My friend is always taking her kids on holiday…

[tottlee]

My friend and her DH are well off, they both earn good money and they have 2 kids age 10 and 3. They go on holiday around 8 times a year. They’ve always been travellers and I always used to think good on them for doing what makes them happy, but over the last couple of years I can’t help but feel that it has become a problem for them. They seem to be stressed if they don’t have another one booked, and I dare say anything because I think they have become addicted to the escapism of it all.

Both their children have ADHD and dyslexia and it’s clear they are craving routine and stability, plus additional support. Their oldest child has started complaining that she doesn’t want to go away anymore, and their youngest has already been “diagnosed” by nursery staff as probably/definitely ND.

My friend’s sister has upset them by saying she thinks they should lay off the holidays a bit, go away slightly less and make sure the kids don’t miss out on school and events in the school holidays (to be fare to them they generally go away during the school hols or close to the school hols). But this has offended them and when my friend was moaning about her sister to me I didn’t want to say that I actually agree with her sister.
Not only this but their house is a tip and unclean.
My friends husband has a drink problem and I think he cannot handle normal home life, the monotony of cooking, cleaning, washing etc, but the holiday addiction is, I feel, become unhealthy and stopping their children thrive, despite the fact they can clearly afford it. WWYD?

Keep out of it if you want to remain friends- her sister got no thanks for voicing her opinion!

I don’t see why you need to do anything. The last thing a child with ADHD needs is routine as it’s the spontaneity of holidays that is probably doing them good.

Given neurodiversity is often genetic and two children in the family give a stronger weight to this, the parent/s probably also have ADHD and want to escape the monotony of every day life. It’s sounds like they are medicating themselves in a way that works.

Their house is filthy and the dad has a drink problem and your concern is holidays?

This.

I think the house is a tip because they’re rarely in it and her DHs drink problem is fuelled by all the holidays.

I think you are very judgemental about a situation you aren’t in and will be unaware of many of the finer details. It’s clear this person isn’t your friend given how you talk about them, so just leave them to enjoy their holidays and you can continue your life away from them.

What would I do?

I wouldn't be friends with people who I don't like and who I think are bad parents.

Absolutely this. WWYD ? I’d mind my own business and stop being judgemental about a so called friend that it doesn’t seem I actually like very much

Unless the kids are at risk, it’s nothing to do with you

My friends husband has a drink problem and I think he cannot handle normal home life, the monotony of cooking, cleaning, washing etc, but the holiday addiction is, I feel, become unhealthy and stopping their children thrive, despite the fact they can clearly afford it.

Neurodiversity is inheritable, to a really high extent. Adults with untreated ADHD are more than three times more likely to develop a substance abuse problem than the general population, and the monotony of home life is exactly the sort of thing that they struggle with due to the repetitive and unrewarding nature of it. Given these two factors, I’m not surprised that the house is a mess and they book a lot of holidays.

Either way, I’d keep out of it if I were you. There are very few circumstances in which your opinions will be welcomed.

This is quite a judgmental post which you posted clearly to hear people echo your own negative view of your "friend".

Unless she has asked your advice or you think her kids are genuinely being harmed, then it's none of your business how they live their lives. If their kids really hate the holidays then it will solve itself in that regard as they get older and flatly refuse to go.

This is soooo none of your business

Eight times a year is once every school holiday and three times in the summer. Seems a lovely opportunity. At the end of the day the parents know their kids best. If you want to help maybe they need support to declutter and streamline their lives or find a cleaner.

@tottlee

getting the vibe from you Op that you are one of these people who isn’t holidays and can see no need to travel out of the U.K
@tottlee

We go away a couple of times a year, I love holidays! It’s not so much about the holidays themselves but the fact they keep getting away from normal life, not cleaning their house etc. I think they are being selfish as the kids aren’t asking to go away they’re going away to suite themselves. I’m all for ND people doing what makes them happy but feel the habit has become excessive and it looks like it’s only getting worse.

The only thing to do here is stop being friends with them, you clearly don't like them at all.

You're more concerned about holidays than a supposed filthy house and a drink problem, which, somehow, are both caused by holidays.

It is coming across like you're a bit jealous tbh.

If you have real concerns contact the school or SS, if not then just keep your nose out.

@tottlee

so they wanna escape the monotony of every day life and domestic drudge as much as possible….so what?? Don’t we all??

You’re just coming across worse each time you post. Just accept you aren’t the sort of person that these people would want as a friend and leave them to happily enjoy their holidays and future without you in it.

Both kids have dyslexia and adhd.The 3 year old is to young to diagnose.

If this woman is really a friend you care about, and her house is unclean and her husband has a drinking problem, talk to her as a friend about being worried for her because of those things and if there’s anything she’d like to talk about. If you can’t do that, then rethink what friendship means to you.

The rest of it isn’t your business, she and her husband are the ones parenting their children whilst you (and your friend’s sister) get only momentary snapshots into their lives. Parents of children with conditions like ASD and ADHD are used to hearing half the world having a pop about how it must be poor parenting and no discipline or structure, so it’s no wonder your friend is annoyed with her sister. You have no idea whether the children crave the sort of routine you think they need or whether their difficulties are just how their conditions manifest. And for all you know, they might holiday so frequently because it’s when away from struggles at school and difficulties trying to fit in, and when they aren’t full to the grind trying to manage work and family life that their children thrive and they they get the best family time

I'd keep out of it. The school will take notice soon enough, especially when the older one starts secondary, and all these holidays are impacting progress, homework etc.

Both kids have ADHD and dyslexia? The 3 yo must be the youngest ever child diagnosed. How do you know the children are craving routine? ADHDers usually prefer excitement.
This is either a completely made up story or you are a jealous, judgemental friend who has sprinkled a few lies in your story to try and get people on your side.

There’s absolutely nothing you can do

I would be mortified if I knew my ‘friends’ were talking about how untidy my house was. They have 2 young children, I don’t think many people have a particularly tidy house with 3 year olds around. Do you judge all your friends this way?

The messy house, the drinking and the frequent holidays are likely undiagnosed ADHD in the dad. The mum quite possibly has it too because otherwise she’d be doing all the cleaning and just another mum on here doing everything.

The 3 year old is too young to actually have an opinion if it’s too much holidays and if they’d rather stay home. Also too young to have an ADHD diagnosis. So it will be the 10 year old that has expressed staying home but this could just be down to wanting to go to their friends parties or go to a local theme park during the holidays with them. They are unlikely going to be wanting the stability of home.

If you want to be a friend to them, ask if either of them has been diagnosed with ADHD, whether they’ve considered it because there is a very strong genetic component. You could ask your friend if she needs help decluttering or finding a cleaner. You could causally mention that you find the variety of hello fresh or others really interesting and it stops you getting bored and the step by step instructions are really easy to follow. Not all of these will work, it’ll depend on your friend and how open you are with each other. There are a number of ways to be a friend, to support a couple where at least one clearly has undiagnosed ADHD and they have at least one ND child and another showing early signs than to criticise the number of holidays they have. The main they obviously gain novelty in their lives.

Do you really, genuinely believe that his drink problem is caused by all these holidays? Or are you just saying that because it gives a bit more padding to your idea that they go away too much?
Also you say their house is a tip because they’re barely in it…are you really believing their house is messy just because they go on 8 holidays a year? How long are their holidays? Let’s say they average on a week each, that’s 44 weeks of the year they’re still at home. I really would be surprised their house is a tip because they’re barely in it due to holidays, their house is a tip because they don’t bother tidying up. I feel the messy house and husbands drink issue are absolutely nothing to do with their holidays.

And to answer your question “WWYD”… I would do absolutely nothing.