Messages: am I overreacting?

Ceceprincess80 · 2025-10-13T04:51:31+00:00

My DH is 45 and makes his own music. He uses social media to promote his music and network. I have not got a problem with this. I do have a problem with some of the messages. For example He will send a Dm to a vocalist and ask if they want to collaborate on a track. Again, I have no issue. They go back and forth about music style etc and beats, again no issue but at some points the messages always seem to get personal. Them talking about being vegans or their love of animals and plants etc I guess my work messages dont change like that so I find it odd that his do. Most of the vocalists are women, they are not ugly. My DH does have previous form for messaging a woman and having too emotional a bond and all these innocent messages are making me worried and im insecure. Ive seen these messages as he is logged on a shared tablet and I looked. I dont know how to move past feeling insecure about it.

Onemoreagainforluck · 13/10/2025 07:00

It sounds as though he is using his music writing as an excuse to interact with these women.

As you say why would he turn what should be a professional exchange into a personal one otherwise?

Tbh given his past history of emotional attachment via messaging it sounds as though he is hiding in plain sight.

Does he possibly also communicate with them via other means that he keeps hidden from you?
Does he meet up with them in connection to the music making?

ApricotCheesecake · 13/10/2025 07:08

This is an unusual one. Most jobs don't require personal messages, but because music is an emotional, creative experience I can imagine that it would be hard to keep the conversation focused purely on practicalities and you probably do end up discussing personal things. I don't think it necessarily means your DP is cheating or wants to cheat.

tripleginandtonic · 13/10/2025 07:14

As always, you either trust him or you don't. That wouldn't bother me, you talk about personal stuff at work ime.

OldBeyondMyYears · 13/10/2025 07:16

Do these exchanges ever lead to an actual, in person collaboration…or is he simply messaging attractive women under the guise of discussing music?

Gizlotsmum · 13/10/2025 07:17

I would say because it is music it has to have a level of personal connection. If all messages are on a shared tablet it isn’t being hidden from you. However if it makes you uncomfortable you need to discuss it further

Suednymph · 13/10/2025 08:22

I would be sceptical too being honest but that is because my ex is also in the music industry and used this as a platform for chatting up other women while we were together hence being my ex. Does he hide your relationship online at all?

Subwaystop · 13/10/2025 08:42

Just want to say I’m in the creative online space and communication with collaborators do get friendly like that regularly. As part of the process you’d chit chat about personal stuff. Especially stuff like veganism which is a core of someone’s outlook to the world (if for humanitarian reasons) and is part of where that person’s art comes from. But that doesn’t mean your dh is innocent. It looks like there’s not trust in your marriage due to how he’s crossed lines in the past. Is he generally not trustworthy?

Original poster

Ceceprincess80 · 13/10/2025 17:03

He is generally trustworthy but will swoop in like a white Knight to rescue people and when I say people I mean women.
The messages are to set up a vocalist, he will have them Collaborate by recording vocals their end, wherever they are in the world or country and then he will make the bear, strings etc the music bit. He doesnt seem to need to meet up with them but he has had messages before with someone where they started inviting themselves to our home and he didnt put her in her lane, he ignored it. He doesnt have me and the kids in his socials as they are just for his music promotion.
He has been silly with messages before and he ruined a holiday and was more interested in instagram then us.

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Probablyshouldntsay · 13/10/2025 17:26

How many male vocalists does he message to collaborate? An even / equal amount?

Didimum · 13/10/2025 17:31

Creative industries tend to be more personal, imo.

Most of the vocalists are women, they are not ugly.

Your issue isn't is whether this women are 'ugly' or not, but that your DH has continually betrays your boundaries.

Original poster

Ceceprincess80 · 13/10/2025 18:13

Probablyshouldntsay · 13/10/2025 17:26

How many male vocalists does he message to collaborate? An even / equal amount?

Edited

None that I know of. If he needs a male voice he uses himself.

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Original poster

Ceceprincess80 · 13/10/2025 18:14

Onemoreagainforluck · 13/10/2025 07:00

It sounds as though he is using his music writing as an excuse to interact with these women.

As you say why would he turn what should be a professional exchange into a personal one otherwise?

Tbh given his past history of emotional attachment via messaging it sounds as though he is hiding in plain sight.

Does he possibly also communicate with them via other means that he keeps hidden from you?
Does he meet up with them in connection to the music making?

He doesnt meet up with them as far as I can tell. Messages all seem to be thru instagram and not another means. You know when your head is twisted up because of something thats happened before

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Original poster

Ceceprincess80 · 13/10/2025 18:18

OldBeyondMyYears · 13/10/2025 07:16

Do these exchanges ever lead to an actual, in person collaboration…or is he simply messaging attractive women under the guise of discussing music?

So a female vocalist is recording him some stabs this month and she will send them over to be mastered. It does sometimes not turn into a collaboration

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Original poster

Ceceprincess80 · 13/10/2025 18:20

Suednymph · 13/10/2025 08:22

I would be sceptical too being honest but that is because my ex is also in the music industry and used this as a platform for chatting up other women while we were together hence being my ex. Does he hide your relationship online at all?

We are not on his socials as its just for his music. So you would not know he had a wife and kids

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Original poster

Ceceprincess80 · 13/10/2025 18:22

Didimum · 13/10/2025 17:31

Creative industries tend to be more personal, imo.

Most of the vocalists are women, they are not ugly.

Your issue isn't is whether this women are 'ugly' or not, but that your DH has continually betrays your boundaries.

Yes, thats true. It's the blurry lines and im very black and white about things.

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strawgoh · 13/10/2025 18:25

Does he actually perform any of his music in public?

Original poster

Ceceprincess80 · 13/10/2025 20:21

strawgoh · 13/10/2025 18:25

Does he actually perform any of his music in public?

Erm, no. He records and produces. He then releases via Spotify, YouTube and other platforms via distrokid. He has not performed live as of yet

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strawgoh · 13/10/2025 20:39

Ah well I think you're all right then. He's using all the online chat as an ego boost. He's not out gigging and striking up friendships with these women at the bar, or having cosy chats in motorway service stations at 2am.

Probablyshouldntsay · 13/10/2025 21:29

It’s an ego boost then OP. If he were really that obsessed with finding great vocalists there are many many many male singers out there, who I’m sure sing better, in different styles, with different ranges etc etc.
He’s a flirt and likely no more faithful than the options he has.

strawgoh · 13/10/2025 21:50

Ceceprincess80 · 13/10/2025 20:21

Erm, no. He records and produces. He then releases via Spotify, YouTube and other platforms via distrokid. He has not performed live as of yet

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Just a thought and not relevant to your OP, but - if he is uploading original work to a streaming service, how is he keeping control of copyright to his work, and is he registered with the PRS so he can receive royalties?

Original poster

Ceceprincess80 · 14/10/2025 06:55

strawgoh · 13/10/2025 21:50

Just a thought and not relevant to your OP, but - if he is uploading original work to a streaming service, how is he keeping control of copyright to his work, and is he registered with the PRS so he can receive royalties?

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I think it's done thru distrokid who are effectively his record label.

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YehaaYessir · 14/10/2025 19:34

I think what he's doing in isolation would not be a concern to me. However his past record with messages my make it more concerning. What exactly was the deal with the messages in the past? You don't have to say if you don't want to, but it would help to add context to the current situation.

Original poster

Ceceprincess80 · 15/10/2025 06:23

YehaaYessir · 14/10/2025 19:34

I think what he's doing in isolation would not be a concern to me. However his past record with messages my make it more concerning. What exactly was the deal with the messages in the past? You don't have to say if you don't want to, but it would help to add context to the current situation.

He struck up a conversation with a woman who was 19. She wasn't a vocalist or musically linked. They spoke for a month back and forth about the music they both liked and he ignore the children and I to do it. For example we were on our way back from our family summer holiday and were sat at a service station having lunch and he was messaging her. I caught him out and basically went mad. The messages had her very much coming on to him and inviting herself to our home. He ignored those messages and kept talking about music but it was unsettling. It then turned out it was his sisters step daughter who we had not seen for 10 years as they live so far away. Again unsettling

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WalkDontWalk · 15/10/2025 06:35

Ceceprincess80 · 14/10/2025 06:55

I think it's done thru distrokid who are effectively his record label.

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….not pertinent to your problem, but no, that’s not Distrokid’s function.

Allmychickenscometoroost · 15/10/2025 07:01

Ceceprincess80 · 15/10/2025 06:23

He struck up a conversation with a woman who was 19. She wasn't a vocalist or musically linked. They spoke for a month back and forth about the music they both liked and he ignore the children and I to do it. For example we were on our way back from our family summer holiday and were sat at a service station having lunch and he was messaging her. I caught him out and basically went mad. The messages had her very much coming on to him and inviting herself to our home. He ignored those messages and kept talking about music but it was unsettling. It then turned out it was his sisters step daughter who we had not seen for 10 years as they live so far away. Again unsettling

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I am shocked you stayed with him after that behaviour of his. This was a 19 year old!! Did he know she was his stepsisters daughter? Men like him always need a woman on the side. I wouldn't trust him at all now.

How's your relationship generally?