat things , but that was not my intention at all .

Original poster
Haribostarmixx · 14/10/2025 11:56

Adooree · 14/10/2025 11:40

Oh , I didn't mean it to , I do think I'm quite a plain speaker , and tend not to sugar coat things , but that was not my intention at all .

Show quote history

I think that approach may help some people but it makes me feel worse when people expect me to get over it, I wish it was that easy for me.
We all respond differently to things though so it’s helpful to have a variety of responses

OP posts:
MumoftwoNC · 14/10/2025 12:07

Zempy · 14/10/2025 10:07

I think it’s helpful to try to reframe things in a positive way.

So rather than allowing negative thoughts, like “he will do the same to her” “ he’s a piece of shit” etc you choose a positive mindset.

He was no longer happy with you, and your relationship ended, as all relationships do, one way or another. He is happy now with X. Him being happy should be good news for your child. Plus your child is getting a sibling! That’s great! Then you park him and his life. No need to dwell on it further.

As PP have said, the real focus needs to be you, and your life. What makes you happy? What plans do you have?

It's exhausting to try and be endlessly positive. Maybe that's extra pressure that op just doesn't need.

Besides, I do think it's naive to say "your child is getting an extra sibling, that's great". It may well not be great, op's dc might become second best in that home, we see it often on the step parenting boards.

It might be easier just to take each day/week/month as it comes, distract yourself with keeping busy etc, try not to think about it

Original poster
Haribostarmixx · 14/10/2025 12:15

MumoftwoNC · 14/10/2025 12:07

It's exhausting to try and be endlessly positive. Maybe that's extra pressure that op just doesn't need.

Besides, I do think it's naive to say "your child is getting an extra sibling, that's great". It may well not be great, op's dc might become second best in that home, we see it often on the step parenting boards.

It might be easier just to take each day/week/month as it comes, distract yourself with keeping busy etc, try not to think about it

Show quote history

I do agree with this. I just can’t find it in me to be positive about it all when our plan was to give our child a sibling but now someone else is and I have nothing to do with the sibling. I hope in time I can though because I’m sure it will feel a lot easier to be positive.

OP posts:
lovecookiedough · 14/10/2025 12:45

its the shock of hearing the news, you will come to terms with this, it’s still been a relatively short time since the separation and you are healing. Don’t focus on what should of been and that you’re missing out, the way he’s treated you was appalling and in time you’ll realise, he’s done you favour, you have your own life to lead now, full of new opportunities for you in the future.

Original poster
Haribostarmixx · 14/10/2025 13:00

lovecookiedough · 14/10/2025 12:45

its the shock of hearing the news, you will come to terms with this, it’s still been a relatively short time since the separation and you are healing. Don’t focus on what should of been and that you’re missing out, the way he’s treated you was appalling and in time you’ll realise, he’s done you favour, you have your own life to lead now, full of new opportunities for you in the future.

Thank you

OP posts:
Tralalalama · 14/10/2025 13:10

My mum always say, better days are ahead. The sun will shine again. You will be happy again. Maybe not today but it’s around the corner. I’m so sorry OP xx

Zempy · 14/10/2025 13:21

Haribostarmixx · 14/10/2025 12:15

I do agree with this. I just can’t find it in me to be positive about it all when our plan was to give our child a sibling but now someone else is and I have nothing to do with the sibling. I hope in time I can though because I’m sure it will feel a lot easier to be positive.

Show quote history

Exactly that @Haribostarmixx You can’t change it, all you can do to help yourself is change your reaction to it.