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Original poster

How do I cope with lies

40 replies

QueenieJelly · 09/10/2025 17:49

My other half is a liar. Some are little white stupid lies, some are well fabricated whoppers.
When we first met he told me he provided music for a well known rock band, I laughed it off and thought he was just trying to impress me. For four years he told me it was true rhen a couple of months he admitted it was because he didn’t feel good enough. There were silly little lies that he’d written poems for me but I found a book he copied them. There were silly little lies where he had tried to make himself seem a better person because he didn’t feel like he was enough.
However the whoppers have been huge. He was going to have driving lessons but just before he found out he had been banned from driving and had several points on his bike license. He told me it was because he had sold a motorbike and hadn’t sent off to change the name. Whoever had bought the bike had racked up speeding charges and points and he was in touch with the courts trying to sort it out. We talked about it several times with me asking if he had heard from them yet etc.
Ge told me he had no debts, we did a joint financial application and then we started receiving letters chasing several debts.
This resulted in a conversation about lying and I asked him what else he’s lied about and when I pushed for the truth he told me about the license.
I found numbers on my phone bill but he said it was work related and he still maintains that’s the truth.
I don’t know if I want to carry on our relationship. We live with my children and he’s great with them. He’s lovely to me. But the lies, it just ruins the trust. Well there isn’t any trust but how can there ever be from now?

OP posts:
IdaGlossop · 09/10/2025 17:53

Sorry OP, there is only one way to deal with the lies: end the relationship. It's bad for your children as well as you. Your final comments suggest that ending it is already in your mind.

Kleptronic · 09/10/2025 17:54

Yeah you don't, have done with it.

WatchingTheDetective · 09/10/2025 17:58

What on earth did you learn about relationships as a child that makes you think this is in any way a good relationship? This man couldn't tell the truth if he tried. He clearly feels inadequate and rightly so if those driving offences were his!

What's the deal about the phone calls?

Pigeonsandgiraffees · 09/10/2025 17:59

It's a him issue.

If he wanted to sort himself out and stop being a liar, he would.

You can either leave and accept this is who he is, or you can leave (I recommend the latter).

One short life. It's all we have, OP.

Original poster
QueenieJelly · 09/10/2025 18:12

WatchingTheDetective · 09/10/2025 17:58

What on earth did you learn about relationships as a child that makes you think this is in any way a good relationship? This man couldn't tell the truth if he tried. He clearly feels inadequate and rightly so if those driving offences were his!

What's the deal about the phone calls?

We have phone contracts in my name, there were some extra charges and I checked them out to see if they were correct. There were texts to different phone numbers so I dug deeper and some were being sent to a lot. He works for the mental health dept in the nhs, he insists that he and some colleagues were arranging and cancelling appointments from their own private phones as many patients don’t answer calls. The next day he came home and said that they had been told to stop doing it. I know this is a massive breach of date protection bur he just won’t admit to me that it’s other women. He never gets time to meet anyone As he’s either at home with me or at work he doesn’t really have time to meet anyone but there’s nothing to stop his messaging people. When I read this back I know what it is but he just won’t admit it.

OP posts:
ButSheSaid · 09/10/2025 18:17

I mean.. he doesn't sound good enough, so he's right about that.

You could date him if he's enjoyable company and enhances your life, but best not to have him round your kids or sign anything financial with him.

Sicario · 09/10/2025 18:20

Sorry to break it to you - but you can't build a healthy relationship with a liar. They destroy lives and ruin your own sense of balance.

Do yourself a huge favour and throw this one back. Don't even waste your time trying to second-guess why they lie. They never change. If anything they get worse with age.

Dump. Block. Forget. Move on.

Sassylovesbooks · 09/10/2025 18:26

I suspect the lies roll off your partner's tongue, and he doesn't think about the fact he is lying. He clearly feels he's not 'good enough', and has a low self-esteem, to the point he lies to make himself feel better. He needs therapy. You can't trust him on major issues, and because of this I'd be ending the relationship. You have no way of knowing if he's telling the truth or lying, over anything.

ButSheSaid · 09/10/2025 18:27

Er..he stole the data of incredibly vulnerable people to store on his phone? Did you report him?

Zempy · 09/10/2025 18:42

Dump him. Life is too short to waste on someone like that.

Sandy483 · 09/10/2025 18:46

My ex was like this, more comfortable lying than telling the truth. Turned out in the end he ticked every box for covert narcissism. You need to run as fast as you can OP, you can't trust a thing he says and you really don't want someone you can't trust around your children.

ButSheSaid · 09/10/2025 18:52

You don't need him to admit anything, you know he cannot be trusted. He has shown you time and time again. Believe him.
Just tell him you're no longer attracted to him and enjoy life rid of him.

Mumptynumpty · 09/10/2025 19:19

Women work in the NHS. Lots of women. Indeed mostly women.

He doesn't need to go out to meet women as they work in the same place.

Just sayin'

TheresGoingToBeAMoidur · 09/10/2025 19:31

God, your post could have been written about my ex. He lied constantly. Some of it was daft stuff to make himself sound impressive, but some of it shattered my trust completely. He told me he’d been in the Paras and done all sorts of heroic things. None of it was true. He swore blind he had no debts and then the bailiffs started turning up at the house.

He was lovely to me and brilliant with my kids, which made it even harder, because you keep thinking, how can someone so kind also be lying straight to my face? But being nice and being trustworthy are two completely different things.

The lying never stopped. Once you know someone is capable of that level of deceit, you start living on edge, constantly second guessing, wondering what else you don’t know. It eats away at you slowly. You don't need any further evidence of anything to justify ending the relationship. You've had plenty already.

When things started to fall apart he turned nasty. Cruel, manipulative, aggressive. All that charm disappeared the moment he realised he couldn’t keep control of the story. Leaving was messy, but it was the best thing I ever did.

Please don’t wait for it to reach that point. You deserve to feel safe and to believe what you’re told. Cut your losses and go.

MagicLoop · 09/10/2025 19:37

You don't need him to admit anything. You don't need proof. You don't need justification. He is a proven liar and you (understandably!) don't trust him. On what planet is that not enough reason to end a relationship?!

Starlia · 09/10/2025 19:53

You don’t cope with a liar. You get rid of him before he sends you crazy.

Honestly, if you don’t have trust, you don’t have a relationship. You can’t trust what he says or does.

Bittenonce · 09/10/2025 20:02

I keep thinking of an ex colleague like this…. Get out, he won’t change. But it will grind you down further and further

Damnd · 09/10/2025 20:33

Yh it's a fundamental flaw. He won't change. You will forever be questioning everything.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2025 20:40

If there is no trust there is no relationship. Cut your losses now and get him both out of your life and home. He should not also be around your children primarily because he’s a poor role model to them.

Why does he have a phone contract in your name?. This is a lapse of judgment on your part. Presumably he’s lied to you in order to get that from you.

He’s taking you for a right mug if he thinks you at all believe him about the bike and phone calls. He will never be honest and a relationship cannot be built on lies.

outerspacepotato · 09/10/2025 20:41

You can never trust a liar.

He lied about career things like providing? music for a well known band. The speeding tickets. The license ban..

The one that's going to bite you in the ass if you continue with this lying asshole is the debt. He's racking up debt and lying about it. You'd better check your credit and lock it down.

He wasn't using his personal phone for NHS business.

Break up. There is nothing but pain down this road.

Nosdacariad · 10/10/2025 20:15

Sandy483 · 09/10/2025 18:46

My ex was like this, more comfortable lying than telling the truth. Turned out in the end he ticked every box for covert narcissism. You need to run as fast as you can OP, you can't trust a thing he says and you really don't want someone you can't trust around your children.

Same.

The lies continued from small low stakes things to great big things.

pinkyredrose · 10/10/2025 20:27

Why did he move in with you, was it his idea?

pinkyredrose · 10/10/2025 20:31

Why do you have a phone contract in your name for him, is he incapable of getting his own?

TooBigForMyBoots · 10/10/2025 20:36

TheresGoingToBeAMoidur · 09/10/2025 19:31

God, your post could have been written about my ex. He lied constantly. Some of it was daft stuff to make himself sound impressive, but some of it shattered my trust completely. He told me he’d been in the Paras and done all sorts of heroic things. None of it was true. He swore blind he had no debts and then the bailiffs started turning up at the house.

He was lovely to me and brilliant with my kids, which made it even harder, because you keep thinking, how can someone so kind also be lying straight to my face? But being nice and being trustworthy are two completely different things.

The lying never stopped. Once you know someone is capable of that level of deceit, you start living on edge, constantly second guessing, wondering what else you don’t know. It eats away at you slowly. You don't need any further evidence of anything to justify ending the relationship. You've had plenty already.

When things started to fall apart he turned nasty. Cruel, manipulative, aggressive. All that charm disappeared the moment he realised he couldn’t keep control of the story. Leaving was messy, but it was the best thing I ever did.

Please don’t wait for it to reach that point. You deserve to feel safe and to believe what you’re told. Cut your losses and go.

This 💯 @QueenieJelly.

And be prepared for all the lies he's going to tell about you after the split.😒

gallonsoftea · 10/10/2025 20:44

Pigeonsandgiraffees · 09/10/2025 17:59

It's a him issue.

If he wanted to sort himself out and stop being a liar, he would.

You can either leave and accept this is who he is, or you can leave (I recommend the latter).

One short life. It's all we have, OP.

You will end up losing your sanity. Day by day. Month by month. Year by year. He is an adult man who thinks its acceptable to lie. That is never going to change now.