Infidelity during pregnancy

[Sobersally]

Hello I am after some advice/a moan/wondering if anyone else has been or is in this situation.
Currently 7 months pregnant with our 2nd child, much longed for baby after multiple losses (not sure if relevant to the situation) but gives context that we were both very excited and have so many plans for the future together. DP & I have been together for 6 years, have a shared mortgage and young child together already.
I recently found out that earlier in the pregnancy he slept with another woman on 2 occasions after nights out with friends. He is adamant this was a mistake but I just can’t get past this. He wants to make our relationship and family work and is frustrated with me for ending the relationship and closing the door to all of our future plans we have made together. Obviously I would love nothing more than to have my family together but I cannot understand him having sex with another woman whilst I am at home with his child and pregnant. He has made me second guess myself and wonder if I should forgive and move forwards together rather than break up the otherwise happy family unit. I feel so hurt and disrespected. He made a number of excuses before apologising for what had happened, these included my mood swings and being snappy making him feel unwanted (pregnant, working full time plus raising a young child)!!

You can't get over cheating by someone who isn't even sorry. And he's not sorry. He's blaming you and pressuring you to get over it without taking responsibility. There's no hope here, I'm sorry

Thank you so much everyone this all echoes my thoughts exactly, just very hard to make sense of things when he causes me to doubt myself. I didn’t even realise I was being gaslit until I read your comments - which surprises me because I thought I would have a much stronger mindset if I ever found myself in this situation! I guess it really is different when you’re on the inside of it!

I also suspect as others have said that it’s more about him being caught, he has been very defensive and took a while to get an apology, there has been no other real effort to make things right and he avoids any discussion about it at all costs. I now wouldn’t be surprised if this was not the first time this has happened due to his reaction to me finding out. He is annoyed that I can’t just move forwards together with him and forget any of this ever happened so I can see he is minimising my feelings and focussing on my reaction to his behaviour - not on the behaviour itself. I don’t think I will get past this, he’s not giving me much hope! It is a very hard time and I’m really upset about the damage this has caused and the hurt I am going through during a time that should be so exciting and precious.
I am sorry to hear of others who have gone through similar and that it has continued to happen in the following years, some men are just awful!

Yes, sorry you’re in this position, OP.

But he’s a completely unsafe partner for you. He thinks it’s okay to sleep with another woman while you’re pregnant and blame you for it ie he thinks what he did was basically okay, he’s just annoyed he got caught. It’s unlikely this is his first rodeo. He has zero standards for his own behaviour and he has none of the right instincts towards you - you’re particularly vulnerable when you’re pregnant and have tiny children and he should instinctively be particularly protective. If he can cheat on you now, he can and will do it any time.

DP & I have been together for 6 years, have a shared mortgage and young child together already.

You arent married so your situation is bad from a financial pov.

Ideally you leave - easy to say hard to so with a new born.bwyond anything else id be raging he has destroyed mine and the children's lives for a meaningless shag AND ruined my pregnancy but thats by the by.

If you decide your self esteem is too poor and you "cant" leave ideally aim to marry so when you finally have had enough you will be less screwed than you are now.

Also stop having any sexual contact with him

This.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, op.

This is extremely selfish and dangerous behaviour on his part. He could of contracted syphlis, chlamydia and gonnera through unprotected oral sex, which in paticularly syphlis would have catastrophic effects on your unborn baby! Syphlis has become a thing again unfortunately for whatever reason and its very contagious even through kissing if he has it orally.
If he had unprotected vaginal sex it's even worse.
Pushing aside the fact that he could of caused you loosing the baby, he has hurt you emotionally and is trying to blame you.
Get legal advice and get rid of him. Also explain to your doctor so its on record and you will have to have std tests now, 30 days and 3 months.
As somebody who forgave a cheating partner, it has destroyed my mental health and confidence where ive questioned every move

Op just to say have you had a sexual health check done? These can be done at home now but it would be important given your pregnancy and you could talk to your midwife about it. Do you have a decent support network you can lean on? I would be focusing on getting him out of the house as opposed to you leaving since you aren't married and have a small child already. I'd arrange a consultation with a solicitor and a citizens advice service to understand what help you're entitled to. I'd also be looking into any proof of his income you can find for cms.

@Sashya do you really think based on what OP has said here that this is a man who is sorry and will not repeat this behaviour? Or one who is likely to step up and do his fair share of night feeds and nappy changes, if he's off out shagging before the baby has even arrived, not once but twice? And is it really worth putting up with a lying, cheating toerag just to have a few nappies changed here and there?

Thanks all, I will get some legal advice re finances and house. I do have a good support network and people I can stay with if needed although not ideal but I do need to get out of this horrible situation. No I haven’t had an STI test I only found this out at the weekend. I have my 32wk midwife appointment tomorrow so I will talk about it there, it’s so horrible and so embarrassing but I guess that’s the situation he has put me in and now it’s up to me to change things for myself and the children. Like some of you have said he should be instinctively protective at the moment and he’s being the complete opposite, it’s really sad and disappointing

It is incredibly sad and disappointing, OP. Well done for standing firm. It’s good you have support in real life and can discuss it with your midwife tomorrow.

I mean, I could almost see ONCE being a mistake. But twice is a conscious choice.

I fail to see how even once could be construed as a " mistake".
And I seriously doubt it has happened on only two occasions.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP.

If he is had intimacy with you after unprotected oral or vaginal sex with you then he has put his unborn babies life and health in danger. What a horrible person.
Make sure you get it on record so uou have proof of how careless he is

I'd be open to the possiblity that he was found out for these two "mistakes" but they may not be the only one's he's made. Be open with your midwife, you have absolutely nothing to feel embarassed about, he is the one who took the actions and will have to deal with the consqeuences of losing his family.

There would be an outside chance you could work through this and move forward in the relationship together if there was any accountability on his part but there is zero, and he is trying to reframe it as somehow your fault. A stain of a man. Leave him behind you, seek legal advice immediately and have as little contact as possible with him regarding the children. Use a co-parenting app for this to minimise need for him to be able to access you via email or text.

@Sashya makes some very good points. Take your time and do what is right for you right now

If you accept his excuses this time then he’ll use the same excuses every time he makes a “mistake” and he’ll never accept that he’s cheating.

Get legal advice re the house and mortgage and tell your family and friends what’s happened. Lean on them and don’t let him to rewrite history.

I also found it all very humiliating op, but i soon realised that it's not my humiliation to take on. It was his. And the same applies to you. I'm very proud now of myself for the strength it took to leave and to set better standards for myself and my son and to give my son more security going forwards. It's not easy by any means but it is doable especially with a good support network. The first step is not covering for him, be honest with people who have your best interests at heart about what's happened. This is his shame and not your secret to keep on his behalf.