DH told me he's only here for the kids and to pay off our joint debts...

[Toothache]

... to name but a few of the things he said.

I've been feeling very neglected by DH recently. He's been quite distant and hasn't shown me affection since our 1st wedding anniversary in October. Even then he got angry with me for feeling nervous about having sex (it was the 1st time since having dd 12wks before). I had a mirena coil fitted 2 wks ago and he showed no concern for how much pain I was in afterwards or sore it was at the time. When I mentioned that he got angry saying that how was he to know I was in pain! There's the problem, it didn't even cross his mind to ask how I was.
I finally brought the subject up on Wednesday. His reaction kind of shocked me. He got angry with me saying that I was wanting too much from him. He said that he'd apologised about the way he was on our anniversary and why was I still going on about it. I told him that it was much more than just that night, but it was indicative of how little he seems to care for my feelings. It went on and on..... I was crying so hard by this point and he just got angrier and angrier. He was screaming at me that he couldn't handle talking about this and that I needed to give him space. After being out for a cigarette he came in and apologised and said he realised he wasn't showing me the attention I deserved and he'd try hard not to take me for granted (he blamed his reaction on stress at work)..... I just left it at that.

Next morning he didn't utter a word to me other than to offer me a coffee. I sat there in silence with him until I was ready to BURST! I asked him why he was still being so cold toward me. It was like he punishing me for the night before. It all blew up again and he said that he just couldn't bring himself to think of my feelings and to stop me hurting. He said he's just too selfish a person. Then he said he wanted to love me for the sake of the kids but he couldn't. I was hysterical. . I think I cried all day yesterday. Ds was at my Mums and luckily dd is too young to really know whats happening. He was going to walk out there and then and leave me in this hysterical state with the baby.

I am ashamed and embarassed to admit that I begged him to stay. He kept saying no. That he wanted to go to his friends house and just get drunk (to sort his head out apparently).

He ended up staying, but only if I promised not to talk about all that had happened. I can't believe how cruel he is being towards me. I sat last night miserable, scared to mention how upset I was, scared to cry in case he just left. Is it just me or is that really unfair??

He said that he does love me and wants to make it work and that he is trully sorry for how he has been (and still is) acting, but that he couldn't deal with it last night..... so I wasn't to talk about it. We are going out for a meal on Saturday to talk about it. How can I forgive him for being so cold and hurtful? And for saying all those things? I can't believe him when he says he loves me. Will I ever get through this? Should I try to sort it out or should I walk away??

I am so hurt and confused by all this. I don't know what I've done. He says the problem is he never gets anytime to be on his own away from me and the kids..... NEITHER DO I! My own reaction shocked me. I couldn't believe I was being so weak and pathetic, begging him not to leave me. I hate myself for not just saying fine then, bugger off... you don't give a sh*t about me anyway!

My head is spinning with it all. Please help me.

Aloha - We really do need some help. I'll get on the waiting list for Relate (or the scottish equivalent). In fact, I'll do that today.

Good luck to you. I really hope it helps.

oh toothache how grim, it does sound like counselling might help as long as he's willing to go into it 100%. SOunds like his anger is masking something (and I don't think it's necessarily you IFYKWIM) guess counselling would help sort that out.
It is good to see you back by the way
nasa (was katierocket)

Hiya Katierocket! I'm totally lost with all the name changes.

Part of me wants to say F*ck off. I feel like I now have a build up of resentment for the way he has treated me recently. Is it something that I can get over??? I need to forgive him, but he needs to realise he has treated me so badly that I need time to forgive him. He has a habit of flying off the handle if I don't immediatley accept an apology. Either I accept or I'm trying to carry on an argument.... nothing in between.

I know I'm not blameless. For a long time I was the main breadwinner and he wasn't happy with that situation. I thought promotions at his work and a tasty payrise would give him more selfconfidence and make him happier, but instead he's started to act like I'm the little woman and he can treat me whichever way he sees fit..... god help me if I question him.

I'll let you all know how we get on on Saturday.

Toothache, what a horrible time for you. I hope you manage to work things out with DH. I wouldn't give yourself a hard time about feeling weak. Nothing is ever B&W and we all end up at some point begging for one reason or another.xx

well good luck toothache and keep posting

Oh toothache, I'm sorry to hear this. I think you're probably so much more vulnerable (everyone is, not just you) after having a baby so don't blame yourself for begging him to stay. It sounds like he was very unkind, gotta go, will come back to this, dp needs the PC.

Toothache, no advice I'm afraid but I wanted to send you some love and hugs. Have missed you.

hugs

(poster formerly known as GeorginaA)

Toothache - just wanted to say hello and welcome back. Sorry to hear about the dh problems - men can be soooo self-centred, even the best ones.

Gotta dash (school run) hope to catch you later

Take care

Toothache, do you think he could be clinically depressed? Is he on ADs at the moment? Reading your descriptions of how horrible and bad-tempered he has been lately just rang a bell with me, I have seen similar behaviour and depression turned out to be a major factor. Anti-depressants helped my friend enormously.
I was just wondering how you were and am so sorry to hear about all this. You don't deserve it.
I remember you posting previously about how you manage the family finances single-handedly after some problems on this front. I hope this is not the case, but I wondered if he is feeling guilty about having got into more hot water financially?
Very best of luck for Saturday. Sounds like there is only actually one grown-up in residence at your house currently.

I'm back, I hope you don't mind my saying this but I think it'll take more than a meal out together to sort this out, have you considered counselling? Would he go? Sorry if I'm repeating, haven't read other posts.I remember some of the stuff that's happened between you from the past and the finances thing isn't a new problem iirc but I'm sorry that such a horrible time brings you back to mumsnet. Welcome back anyway.

Thanks everyone.

Marina - He's not on AD's at the moment. When the pressure is on and I'm crying, he's shouting at me etc etc he usually ends up saying that he hates himself and that he hates the fact that he can't stop hurting me. I just think that is a way for him to turn everything around to make me feel sorry for him. It's as though he looks at it as a 'get-out' clause. We then end up talking about how hurt HE is!!!

Perhaps he is depressed, but whether he'd take any action is another matter.

WWW - Thanks and I do agree that we need help. Its very difficult for me to get that image of the way he has been out of my head. I keep hearing his horrible hurtful words, which, incidentally he repeated again very calmly about an hour after all the screaming. He sounded so sincere when he said he really doesn't love me.

During his 'apology' he said he thinks he just said that to make me hate him so I would throw him out and then he'd have some space! How strange is that?

Anyway, thanks for reading my HUGE post and not dismissing me as an emotional cripple. Got to go see dd now, she's got the cold, poor lamb.

If he's depressed, you may need to encourage him to see the GP. Men are crap about getting help for themselves even when they clearly need it. More work for you, possibly.
You are NOT an emotional cripple, Toothache. Hope dd feels better soon, I'm sure lack of sleep is not helping any of you. Take care and keep posting here as I think all of us will be thinking of you this weekend.
How do you feel about being back at work btw? Hope you aren't going back to Mr Bovril-Breath and the portakabin...

Thanks Marina, I tried to talk to DH about this last night. I asked him if he perhaps was a bit depressed. He said he isn't depressed, just crap at dealing with things (hmmm). He was very loving to me last night...... another whim??? He'll be like that for a week then it'll be back to 'normal'. I phoned the Counselling Scotland in my area and left my name and number as directed. However, I did this a few months ago and noone ever got back in touch! I never get a person when I phone, just an answering machine. What's the point. I phoned a private counsellor, but she charged £30 per session and we just can't afford that.

He keeps saying "We'll be fine". But how can we be??

Yes I will be in the portakabin with Bovril breath for 2 days a week! I think I can handle him just 2 days a week..... and without the pregnancy hormones.

Toothache - I'm so sorry you are going through this. I often think that when people are being that horrible, it is often to cover up their own inadequacies. You said you have been great with dd - perhaps he doesn't feel like that but can't admit it, even to himself. If he is being that cold to you when you are arguing, it suggests to me that he is not in touch with his own feelings, let alone yours.
Amateur psychology aside, I really hope you can find a way through this.
xx

PS Double gutted you have to endure Mr Bovril breath again. Your original posts about that really helped me through many a long day at work. I hope he isn't being too vile.

toothache, sorry you are having difficulties

I just want to echo dejags earlier posting, it is an extremely big change for everyone when number 3 comes along. My DH seemed very caring on one hand and then utterly icy and cruel on the other and, like your dh said he couldn't handle me just after ds2 was born. However it did work itself out and we all regained equilibrium.

I don't wish in anyway to make a judgement about you, but IME looking back I was a loon for a few weeks after I had ds2 (traumatic c section) and anyone on earth would have found me difficult to live with. I think DH/Ps can only empathise and understand so far and the fact that your DH is talking, albeit clumsily, about his feelings of inadequacy and the difficulties he is having at the moment is a good sign that the two of you can work this out

HTH

meant number 2 not number 3

oh and one more thing, a good friend of mine who is a clinical psychologist just couldn't get over the way her dh had behaved (offhand and judgemental) to her minutes after she had dd2. She had some therapy sessions to exorcise her feelings of anger and effrontery because she realised that her dh hadn't known he had done anything that bad and there was no point having it out with him.

I know that these things are expensive but this shows that men and women's heads are in polar opposite locations after the birth of a child.

Very true Suzywong! Thanks for all the advice. Hopefully we'll get some stuff aired this evening..... then, with counselling we can lose some of the resentment we have for each other.

Toothache, I'm a regular poster, but like to keep some things very private, hence the name change.

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this, it sounds very stressful and emotionally draining.

As others have said, I definitely think Relate is the way forward - me and dh are going at the moment. They took a while to come back to us, in fact, our paperwork got lost, so keep bugging them every week to remind them not to lose you in the system.

I just wanted to tell you what our experience of Relate is, because I thought it might be helpful.

You contract for 6 sessions at a time. During our first 3 sessions, we talked through all the problems and were terribly civilised about it. It seemed like 6 sessions were going to be perfectly adequate. However, as we got into sessions 4 and 5, we were digging deeper into what was really going on in the relationship. It was around this time that I started really shouting, swearing and crying - finally my real feelings were coming out. It's important to be completely honest about how you feel and tell it as it is - all warts and skeletons! Only by getting all the cards out on the table can you start to sort them out effectively.

Anyway, we are now on session 8 and are likely to want to carry on beyond 12 sessions.

It is REALLY, REALLY helping. I can't recommend it highly enough. Its bloody hard work and very draining but dh and I still love each other and despite having said some dreadful things and behaved v badly towards each other as things deteriorated, we know what we have is worth saving.

I wish you lots of luck and am sending you a (((cuberhug))).

cyberhug even!

Dear Toothache

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time- have some hugs from one who is having one too. Please do not feel down on yourself for begging, worry about losing your self respect. When my dh anounced he'd had an affair and was leaving two weeks ago, I did the same thing. It sounds as if the PND and his reactions since are crushing you emotionally. But there is nothing wrong with wanting what you want from him, and you have right to expect some affection and support

Give Relate a go. I am not sure where you live but in London, it is more open ended in terms of how long you can go for, and how much you pay depends on the family income- it can be as low as £15-20 a session Even if he will not come you can go alone to start with and get support.

I hope things improve soon and that you feel a bit happier. Your dds sound gorgeous- maybe focus a bit on the happiness they give you as well as all the work. And give yourslef a break. No matter how good younger dd is, you've just gone back to wok and must be shattered.

lots of love

potqueen

Toothache, I couldn't read your post without living abit of support for you. Sorry you're having such a hard time, like WWW I remember you're troubles from before and I really hope you feel happy soon.

I hope last night went well.

Toothache, we've missed you on july/august thread. So sorry it is so crap right now. Big hugs to you, hope yesterday sorted some stuff for you.xx