How do I cope with lies

[QueenieJelly]

My other half is a liar. Some are little white stupid lies, some are well fabricated whoppers.
When we first met he told me he provided music for a well known rock band, I laughed it off and thought he was just trying to impress me. For four years he told me it was true rhen a couple of months he admitted it was because he didn’t feel good enough. There were silly little lies that he’d written poems for me but I found a book he copied them. There were silly little lies where he had tried to make himself seem a better person because he didn’t feel like he was enough.
However the whoppers have been huge. He was going to have driving lessons but just before he found out he had been banned from driving and had several points on his bike license. He told me it was because he had sold a motorbike and hadn’t sent off to change the name. Whoever had bought the bike had racked up speeding charges and points and he was in touch with the courts trying to sort it out. We talked about it several times with me asking if he had heard from them yet etc.
Ge told me he had no debts, we did a joint financial application and then we started receiving letters chasing several debts.
This resulted in a conversation about lying and I asked him what else he’s lied about and when I pushed for the truth he told me about the license.
I found numbers on my phone bill but he said it was work related and he still maintains that’s the truth.
I don’t know if I want to carry on our relationship. We live with my children and he’s great with them. He’s lovely to me. But the lies, it just ruins the trust. Well there isn’t any trust but how can there ever be from now?

Why do you think you need to cope with lies @QueenieJelly ? Throw the lying twat out and your problems are over. Oh, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM.

I don’t cope with lies. I find liars so utterly weak and pathetic that they repulse me. Trust is everything in a relationship…what’s left if you don’t have that? By the way, he’s not lovely to you, he shows you often that he thinks you’re stupid! I’m sure you’ll feel so much better out of this situation.

Ge told me he had no debts, we did a joint financial application and then we started receiving letters chasing several debts

Run OP! You're well beyond the red flag stage. He's an absolute liability. DON'T get involved with him financially in any way again. He has serious problems and I'm afraid they're probably a deeply ingrained part of his personality right now.

You don't ''cope'' with it, you just dump him.

This is classic 'man who built his house upon the sand' from the Bible. Thousands of years old but still utterly relevant and a truth that will never alter.

Someone told me once that lying is all about selfishness. He ups his salary - because HE wants to look big. He lies about his whereabouts because HE doesn't want to be in a row with you. He conceals debt because HE doesn't want to diminish his worth in other people's eyes. Etc, etc, etc.

Can you see the link? Liars are, at heart, concerned with ONLY their wants. Good luck.

I’ll remember this.

My ex is a Walter Mitty. Even stuff he didn't need to lie about he lied about. He still lies now. It caused a lot of problems in our relationship.

They don't change. They leave messes and you can't rely on them ever. You would better off binning him off or at least don't breed with him.

Get rid. You're probably currently aware of about half the times he has lied to you. People like him really piss me off - so he doesn't feel good enough? well, none of us feel confident all the time but we're not all dicks about it. You're never stop him doing it and I agree about don't bother looking for proof, just get rid.

I can deal with a lot of things but lying I just can’t. It is the worst because it’s totally destabilising. I could not have a relationship with a liar.

I just wanted to wish you all the best, whatever you decide x x

Leave. It won’t get better.

We had a customer in the pub that we all called “Billy Bullshit” because everything that came out of his mouth was a lie. One day, he mentioned his sister worked for the same company I did. He told me all sorts of stories about her and his relationship with her, proper making out the hero he was type of thing. One day, I decided to look her up on our internal address book. Turned out she worked in the same office as me! So I messaged her and got chatting. She came over to find me and said she wanted to tell me the true stories. There were tiny elements of truth to what he told, but almost all of it was bollocks. Next time I saw him I mentioned that I’d seen her. His face went white. I told him what she’d told me & he looked uncomfortable. Later overheard him telling people that I was a liar, that his sister didn’t even work there….

This was a guy who had no reason to lie to strangers - but did anyway. Liars won’t change, they just get worse.

He'd rather climb a tree and tell a lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.

I would move him out, and sever all financial ties. So when the phone contract is up, he'll have to go on payg.

This is the only way to protect yourself and your children from his financial foolishness.

It's laughably easy to take out credit in someone else's name, so I'd also do a credit check on yourself to make sure there are no nasty surprises waiting.

You’ve literally just described my ex husband. He ended up having an affair and ruined mine and the kids lives. He also only lied about “little things” originally. Stuff that didn’t matter. Due to his low self-esteem, apparently. Whatever the reason it doesn’t make it any easier when there’s suddenly a huge big massive lie. He was also an absolutely “lovely wonderful kind person”.

I’m sorry.

This kind of person can bring you down. I’d be worried he’d do something like open an account in my name without me knowing or some such whilst internally justifying it in his head that the intentions were good or some similar madness.

I just can’t stomach liars.

Thanks for all input! I told him to leave and he did. He is messaging saying that he knows I still love him and we can sort it out but I am done. I think I knew that anyway but sometimes you just need another person to tell you so!

,Well done @QueenieJelly.