Infidelity during pregnancy

Arlanymor · 12/10/2025 22:09

He made excuses that BLAMED you and not just his own shitty behaviour. He did it TWICE.

He is the one who closed the door on this - well actually slammed it in your face. I’m so sorry OP, I 100% think you are making the right decision.

MamaBear2210T · 12/10/2025 22:12

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He cheated TWICE and will need to understand you won’t put up with this and the relationship is over. I’m not surprised you can’t get over this, it’s a huge betrayal.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 12/10/2025 22:14

He is an arsehole.

was it the same woman?

CrazyGoatLady · 12/10/2025 22:16

All I can say is, at least you found out what sort of a man he is early on, so you don't have to put your child through living with a half present father, parents in an unhappy relationship, and an inevitable separation later.

His excuses for cheating are nonsense. He sounds immature, whiny, selfish, and incapable of taking any responsibility for his own shitty behaviour. If he's already moaning about lack of attention and off doing wandering dick while you're pregnant, how on earth is he going to deal with it when there's an actual baby to look after?

When men show you who they are, believe them. And then show them the door.

DramaQueenlady · 12/10/2025 22:17

You're better than this. God knows what he could have passed on to you. Blaming you for his shit also. Dont ever look back. Make a good life for you and your kids. He's not worthy.

goodnightssleepbenice · 12/10/2025 22:19

I couldn’t get over this and I don’t think you should try either . How could you live happily ever after with someone who has treated you like this ?

Onemoreagainforluck · 12/10/2025 22:21

If he is blaming you, he thinks it's all your fault and so he obviously thinks he did nothing wrong.

Cheating on your pregnant wife isn't a "mistake". It was a choice he made. I would also suspect that these are the two times you have found out about but there will be a lot more times that you don't know about.

I'm sorry OP but you will never be able to trust him. What a sad excuse for a human being he is.

StartingOverIn2025 · 12/10/2025 22:22

I’m sorry this has happened to you OP. Unfortunately it sounds like he’s sorry he got caught rather than for what he did. I think I would struggle to get past him doing it once in your position, but twice would be completely unforgivable. I think if he’s done it twice he could definitely do it again. You are right, he has disrespected you and you would be well justified to draw a line under it and end things if that’s what you wanted to do.

what would need to happen for you to be able to forgive him and forget about it? Do you think, realistically, you would be able to do that?

I think I would hold a lot of resentment and I would struggle to trust him again.

Sashya · 12/10/2025 22:25

This must be so hard for you - and the last thing you need with a small child, and a baby on the way.

As to what you said - "I can't understand why" - that bit is actually not difficult. Understanding the Why is easy. Moving past, forgiving and re-building the relationship is the hard bit.

There are many reasons people cheat. Most of those are about them, not the relationship, and not their partner. You have been together for 6 years - and in those times had a baby, and multiple losses. It's a lot for any relationship to deal with, and certainly in such short period of time.

Men and women are different on so many dimensions. We, women, like to imagine that when paired up and going through getting pregnant, etc - men are on the same page with us, and think like us. But they are not us.
While we become singlehandedly focused on getting pregnant; or our emotions about pregnancy loss; and about trying again - they are supporting us, but they are not feeling the same as us. And they do often end up feeling like they lose their place in a relationship as a partner - and baby, or trying for it, overtakes in importance. And some - like your H - have trouble dealing with it.
This is the Why.

I am not excusing any of it. Men are weaker species than us, and they are, at their core - very selfish, and they do struggle putting themselves last for any period of time. Some are better at keeping it in check, many more are not.

As to what you do with this all now - it's really up to you. And I'd also say it's up to the support network you have, as your life is about to become a lot harder - after your 2nd child is born.
People make mistakes, and it is not impossible to move forward from this - if you decide that this is best for you and your family. Most marriages do not break down after infidelity - according to marriage councillors.
And equally - some people do break up and co-parent.

Given the age of your child and upcoming baby - I'd probably be pragmatic and let him be around to help. And I'd decide what to do about the relationship later, once through the hardest bits, in whichever way you define it.
Or - if you have a good support network and don't need his help - I'd give myself as much time as necessary to decide.

Lavender14 · 12/10/2025 22:26

"He is adamant this was a mistake" its not a mistake its a choice, and a choice he made repeatedly which makes it an intentional choice. He didn't expect to get caught out or thought you'd let it go.

"He is frustrated with me for ending the relationship and closing the door to all of our future plans we have made together."
Nope. He does not get to be annoyed at you for not just bowing to his sorrys and swallowing it. He doesn't get to rush you along to get over it and that all smacks of narcissistic tendency. It's not your job to forgive him and move on, it's his job to make that happen if he can, and accept it respectfully as a consequence to his decision if he can't. He closed the door to your future plans when he chose to shag someone else - you didn't do that and he does not get to blame you for that nor guilt you with it.

"if I should forgive and move forwards together rather than break up the otherwise happy family unit"

Again, you didn't break up an otherwise happy family unit, he did. That's not your responsibility to take and by talking like this he's shifting accountability from himself onto you which is exactly why you can't forgive him or get past it.

"He made a number of excuses before apologising for what had happened, these included my mood swings and being snappy making him feel unwanted"
He's not sorry he did it, he's sorry he got caught and now he just doesn't want to deal with the aftermath so he's gaslighting you to try and make this your fault. This is abusive and manipulative. And again is why you can't forgive him because you know deep down he's not actually held himself accountable and therefore won't actually change - you'll never be able to trust him again.

I think he's a first class arsehole op and I think you did the right thing by leaving, do not go back, he will let you down again and next time your kids might be old enough to remember it.

My ex cheated on me the week I gave birth, I forgave him because I believed that I was obligated to give it a chance for ds sake. We went for counselling and he said all the right things (unlike your h) and he was lying through it all and I found out he was still cheating 6 months later. I left and haven't looked back. My only silver lining is that ds was too little to remember it all and he'll grow up knowing that I have respect for myself and that cheating is not something he should tolerate or expect to have tolerated. Stay strong, lean on your support networks and move for divorce with any evidence you have of his affair.

PrivateMusic · 12/10/2025 22:28

You owe it to your child to not be with that selfish arsehole.

Lavender14 · 12/10/2025 22:33

Sashya · 12/10/2025 22:25

This must be so hard for you - and the last thing you need with a small child, and a baby on the way.

As to what you said - "I can't understand why" - that bit is actually not difficult. Understanding the Why is easy. Moving past, forgiving and re-building the relationship is the hard bit.

There are many reasons people cheat. Most of those are about them, not the relationship, and not their partner. You have been together for 6 years - and in those times had a baby, and multiple losses. It's a lot for any relationship to deal with, and certainly in such short period of time.

Men and women are different on so many dimensions. We, women, like to imagine that when paired up and going through getting pregnant, etc - men are on the same page with us, and think like us. But they are not us.
While we become singlehandedly focused on getting pregnant; or our emotions about pregnancy loss; and about trying again - they are supporting us, but they are not feeling the same as us. And they do often end up feeling like they lose their place in a relationship as a partner - and baby, or trying for it, overtakes in importance. And some - like your H - have trouble dealing with it.
This is the Why.

I am not excusing any of it. Men are weaker species than us, and they are, at their core - very selfish, and they do struggle putting themselves last for any period of time. Some are better at keeping it in check, many more are not.

As to what you do with this all now - it's really up to you. And I'd also say it's up to the support network you have, as your life is about to become a lot harder - after your 2nd child is born.
People make mistakes, and it is not impossible to move forward from this - if you decide that this is best for you and your family. Most marriages do not break down after infidelity - according to marriage councillors.
And equally - some people do break up and co-parent.

Given the age of your child and upcoming baby - I'd probably be pragmatic and let him be around to help. And I'd decide what to do about the relationship later, once through the hardest bits, in whichever way you define it.
Or - if you have a good support network and don't need his help - I'd give myself as much time as necessary to decide.

Wow the bar is just so very very low for men. This is equivalent to saying they just can't help themselves. What rubbish. Many, many men support partners and wives through losses and other challenges and step up to the mantle. It was not a mistake - a mistake is maybe at a stretch a drunken kiss. He made consecutive choices.

Op my thinking, having been in very similar shoes is give yourself as much time away from him as you practically can because you'll naturally be feeling hormonal and vulnerable and this guy is already trying to exploit this by gaslighting you which is an abusive trait. So I'd highly recommend you ignore this presumably well-intentioned advice.

Hoardasurass · 12/10/2025 22:34

He not only chose to cheat on you putting your health at risk but the health of your unborn child. That fact alone regardless of anything else tells you all you need to know about this man and why dumping his cheating arse was the right thing to do. His lies, minimizing and blame shifting is just adding insult to injury. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this right now @Sobersally please take care of yourself and ignore him as much as possible.

Onthemaintrunkline · 12/10/2025 22:35

This is someone who’s head is easily turned, gives way to temptation, who’s moral boundaries and loyalty are at best indistinct or absent.

I’m so dreadfully sorry you have been treated this way, the hurt must be collossal. This is a monumental fall from grace on his behalf. The biggest casualty, I think is the trust issue. Is he even aware of the hurt he has caused, or does he expect that a few sorrys will fix it….and then irritable when it doesn’t? Are you able, or do you want to trust him again? The risk is, when/if he’ll do it again.

I do wish you well, focus if you can on your life as it is now, leave him to clear up the mess he’s created.

Breli · 12/10/2025 22:36

What would you advise your son or daughter to do if they were in your situation?

Dery · 12/10/2025 22:36

If a man cannot be faithful when his female partner is at home pregnant with his baby and raising his tiny child (ie when she is at her most vulnerable and he should be at his most instinctively protective), he can NEVER be trusted. The man’s a swine. Get rid and keep him gone.

CrazyGoatLady · 12/10/2025 22:41

Sashya · 12/10/2025 22:25

This must be so hard for you - and the last thing you need with a small child, and a baby on the way.

As to what you said - "I can't understand why" - that bit is actually not difficult. Understanding the Why is easy. Moving past, forgiving and re-building the relationship is the hard bit.

There are many reasons people cheat. Most of those are about them, not the relationship, and not their partner. You have been together for 6 years - and in those times had a baby, and multiple losses. It's a lot for any relationship to deal with, and certainly in such short period of time.

Men and women are different on so many dimensions. We, women, like to imagine that when paired up and going through getting pregnant, etc - men are on the same page with us, and think like us. But they are not us.
While we become singlehandedly focused on getting pregnant; or our emotions about pregnancy loss; and about trying again - they are supporting us, but they are not feeling the same as us. And they do often end up feeling like they lose their place in a relationship as a partner - and baby, or trying for it, overtakes in importance. And some - like your H - have trouble dealing with it.
This is the Why.

I am not excusing any of it. Men are weaker species than us, and they are, at their core - very selfish, and they do struggle putting themselves last for any period of time. Some are better at keeping it in check, many more are not.

As to what you do with this all now - it's really up to you. And I'd also say it's up to the support network you have, as your life is about to become a lot harder - after your 2nd child is born.
People make mistakes, and it is not impossible to move forward from this - if you decide that this is best for you and your family. Most marriages do not break down after infidelity - according to marriage councillors.
And equally - some people do break up and co-parent.

Given the age of your child and upcoming baby - I'd probably be pragmatic and let him be around to help. And I'd decide what to do about the relationship later, once through the hardest bits, in whichever way you define it.
Or - if you have a good support network and don't need his help - I'd give myself as much time as necessary to decide.

What rot. What "help" is this selfish, cheating piece of shit going to be with a young baby whose needs have to come before his?

Why is the bar so low for men? Why do women accept such poor treatment? Is it really worse being alone than having your self esteem and self worth eaten away, and having to cope with a man baby as well as an actual baby?

VVM · 12/10/2025 23:03

Yes my daughter is 3 months old. He cheated in the beginning when I was about 3 months pregnant, plus got caught out doing heaps of sh*t, dating sites for one when I was 6 months. He swore every time he was sorry. He cheated again after she was born and guess what I’m currently sat being treated for an sti. I’m not saying your partner couldn’t change because anybody is capable of changing and we’re all only human so do fck up but only you know your partner and the situation of your relationship. I think it takes a long time to make a man stop and think about what he’s about to lose before he will be sincerely sorry and remorseful but it can be done

Sashya · 13/10/2025 00:26

It is not about the bar being low or hi. It is about OP having a small child and about to have a baby - and doing what's best for herself and kids.
Why should her H get a pass on not being there and not doing his bit when it's the hardest????

Of course he can be of great help and must be there for the sleepless nights, and taking care of his children. And this is a separate issue from whether or not OP decides to be in a relationship with him again.

I am not saying OP needs to get back with H now. She can take all the time she needs to decide. However - personally - given how pregnant she is - the bigger question is how to get through birth and the hard early days.

Has he made a mistake? Is he really sorry and willing to do what it takes to prove it to OP? ---- No one knows the answers to these questions.
But given where OP is - unfortunately, I don't think it's all black and white. And she needs her time and space to know what is best for her and her family.

Lavender14 · 13/10/2025 01:22

Sashya · 13/10/2025 00:26

It is not about the bar being low or hi. It is about OP having a small child and about to have a baby - and doing what's best for herself and kids.
Why should her H get a pass on not being there and not doing his bit when it's the hardest????

Of course he can be of great help and must be there for the sleepless nights, and taking care of his children. And this is a separate issue from whether or not OP decides to be in a relationship with him again.

I am not saying OP needs to get back with H now. She can take all the time she needs to decide. However - personally - given how pregnant she is - the bigger question is how to get through birth and the hard early days.

Has he made a mistake? Is he really sorry and willing to do what it takes to prove it to OP? ---- No one knows the answers to these questions.
But given where OP is - unfortunately, I don't think it's all black and white. And she needs her time and space to know what is best for her and her family.

"Why should her H get a pass on not being there and not doing his bit when it's the hardest???? Of course he can be of great help and must be there for the sleepless nights, and taking care of his children. And this is a separate issue from whether or not OP decides to be in a relationship with him again."

op has written that her ex has used her pregnancy against her and blamed her for his infidelity and then been grumpy with her for not just getting over it. This isn't just a one off infidelity, this is someone who is potentially abusive and who we know is actively gaslighting her. So actually it's not just about practical help in the immediate pp period or in the run up to birth, it's about safeguarding op and her children from someone who's potentially abusive when she's going to be at her most vulnerable. He's tried to take advantage of her being pregnant and vulnerable already so we know he has form.

"Is he really sorry and willing to do what it takes to prove it to OP? ---- No one knows the answers to these questions." We do know the answer to this from what he has directly told op and how he's reacted to the situation.

teddywithpinkears · 13/10/2025 01:22

A mistake? Twice? Wow.
Op you are the one who has to make the decision but I’m so sorry.
None of it was your fault and nobody deserves that.

CurlyCabbage · 13/10/2025 01:41

You are being gaslit. Only he is to blame for the breakdown of this relationship. And that is whats happened here. The relationship is done for. If he cant be trusted at your most vulnerable then he cannot be trusted ever again.

i hope you have support OP.

T800 · 13/10/2025 02:00

I'm so sorry too it's heartbreaking I did 5 years of this and tried to look past it with false promises lies etc even through a whole pregnancy last icing on cake and after same girl whos now his enabler after all abuse he put me through she came 1st not his daughter ,til ì opened my mouth sadly they don't change or if that very rare they do but you need to put you and that baby 1st if 2 times already most likely be a 3rd so on...unless he is willing to put in effort and work on himself and with you actions forever speak louder than words but love I was destroyed at the end of it do not let that happen but eventually you do whatever you feel is right but theres always the breaking point or they eventually leave themselves for someone more ignoring too it❤️

HoppingPavlova · 13/10/2025 02:47

So, it was a ‘sorry’ with a big BUT, and turning it back on yourself. Nope, I’d not be tolerating that.

NumbersGuy · 13/10/2025 05:54

He made a number of excuses before apologising for what had happened, these included my mood swings and being snappy making him feel unwanted (pregnant, working full time plus raising a young child)!!
OP, please remember this when you have self-doubt about moving forward, and realize that it's not a matter of the people stating here that "Men are weaker species than us" because it goes for both genders in the way of being monogamous. In America, over 34% of the millions of DNA tests taken prove that the child is not biologically related to the child in question. In fact, a state in America recently passed a law that a DNA test is required in the hospital before a father and child must be completed before the birth certificate is signed to prevent potential paternity fraud, which had mothers upset beyond measure. So it's not a matter that you can't trust men to be faithful - you just need to find the right one who can be. Never stop relying on yourself to be your own provider and caregiver; find someone to complement you, not complete you.