DH told me he's only here for the kids and to pay off our joint debts...

[Toothache]

... to name but a few of the things he said.

I've been feeling very neglected by DH recently. He's been quite distant and hasn't shown me affection since our 1st wedding anniversary in October. Even then he got angry with me for feeling nervous about having sex (it was the 1st time since having dd 12wks before). I had a mirena coil fitted 2 wks ago and he showed no concern for how much pain I was in afterwards or sore it was at the time. When I mentioned that he got angry saying that how was he to know I was in pain! There's the problem, it didn't even cross his mind to ask how I was.
I finally brought the subject up on Wednesday. His reaction kind of shocked me. He got angry with me saying that I was wanting too much from him. He said that he'd apologised about the way he was on our anniversary and why was I still going on about it. I told him that it was much more than just that night, but it was indicative of how little he seems to care for my feelings. It went on and on..... I was crying so hard by this point and he just got angrier and angrier. He was screaming at me that he couldn't handle talking about this and that I needed to give him space. After being out for a cigarette he came in and apologised and said he realised he wasn't showing me the attention I deserved and he'd try hard not to take me for granted (he blamed his reaction on stress at work)..... I just left it at that.

Next morning he didn't utter a word to me other than to offer me a coffee. I sat there in silence with him until I was ready to BURST! I asked him why he was still being so cold toward me. It was like he punishing me for the night before. It all blew up again and he said that he just couldn't bring himself to think of my feelings and to stop me hurting. He said he's just too selfish a person. Then he said he wanted to love me for the sake of the kids but he couldn't. I was hysterical. . I think I cried all day yesterday. Ds was at my Mums and luckily dd is too young to really know whats happening. He was going to walk out there and then and leave me in this hysterical state with the baby.

I am ashamed and embarassed to admit that I begged him to stay. He kept saying no. That he wanted to go to his friends house and just get drunk (to sort his head out apparently).

He ended up staying, but only if I promised not to talk about all that had happened. I can't believe how cruel he is being towards me. I sat last night miserable, scared to mention how upset I was, scared to cry in case he just left. Is it just me or is that really unfair??

He said that he does love me and wants to make it work and that he is trully sorry for how he has been (and still is) acting, but that he couldn't deal with it last night..... so I wasn't to talk about it. We are going out for a meal on Saturday to talk about it. How can I forgive him for being so cold and hurtful? And for saying all those things? I can't believe him when he says he loves me. Will I ever get through this? Should I try to sort it out or should I walk away??

I am so hurt and confused by all this. I don't know what I've done. He says the problem is he never gets anytime to be on his own away from me and the kids..... NEITHER DO I! My own reaction shocked me. I couldn't believe I was being so weak and pathetic, begging him not to leave me. I hate myself for not just saying fine then, bugger off... you don't give a sh*t about me anyway!

My head is spinning with it all. Please help me.

Hope last night went well for you. FWIW I think your dh is being extremely selfish and unkind towards you. I can understand his need for space, but as you said, you need space too. Could you agree a rota whereby he goes out one eveing and you go out another, or at the weekend? It worried me that, even when he is kind to you, you think it is only a temporary thing for him and not that he has genuinely turned the corner. If that is the case, you may be better of without him. But I am not in favour of relationships breaking up without the couple trying to do all they can to save it first, so I hope you manage to persuade him to try Relate soon. It really sounds as though you need a third person there to help you both bring all your issues out into the open.

Hi Toothache. Did you manage to get any satsifaction from your conversation last night with dh? How are you feeling about things today?

Thanks everyone. Last night was good fun.... and a laugh... and all things good. BUT We never really talked over anything. We just seemed to both blank it out and kept the evening lighthearted. So it was good to go out and relax with DH and have a laugh.... but nothing was resolved.

We are definitely going to go to counselling. He is really keen to go too (that was one thing we did kind of throw into the conversation last night!). SO I suppose that it promising and showns that he geniunely acknowledges that we have problems and that he wants to make an effort to resolve them.

Potqueen - thanks for you advice. And I'm so sorry to hear that your DH has had an affair! I hope you can work through it.

We live in Scotland and we don't have RELATE as such, I hope it just works the same way up here though with the income-related donation.

Lonelymum - you're right, I am never convinced that DH has made a permanent change.... maybe that's a fault in me that I have no faith in him.

Thank you all for your wonderful advice and words of support too! MN is the business eh?!?

Spelling mistakes galore in that post!! I'm a little hungover..

I read your thread earlier but never posted on it. I am glad you had fun last night, even if you skated over the surface of things. I think if you enjoy each other's company and can be relaxed together, that's a good sign there is lots going for you. Hope whatever counselling you decide on is helpful. Good luck!

Toothache I've only just seen this and I'm really sorry to hear you've been having such a bad time. I can't help feeling angry with your DH - although it may not be my place to feel angry - but it just seems to me that you've given him so many second chances about so many things, and been so understanding, and he just flings it all back in your face and gives you no support.

My DH is Mr Angry a lot of the time too at the moment . It just makes you feel like you're about two inches tall, doesn't it, when they have a pop because you ask for a little bit of help?

Anyway, glad you had a pleasant time yesterday evening anyway. All the best,

Dinosaur

Toothache I am in Scotland and have been to Relate.

The offices were just off Charing Cross.

Personally I found it worse than useless and we are now divorced but hope you fare better if that is what you are after.

Toothache - sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. Hopefully the counselling will give you both some insight into what is going on. I have to say though that your DH's behaviour sounds like that of a friend of mine's DH. He has been diagnosed with manic depression and is much better since he started medication. It may well be that your Dh cannot help himself at times and feels out of control. Hope you can work it out.

sorry to hear, hope it works out at the counselling (as least thats a starting point to resolve your and his problems).

Thanks everyone,

Central Scotland Counselling phoned me back yesterday and I had a nice chat with the girl on the phone. We are booked in for our 1st appointment on Tuesday 1st March. Seems so long away and things aren't much better here. No big arguments, but lots of bitterness, short-temperedness (is that word??) and no intimacy at all. He has been trying, he gives me a hug and a kiss when he comes in now. (BIG DEAL!).

I just know that if it is depression he will NEVER admit it. He won't discuss that and he certainly won't go to the GP. Nothing much else I can do if he isn't willing to make an effort. Today I feel a bit like "what's the point".

Hi again mumsnetters. Just a quick post.... things are still terrible. In fact, 3 days ago DH swerved in the car (just lost concentration for a sec). When I reacted with an involuntary gasp he started screaming and shouting at me saying I had given him a fright when he was driving and that I was out of order! He actually ened up saying he hated me. He said it with such contempt and feeling, I really think he meant it. The worst thing was the kids were in the back seat. Ds was telling him he was being a bad man. It was awful. As usual he eventually apologised and said he doesn't know whats wrong with him and he's going to go to the doctor to chat about it. yeah right.... heard it!

Feel lost and empty and tired of fighting with a man who clearly has no repsect for me. It seems that whenever there is a little tension between us he blows up. And it ALWAYS results in him calling me names and telling me he can't cope with me. I really don't know what I'm doing that he finds so hard to cope with.

Anyway.... off to finish a bottle of wine now. I always feel better having typed stuff out.

so sorry to hear that things have not improved -- hope you are getting support from friends -otherwise keep talking to us here

sorry to hear this toothache

so sorry to hear about this. can actually relate to hubby's actions (I treat my dh abysmally frequently) and would put it down to depression which I've seen suggested in the thread.

hi toothache

just read your post so so sorry about your troubles with your DH I would feel so angry with him sometimes I think men are such self centred pigs! I hope counselling helps you both.

Sorry to hear your going back to the portacabin will you have access to mumsnet there? at least it will keep you sane.

(btw our flat is under offer and we are coming up househunting next weekend is our meet up still on?)

what would happen toothache if you turned the tables a bit and asked him to go? If you let anyone treat you with a lack of respect it's only going to continue, if you perhaps take a bit of control back might that help a bit? Take a hard line and nip this in the bud once and for all, respect or piss off mate...

After posting last night I went downstairs and spoke to him about things. His attitude is that we're not arguing at the moment so why bring up the subject. I managed to get him to see that talking about our problems when we are NOT arguing is way more productive. He just went on and on about it being stress and that he needs to take a good look at his life and see what's important and that he's looking forward to (kind of) the counselling as a way to mediate between us and for him to try to communicate better with me.

I just want him to see that arguing is alright.... normal in fact! But if every argument results in him getting so angry, calling me names and telling me he's leaving then that isn't normal or healthy..... or fair to me and the kids.

He said he is so embarassed about the way he has behaved that he finds it hard to approach the subject.
I have told him to leave on a number of occasions when he's been nasty to me, and he has, but he just sees that as a ticket to go get pi$$d and crawl home the next day apologising (he's done that twice). He drives, I don't, so he has to take the kids to the Nursery. Also, his family live 300 miles away in Liverpool, he really has nowhere to go if I chuck him out. He would end up having to pay for a hotel out of our limited money.

Roll on counselling!

Sweetkitty - drop me an email and we can arrange it! I don't know what meet-ups are coming up as I've not had much of a chance to look yet. Hopefully get a chance today once DH gets home from work. Off to feed the kids now.

Well done, Toothache. Sounds like your patience and persistence is paying dividends. Hopefully he will feel better now he had admitted that much.

Toothache, I don't know what to say but I've read the whole thread and wanted to add my support too. I'm glad to see you back on MN - just wish you weren't having such a horrible time. It sounds to me like your dh has real problems with self-esteem, anger issues (and I know you had a lot of trouble with his attitude to money in the past) - and he is going to have to recognise his problems and want to change. I hope counselling will help him with that. But you don't deserve to be treated with such contempt - I am so, so sorry. I hope you find a way through this, I really do.

Toothache - sorry you are having a time of it.
How well have you managed to work out the issues that have troubled you before with dh? I know you have posted in the past on some problems - did you find a good way forward in the end?

If you did then that makes it seem perhaps more likely that you can sort this. If you didn't really get things sorted on the other stuff then I am concerned as to how staying with this relationship will affect how you feel about yourself as it sounds as though dp is treating you quite poorly.

I don't think staying together for the kids is much of an idea if there is not at least mutual respect between the parents.

You seem like such a great person that I can't believe there is no one else out there for you

Posyhairdresser ( fab name!!) - I 'thought' our previous issues were resolved, but recently things keep getting thrown into arguments from our past. DH does it and now I find myself doing it. I think I am very bitter about how badly he coped with me during my PND (is that selfish of me?). He behaved as though it was something I was deliberately doing to hurt him and ds. We talk about things, he says he totally understands yet when we argue he reverts back to this terrible attitude.
So I think you have raised a good point, I don't think any of the previous issues were ever really resolved. Just smoothed over temporarily!

It's my birthday today and he's been very sweet to me for the past couple of days. If the good times lasted for months, then we had a bad week or 2, I could live with that. But these good times don't seem to last very long. Perhaps I'm not helping as I just expect things to go wrong again.

Toothache it's nice to hear that there are good times for you and dp - not all relationships have those! This is something to build on and I think some good counselling could really make a difference. Don't be frightened to change counsellors until you find the right one for you as I don't think it's a one size fits all thing.

Now that you have a positive plan of action hopefully you can relax a bit as things must be on the up!

Even if the outcome of counselling ends up being that you would be happier apart, I think counselling would help that to feel like a positive step rather than a negative and scary one. Oh, yeah - and Happy Birthday!

Not got much really to add toothache I hope the counselling goes well. I think men are so rubbish at explaining how they feel they bottle it all up and then it comes as one big fall out. I think women tend to tackle things as they come up (and get accused of nagging).

Just wanted to lend my support and wish you a very Happy Birthday!