I am in my early 30s and married. He is in his 50s and is married (on paper but live together).
I’ve worked with him for five years, and there’s never been an issue.
A few months ago, while working on a project, we started talking about our upbringings. He asked about my dad, and I mentioned that he wasn’t around and that we don’t have a good relationship.
Later, he messaged me saying he felt really sad for me and was surprised by what I shared, but he was glad I opened up. I was a bit taken aback, as I didn’t think I’d shared anything too personal, but I didn’t think much more of it.
He then sent a message asking if I’d like to meet for lunch on our day off. I politely declined, explaining that I don’t hang out with the opposite gender one to one as it’s a boundary my husband and I have. He respected that.
A few weeks later, he messaged me again, saying he’d visited a chocolate factory and bought chocolates for me, which he’d left at the locker. I thanked him but said he didn’t need to do that. I didn’t collect them, but he later messaged again, reminding me to pick them up.
At the time, I didn’t think much of it other than wondering why he’d done that. My colleagues occasionally get each other small treats, usually as a thank-you for helping with something. I thought it was a one-off, and since I’ve received chocolates from other colleagues before, I didn’t think it was anything more than a kind gesture.
However, later on, he got me a cookie and cake. Again, I just thought he was being kind and accepted it but said no more treats after this. Then a week later, he messaged saying he’d bought me drinks and more chocolate. I replied that I couldn’t accept them, but he insisted I do so, saying he was just trying to be nice. I left it for a few days, but then he messaged again, saying he had no use for them and asking me to please take them. I agreed but asked him please not to buy me anything else.
A few days later, after a busy day at work where I had to work through lunch and stay late, he came to my desk the next morning (which I was sharing with another colleague). He placed coffee, cookies, and lunch on my desk, saying, “Here’s the stuff you asked for.”
My colleague gave me a strange look, and I assumed it was because, one, I never ask my colleagues to buy me anything, and two, everyone knows I’m particular about my coffee and don’t drink that brand.
I was taken aback by why he did that and by his false claim that I had “asked” for it. I didn’t want to embarrass him, so I simply replied, “I’ll sort you out with the money later.”
When I later saw him, I took out some money to give to him for the items. He refused, insisting that it was a gift and that he’d noticed I might not have eaten earlier because I was so busy. He just wanted to show he cared. I thanked him for the gesture but told him not to worry about me and to stop buying me things. He gave me a spiel about knowing I’m independent but that he was just trying to help.
A week later, he said he’d left more treats for me. I replied saying I wouldn’t accept them. He insisted I take them, saying it would be the last time. I told him that if he bought me anything more, it would lead to an argument. He agreed, but added that he couldn’t wait for our first argument. I didn’t say anything else.
Now, things at work are changing. He continues to make me instant drinks and places them on my desk. The problem is, I don’t drink instant coffee, and everyone at work knows this. Also, I never ask anyone to make me a drink. Additionally, whenever I’m on calls, he comes over and starts doing my paperwork. I find this annoying because I’ve been managing on my own for five years. When I get off the phone, I thank him but tell him I’ll handle it myself.
Then, one day, he gave me an envelope. I thought it was work-related, but when I opened it at home, I found a mixtape he’d made for me; despite knowing that I don’t listen to music, whereas he’s a big music fan.
One day, I had a headache, and I was feeling a bit down. He asked what was wrong, and when I told him, he suggested I take some medicine. I declined, saying I’d manage. A few hours later, he went out and bought me three types of medicine.
I told him I wasn’t going to accept it, as it made me and my husband uncomfortable with the amount of stuff he was buying me. I explained, as politely as possible, that I appreciated his thoughtfulness but that he needed to respect my boundaries. I told him this privately.
At first, he said he understood and that it was no problem. I thanked him for his understanding.
When I got home, I received a long message from him. He said that I had embarrassed him and made him feel awkward. He claimed that he and others always compliment me at work, but I brush it off as if it means nothing, which had damaged his confidence. He also said that I make him feel insecure, and that I’m too stubborn to accept anything. He emphasised that he was just trying to help and that he always feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me, but he was finally going to be honest.
The message went on and on. I simply replied, apologising if I’d made him feel that way, but reminded him that he continued to buy me things even after I asked him to stop. He then apologised again, repeatedly. I accepted and told him not to keep apologising, that it was fine and over. Later, he sent me another message about how he spent his day off. I didn’t reply. Then he sent messages about someone we both know. I replied, keeping it short and sweet.Then he apologised again, and told me about his son’s birthday. I wished his son a happy birthday. He sent some more random texts which I didn’t respond to.
Finally, he sent me a message that was around 4000 words long. It detailed random bits about his childhood, his work, his folks, and how sorry he was. He said he knew I love my husband and respect that we have different beliefs, but he cares so much about me. He wrote that I inspire him and that I’ve lit something inside him that was dormant. He said I make him feel human, and that when I respond to things he tells me about himself, I’m never judgmental and am always empathetic. (Bear in mind, I’ve never asked for him to tell me his business). He acknowledged that he shouldn’t message me so much, but that he couldn’t help it.
I didn’t respond, but I’m in shock. What is this behavior?