DH and I are both mid 30s, with 1 DC (1) and planning to try for another one soon.
We are in very similar professional jobs, both work FT (very long hours) and objectively earn decently well (we are both paid about the same). However, as we live in the SE / London for our jobs, our childcare and other costs are large. We used to save a good amount but that has significantly decreased since having a child, so we save a bit but not that much now.
DH has recently been saying he doesn’t want to do his job anymore; he feels stuck in it, doesn’t want to keep doing it, and wants to pursue a different career altogether. It’s one that he thought about doing way back when he left uni (long before I met him) but didn’t have the confidence to try and so just went this professional route instead. He’s occasionally mentioned this alternative career in the time I’ve known him, but always as in a very vague “that would’ve be interesting” way / never any suggestion he would change now. Suddenly in the past few months, he’s decided it’s now or never and he is going to change career.
He is clear he wants to do it. It is clear to me that if I were “unsupportive” (but also if he were unsuccessful at it tbh) it would have a very detrimental impact on our relationship. He very much has his identity tied to his work.
The career change (I’m being vague so not outing) would be one that sounds quite “prestigious” / “cool” to outsiders, but objectively, would mean a huge pay cut. It would be a 60-70% pay cut for him in the first year, maybe 50% in the second, unclear after that. The new career is self employed, so additional loss of benefits, employer pension, bonuses, etc. This also makes it difficult to project earnings.
He is insisting that he’ll make up the shortfall in the early years with his savings. He is also insisting in the long run, he should earn better because he is passionate about this career path and because, being self employed, ultimately he can earn “better”.
It is also clear that, if he were to take the new career path with the pay cut, he would not be able to pick up any childcare, house stuff, etc, as he would need to work extremely hard to establish himself and try to make the better earnings he’s projecting.
I calculated how much our current outgoings are against our new projected household income. We would be losing money every month, for at least the next two years, if he switched. The obvious thing to cut back would be childcare - but we can’t do this as his new career wouldn’t enable that basically, plus we’re at the stage of wanting a second kid (and realistically have a limited window). We also had been talking about moving to a bigger house (we are in a very small place that would not fit more than 3).
I have thought about whether I can get an even higher paid job, but realistically the only options I can see would require working absolutely ridiculous hours and having a partner who does a much bigger home load. (Trying to be vague again but this is very much the case.) My job is already hugely stressful and now I feel I will have no flexibility at all because I’ll be the guaranteed breadwinner.
So realistically we’ll need to fund this out of savings. Which means - no bigger house, tbc on a second child, unclear what we do for first child’s childcare or school (part of the reason to move was to get in a good school area) etc.
DH is basically refusing to do any actual projections or calculations and just saying we’ll cope and it’ll be fine. This is becoming a huge wedge between us, as every time I say that I need him to explain against all our costs how this works, because it’s causing me to feel huge financial pressure, he gets angry that I’m not supporting him. He brought it up again this morning and it led to a huge fight and he stormed out.
I basically know I need to get on board but I am so upset - I’ve been killing myself in my job, I did a short mat leave so I wouldn’t lose my income or make us just rely on him, work full time etc etc to provide the best possible life on my side for us and our child. I don’t love my job but I do it for the family. And now he just wants to toss that all up in the air. I want to be supportive as I understand how hard our jobs are, and I don’t want him to be miserable for the next 30 years, but I am just so upset that he doesn’t seem to understand or care about the impact and uncertainty he’ll put on us. What’s also stressful is he’ll go days without mentioning this and indicating he’s actually fine with his current job, then suddenly he’ll swap and we’re back to this again.
I didn’t post this in aibu as I know I have to get on board, but I really want some guidance on how to navigate this so I can support him in changing jobs while not cracking myself under the stress / resentment of his attitude / feeling totally trapped, or finding ourselves messed up financially. Would love advice from anyone who’s been in a similar situation :(