Messages: am I overreacting?

[Ceceprincess80]

My DH is 45 and makes his own music. He uses social media to promote his music and network. I have not got a problem with this. I do have a problem with some of the messages. For example He will send a Dm to a vocalist and ask if they want to collaborate on a track. Again, I have no issue. They go back and forth about music style etc and beats, again no issue but at some points the messages always seem to get personal. Them talking about being vegans or their love of animals and plants etc I guess my work messages dont change like that so I find it odd that his do. Most of the vocalists are women, they are not ugly. My DH does have previous form for messaging a woman and having too emotional a bond and all these innocent messages are making me worried and im insecure. Ive seen these messages as he is logged on a shared tablet and I looked. I dont know how to move past feeling insecure about it.

He didnt realise. Because of how social media works she popped up in my algorithm and I said oh this is xyz step daughter. His face told me that something had been going on. I did some digging and saw all the messages and he hadn't done anything sexual or salacious but he had been using it to stoke his ego and feel amazing. Our relationship is good and has been good for 25 years. I guess thats why I stayed and didnt leave.
I just feel unsettled again.

from this I would suggest couple's counselling where you both work through issues and set boundaries.

Does he understand he is hurting you and disrespecting you? what happens when you have a calm discussion about this?

When we have had a calm discussion, he gets quiet and upset with me. I think this is due to him knowing how much upset he created and also the feeling of being a bit stupid. He doesnt like to be perceived as stupid. I have needed to speak about it and work thru things. He wants to move on but the talking is partnof moving on for me. I take on board the advice. I would be up for it. Im hopeful he would be

I've worked around the music industry and this is how producers link up with vocalists - one or the other will get in touch with someone whose sound they like, usually via social media these days, they'll get chatting and send each other beats, samples and so on. And of course they'll talk about non-musical inspirations as well - this is a creative collaboration, not just hiring a tradesman. Nothing out of the ordinary from what the OP has described.

The other conversation with his sister's stepdaughter depends on how obviously she was "coming on" to him. It's totally normal for him to chat common musical interests with his step-niece. Music is obviously a passion for him - it is for me as well, and I'll seize any opportunity to chat about it to whoever shares my tastes. I'm looking forward to doing this with DP's nieces. It sounds like he wasn't saying anything appropriate on his side. (OP, do you ever talk about music with him?)

I must admit that I'm a little sceptical that the stepdaughter really was flirting with him, because the OP flagged up the vocalists' looks so quickly. That's really insulting to both him and them. The reason they're in touch is because they have vocal talent and presumably he has some sort of musical talent - reducing that to their sexuality is grim. Women in the music industry have to put up with so many people ignoring their musical skills and reducing them to their looks, and this is an example of how other women can do this to them too.

Thanks for your perspective. Its always good to hear another person's point of view. He didnt know it was his step niece until I told him. The step niece was flirting, lots of heart emojis and asking to come and spend time alone with him, looking thru his record collection and he kept trying to go back to talking about the breeders, as their conversation was originally about American garage bands (my speciality so i was also peeved that he had quoted me in his chats with her). Yes, we discuss music. He is very electronic beats, Chicago house and mpc drum machines, I'm very indie and rock. Ive been sampled by him and play the bass and guitar when asked. Not vocals, i can not sing.

I do get a bit annoyed that our family life and kids lives had to suffer because he decided messaging someone he didnt know was more important then us.

I think that ultimately he isn't massively trustworthy and likes a bit of female attention. The chatting to a 19 year old thing (not a vocalist) is a bit grim. He has no business doing that. I am nit sure I would be delighted with his behaviour either.