Advice … I’m leaving him tomorrow

[Nisha1994]

After many many months of trying everything, including therapy, to save my relationship with the father of my child, I’m going to leave him tomorrow. I’m doing it in a therapy session, so that the therapist can help me to get him to understand that there may not be logical reasoning that he understands, but this is the situation and right now there’s nothing he can do to change it.
At first, I’m going for the ‘trial separation’ angle because it’s going to come as a complete and total shock to him despite consistent hints and warnings for almost a year.
I am a stay at home mum with a part time wellbeing business which doesn’t make me much money just yet, and up until this point I’ve been very reliant on my soon-to-be-ex as was the agreement when I decided to leave my job as a teacher.
I’m going to be staying at my parents for a short while, but then will need to find housing and look into what benefits I’m entitled to until I figure things out financially and decide what I want to do re childcare.
any advice? I’m sick to my stomach with anxiety over tomorrow and struggling to see how this is all going to pan out even though I know it’s what needs to happen and is the best thing for everyone involved as we absolutely cannot carry on like this

Hope it goes well, I'm sure it's not been an easy decision to reach but sounds like you've spent a long time thinking about it and it's the right thing for you and your DC.
Purely on the practical side, have you thought through what happens after the therapy session? How will he take it, are you going in separate vehicles, will you have to go back home together and eat dinner with the DC etc? You don't have to answer those here, just think through all the potential outcomes and make sure you're sorted in case he doesn't react how you expect, especially as regards your DC. Good luck, it will be hard but you know it will be worth it!

STOP AND READ! You really should consult a solicitor before doing this. You should not leave the house. The main caregiver (almost always the mum) and the child usually stay in the marital home, at least until the terms of the divorce are settled. Once you leave it, you might find it hard to get back in. Leaving with your DC will be very unsettling for them. In separation agreements, that's why the courts usually rule that what the DC's been used to stays as-is.

The fact that you're planning to leave the marital home and have not had a consultation with a solicitor tells me you are not yet adequately prepared. Please, please see one before you inform him the marriage is over. One hour with mine saved me.

You're a stay-at-home mum. HE needs to leave and find new housing, NOT you. Any divorce lawyer will tell you this. And it's so, so much better for your DC that both of you (the DC and you) stay, at least until everything's worked out. It may well be that you and the DC stay there until their education is finished. Leaving the house at this stage is a HUGE error.

@CrystalShoeshe hasnt mentioned whether she's married, given she described him as 'father of my child' rather than 'husband' i would assume not. If the house is his, she has done the correct thing finding herself somewhere to go. If the property is joint, he has every right to be there and she cannot order him to leave unfortunately

We aren’t married and the property is solely his, but thank you

Is the house owned or rented?

You have a child together though, and the courts will still want their situation to be disrupted as little as possible. The fact that you're not married but have a child is even more reason to see a solicitor before you go ahead with this. You must find out where you stand.

Op, when my xh and I separated, I left the fmh with DD. Bad things did not happen and it was the best decision for me for many reasons.

It's not about ordering someone to leave; no one can order anyone to leave immediately from their habitual residence - you get a court order - and that's not what I was saying at all. What I was saying is that SHE shouldn't leave without taking advice. Assuming you can't agree, you have to go to court and let them make an order to decide what happens.

They may not be married but they have a child. That changes everything, and makes it even more important that she gets legal advice about where she stands before she does anything.

@CrystalShoe
She doesn't stand anywhere
They're not married
The 'courts' will only be interested if they can't reach a child arrangement themselves, and that deals with how time is spent with each parent, not who stays in the house.

Does your therapist know you are going to do this? They are meant to be independent from both of you I’m thinking you are misusing them.Unless you are afraid of your partner I think this is something you should do just the two of you. Also can you assume that you can take your child without any discussion assuming you both have parental rights?

She should take legal advice before doing anything.

Clearly she wants to leave, if that's best for her abs her child, that is what she should do.

Well she can take legal advice about how much child maintenance he will need to pay, but it seems an expensive way to find out information that's freely available on a government website.

Hi there. Hugs first. Been there. I'm a benefits adviser and my first advice is to go onto a calculator like Turn2Us to look at possible benefits entitlement- later you'll need to include housing costs in this (part of UC if you are entitled) depending on what happens housing wise. You can also contact a local advice service. Important to also sort child maintenance but you'll already know this. Ensure you already have all important paperwork or copies of before you go to stay elsewhere- especially your child's paperwork. Good luck 💕 advice to see a solicitor first is completely valid of course

OP, you can apply for Schedule One support under the Children's Act of 1989 regardless of whether you're married. This kind of knowledge is why I highly recommend you see a solicitor before you split.

osborneslaw.com/blog/unmarried-with-children-splitting-up/

Schedule One support under the 1989 Children's Act. She needs advice.

I'm a little bit worried that people are trying to give legal advice without knowing the full story. If the DWP owns the house in his sole name, no one can make him leave unless there has been violence, and there has been no mention of violence.

Yes of course, but she really needs to take legal advice before she does it. Schedule one support is available to unmarried parents, and a separation agreement is a good idea too. She must take legal advice in the first instance. I can't stress that enough. It's mostly for the DC's benefit.

https://osborneslaw.com/blog/unmarried-with-children-splitting-up/

OP, see also this link about the usefulness of separation agreements if not married:

https://amicable.io/your-legal-rights-when-separating-if-unmarried-

There is a child involved, and for this reason she should seek legal advice before she does anything. I don't think anyone's giving legal advice or telling her that she should attempt to make him leave, which she can't do anyway. Taking legal advice before splitting up when there's a child involved is an extremely sensible idea.

I’ve spoken to the therapist in advance, and she has agreed to support me, yeah.
He is working away overnight after the therapy session so it makes sense that she stay with me and when he’s not working away he can see her whenever he likes.
He’s a great dad. He’s just not the partner that I need and we aren’t right for one another, which I’m sure he’ll see in the long run

How old is your child?

How far away are your parents?

I would think he will feel humiliated that you are doing this in front of the therapist. It also signals to him that you are weak and he may use that to his advantage later on.

See a solicitor is your first step and tell him yourself that you wish to split up. Bring in g in a third party is not a good idea.

It's also not great for the counsellor who is supposed to be impartial to collude with you in pretending that it's just a break when you actually want to split. You should be open and honest with him about it all.

I think this is a terrible idea actually. Ending a relationship in a therapy session is really poor form. It’s basically you and therapist telling him he is dumped, you are just giving him a witness to his humiliation because you are too weak to do it yourself. This is cruel behaviour, if you want to end the relationship have the balls to just tell him to his face without an audience. Also all the posters telling the OP to kick him out and get a court order to stay in his house are insane and not legally trained. She has zero chance of this happening, it’s not her house and she doesn’t even have a job to pay for it so a moot point.

She is two. My parents are just 15 min away and she regularly sees and stays with them so this won’t be a particularly unusual thing for us to do